Reluctance to talk sex

[kc081878 12]

I just realized I should have put this topic/post in this category. 

 

The short version is... 

We are 42, married 19 years, not in the LS, but we role play with toys and props in LS scenarios. She says they are so hot. 

 

Yet, prefers not discussing what we do and let's me orchestrate our playtimes to surprise her. 

 

Here is the thing... She is so intellectual, creative, confident and vocal and me being very artistic and a bit of a romantic, I desperately want to know her erotic mind. However, discussing sex makes her uncomfortable and she clams up a bit.  

 

She assures me me she is quite happy and she is not the type to lie. And I don't need her to stroke my ego.  I never talk down to her or judge her fantasies when she does share. 

 

Any advice on how to get her to open up and not get uncomfortable or embarrassed to talk aloud about sex?

 

Or should I get over it and enjoy what I have?

 

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by kc081878

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Have you opened up your 'erotic mind' to her? Ms. Gold had/has a similar problem, but when we are sharing info she doesn't even seem to realize that she is talking about her fantasies. Conversation should always be a two way street. At the same time, if she doesn't want to travel down that street, trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do will not result in any positive results. Keep (softly) trying and see if she doesn't eventually warm up to the idea.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Here's my suggestion that I usually give..... have a talk, sober and sitting at the kitchen table. Absolutely NOT pillow talk. Tell her everything you just said. You don't seem the pushy type (kudos!) So just lay it out.

 

Tell her all the things that turn you on. And tell her you want to know what does it for her.

 

Everyone here will tell you that communication is the basics of swinging. You BOTH need to be able to do this without any reservations. 

 

Depending on how the conversation goes you can mention that she seems to like the idea of multiple partners. Be sure to emphasize that you love her. 

 

And finally be ready to leave it there and come back to it another time. Swinging isn't for everyone and while it can make a good relationship better, it can also burn it to the ground if someone isn't there or has serious reservations. Nervous about it is fine. Fear or doing it because the other spouse wants to, is not a good start.

[kc081878 12]

On 3/29/2021 at 11:14 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Have you opened up your 'erotic mind' to her? Ms. Gold had/has a similar problem, but when we are sharing info she doesn't even seem to realize that she is talking about her fantasies. Conversation should always be a two way street. At the same time, if she doesn't want to travel down that street, trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do will not result in any positive results. Keep (softly) trying and see if she doesn't eventually warm up to the idea.

Thank you. The last few years we have been able to discuss a bit more. And learning that we both have a wife sharing fantasy, I probably got overzealous about wanting to talk more and really unpack those feelings being that we grew up conservative Christians and were regular church goers till COVID. 

 

But there is always an underlying reluctance for her to discuss anything haveing to do with sex. "Erotic mind" is great term I've never heard it before. But yeah, I've probably overshared mine at times.

 

Again, thank you. I will be mindful to take it slow and perhaps not make such a big deal about next time she opens up. 

[kc081878 12]

On 3/29/2021 at 12:12 PM, Idahocouple6969 said:

Here's my suggestion that I usually give..... have a talk, sober and sitting at the kitchen table. Absolutely NOT pillow talk. Tell her everything you just said. You don't seem the pushy type (kudos!) So just lay it out.

 

Tell her all the things that turn you on. And tell her you want to know what does it for her.

 

Everyone here will tell you that communication is the basics of swinging. You BOTH need to be able to do this without any reservations. 

 

Depending on how the conversation goes you can mention that she seems to like the idea of multiple partners. Be sure to emphasize that you love her. 

 

And finally be ready to leave it there and come back to it another time. Swinging isn't for everyone and while it can make a good relationship better, it can also burn it to the ground if someone isn't there or has serious reservations. Nervous about it is fine. Fear or doing it because the other spouse wants to, is not a good start.

Thank you for the advice. I've read stories and listened to swinger podcast and the couples conversations seem to flow naturally. As natural as discussing the beauty of a painting. That's where I hope to get with her. We are 19 years into a great marriage, we are best friends and communication on all other fronts is above average. Perhaps it's our conservative Christian background that makes it seem taboo to her. 

 

I know I should be careful to not place any expectations on her, but with couples in the life style, is there a healthy amount of sex/imntimacy conversation we should be working toward or does it just vary with couples? 

 

Thanks for your time

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I was raised in a very conservative Christian family myself so I have an inkling as to what she is going through as well. Best defense for Christians is a good offense: 

 

I've posted this before (heck, I may have posted this earlier in this thread) but for other Christians having issues with swinging and religion, first remember that the Old Testament had almost every marriage being between multiple people and it wasn't 'condemned', it wasn't even said to be wrong. It was almost needed to provide the labor for farming or herding. It just kind of faded away as more people moved into cities instead of needing the help being nomads/farmers/herders. But just because having multiple wives came to an end, it didn't mean that monogamy was the only accepted 'norm'. In Roman times, just because you were married, didn't mean you never had sex with anyone else. People 'think' that the Bible condemns most sexual activity, but in actuality it doesn't, and the Romans had plenty: bath houses, legal prostitution, orgies, gladiators (not just for fighting in the arena), homosexuality, sex with slaves, and more were all considered legal, allowable, and not a violation of the marriage.

 

Next, read this:

 

Monogamy Isn't Biblical, It's Roman

 

Finally, remember search (hidden in upper right corner) is your friend. There are a bunch of threads dealing with Christianity and swinging.

 

 

 

Here's a good book on the topic:

 

"Unprotected Texts: The Bible's Surprising Contradictions about Sex and Desire" by Jennifer Wrigtht Knust

 

This ought to at least give you some ammo to start the conversation rolling. Let us know how things progress!