Therapist Recommendations?

[BallCapBabexox 15]

Hey folks, 

Totally get it- counselling/therapy isn’t for everyone. 
Personally though- I love it. 
Introducing the topic of non-monogamy or swinging into a relationship can be hard/scary/unpredictable. Yikes. 
 

Just wondering if anyone has any referrals to great marital/couples therapist they have worked with/heard about specifically related to non-monogamous coaching/can help couples navigate those initial or later arising  hiccups? 

 

Y’all are so great. 

 

Thanks! 

 

[Sunday 119]

I'm not a therapy guy but I have a few friends that are therapists.  I'd guess that the idea of introducing non-monogamy or swinging into a committed relationship is going to be a giant No-No or the vast majority of therapists.

And I suppose that's why you're asking...I'd be interested in hearing what you find out.  Do share.

?

 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Therapist's have been guests on various podcasts. Some of them are in the lifestyle as well. Most do remote sessions.

[Numex 2,416]

Whenever someone tells me that they are a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, I ask, "How does that make you feel?"  It's their go-to line, like "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Glad to respond to this. A few points to consider from my/our perspective.

 

Therapy is like any other endeavor: you get out of it what you put into it. There is nothing to be "for" or "against". It's analogous to physical exercise. The people who get something beneficial from it are those who really embrace it and put it into practice. Sounds like you have already checked that box.

 

Therapy is an intensely personal experience. Finding the "right therapist for you" is akin to finding the right medical doctor for you. Sometimes, you have to look far and wide. Sometimes you get lucky on the first try. The most important factor is that you and he/she develop deep trust and communication, the quicker the better. Therapy can lead you to explore some pretty deep stuff. If you don't trust and relate well to the person sitting across from you, it will have limited, if any, value. And, just like any other profession, some therapists are better than others. Find one who is skilled and don't be afraid to interview as many as needed until you do.

 

Since you are specifically going into therapy to discuss having an open marriage, you'll need to find a therapist who is both familiar with these kinds of alternative lifestyles and doesn't have a negative opinion of them. They definitely exist, but there are far fewer of them than those who cater to the mainstream lifestyle.

 

If you're going into therapy to find someone to endorse your decisions, you're likely to be disappointed. Prepare yourself to hear something you may not want to. That's okay. That's why you go to therapy. Sticking with the exercise analogy, that's why you have an annual check-up. Your doctor may tell you that extra 15 pounds you gained during the pandemic is causing some unwanted health issues and you need to get back to eating right and exercising (been there, done that... lol) It's not what you want to hear, but deep down, you know it's true. And you know you'll be better for it. Remember the old Theosophical saying, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

 

I applaud your decision to seek therapy *before* you jump into the deep end of an alternative lifestyle. Ann and I did the same thing. We wanted to make sure that we were standing on terra firma before we pressed launch. Let's face it: A whole lot of people come to the lifestyle with all kinds of relationship issues. If you choose to swing, trust me, any weakness in your relationship with your partner is going to be exposed. And you better have the tools to deal with it or it could very likely end poorly for both of you. Also, you'll need to have the tools to successfully deal with perfect strangers in an unusually intimate and complex social setting. Initially, *everything* will be a challenge. 

 

Lastly, I would suggest you visit with a medical doctor, too, so you can be fully aware of the physical health considerations that are biologically present when you have sex with multiple partners (who themselves have sex with multiple partners.) There is more to be concerned about than simple STDs or an unwanted pregnancy. Again, I'd suggest seeking out a physician who is familiar with alternative lifestyles.

 

Best to luck to you two.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

20 hours ago, Numex said:

Whenever someone tells me that they are a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, I ask, "How does that make you feel?"  It's their go-to line, like "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"

Being an IT guy, we say 'have you tried rebooting it?'...sounds better than turning off and on again.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Everyone has their own way of doing things, but we still feel that if you have great communication between the two of you, then that is what you need instead of someone else offering their own (biased one way or the other) opinion. Making the decision together will almost always work better than having to 'convince' your partner to try something.

[PeterJ 948]

My professional training was in clinical psychology, though in my case “other sports beckoned” (literally). But those four years in grad school did leave me with a perspective on how psychotherapy can be helpful to individuals, couples and families. From my perspective AndrewandAnn’s advice is excellent, probably the best on the subject I’ve seen posted on this board.

 

The fact is relatively few prospective novitiates to the Lifestyle are likely to follow A&A’s sage advice, but whether they open their sex lives to others or ultimately decide not to, those couples who do work with a therapist beforehand are significantly more likely to find themselves in a good place a year or more down their personal road than those who don’t. 
 

I won’t reiterate all of A&S’s recommendations, but there are two that I believe deserve added emphasis:

 

“Since you are specifically going into therapy to discuss having an open marriage, you'll need to find a therapist who is both familiar with these kinds of alternative lifestyles and doesn't have a negative opinion of them. They definitely exist, but there are far fewer of them than those who cater to the mainstream lifestyle.”

 

This is critical. Attitudes toward alternative sexual and romantic lifestyles have changed — to a degree. But many mainstream therapists will, whether consciously or because of their unconscious biases, steer you away from sexual exploration that involves any person(s) outside your relationship. On the other hand, there are a fair number of couples therapists who are open-minded on the subject (and may themselves have relevant personal experience.) In the past I’ve occasionally helped then-vanilla friends find such therapists. A Google search is helpful, though you will be much more likely to find them in larger metropolitan areas than in smaller communities in rural areas. 

 

“Lastly, I would suggest you visit with a medical doctor, too, so you can be fully aware of the physical health considerations that are biologically present when you have sex with multiple partners (who themselves have sex with multiple partners.) There is more to be concerned about than simple STDs or an unwanted pregnancy. Again, I'd suggest seeking out a physician who is familiar with alternative lifestyles.”

 

A wise person has an accurate assessment of the risks involved in any activity. Risk can be managed and every person or couple who wish to enjoy the benefits of sex with others will need to decide the level of health (and social — people lose jobs and friends through indiscretion) risks they are willing to accept. Some of my dear Lifestyle friends seem to me to be in denial about the health risks they assume, both sexual and these days non-sexual ones. Try not to be like them.