older couple looking to learn more and get some advice.

[John & Emily 1]

we are new to this and are in our early 60's.  we want to try this but my woman is nerves and she's not sure about how she would feel to see me with another woman.  I'm really into watching her with another man and I'm extremely ok with that, and she's ok with doing that, but she's apprehensive about how she would feel about me being with another woman.  she's ok with trying it but just worries about how she will feel after.. we are in the east bay of San Francisco..  

[njbm 2,871]

We worried about it before, but had no jealousy when we had our first swaps. A good initial test is to go to a swingers’ club and only play among your selves and watch and be watched. Once in that atmosphere, you will have a better idea of whether this is doable or a bridge too far. The only real way to know is to exchange partners. If your wife tries it and cannot stand it, she doesn’t have to do it again. It is not a world ending experience. Of course, if she is militantly against a swap, don’t push it. 

[lcmim 1,082]

We started at about your age. We went soft swing same room initially. That gave my wife time to acclimate and take charge. At out first party she wouldn't even go into the lobby without holding my hand.  Things progressed as she felt more at ease. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

There is more to our backstory, but I have written of it here before.

Feel free to post us.

Edited April 15, 2021 by lcmim

[adamgunn 1,460]

We started in our fifties, are now in our seventies. Njbm and Lcmim gave great advice. Slow and steady is the ticket here. Going to a club is not a bad idea.

 

The key to avoiding her jealousy is to tell your wife sincerely and often how much you love her, that no other woman could ever take her place, that you'd never leave her for another woman. She won't believe you, completely, at first. Reinforcing it time and again will cement that in place. Even so, she'll be nervous the first few times you interact with another woman, that's quite natural.

 

Take it one step at a time. I suggest you get into a situation where you have a make out session with another couple. Kissing only, no petting, no nudity. Afterwards, talk to her about it, see how she feels. The next time if she's willing go further, perhaps petting, perhaps a soft swap - but you should not penetrate the other woman. Again, analyze your reactions. Eventually, perhaps, she'll see that nothing significant will change if you full swap.

 

Best of luck.

 

BTW, how's the East Bay doing without the Raiders? I used to live in Oakland and Fremont.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

When you started to learn to drive, did the first thing you do is jump on the freeway in heavy traffic? Set your limits...and they can be as simple as meeting another couple for drinks and talk or going to a swingers club and only watching others, and then stick to them. There is no rush and there should also be no pressure on either of you. Your original limits can be anything, just make sure that everyone knows what they are. Other couples will not try and make you do anything you aren't ready to do (and if they do try, just walk away). We were both worried about what would happen when we started as well (you would be foolish not to at least think about it). I used to be very jealous as well, but as we proceeded forward we were both good with what happened. We even had the infamous 'no kissing' rule but that only lasted one outing before we both agreed that it wasn't needed.

 

Set your limits and rules. Don't try to change them in the heat of passion, but discuss any potential changes the next day for the next time. Always move at the speed that the slowest person is comfortable with. No means absolutely NO. If one of you decides this isn't for them and they want to stop, then you both stop. You are a team, play as a team. If you both aren't enjoying this, then don't do it. Swinging will NOT save a troubled relationship, only end it. If you show each other love, trust and communication, swinging will be the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae. Good luck and let us know what things are going.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

This essay that we wrote and posted 5 years ago may be of use to the OP framing perspectives. 

 

 

[lcmim 1,082]

2 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

This essay that we wrote and posted 5 years ago may be of use to the OP framing perspectives. 

 

 

We have read this several times. It is definitely worth looking at.

[njbm 2,871]

I like the concept of compersion!

[TeamCalgary 168]

Our suggestion to you is, from the outset, both of you need to accept that you are going to experience things with other people.

Hopefully good things. Don't get hung up on making any comparisons, just accept that things will be different than they are with your spouse;

this is the whole idea. Not better, not worse - different. This will help with your insecurities in thinking that "oh, he is enjoying this more with her

than he does with me" or "she seems to be enjoying that more with him than she does with me". Decide upfront that you are not even going 

to go there; comparisons will not serve you. 

[midlifecrisis 25]

Hello from the South Bay! My advice, like everyone else's, is to take things slowly and talk things out beforehand. I started in the lifestyle with my wife at the time, then as a single man, and now with a gf - so I feel as though I've been a newbie 3 different times, and each time has been wildly different. For me the best way to avoid jealousy has been the conversations we've had long before deciding to do anything. Talking things out, exploring fantasies without anyone else in the room, figuring out what's of interest, what's not, what's crossing the line - builds a trust between you that enhances your relationship. The more you talk, the more you find out about your partner and the tighter your bond is, to the point that when you do eventually put your hat in the ring, jealousy is the last thing on your mind.

[lovefest04 699]

Have you simply considered a MFM as the starting point?

 

Maybe it's helpful to go with the the path of least resistance first.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

For my wife and I, our first ever experience in swinging was a soft swap with another couple. That went quite well (in fact, we played with them again a couple of months later). But, for my wife it was a bit more difficult for her to wrap her mind around the idea of me playing with another woman than it was for her to wrap her mind around the idea of me enjoying her playing with another man. So, we spent a lot more time on MFMs. That worked well. I enjoy watching her have sex, in fact very much so. It's a real treat for me, and never gets old. Perhaps that might be a route for you and your wife.