When are you ready??

[Tahoe 6]

HI All,

 

H and I have been talking about having a threesome or soft swap for about 10 years. We do fantasize  that  both are having sex with other people while in the bedroom.  We have been to swinger resorts just to get our feet wet but nothing happen. My questions are 1. When do you know that you are ready? 2. Has anyone ever went from SS to FS in  the moment if so how did you handle it? 3. How do you meet SSer's?

[Numex 2,416]

First, WELCOME! 

I am not the expert here, but my assessment is that if you both fantasize about swapping, have been talking about it, and have already visited a swinger venue and still feel positive, then you are ready.

 

Does that guarantee everything will work out perfectly, or even well, the first time?  No, but with the right attitude and good communication, you can move forward and adjust as needed as you go on your adventure. 

 

Can't help you with the second question.  We started much the same as you, talking/fantasizing about our exes.  Our path was for her to go first, alone full swap with an ex after the three of us had a previous dinner meeting to discuss it.  But I would think the best way to deal with the question is to discuss it beforehand as to whether it is a possibility, then have a code word if it is a mutual go-ahead. 

 

Meet SSers the way you would FSers, just make your limitations clear up-front. 

 

Good luck and keep us posted. 

[lcmim 1,082]

I do not think you ever know until you KNOW.

When we decided to proceed it was white knuckle right up to the moment.

 

We did not KNOW until after the action when we reached over my partner's head, grabbed each others hand, looked up, and saw the other with a great big smile.

 

 I guess we were ready.

 

My suggestion would be to have a firm decision to proceed, mutually arrived at,  and an intellectual commitment that this is a trail run, "no harm no foul".

 

It would be good to discuss as many what ifs as you can, and agree that it is good for both or it is good for neither.

 

I , being me, made a pretty exhaustive list ( a few pages) of possibilities and how we felt about each. these weren't exactly rules, but it did help with being certain that we would not be blind sided. I have shared that list several times.

 

[lovefest04 699]

Hi Tahoe,

 

Numex is correct, IMHO, a right attitude and good communication is all that's needed.

 

We saw swinging as an adventure. No different from skydiving, hanging at a nude beach the first time, backpacking the wild, having children, getting married, buying our first home. Most of life has risks and rewards, Some things can be better planned than others and some you just have to get over any fears. Swinging has a lot of energy in our society, sex has a lot of energy. We chose to not let societies pressure, judgement and 'norms' play a part in our lives.

 

We have always been a team. No matter what comes at us we are a team first and foremost. If something goes awry, we move forward together. Always together. So we were ready. We've had good, bad and humorous encounters. We've experienced jealously, embarrassment and over the top mind blowing sex.  At the end of the day, it's all just an adventure.

 

We placed few rules on our activities. Opting for a 'let's see what happens and go for it attitude'. Since we are always a team, we didn't feel a need to define what we did or didn't allow. That worked for us because we have a foundation to stand upon. Many in the lifestyle start by dipping their toes in and moving from there. Everyone is different. I suspect that if you have discussed and defined for yourselves the difference between SS and FS then it is important to you in some way and you should both stick to the plan once you're in the middle of a bunch of horny naked adults. Breaking rules on the fly usually causes some hurt feelings.

 

 

[Numex 2,416]

9 minutes ago, lovefest04 said:

We placed few rules on our activities. Opting for a 'let's see what happens and go for it attitude'.

I think that's important.  With lots of rules there are too many chances for rules being broken and disputes.  If something doesn't feel right, discuss it afterwards in a calm manner.  I can honestly say that whenever my wife did anything that surprised me in any way, it was something that turned me on, not put me off.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

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I do not think you ever know until you KNOW.

The above comment is right on. It's the couples who think 'lets do this' and run right out to try it that are the ones that should be worried. If you both have been thinking and talking about this for 10 years, it sounds like you are probably ready. If you didn't have some concerns (i.e. you are worried that your relationship is more important than wanting to fulfill your fantasies) then you probably wouldn't be ready. It sounds like you have the three things needed: love, trust and communication. If the two of you think you're ready, then think about taking the next step...(kind of like jumping into a freezing pool, it's hard to turn back once you jump).

 

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Has anyone ever went from SS to FS in  the moment if so how did you handle it?

Simple: DON'T do it. Before the jump, you should agree on boundaries and limits. Whatever you decide on, stick to them. Do not violate them 'in the heat of passion'...remember the mutual trust. If you have agreed to go forward with SS, then stick to that. Later, when you are no longer in a sexual situation you can discuss and alter your limits. Afterwards some may seem silly in hindsight (we started with a no kissing rule, which is quite common...after our first experience we quickly decided that this was a silly rule and it quickly went away), but we both thought it was important before that only to realize that neither of us minded looking back. It's okay to take small steps moving forward (like jumping into the shallow end of that cold pool by the steps so you can quickly get out if it is too much of a shock). While some have no problems jumping into the deep end, it isn't REQUIRED. When looking for couples, just let them know up front that you are currently only looking for SS (and define what your definition of SS is). If the other couple isn't interested, then move on to the next. This is not a race. 

 

Since I mentioned our original short lived 'no kissing' rule, here's the rules that we still have:

 

   No means HELL NO

   If one of you says no or stop for any reason, you BOTH are saying no or stop (you are a team, play as a team)

   Never move faster than the slowest member is willing to go.

   Never change limits in a sexual situation (the two of you should talk about it later and agree to change them...there's always next time to move forward)

   If it isn't still fun and exciting, maybe start looking for another hobby

   My partner ALWAYS comes first (usually in more ways than one)

 

I'm sure I'm probably missing one or two more, but these seem to be the most important ones that we do not violate.

 

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How do you meet SSer's

Decide what you are looking for...what we call quantity (just sex with others, usually one and done) or quality (FWB), set your limits, then start looking for other couples. Usually the best way is to use the online meeting sites like SLS , ST, SDC. There is a list usually on the top of the threads and most will let you create a free profile and have limited access to the site. You WILL find that different sites are more popular in different areas, so find the one that has the most members in your area and pay to join it. Lots of members will ignore free members since they aren't 'serious' enough to pay out a bit of money to join. Then start looking and sending emails to see if you can find a connection. After that, the two (four) of you are on your own. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[lcmim 1,082]

Since changing rules on the fly was mentioned above I'd like to add a thought.

While NOT changing on the fly will keep you out of hot water, I think there is a far more important reason to NOT  change on the fly.

 

 It sends a powerful message to your SO that it is of real importance that you are in this together, and what the two of you agree on is the name of the game. Actions speak louder than words.

 

Trusting each other before you start is essential of course, but it is always a god thing to reinforce that trust.

Edited February 2, 2021 by lcmim
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[Numex 2,416]

All good points, but I respectfully disagree on going from soft to full swap in the moment.  If you have discussed it previously and agree that it might be a possibility, then you might regret later not going forward when you both had wanted to.  Have a code word or two that if you both exchange it, then it is a go.  If one doesn't agree, then definitely don't.  Better that, than at some point agreeing to go forward this time, then one or both in the moment not wanting to go ahead, but you do anyway because, well, you had agreed.  An "in the moment" assessment is often the best.

[lcmim 1,082]

Numex, I do not see what you say as disagreement.

Clearly if you have set up a code word for this then you have already agreed it is a possibility. It is not what i was thinking of because it is part of the rules. I was thinking that as beginners it is often, "For now Full is off the table".

 

As to agreeing and then not wanting to at the moment, that should always be an acceptable option. Backing off is much easier to correct than plunging forward when in doubt.

 

Essentially we are agreeing on this I think.

 

[Numex 2,416]

4 hours ago, lcmim said:

Essentially we are agreeing on this I think.

Well then, let's just agree to agree.  ?

[Tahoe 6]

Thank you everyone for the advice. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

One small detail would be not just to talk before changing the rules, but to talk alone. Even with someone you trust to be honest with you very much, it's a good idea to make sure neither of you are just being polite or because they think the other one is more enthusiastic than they are.