Picking someone up in a bar?

[Tahoe 6]

Haven't been into the dating scene for over 20 yrs.  We have been to swinger resorts, have toys, and we talk about each other being with someone else. Mine almost happened a couple of weeks ago story  in another post. I guess my question is how do we pick up a couple or single in a bar to have fun together? How do you know if they are interested in you or the both of you? Do you wear something you are comfortable in or get out of your safety zone? High heels does not work for me at all.  I would like our first time being a soft swap with a couple in the same room he wants to watch and maybe join in. I would like to see him spread her lips apart and lick her and  watch his tongue slid inside of her until she is so wet that her juice is dripping out of his mouth then she can take him into her mouth until he cums. any advice to make this happen would be great 

[Alura 2,774]

Women can ask questions about sex without sounding predatory, men not so much. Mrs. Tahoe should ask questions. Laura liked questions that began "How do you feel about... ?" Such questions can't be answered with "yes" or "no." They have to be answered with a discussion. Don't avoid questions asked of yourself. Answer as if you really want them to know, not like you're telling as little as you can get away with. Start with innocuous ones, such as "How do y'all feel about Gathering Place?" Ask a few innocent ones until they get used to the format of the question and are answering freely. Make your questions mirthful, not threating. Watch for frowns instead of smiles, body language, tone of voice.

 

"How do y'all feel about marital dating? This one is useful. Some will interpret it as spouses dating separately; some as two couples going out to dinner together. Delve. If all this goes poorly, go back to innocent questions, or stop the conversation and go home. If the folks are anxious to answer, ask more pertinent questions such as, "How do you feel about life-long marital fidelity?" (Laura's answer on our first date was, "I can't imagine living my life only fucking one person.")

If all went well, Laura would ask "the biggie."

"How do y'all feel about swinging?" We got answers from "I would never do that; we're out of here!!" to "We've talked about it." (This is the most common in our experience.) to "We want to try it." to (our favorite) "We were both virgins 'til I got pregnant in high school. We've never been with anyone else. Y'all want to be our seconds?"

[adamgunn 1,460]

Great post, Alura, spoken like a true salesperson.  My wife always responds if a man approaches her by flirting. A typical first question is, "Which do you prefer, fish or rubber balls?" Two very unrelated things, not at all related to the place. This lets her know whether the guy is agile on his feet, has a thought process as strange as hers, if he's willing to take it further. If he comes back with a double entendre, such as, "Do they have to be rubber?" and makes her laugh, his stock goes way up.

 

If he simply says, "Fish, why do you ask," he's pretty much flunked the first test, She'll respond by saying, "Well, I'm more into rubber balls. Doesn't seem we have much in common," and she'll blow him off.

[herpob 563]

Yes yes YES, let the woman do the speaking. My husband is very smooth and he still doesn't come across as well as I do. No offense to the men but none of our ladies have even felt threatened by a lady, it is always the men who put us off. Once we get to know the husbands very well there is seldom a problem as long as the wife is present but either way the women have always been the catalyst for our great hook ups.  Alura wrote it like a pro!

[TricianMike 772]

Strike up a conversation and see where it goes or have her approach and while he watches from across the bar. A woman asking to join you is a lot less threatening. It is much easier finding a male to join you. 

[Tahoe 6]

Thank you all for the great advice. Going out of town in a few weeks going to try this and see what happens. I would like for us to go to a swingers club in the area just to check it out. I have found some SLS website but way to far from us and none in our local area.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We don't understand why you want to pick someone up in a bar? If you want to catch a fish, shouldn't you go fishing somewhere were there are the kind of fish you want to catch?  It's like fishing in an aquarium...sure there are fish there, but they are not the kind of fish you would normally try to catch. If you want to find a man or another couple, try a swingers club or swingers site online. Trying to get a random man or couple in a bar is for advanced swingers only. On top of everything else that couple lead to problems, are even if you catch one, are they ready and/or willing to let the hubby watch/participate (seriously, most aren't, especially couples). Stick to fishing were you know what kind of fish you will find.

[Anon321 521]

Picking up a swinging couple at a bar is tough because we are not able to identify who is and isn't a swinger and the likelihood is that they are not swingers.  For this reason we don't actively search for couples at regular bars.  However single guys are easy and any bar is a good hunting ground for them.  If I leave her alone for a little while someone will come up and buy her a drink.  Some talking, drinking, hands on each other and if it ever gets to dancing it's usually a lock.  Occasionally she will see someone she likes and she will make the first move.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

The anonymous bar hookup can be fun. We agree with @Anon321 that it's not easy to pick up couples that way - just single guys.  If you can, target a hotel bar bc your prey will likely have a room or you can get one if need be.

[Tahoe 6]

18 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

We don't understand why you want to pick someone up in a bar? If you want to catch a fish, shouldn't you go fishing somewhere were there are the kind of fish you want to catch?  It's like fishing in an aquarium...sure there are fish there, but they are not the kind of fish you would normally try to catch. If you want to find a man or another couple, try a swingers club or swingers site online. Trying to get a random man or couple in a bar is for advanced swingers only. On top of everything else that couple lead to problems, are even if you catch one, are they ready and/or willing to let the hubby watch/participate (seriously, most aren't, especially couples). Stick to fishing were you know what kind of fish you will find.

I have looked on SLS for a club in my area there is none. I have tried to google with no luck. Maybe we will just go a check the scene out. 

[TricianMike 772]

Bar pickups were a big turn on for us and we got the idea from reading posts on here. You might want to do a search and look at the many ideas that have been posted. 
We started by going to hotels that were hosting business meetings and hotels near Giant stadium. Mike would watch as I approached men at the bar. Be careful, you can be thought of as an escort.  I have been asked how much I wanted. The biggest obstacle was telling a willing man that my husband is across the bar and wants to watch. Most men are freaked with that scenario. More willing are young men at football games staying at the hotel near the stadium. Remember guys travel together with friends. None of these pickups are romantic and picking up two younger guys can lead to guys being macho in front of their friends. 
Picking up a couple is much much more difficult but not impossible. Be prepared for some very hard shut downs. The biggest successes come from watching couples who are meeting for romance. You can spot cheating spouses, couples that just met and couples who are sexily flirting. 
We have met couples at Gentleman bars. It’s very easy finding men but when you see a couple together at a Gentleman bar you have a real opportunity. 
Don’t expect to build a relationship with anyone you meet, this is all for one time sex. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

24 minutes ago, TricianMike said:

Be careful, you can be thought of as an escort.  I have been asked how much I wanted

If you're going to do a little hotwifing at the bar we recommend wearing a "Hotwife" necklace.  Pointing to that instantly dispels that fear

 

 

Quote

More willing are young men at football games staying at the hotel near the stadium. Remember guys travel together with friends. None of these pickups are romantic and picking up two younger guys can lead to guys being macho in front of their friends.

That's why we prefer hotels that cater to business travelers.  A bunch of fired up drunk guys at a football game? Nope.

 

Quote

this is all for one time sex.

Important to remember.  It's just a NSA hookup.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

If you can't find a nearby club, there's always online or planning a weekend away at a city with a club. If you don't fish where the fish are, don't be surprised when you don't catch any...

[TricianMike 772]

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

If you're going to do a little hotwifing at the bar we recommend wearing a "Hotwife" necklace.  Pointing to that instantly dispels that fear

At the time we didn’t know the term Hotwife, something we first learned here. Still don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t think of it as Michael wanting to watch, I thought of it as me having sex with others. 

 

5 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

That's why we prefer hotels that cater to business travelers.  A bunch of fired up drunk guys at a football game? Nope.

We did the business hotels and thought it would be fun with football fans. I don’t think it was drunk guys, just guys getting lucky. Unsuspecting guys being asked to have sex for free. 

[TeamCalgary 168]

1 hour ago, TricianMike said:

At the time we didn’t know the term Hotwife, something we first learned here. Still don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t think of it as Michael wanting to watch, I thought of it as me having sex with others. 

 

We did the business hotels and thought it would be fun with football fans. I don’t think it was drunk guys, just guys getting lucky. Unsuspecting guys being asked to have sex for free. 

Just be aware of the dynamic that may occur when you have a group of drunk men, who have no affiliation with/to you, end up behaving unpredictably/unexpectedly. Agreed, the potential sounds enticing, but would suspect that it would be prudent to also be prepared

for the unknown/unwelcome aspect of it. 

[TricianMike 772]

2 hours ago, TeamCalgary said:

Just be aware of the dynamic that may occur when you have a group of drunk men, who have no affiliation with/to you, end up behaving unpredictably/unexpectedly. Agreed, the potential sounds enticing, but would suspect that it would be prudent to also be prepared

for the unknown/unwelcome aspect of it. 

Bringing up memories when posting this, it happened years ago when we first started looking. 
Businessmen you would think are safer and then sex brings out a different side. 
The football fans were Eagle fans if I remember and that was the first risk. I didn’t know about the second one until I asked the first one and he told me had a friend. The second one was better looking I remember. They weren’t drunk drunk, they did try to be studs. Rough show offs. I handled it and even with my husband there they tried stuff. I am sure neither had ever been in a threesome. 

[njbm 2,868]

Eagles fans threw snowballs at Santa Claus. Their last stadium had a jail in it. I would run the other way. Signed, a Giants fan who has seen many Eagles fans. 

[PSULioness 839]

3 hours ago, njbm said:

Eagles fans threw snowballs at Santa Claus. Their last stadium had a jail in it. I would run the other way. Signed, a Giants fan who has seen many Eagles fans. 

It’s like a Buckeye showing up at one of our PSU games. I heard Eagle fans are the absolute worst fans. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

21 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

If you're going to do a little hotwifing at the bar we recommend wearing a "Hotwife" necklace.  Pointing to that instantly dispels that fear

That's why we prefer hotels that cater to business travelers.  A bunch of fired up drunk guys at a football game? Nope.

Important to remember.  It's just a NSA hookup.

 

22 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Be careful, you can be thought of as an escort.  I have been asked how much I wanted. The biggest obstacle was telling a willing man that my husband is across the bar and wants to watch. Most men are freaked with that scenario.

 

Depending on your age range, bars that cater to graduate students aren't bad for this kind of thing, either. Most are single, most are enthusiastic, and most know how to act reasonable. It's not too difficult in a college town to see which venues cater to 21-year-olds and which ones cater to 27-year-olds.

 

We've tried to avoid the "he's over there" situation, because it falls apart 80% of the time. We've found that getting a conversation going and then gently signaling what's up physically saves time. If she has her hand on his knee and gives me a kiss and he doesn't excuse himself, we might have a winner. If he does, we probably saved ourselves twenty minutes. That's just us, though, and I expect the social dynamic will be different in a lot of places post-pandemic.

[TricianMike 772]

1 hour ago, EastInWest said:

Depending on your age range, bars that cater to graduate students aren't bad for this kind of thing

We looked for no younger than 30 at football games and 40s at hotel bars during business meetings. Picking up men was much harder to do, a lot of talk and flirting. I enjoyed dressing for the part. Telling them about a husband watching was a deal breaker many times. 
At after game hotel pickups we always found willing guys. Most of the time it was guys away on a guys weekend. I would wear my Giants jersey and flirt. It was also fun to have Mike with me when I was flirting. We were at a Cowboys game and I flirted with two guys and when I asked if they wanted to party they said can they invite friends up to the room. I am not into being with multi men, I know others look for gangbangs, I don’t. It ended up just two came up and then a third friend came later. 

[njbm 2,868]

5 hours ago, PSULioness said:

It’s like a Buckeye showing up at one of our PSU games. I heard Eagle fans are the absolute worst fans. 

If you have not seen it yet, I recommend the movie Silver Linings Playbook with Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence. Good movie. One of the subplots is the bad behavior of Eagles fans. 

[Anon321 521]

16 hours ago, TricianMike said:

Bringing up memories when posting this, it happened years ago when we first started looking. 
Businessmen you would think are safer and then sex brings out a different side. 
The football fans were Eagle fans if I remember and that was the first risk. I didn’t know about the second one until I asked the first one and he told me had a friend. The second one was better looking I remember. They weren’t drunk drunk, they did try to be studs. Rough show offs. I handled it and even with my husband there they tried stuff. I am sure neither had ever been in a threesome. 

I agree that sex can bring out different sides of people.  Some of the nicest and shyest people I know were not so nice or shy in their sexual life.  I've also seen the rough show offs many times especially in a group dynamic with several guys constantly pushing the boundaries like they are trying to prove something to one another.

[TricianMike 772]

1 hour ago, Anon321 said:

I agree that sex can bring out different sides of people.  Some of the nicest and shyest people I know were not so nice or shy in their sexual life.  I've also seen the rough show offs many times especially in a group dynamic with several guys constantly pushing the boundaries like they are trying to prove something to one another.

Yes, even the conservative well dressed businessman can take advantage. We knew the Eagle fans would be difficult, psychologically I was prepared for hard sex, rough sex. It never got to the point where we said never again. 
 

[Anon321 521]

29 minutes ago, TricianMike said:

Yes, even the conservative well dressed businessman can take advantage. We knew the Eagle fans would be difficult, psychologically I was prepared for hard sex, rough sex. It never got to the point where we said never again. 
 

My GF loves really rough sex so it's actually a pleasant surprise for her.  It's actually rare that I ever have to step in because someone got too rough but it has happened.

[Tahoe 6]

Thank you all for the advice. 

[njbm 2,868]

We have seen two instances of aggressive, but consensual, ass slapping at a couple of house parties. But we’ve otherwise seen little of rough sex and we have never experienced it. Nor do we want to. I guess we have a different concept of sex than some people. 

[findinganswers 369]

4 hours ago, njbm said:

We have seen two instances of aggressive, but consensual, ass slapping at a couple of house parties. But we’ve otherwise seen little of rough sex and we have never experienced it. Nor do we want to. I guess we have a different concept of sex than some people. 

Ass slapping and hair pulling is common with us. Any woman not comfortable with that should stop the partner immediately. We don’t have a large circle of swing partners, mostly friends and friends of friends, only one or two degrees of separation. Any over aggressive sex would not go far. 
I can understand a pickup might take unwanted liberties. To me it sounds a woman picking up several men can expect aggressive sex and would know what to do if they went too far. 

[HerSweetness 141]

We had been thinking about this overall scenario as well, but hadn’t considered the success percentage rate till now. Visiting a club clearly seems to be the better option with the most opportunity for a successful meeting with likeminded couples. Definitely something to weigh going forward. 

[MidwestHoneys 356]

8 hours ago, HerSweetness said:

We had been thinking about this overall scenario as well, but hadn’t considered the success percentage rate till now. Visiting a club clearly seems to be the better option with the most opportunity for a successful meeting with likeminded couples. Definitely something to weigh going forward. 

Sounds like a fun night to try and get a few people. We don’t know about clubs or even where one is. We like to have our meetings set up by this friend we have. 

[Anon321 521]

On 4/23/2021 at 3:58 PM, findinganswers said:

To me it sounds a woman picking up several men can expect aggressive sex and would know what to do if they went too far. 

Maybe but once you give up control and things begin to escalate it can take a bad turn.  I've had this conversation with my GF numerous times.  As hot as the thought of a bunch of guys having rough sex with her while I'm not around is, it also has left me very nervous on occasions as for her own safety.  I always tell her to have a safe word and a safe action (in case she is gagged, being facefucked etc), always have the mace that I bought her on hand, and don't let anyone put their hands around her neck.  Another good practice is to text your SO or at least a friend of your location.

 

There is always that risk but there are also things you can do to try to minimize it.  If someone pulls her hair or slaps her across the face too hard that is a bad thing.  But if someone chokes her too hard that can be a horrific thing.  I try to focus on the most important things which is why I tell her not to let anyone's hands around her neck when I'm not around or with the exception of some very close friends of ours.  However she is her own person and she is into the choking/breath play stuff so whether or not she is always following the rules I can't be certain of but we created them for her own protection.

[PSULioness 839]

1 hour ago, Anon321 said:

Another good practice is to text your SO or at least a friend of your location.

Always a great idea whether single or married when meeting a man you hardly know and decide to spend a night. 
When I was single and living off campus I would sometime invite someone I just met back to my place and even it was my home it was risky. I never had anyone choke me and never had a reason for a safe word. If I thought I needed a safe word I wouldn’t have invited the person. I most likely did let a friend know I was leaving with a guy, I don’t know how that would help if things got dangerous during the night. Even the pepper spray in my drawer wouldn’t help if I was restrained. More than one date has pulled my hair, never to the point of me being scared. Butt slapping was not uncommon, real spanking was one guy and I allowed it. That same person wanted to be spanked in return, I did it, I did not find spanking him exciting. 
Now a little older I see I am fortunate to have survived my single years unharmed. I have heard real rape stories and too many of my friends sexually assaulted. It makes me angry to hear from friends the horror stories. 

[Anon321 521]

50 minutes ago, PSULioness said:

Always a great idea whether single or married when meeting a man you hardly know and decide to spend a night. 
When I was single and living off campus I would sometime invite someone I just met back to my place and even it was my home it was risky. I never had anyone choke me and never had a reason for a safe word. If I thought I needed a safe word I wouldn’t have invited the person. I most likely did let a friend know I was leaving with a guy, I don’t know how that would help if things got dangerous during the night. Even the pepper spray in my drawer wouldn’t help if I was restrained. More than one date has pulled my hair, never to the point of me being scared. Butt slapping was not uncommon, real spanking was one guy and I allowed it. That same person wanted to be spanked in return, I did it, I did not find spanking him exciting. 
Now a little older I see I am fortunate to have survived my single years unharmed. I have heard real rape stories and too many of my friends sexually assaulted. It makes me angry to hear from friends the horror stories. 

I think you need to be smart and careful.  No matter what you are still taking a risk but that is life.  My GF loves rough sex more than anyone I've ever seen.  But when you're dealing with guys you just met and there is no supervision you need to be careful in how you explain it and proceed with it.  I think rough sex is more likely to turn into violent sex and that is what creates problems.

 

My GF has always been into the rape fantasy thing.  I've tried to do it in the past with her but I cannot do it.  I usually just end up laughing and then she laughs and it never works out.  Also the rape thing isn't a sexual turn on for me but quite the opposite.  However my GF actually told me a story of how she was "raped"... but not really raped by 2 guys.  It sounded like real rape to me but she says she thinks of it more as role play because she explained the fantasy to the guys beforehand.  To me this does not give guys a free pass to do anything they want and is one of the reasons rough sex and rape fantasies have to be explained and acted on with caution.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

4 hours ago, Anon321 said:

once you give up control and things begin to escalate it can take a bad turn

This is true.  Hooking up is not without certain risks.  Vegas is where we go so my wife can pick up men in bars - on her own while I'm off gambling.  The swing community has a huge presence in Vegas and I've suggested arranging things in advance but if I did she would kill me.  The thrill of the chase is important to her - to be a cougar on the prowl. If I set something up it would be like shooting fish in a barrel for her.  We stay in constant contact via phone and I have to trust her instinct and judgement.  So far so good.