If we did... I would want to play alone first.

[kc081878 12]

So we are sharing with each other our answers from a Lifestyle  "would you rather?" quiz.

 

For her first Hotwife experience (as was the question) , she said she would prefer to play alone vs a MFM. She said she didn't think she could be in the moment wondering what I would be thinking or that she would need to perform for me. 

 

In my mind I would want to see every facet of her pleasure. All the new and different ways her body would respond. 

 

Silly of me to automatically assume that she would prefer the same as my fantasy. Still, I'm greatful for her transparency. 

 

For me it brought up more feelings to consider and reconcile. The idea of her playing alone is a bit arousing, but I feel I'd be missing out. Yet, I want her to fully explore and enjoy her fantasies. 

 

We have made good strides to more openly share and discuss our lifestyle fantasies. 

 

I appreciate your feedback, experiences and advice moving forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NoAngels 349]

If the idea is for to have fun, let her do it alone. For many years we both had affairs, affairs with knowledge by the other. I didn’t need to watch her, didn’t need her to watch me. She enjoyed meeting married men with no thought of having ongoing relationships. At first we only had knowledge and no details were talked about, then we shared experiences. Funny how our wants were not that far apart, she enjoyed new experiences and the opportunities to be uninhabited in bed. She registered on cheater sites and she told me she always told the men she met that she was married and not looking for anything long term. We did do something very similar in meeting new partners. I travel for business and had affairs in different cities with women I met either in business settings or randomly at hotels. She had on occasion gone to local business conventions looking to be picked up. She said convention sex was a once and done, one night with a stranger. The down side of stranger sex is that not all meetings live up to expectations. 
When we started to meet couples together the sex was not the same as alone. It was exciting to watch her, not as great having her watch me. I tell her to ignore me and enjoy, I can’t ignore her. Swinging did add a new ripple for us, adding a woman. 

[kc081878 12]

NoAngels,

 

That is a dynamic I had not considered. It's seems the evolution of a couples journey and how people feel as they progress varies widely. 

 

For me it seems like seeing the Grand Canynon for the first time. People have all these amazing descriptions of its beauty, but until you see it for yourself in person,  you can't understand what that beauty will mean for you or how you will respond. 

[findinganswers 369]

Let me chime in. Sex with someone else was brought up by my wife, sex with our friends. We never discussed her going alone, I still think she may have before I agreed to do it. She says she never did. 
Watching my wife sucking our friend was both horrifying and exciting. For me, it was a very difficult act to watch and when my wife’s girlfriend, someone we have been close with for years did to me the same as my wife was doing to her husband, I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to enjoy a bj, yet I kept looking over to my wife. When the sex got hotter I kept wondering if she was noisier with him, I don’t think she noticed her friend was on top of me. 
I don’t want to use the word letting or allowing her to enjoy alone with them, I have become comfortable with the knowledge that she can have sex without me present. I don’t know if her experiences are much different with me there or not. When I am alone now with our friend my anxiety level is much lower and the enjoyment is changed. 
Over the years my whole outlook to sex with others has loosened up and I can say I am no longer horrified to watch and to the contrary it’s quite normal to watch her enjoy. 
If you can come to grips that your wife wants to enjoy another man first, she should me able to let you enjoy another woman alone. As time goes on if your relationship is solid you will experience the lifestyle together. Good Luck

[kc081878 12]

I've mentioned in other posts that my wife has  historically  been adventurous in the confines of our marriage but is reluctant to talk "naughty stuff". (Do to upbringing, religion, etc). So when she does verbalize, it's all the more exciting. 

 

All that being said, I have no idea how I would react to seeing her with someone else. But I do know this... there are times and statements over the course of our marriage that caused feelings and desires in me that I didn't understand. I buried those feelings, thinking I was a pervert or verbalizing my feelings could ruin my marriage. But then we had the "million doller" conversation (I'll have to address that in another post), but that's what put us on this path of exploring the LS. For my wife and I to understand each other, ourselves, and how to move forward. 

 

We are new to all this. Being able to openly share and receive advice here has been very much appreciated. 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

I can't speak to whether playing alone first is common or not. Though, I doubt it is. For my wife and I, we played together for some time before solo dates began happening.

 

I think that what underpins this is the strength of your relationship. If you're 100% open with each other, have a deeply close love for each other and are very much interested in the happiness of each other, this could work well.

 

That said, even though I have that in spades with my wife, the first time she went on a solo date I was a jittery mess. I was absolutely nervous as hell the entire evening. Most people note that swinging is a shared experience. Some couples refuse to do solo dates for this very reason. But, solo dates can work. For us, the "reclaiming sex" when she comes home is rather intense, as we make love while she tells me what she did with the other man. I would suggest that if your wife isn't willing to be completely open with her experiences having sex with another man (and you can discuss this beforehand), then the two of you might not be ready for it yet. I know some people would find it very hard to accept their spouse having sex with someone else, have their spouse come home, and then be left in the dark about what happened. I wouldn't accept it. Swinging IS a shared experience, and if I can't relish in the telling the events of her evening I would feel distinctly left out. That way leads to damage to the relationship. Either you're open, or you're not. If you're not, swinging is a recipe for disaster.

 

Nowadays, my wife going on a solo date is not unusual. She has had a couple of regular boyfriends over the years, and going out with them was hardly unusual. She'd always share with me where she was going to be, and share the details when she got home. It works well for us. Part of it is that through these years we've had a couple of kids at home (they're almost at the point of leaving now), and the reality is that getting time for both of us to get away has often been difficult to do. My wife also enjoys playing solo for the same reason your wife seems to have; it is a different experience to be able to focus solely on the guy than to have some of her focus diverted to me.

 

 

[twohots4u2 188]

I have always felt that swinging together makes it a shared experience that is good for the marriage while swinging alone can easily lead to romantic relationships that can destroy the marriage.  When you and your wife have an MFM the guest guy knows (or should know) that he is there for the entertainment of your wife and you, and that is all.  When he is with your wife alone that is like a date and his natural role is to romance her in addition to pleasing her sexually.

[J&Wu 411]

We enjoy social activity together and had our original club experiences as a couple although in recent years Wu has cut me loose on my own for the party. I'm glad we started together and still can both socialize with club members away from the sex party.

[EastInWest 1,524]

On 4/24/2021 at 4:53 PM, bbarnsworth said:

I can't speak to whether playing alone first is common or not. Though, I doubt it is. For my wife and I, we played together for some time before solo dates began happening.

 

I think that what underpins this is the strength of your relationship. If you're 100% open with each other, have a deeply close love for each other and are very much interested in the happiness of each other, this could work well.

 

That said, even though I have that in spades with my wife, the first time she went on a solo date I was a jittery mess. I was absolutely nervous as hell the entire evening. Most people note that swinging is a shared experience. Some couples refuse to do solo dates for this very reason. But, solo dates can work. For us, the "reclaiming sex" when she comes home is rather intense, as we make love while she tells me what she did with the other man. I would suggest that if your wife isn't willing to be completely open with her experiences having sex with another man (and you can discuss this beforehand), then the two of you might not be ready for it yet. I know some people would find it very hard to accept their spouse having sex with someone else, have their spouse come home, and then be left in the dark about what happened.

 

I think these are all good points. If playing separately had been a criteria, we probably would have never started, but that is just us.

 

As we acquired a little more emotional experience with this, we had some events in which we realized playing separately might come up, and had some long discussions about rules for that: what needed to be discussed first, what should not happen after, and what we needed to discuss after. Being in the dark with each other is a non-starter. If we weren't fully excited to talk about it, we shouldn't be doing it.

 

Strong and open communication is vital no matter how you structure it, and understanding why she'd feel distracted with you present is perhaps a good starting point: not because it's a bad idea, but perhaps if there's some mistrust or doubt you need to talk through before you do whatever it is you're going to do.

 

In practice, we've only applied our "solo hard play" rules once each, her for an FMF and me for an attached woman who wanted a bull. We followed our rules rigidly and, frankly, she went above and beyond to communicate before, during, and after. Jittery, yes, but it made for a lot of trust and good memories. 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

Keep in mind that "playing separate" can range from a separate bed or room with people you both know and trust to a solo date with a brand new partner that in the extreme one of you has never met.

So when a couple says they enjoy "separate play" it's best to ask what exactly that means to them...

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

FYI: Playing separate like this has it's own name: a Hot Wife

[spicylife42 31]

On 4/23/2021 at 9:01 AM, kc081878 said:

So we are sharing with each other our answers from a Lifestyle  "would you rather?" quiz.

 

For her first Hotwife experience (as was the question) , she said she would prefer to play alone vs a MFM. She said she didn't think she could be in the moment wondering what I would be thinking or that she would need to perform for me. 

 

In my mind I would want to see every facet of her pleasure. All the new and different ways her body would respond. 

 

Silly of me to automatically assume that she would prefer the same as my fantasy. Still, I'm greatful for her transparency. 

 

For me it brought up more feelings to consider and reconcile. The idea of her playing alone is a bit arousing, but I feel I'd be missing out. Yet, I want her to fully explore and enjoy her fantasies. 

 

We have made good strides to more openly share and discuss our lifestyle fantasies. 

 

I appreciate your feedback, experiences and advice moving forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmmm, we enjoyed everything in the beginning together.  That’s really the idea in the beginning I think.  Playing solo for us came later when a gentleman we had played with many times asked to see me alone.  By then the hubs and I were both comfortable with him.  80% of the time we played together 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,423]

To each their own, but for me it is almost as exciting for my wife to play with another man alone as it is together. You have to experience it to really understand but for me there is a greater psychological intensity when she plays alone, 1 on 1 with another man.

[adamgunn 1,461]

2 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

To each their own, but for me it is almost as exciting for my wife to play with another man alone as it is together. You have to experience it to really understand but for me there is a greater psychological intensity when she plays alone, 1 on 1 with another man.

There are lots of flavors to the lifestyle. We participate in foursomes, gentle orgies, MFMs and from time to time she will solo.

 

Each of them seems different to me emotionally. Speaking explicitly of hotwife activities, I'm extremely turned on when I'm there, watching her with another man. When she goes to another man's house, I'm thinking about her but not quite so aroused. But when she texts me with the message, 'wer'e done, I'm coming home,' my mind takes that as a signal that she's been screwed and I get tremendously hard waiting for her to get home.

 

Not disagreeing, just giving another perspective.