What conversations/events made you start exploring the lifestyle?

[kc081878 12]

For us, it's when I asked my wife what would you do for a million dollars. "Would you lick a dollar bill, eat rotten eggs type questions." All with "that's so gross, but I guess I would" type answers. Then I said, "Would you have sex with a stranger?" Without hesitation and with conviction she said "Yes, no question." She said it's because she has a finance degree, it would be purely for monitary gain. I jokingly said sure, "all except for another guy's cock being inside you."

 

In context, we each had only one sex partner before getting married. So for my Christian brain, the ease of her answering that question, rocked me like I never imagined. After much silence, I blirted out "I can't believe how much that turns me on!"  She said, "excuse me, are you serious?" I explained that I didn't understand it, but other events/feelings I had over the years started to make sense. 

 

When she answered in such a matter of fact way, I felt this rush of electric excitement and jealousy start in my face and wash over me. Then all these memories came to mind...

 

*We were 19 at a bar when we had gotten in an argument so she went to a few guys at the bar and started to talk and laugh to make me jealous. I felt the same wave of electricity. I was so confused, I wasn't even angry. 

 

*At 21, just after getting engaged we said if we get married we have to tell all our secrets. Hers was, when we just started dating, she had sex with her ex the day before fucking me. Again, same feelings. Well actually stronger because she actually did something. 

 

*This one really triggered me. In our late 20's, I bought a huge dildo. Like Shane Desil big. With toys, my wife says, "I don't want to see them, just get me really worked up and then use them on me," (Anyone want to unpack that psychology for me, please do.)

So she took all 9" with it's almost Coke can girth with ease. Her body moved in ways I'd never seen. After a violent orgasm, she said she wanted to feel me. Her pussy felt so different, amazing, and the rush, then the animalistic surge we had for each other... So intense, like never before.

 

*We were in a booth flirting with each other and I dared her to go flirt with a guy at the bar. She said, "Do you really want me to? I will." She got up to go talk to the guy. Again, that flood of electricity went through me. My wife got half way to the guy, but she saw our drinks were served so she came back to the table. 

 

So yes, that "Million dollar question" seems to have put us on a path of better communication, better understanding. Needless to say, we may have some adventures ahead.

 

So how did you guys start? How did you take your next step. How did you reconcile your traditions, religion, feelings of jealousy, fear, melded with lust and excitement. 

 

I'm sure I'm reinventing the wheel by asking these questions and some folks have already helpedin their responses to my other posts. Thank you for sharing your experiences and kindly reading mine. I've learned so much from you guys already.

 

Edited April 24, 2021 by kc081878

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

1 hour ago, kc081878 said:

For us, it's when I asked my wife what would you do for a million dollars. "Would you lick a dollar bill, eat rotten eggs type questions." All with "that's so gross, but I guess I would" type answers. Then I said, "Would you have sex with a stranger?" Without hesitation and with conviction she said "Yes, no question." She said it's because she has a finance degree, it would be purely for monitary gain. I jokingly said sure, "all except for another guy's cock being inside you."

 

In context, we each had only one sex partner before getting married. So for my Christian brain, the ease of her answering that question, rocked me like I never imagined. After much silence, I blirted out "I can't believe how much that turns me on!"  She said, "excuse me, are you serious?" I explained that I didn't understand it, but other events/feelings I had over the years started to make sense. 

 

....

 

So how did you guys start? How did you take your next step. How did you reconcile your traditions, religion, feelings of jealousy, fear, melded with lust and excitement. 

 

I'm sure I'm reinventing the wheel by asking these questions and some folks have already helpedin their responses to my other posts. Thank you for sharing your experiences and kindly reading mine. I've learned so much from you guys already.

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences leading up to this! It's a great read!

 

On not being able to understand why the idea of your wife having sex with someone else turns you on; I've had the same 'problem'. My wife and I first got into swinging 13 years ago. I too get very excited about my wife having sex with other men. I did at the beginning and I still do to this day. I can't explain it either. I actively tried for a few years to try to untangle my own psychology behind that, and couldn't. I just couldn't figure it out. I eventually concluded that I never would figure it out. I just gave up trying to do so. I love my wife having sex with other men. I love watching her do so, I love her going off on solo dates and coming back and telling me about it. I love her calling me from a hotel room telling me she's about to jump in bed with another man. I love having threesomes with her and getting to have sex with her right after another man has cum inside of her. I don't suggest you give up trying to puzzle this out, but sharing my experience that I did give up after a lot of effort. I embrace that I love it.

 

All of our upbringing (and I was raised Christian as well) teaches us this is wrong. It's against morals, against expectations of a stable, happy marriage. It's got to be cheating, right? It's got to be adultery, right? I don't view it as adultery. This was a hard bridge for me to cross. Part of it is that the way the Bible lays out adultery, it's far more of a sin for a woman than it is for a man. Women in this case are possessions that are being spoiled; that's what adultery means literally. I don't like the inequality of this. So, you could say, "Ok, so it's a sin equally for both". That's a potentially valid response. For me, the next step in that was looking at sin and the impacts of it. So, what...precisely...is the negative from having sex with people other than your spouse if your spouse knows and consents? Where is the victim? There isn't one. Nobody is being harmed. If your relationship is strong, deeply communicative, and stable, there's a very high chance your relationship will be enhanced by swinging, and not hurt. So, the two of you aren't victimized by your own actions. If you are careful to play with couples in a similar situation or singles who are truly single, then likewise there is no harm being committed. If there is no harm, then where is the sin? I could talk for a while about this. Feel free to hit me up in private messages here if you like. The short of it, in the long run, is that swinging hasn't ever harmed us nor to our knowledge any of those with whom we have played. It also has had a wonderful, positive impact on our relationship and our lives.

 

Ok so what started it for us? Before I met my wife I had dabbled in swinging/polyamory. An old girlfriend of mine, my best friend at the time, and I had one rather fun evening where my best friend and I ended up masturbating over my naked girlfriend. No touching ever happened between my best friend and my girlfriend, but I relished the idea of that happening. It was never repeated, though I wish it had been. Years later, I dated and slept with a married woman who was in an open marriage and who had the permission of her husband. I knew her husband as well, and were always friendly. That didn't last all that long, but again it was a window into a different way of living. Fast forward to dating my wife, and in the telling of our past relationships I shared those events with her. She stated very unequivocally that this was of no interest to her, and felt that the married woman had cheated on her husband, even though I had explained that no cheating had happened as he was in the know and approved. She felt very right/wrong about this, with no middle ground. That was ok with me; I wasn't interested in having an open relationship with my wife. I was just sharing my past. Fast forward to us being married six years; at this point I would have bet a million bucks that she would never, ever consider an open marriage even for a second. Now, she loves massage. I mean really loves massage. She describes massage as "almost as good as sex". I've joked before that she needs Hans and Franz as full time masseurs for her. Out of the blue, she says something along the lines of that having two men to massage her at once would be quite enjoyable. This was the catalyst that started the ball rolling. I couldn't believe she'd said that. We spent the better part of a year talking about bring other men into our lives, other women, etc. We must have had a zillion conversations, and answered and re-answered many questions. It wasn't just bedroom talk. It was heart to heart talks about our marriage, our relationship, our emotions, our sex life, etc. The opening of communication was wonderful, and we've maintained that. We finally decided to dip our toes, and had soft swap with another couple. We both very much enjoyed it, and enjoyed each other being with other people.

 

Jealousy was never a factor. I think part of that is that we were in our 30s when we first started dabbling. We were mature enough, close enough, and open enough that jealousy never came up. We're intentionally close. The idea that another person could somehow interfere with that was incomprehensible. We enjoy each other having fun in all things, and support each other in our endeavors. Ok, having sex with others is a rather non-traditional thing for a spouse to do but if it makes us happy and enhances our relationship? Why not?

 

Don't worry about reinventing the wheel. You're not. This is new for you. This board was immensely helpful to my wife and I when we got started in this. It would have taken a lot longer for us to get into swinging without it. In fact, we might never have done so, not being able to answer our questions without it. Ask away! We're a helpful bunch.

 

 

 

 

[kc081878 12]

bbarnsworth,

 

Thank you for sharing. I very much appreciated the read. I laughed out loud when you mentioned massages. My wife is the same with massages as they are her Kryptonite for sure. We were in Barcelona before we had really started talking about lifestyle stuff. She was near agreeing to getting an erotic massage. One where the husband and masseur massage the wife(to orgasm if requested) However, we both got cold feet. 

 

- " It wasn't just bedroom talk. It was heart to heart talks about our marriage, our relationship, our emotions, our sex life, etc. The opening of communication was wonderful, and we've maintained that." 

 

I feel like we are starting to scratch the surface of having more of those conversations. It's been really nice to start unpacking this stuff. 

 

Thanks again!

[EastInWest 1,524]

When we started seeing each other, we'd been "coffee friends" for a while. We were attracted to each other but she was very unsure about casual sex. We got comfortable sharing about our sex lives early on and when we eventually started fucking, both knew we were also seeing other people.

 

So we had a comfort zone around that already, but it took a few years of exclusivity before I brought up the idea during sex that I'd like to watch her give head. It took a few days for her to bring it up again on her own, that maybe she could be into that, and then a couple years of dancing around it before we moved forward.

 

I do remember a lot of those "would you"/"could you"/"have you" conversations exploring what we might try together. 

 

On 4/24/2021 at 6:11 PM, kc081878 said:

We were in Barcelona before we had really started talking about lifestyle stuff. She was near agreeing to getting an erotic massage. One where the husband and masseur massage the wife(to orgasm if requested) However, we both got cold feet.

We were going to go to a place like this in Paris that caters to both men and women, her idea, but she also got cold feet.

[couplers 4,614]

"What conversations/events made you start exploring the lifestyle?"

 

After reading the replies to the original posts, I had to go back and see what the original question was again.  For me/us, it wasn't what made us explore the lifestyle of nonmonogamy as a married couple, but how it made us into an extended family.  I had broken off my engagement and moved out of the apartment with Red but continued the emotion and physical relationship with him, while having met, fell in love, and started having sex with David.  I told Red everything as it unfolded with David, he was happy to still have me.  I told David about having an ex, but not the continuing relationship - he figured that out on his own and casually confronted me saying that it was all right, not just the past but the present and into the future.

 

It's not that unusual for a person to have two sex partners or even emotional partners going during the transition in relationships, but to be told that it was ok by both men, made me feel loved, appreciated and powerful all at once.  I knew that this was the direction that I wanted my life to go.

 

BTW, I am still with these two men, having married David and Red living with us and adding Clair and Lora to the family, and having children among us.

Edited April 30, 2021 by couplers