Difficulties in understanding men's desires

[linzy 1]

Hello,

So I am both new to the forums and have not yet tried swinging but am very interested.

However, due to my upbringing and experiences, I am both extremely jealous and I have skewed views on men and their desires.

 

My current boyfriend and I, have a great relationship so far. We have hours of sex a day and are both very attracted to each other. Now for reasons I do not want to go into, right now with this man is the best time I believe to try swinging. I want to try it for a variety of reasons, one is I love sex, sleeping with other men, and turning him on. The second reason is kind of an exposure therapy you could say; I want to so badly work through my jealousy and be okay with seeing my man with another woman.

 

So my two questions are;

Men are very visual. I am an attractive woman, but there are way more attractive women out there. I fail to understand, If I let him sleep with a hotter woman, how can he happily come back to me? for example he loves large breasts, but I have very small A's, wouldn't I just be f*cking myself over by letting him sleep with a large breasted woman as then mine will seem even more unappealing and inadequate? 

 

Secondly I would like to hear of any tips or advice about going into this as a jealous woman.

 

Thank you

Edited February 6, 2021 by linzy

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

Hi and welcome to the board!

You may be the jealous type, but you deserve credit for being open minded enough to explore this lifestyle!

 

Sex is important in a relationship, but not everything.  We look a it this way: why would either of us leave each other when we have the freedom to enjoy other people through swinging? Swinging is not about choosing one person over another, it's about having both. Why would your boyfriend leave you for a woman with big tits if you let him enjoy those big tits with your blessing? He is not likely to leave a relationship that gives him this freedom.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

8 hours ago, linzy said:

The second reason is kind of an exposure therapy you could say; I want to so badly work through my jealousy and be okay with seeing my man with another woman.

Using other couples for your "therapy" rubs me the wrong way. Your "therapy" could very well end up being a ton of drama for some couple.  Wouldn't it be better to sort that stuff out first and then try out the swinging lifestyle?

[cplnluv1 872]

Has he shown any interest in meeting others? He might take your suggestion as you not enjoying the sex you are having with him. Bringing up swinging can cause problems if brought up the wrong way. 

Big Boobs, every man ogles big breasts, it doesn’t mean he wants you to have a woman with big ones. He already picked you and your A’s , it seems men like boobs in any size. 

[linzy 1]

4 hours ago, Fitlakecouple said:

Using other couples for your "therapy" rubs me the wrong way. Your "therapy" could very well end up being a ton of drama for some couple.  Wouldn't it be better to sort that stuff out first and then try out the swinging lifestyle?

That is something I have thought about for sure, but I am not a drama type person and would not drag them into it. At the very most meetings just be cut short.

[linzy 1]

35 minutes ago, cplnluv1 said:

Has he shown any interest in meeting others? He might take your suggestion as you not enjoying the sex you are having with him. Bringing up swinging can cause problems if brought up the wrong way. 

Big Boobs, every man ogles big breasts, it doesn’t mean he wants you to have a woman with big ones. He already picked you and your A’s , it seems men like boobs in any size. 

It was actually him that brought it up. Its something that interests both of us, but he is a lot more secure than I am.

And yeah, he did pick mine, but sometimes its hard for a man to fimd the whole package. He is the kind of man that prefers a womans mind over her body, so I know he won't leave, but i'd be nervous about him losing physical attraction to me.

[lcmim 1,082]

For me breast size is a combination deal.

On some women the visual is a great thing. There is a limit for me on how big though.

For play I prefer smaller. A's and B's.

 

You have more important irons in the fire though.

 

Work on your body image issues. We all have them and for the most part they just plain do not matter.

 

Boy friend. How serious and long term? Is he expendable if this goes South on you?

We prefer married couples or very long term committed couples. It keeps the drama at bay.

 

Jealousy.... There are many ways to deal with that but they all are internal.

I dealt with that demon myself. In my case I opened the discussion by giving my wife a permanent, unilateral, non limited green light. I just plain forbade my self the option to be jealous. For me that worked just fine.

 In my case it was the worrying about loss. Once I fully internalized that losing her was not going to happen, it was just the cyclic ingrained fear that most of us have picked up at one point or another, that was the problem.

 

That solution would NOT be for every one. It could be very risky if you underestimate your relationship. We had thirty years together work from.

 

 

Edited February 6, 2021 by lcmim
clarity

[Idahocouple6969 294]

@linzy I think you should have what I refer to as kitchen table talk.  You have to reach a point where you can verbalize every single fantasy you ever had to your partner.  ALL of them. 

We aren't the jelous types so that was never a problem. 

Just about everyone here will tell you communication is the #1 thing in the LS.  

Some people think the LS is great some think it should remain a fantasy and some are horrified by just the thought of it.  

 

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

First, jealousy, is something to accept, pat nicely on the head and send on its way. Just because you feel an emotion does not mean you indulge it. That's the choice you get to make.

 

Sex is what he's experiencing with another woman, love is what he's experiencing with you. Now, if he falls in love with a swing partner, you never needed him, because you deserve better than a man who does not know what love is.

 

He's not 'coming back to you. Being in love with you means he's never left.  Again, sex and love are two different things. I've never made love to another man, but I've had some very good sex.

Edited February 6, 2021 by KatrinaandDriverX

[Fitlakecouple 451]

KatrinaandDriverX - Perfect!

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It's easy to say just ignore the jealousy, but this is coming from people who don't have a problem with jealousy (at least now). The enemy of jealousy is trust, communication and time. I KNOW that my partner is coming home with me and isn't looking for a replacement or upgrade. Trust me, I used to be crazy jealous (why would anyone want me anyhow?) but with my partner, this is an experience we are doing together. We openly talk about it and because of that I trust her...and time has shown me that she deserves that trust. If you are feeling jealousy, then you probably aren't ready yet.

[lovefest04 699]

I like different flavors of ice cream. Sometimes I'm in the mood for chocolate, sometime vanilla and sometimes double fudge caramel. But I always come back to peanut butter and chocolate. As long as PB&C keeps treating me well, I'm there for the long haul.

 

I'd be more concerned about your jealously being what actually drives him away. I promise you it's not your A-cups, long legs, red hair or any other physical attributes. Love is all about something deeper. Who has ever read a book and fallen in love with it only to say, I hated that book, the cover was wrong? Men are, well, potentially more shallow than woman (we can discuss the issues around images, how we're raised etc another time), but the good one, like me, aren't that shallow.

 

Familiarize yourself with these posts and folks on this site. I think what you come to understand is that successful swingers are really in love with their partners and vise-a-versa. And many of us have had sex with other that's have physical attributes different from our partners. How could we not. I happen to think red heads are super sexy, but I've forged a lifetime with a blonde. I would not leave my blonde wife for a redhead. Nope not going to happen.

 

You said yourself, "I am an attractive woman", never forget that and don't let others tell you any differently. You're self esteem about that is sexy. I guess in the end, love is all about personality, temperament and sharing. It's whats under the skin. Sex is also about that, but the skin takes on greater meaning in a more shallow relationship.

 

Work on the jealously before you swing, I think that's your Achilles heal.

 

Maybe baby steps is a good path for you both.  MFM are much easier to arrange in the swinging world than couples. That would meet your goal to have sex, show off and turn him on without you having to worry about your A cups. then talk, share, explore your feelings and take another step.

 

Good luck,

[Anon321 522]

If you think he won't come back to you because he'll have sex with women who have larger breasts then you're either lacking confidence or your relationship might be too delicate to consider swinging right now.

[Fla-swing99 136]

First we would suggest that you work on the jealousy issue. There is no room for jealousy in the lifestyle. It will only end in drama for everyone involved.  This is just our humble opinion on it, we do it for the enjoyment of sharing the experience with each other.  Watching each other having sex with others getting pleased and pleasing them we found to be a huge turn on.  Keep in mind one important factor, when you’re with your significant other you’re making love however when you’re with others it’s just enjoying sex. There is a distinctive difference between love and making love and just having sex.  I never make love to anyone except my wife anyone I play with it’s just sex and my wife never makes love to any man it’s just sex and it’s time for the purpose of the enjoyment of it as well as the enjoyment of watching each other and being a part of it with each other.  If you reversed the scenario slightly then should your husband be concerned that you might leave him for another man who possibly has  a larger cock than he does or goes down on you better than he does?  If you were both in a loving committed relationship then there shouldn’t be any interest in either of you leaving the other one for something as silly as that.  For someone to leave their significant other over a body part is a clear indication their relationship did not have a strong base to begin with and they probably were not truly in love.  If you think of it along the lines of this, the majority of us all at some point in time in our life has had sex with another individual for the sole purpose of having sex and having sexual release without any emotions or love involved in it. In a swing situation having sex with someone other than your partner would be exactly the same thing, enjoying the sex simply for the purpose of enjoying sex and having nothing to do with emotions or love. For my wife and I we get a great deal enjoyment out of sharing something like that with each other and watching each other.  For us it’s that simple. Again this is just our humble opinion. Good luck

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

(A man typing here, so you know what perspective I'm coming from)

 

Linzy, I had quite a number of relationships before I met my wife. People come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. I've been with women who are very small chested and one woman who was very, very large chested, and everything in between. For most heterosexual males, breasts tend to be fascinating. But, a woman with small breasts is no less attractive to me than a woman with large breasts and vice versa. I care about the person. The body she lives in is considerably less important than who she is. I've known some very attractive women in my life who I would never in a million years consider dating because I know who they are. The reverse is true as well; I've known some women who aren't all that attractive, but whom I would happily jump into bed with because they are awesome people. The body they live in is not the most important thing.

 

Now, when it comes to swinging; you boyfriend would be having sex with a woman whom he likely has based most of his decision to have sex with on her body, and less about her mind as he would do in a relationship such as yours. That doesn't mean he would find you less attractive. Keep in mind; he chose to be with you, your body and whatever faults you think you have included (more on that in a moment). If he chose to be with you and loves making love with you, it is highly unlikely that would change because he has sex with another woman.

 

Now, about your supposed imperfections....  When I was in high school, I knew a young lady (I'll call her Jane here) who was just incredible. We were never friends, but we shared a music stand for a year and I got to know her pretty well. She was just amazing. Very intelligent, very talented, graceful, poised, articulate, and beautiful. I never once heard any guy in school say anything negative about her, and I heard many guys talk about how incredible she was to them. I think if I had asked every boy in school what they thought of her, 99% would have said she's the best. One day after school I had gotten out of a club meeting, and was headed down to my locker. I turned the corner onto the hallway leading to my locker and I could hear voices emanating from a classroom down the hall. One of them was very clearly Jane. Sitting next to her for a year, there was no way I would mistake her voice for someone else. She was talking with someone whom I couldn't identify. Jane was complaining about her the size of her breasts. I was shocked. Here was this epitome of perfection in the eyes of so many young men, this incredible young lady...finding fault with her breasts.

 

The moral of the story; women are highly self critical of their own appearance. Our society places ENORMOUS pressure on women to look a certain way, dress a certain way, be a certain way. It's all bunk. Your boyfriend fell in love with you because of who you are, not what size label is on your bra. That isn't going to change because he has sex with a woman who has far larger breasts than your own.

 

As to jealousy; it's a normal feeling, but one that you don't have to allow to drive you. One of the best ways to avoid jealousy is to be 100% openly communicative and intimate with your boyfriend (not talking physically here). Everyone here will tell you that great communication is pivotal for a relationship going into swinging. Even if you never swing, it's a great thing to have for relationships. So many relationships typically hold back, and don't communicate fully. I can tell my wife that something doesn't look good on her and I won't be in the dog house for it. I can tell my wife she's being crabby, or whatever typical thing guys get in the dog house for...so long as I am 100% honest with her and treat her with loving respect (which I always do). I can tell her I think a particular woman is very attractive. Likewise, she can tell me she would love to have sex with a certain guy she sees. All of this is because of absolute communication. With it, jealousy just isn't a factor.

 

 

[Numex 2,416]

On 2/5/2021 at 9:22 PM, linzy said:

 If I let him sleep with a hotter woman, how can he happily come back to me?

That is precisely the reason that he will not only come back to you, but also love you all the more.  My wife enjoys physical and behavioral (kinks) aspects of other men that I don't have.  I'm not threatened, however, because she comes back to me grateful and knows that if she wants whatever it is he has, she can get it again.  She has no reason to leave me.

 

On 2/5/2021 at 9:22 PM, linzy said:

he loves large breasts, but I have very small A's, wouldn't I just be f*cking myself over by letting him sleep with a large breasted woman as then mine will seem even more unappealing and inadequate? 

See above.  Plus, as a guy, big breasts are overrated.  My wife has fairly large breasts, but I come to find myself more and more attracted to two woman who have small tits. It's about exploring new bodies.

 

Have fun and don't worry.  Let us know how it goes.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We are and always will be our own worst critics.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm reminded of a Jeff Foxworthy stand up routine in which he notes women wondering what men are thinking. "I'll tell you what they're thinking. They're thinking 'I want a beer and I want to see something naked!'"

 

[couplers 4,640]

On 2/5/2021 at 9:22 PM, linzy said:

Secondly I would like to hear of any tips or advice about going into this as a jealous woman.

From my experience, I have two recommendations:

1. At least initially, you should maintain some control, the who, what, where, when of it all.  For me it was two years after I was playing until my husband did.  What made it easier for me was that I chose the women from among my friends and acquaintances for hubby to play with, they did it alone at first (later I did want to watch and participate), at our house, at a time when hubby and I could get back together for me to have him.  You decide what's best for you, how you imagining it unfolding.
2. Embrace the jealousy.  I still get incredibly jealous, but have tamed the beast and it is now my plaything - something that seems scary and dangerous, but not really.  It is like the scary roller coaster you scream the whole ride, but then want to go again.  It is the hard run or workout that hurts when you're doing it, but afterwards you are so, so glad you did.  People here talk about "reclaiming sex;" it is, to me, the best part of being non-monogamous and having a spouse who is also.  I had half of it when I first played, since hubby now does as well, getting back together after both of us have had sex with someone else is incredible.

Edited February 11, 2021 by couplers

[Tahoe 6]

On 2/5/2021 at 10:22 PM, linzy said:

Hello,

So I am both new to the forums and have not yet tried swinging but am very interested.

However, due to my upbringing and experiences, I am both extremely jealous and I have skewed views on men and their desires.

 

My current boyfriend and I, have a great relationship so far. We have hours of sex a day and are both very attracted to each other. Now for reasons I do not want to go into, right now with this man is the best time I believe to try swinging. I want to try it for a variety of reasons, one is I love sex, sleeping with other men, and turning him on. The second reason is kind of an exposure therapy you could say; I want to so badly work through my jealousy and be okay with seeing my man with another woman.

 

So my two questions are;

Men are very visual. I am an attractive woman, but there are way more attractive women out there. I fail to understand, If I let him sleep with a hotter woman, how can he happily come back to me? for example he loves large breasts, but I have very small A's, wouldn't I just be f*cking myself over by letting him sleep with a large breasted woman as then mine will seem even more unappealing and inadequate? 

 

Secondly I would like to hear of any tips or advice about going into this as a jealous woman.

 

Thank you

I am a 38DD feel the same way about someone who has smaller breast than me. I think it depends on the person and they way they think about themselves. I can't wear sexy clothes without feeling that I am saying hey look at me I have big boobs. 

[TricianMike 772]

3 hours ago, Tahoe said:

Men are very visual. I am an attractive woman, but there are way more attractive women out there. I fail to understand, If I let him sleep with a hotter woman, how can he happily come back to me? for example he loves large breasts, but I have very small A's, wouldn't I just be f*cking myself over by letting him sleep with a large breasted woman as then mine will seem even more unappealing and inadequate? 

Men are visual and women are visual. My husband loves me and still will make remarks about big breasts, Wow!, Holy Shit!, I can get lost in those. Then he says how he loves my size
Let me give you a comparable from my side, my husband is of average size, do I make a remark about men who are bigger? Wow! Holy Shit! And yes I have been with larger men, not something I want on a regular basis, I’m more than happy to be with what my husband has. 

Edited April 19, 2021 by TricianMike

[twohots4u2 188]

Different strokes for different folks.  I happen to be turned ob by small breasts and not by large breasts.  Yes, over the years I have been with lots of both, but realize that smaller ones (A and B cup) turn me on lots more than D or larger cup size breasts.

 

[findinganswers 369]

Attractive women are attractive regardless of breast size. 
I do notice a big breasted woman if she is attractive and might make a comment to the person I’m with only because hey I’m a guy. I am thinking our play partners are not D cup, B and C most likely and if I had a choice I would pick smaller perky before huge and swinging.