Help - having problems getting erection when swinging

[Mike6216 34]

So, me and the wife are new to swinging. We have soft swapped several times and full swapped (or at least tried to full swap) 4 times. The problem is, I was only able to get hard enough for penetration one of those times, and that was only for a few minutes. Last night was another failure. I just need help finding out what the issue is. I mean, I am completely comfortable with this couple, I am very attracted to her, and I'm totally turned on by watching my wife with them, so it just doesn't make sense to me. I even took cialis last night to make sure everything went smoothly. Not even that could do the trick. Im to the point where I'm embarrassed and wondering if I should even try again. Advice?

[adamgunn 1,460]

First question, of course, is are you able to penetrate your wife?

Second, are you able to penetrate her in the presence of the other couple?

 

It's probable that you are on mental overload. The good news is once you are over the hump, this should be cured. Of course, how do you do that?

If the other people are willing, I'd make this suggestion. Swap in different rooms; you'd be with the other wife without the distraction of the other couple. Turn the lights very low, perhaps off. Or you might try wearing a blindfold. 

 

And of course, use no alcohol or recreational drugs.

 

 

Best of luck.

[Sunday 119]

You first need to figure out if you problem is physical or mental.  A good indicator is this:  do you generally wake-up in the morning with an erection?  That usually signifies that there is no physical issue and it's all in your head.

 

And the mental thing can be fixed a lot easier than the physical thing.

 

?

[Fitlakecouple 451]

You are 'in your head' and as adam says on mental overload.  Assuming there are no ED issues - ED drugs help blood flow not your brain which is spinning. They can help but mostly as a mental crutch. If your wife can get you hard - they'll help you stay hard...

You simply need to get comfortable with the whole thing - naked in front of other people, being in the same room with a guy with an erection, you having sex with his wife, your wife with him - all this up against decades of programming (society / religious)  telling you this is wrong...

Maybe, back up and set up an mfm - get comfy with your wife having sex with another man. Zero pressure on you to perform; join in before, during and/or after - whatever feels right. Get a few wins under your belt. Move on from there.

[tkntd 59]

Sounds more mental than physical, friend. Contrary to what some people think, Cialis and like stuff doesn’t magically give you a hard on. They dilate the blood vessels to hopefully make getting an erection easier. 

[njbm 2,871]

Agree with all of above. Bet separate room would help. Also, try Viagra. More targeted in my experience. 

[PeterJ 948]

Lots of good advice proffered above @Mike6216. Here’s to you using it to find a path to a long and happy lifestyle experience for the two of you. (I think it’s encouraging that at least one time you were able to attain a sufficient erection to achieve penetration, albeit briefly.) I wonder if you may be trying too hard to perform and your performance anxiety is preventing you from getting hard or otherwise having an enjoyable time. Maybe adjust your mental outlook. Approach a date with the idea that it will be okay whether you have penis/vagina intercourse or not. (Perhaps the other woman is able to be satisfied with a good lick job. Perhaps you’d be okay with a nice blowjob or handjob.)

 

Alternatively, if you try the strategies outlined in the replies above and still find you aren’t getting a decent erection, this may be your penis suggesting that the part of your mind that is outside your awareness isn’t as enthusiastic about swinging as you are consciously. I can only respond to what you’ve written, but I noticed you didn’t say something like “What we’ve done do far has been really fun, but when it comes to intercourse I’m having trouble getting hard enough.” I don’t hear that it was thrilling or joyous. There’s nothing wrong with that. This lifestyle is not for everyone. Perhaps be open to that possibility. And don’t down yourself if that turns out to be the case.

 

[Mike6216 34]

@adamgunn I can't really say if I could penetrate my wife because we've never really tried during our swing sessions. I can say that after the first couple of times, me and the wife were so turned on by the experience, we had great sex immediately afterward and for several weeks that followed. After this occurrence, I was so embarrassed and disappointed in myself, I just wasn't feeling it. There is nothing that puts a damper on things quite like having to watch 2 gorgeous women suck on your flaccid penis and wonder what the fuck is going on.

@Sunday I do sometimes, but it is rare. I have low T, just not low enough for the Dr to treat it. "Normal" levels are something like 300-1200. I'm a 31 year old with a 321 T level, but to the dr, I'm "normal". I know this could give me some issues, but my equipment works just for 90% of the time with the wife. This makes me think that the issue is something else.

@Fitlakecouple we would be open to a mfm, but we are not sure how comfortable we would be with a stranger. We kind of feel into this when we found out this couple we have been friends with for many years are in the lifestyle. We are 100% comfortable with each other because of the familiarity we have. Not sure if we, more so the wife, would be as comfortable with anyone else.

@PeterJ that could very well be the issue. After the first encounter, which was a failure, I have tried going great lengths to make sure it didnt happen again. I got my t tested, got put on Cialis, started eating better, started working out, none of which seem to be making much of a difference. I kinda think that the first failure, which I believe was simply caused by too much alcohol, is still weighing on the back of my mind. As far as your second comment, we have definitely had a great time on each of our play dates, aside from the erection problems. I mean, I was content just watching the wife in action. Its just so hot watching her giving and receiving pleasure. This alone has made sure I have had a great time at each of our dates. But the one time that I was able to participate, that just took it to a whole other level. There is nothing quite like making out with your wife while she rides your best friend and your dick is in his wife doggy style. So, as much as I enjoy the oral play and the show my wife puts on, I just can't be satisfied until I can get back in the game. 

 

This last part is a reply to everyone. When we first started the night, we were just playing some games. There was lots of oral and manual stimulation and I was erect throughout. After the games, the wife's put on a show for about 30 minutes while us guys sat back and watched. Again, I was erect throughout. But when it came time for penetration, the erection quickly went away. Hell I was even erect watching my friend having his threesome with the wives but, once again, it went away every time I tried to join in. I eventually got off while receiving a double blowjob, so I guess it wasn't a complete failure. I just want to fix whatever the issue is before they decide to move along from us.

 

[adamgunn 1,460]

Okay, the question I asked was oriented towards can you get an effective erection. You can, you have great sex with your wife. So, it appears that your block comes from when you go to playing with the other wife. Yeah, it's all in your head!

 

My original advice stands. Try to talk your wife and this couple into having a separate rooms session, let them know it's to help you grow out of this problem - I'm sure they want to help you as much as you say you need help. Also, I like the advice njbm gave you about trying viagra rather than Cialis. 

 

The good news is, once you get over this hump you should be over it permanently.  Good luck, let us know what happens.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Another option, assuming all parties agree, is to start off together perhaps watching the ladies and/ or soft play - then go to a separate room with his wife. You need to concentrate  and be present with her. The fewer distractions - the better - at this point.

Stop worrying about your T levels, but definitely go easy on the alcohol.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

For most of us, we have been raised that 'doing this' is 'wrong'. Having sex with someone who isn't our wife is 'cheating' (doesn't matter if she is in full knowledge and approves). It can take a bit to overcome this 'programming'. Just be patient and don't forget that your wife approves this. Maybe start with the wife and once you are 'ready', she can help move you over to the other woman (personally, having the wife guide you into another woman is smokin' hot). While it is easy to say, the problem is with your head and not your body. Time, trust, and maybe some medical help (Viagra) should help you over the 'hump'. Worrying about it will only make things worse. Just keep trying, communicate with everyone involved (it's much better for them to know it's a 'you' thing and not a lack of attraction) and usually after the first time, it becomes much easier until you forget it was an issue at all. Good luck and let us know how things go.

[johnbatoN 12]

I went through exactly the same situation! And I understood that the issue is just in my head in my "good manners"/"education" as GoldCoCouple said. I worked with my wife, we talked and had a lot of practice. And I also took several times viagra :) and the problem disapeared. So just be brave, work upon yourself! Good luck!

Edited May 20, 2021 by johnbatoN

[adamgunn 1,460]

JohnbatoN, Thanks for posting your success story. This issue comes up regularly, and we tell the men that once they get used to the situation it will clear up. Then, they just ghost us, we never know.

 

In your case, you took the couple of moments to let us know that the solution really works! It's appreciated by the folk on this board.

[Ozzie+Harriet 84]

I am not a psychologist, I don't play one on tv and a lot of people give me skeptical looks when I weigh in what might be going on in someone's head, but here goes. I think most guys feel the need to perform and leave their partner with the idea that "wow, that was just awesome." I think tht sort of pressure in the back of your head, even subconciously, could cause someone to be so concerned about not being the greatest, that he gets so worried about performing that ends up not being able to. Getting rid of any anxiety about the encounter might help, although I really don't know anything specific to do that. It's not just sex, either. It's hard to do anything if you are too worried about fucking up.