Waning interest

[penny4ur 2]

Hello everyone, I need some advice that I'm sure is a regular question for most of you:

 

We're a couple in our early 50s, and have been married for 18 years. We're best friends and have a solid relationship with great communication. Close to 9 years ago I, the husband, brought up the topic of swinging. My wife gave it some thought and eventually decided that it wasn't for her. At the time our sex life was great and I was completely ok with that, and we continued on our merry way. There were times over the years when it was brought up as pillow talk, with the understanding that it was only pillow talk and not leading to anything, which I thought was super fun and sexy. Over the past 3 years, her interest in sex has seriously declined, while mine has ratcheted up. I tried to bring up swinging during our pillow talk about 2 years ago, and she didn't even entertain the idea, and in fact kinda shut down about it. That was the last time I've talked about it. We have a very open line of communication in our relationship, and we've talked about her lack of interest, and for her it's sort of an age/been there done that thing - which I completely understand. We're still somewhat active, though we're down to 1-2x. per week due to busy schedules, and all around tiredness (getting old sucks!) and tbh it's become quite routine and somewhat boring for both of us.

 

Which brings me to where I need the advice.

 

I'm not looking to "convince" her, or sell her on anything she doesn't want to do, and of course I would never force her into anything she's uncomfortable with, but it seems to me that this is a good time to bring up the idea of swinging again - inject some new life into what she feels is something not so exciting.

 

I'm curious whether the lifestyle has done this for other couples, and whether anyone else experienced that same type of decline in interest in sex. Everything I've read says that you can't "fix" a relationship with swinging - but we're not looking to fix anything outside of the bedroom. We always have been super close, a perfect couple and have an amazing life together. There's nothing to fix other than what has become a stale and routine sex life.

 

What are you experiences, and how has the lifestyle affected your relationship?

 

Is it a good way to spice up our sex life, or should I just be content with more "age appropriate activities?" 

 

Also, are we starting to get too old for this? Obviously there are couples our age and older, but I'm assuming most of those in the lifestyle are a bit younger.

 

Thank you for any advice you have.

[adamgunn 1,461]

If she's uninterested in sex with you, her husband, and she doesn't seem interested in talking about swinging, no, I doubt swinging is for you guys, at least at this moment. You're way not too old for this, there's plenty of couples in it or just experimenting at your age.

 

Now, why is your wife uninterested in sex? 

First, it could be hormones. She should talk with her doctor.

Second, you mention sex is boring. Okay, make it interesting. I suggest the book '101 nights of great sex' by Laura Corn, it's available on Amazon.

 

Best of luck.

[njbm 2,901]

Menopause can be an inhibitor. Lack of lubrication, hormonal caused disinterest, other factors are depressing. 
 

She should discuss it with her doctors. There are some hormonal replacement treatments that used to be common, but are currently frowned upon. There are other solutions. 
 

Having sex 1-2X per week is probably above average for your age. We are older. 
 

My wife went for swinging about ten years after I brought it up. But your wife seems pretty uninterested. 

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

It kinda, sorta, just saying, in a way, that you are looking for more ways to convince your wife.

 

Hey, there's a million things you can have in this world and a million things you cannot.  She's pretty much explained herself and you seem to keep thinking that if you just can adjust one or two variables that the lock that is her disinterest will open to the possibility.

 

Truly sorry, yet it won't.

 

As people will explain, Swinging can be a lot of fun in a strong and communicative marriage. To one that is less so it will highlight every flaw and place it under a microscope. The result will be feelings of contempt for the other or questioning whether they can make good choices. Or both.

 

If sex has become boring, perhaps some introspection instead of accusation is needed. There's an old Persian saying,"It's not the man who can make love to one thousand different women. It's the man who can make love to the same woman a thousand different ways.

 

Sex is really powerful. When people dismiss that power things go badly. Very badly. It's been said that it's called 'no strings attached' sex because it's been made into a 'web'.

 

Good fortune to you, yet this really isn't for you, because it isn't for her. 

 

Katrina

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

You talked about swinging and she said no. Years later, you brought it up again and she said no. Now you haven't talked about it for over two years and her interest in sex is lessening and you wonder if you should talk about it again. I think you already know the answer. In addition to the above mentioned reasons, some people just aren't 'wired' for swinging. Sure, you can talk to her about swinging one more time, but don't be surprised when the answer is no again. In fact, I would be even more cautious if the answer was yes this time. Sometimes a woman will say yes just to satisfy their partner and get them to stop asking while they have no real interest in swinging (which is even a worse outcome and warning sign for the relationship). Just accept her answer and try to come up with other ideas to bring a spark back to the relationship. Continuing on this path is a dead end...

[lcmim 1,086]

We went through something similar when menopause struck.

From my experience:

 

First you should go into full press courting mode. She needs to internalize that she was, is, and will be the love of your life regardless. Shelve your sex drive for a bit, it is not easy but it can be done.

 

Second, after her confidence is high she should see the doctor and confirm change of life or other issues. I say after her confidence is high, because in our case my brides self image was taking a beating as she wondered what was wrong with her. Doctors visits, especially over sex things, can be intimidating for everyone. Guys sometimes have to screw up their courage to confront ED .

 

If it is a medical issue of any sort, almost 100% of the time it will either pass or be successfully treated.

 

AFTER that think about the sex life either between you or others. You need to be on solid footing either way.

Edited May 3, 2021 by lcmim

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

1 hour ago, lcmim said:

She needs to internalize that she was, is, and will be the love of your life regardless.

I submit that every man in a successful marriage to a lady knows how important that internalization is. It goes for vanilla, LS, and every other marriage type. 

 

The reason that this is so important in the LS is that monogamy is commonly  perceived to be--or actually tries to be--a fence that contains--and thus prevents --that "love of your life" status from escaping the marriage. The symbolism of taking down the fence is probably more important than whatever effectiveness the fence had in the first place. It is that truth--that the pairing is more meaningful than any physical act or pleasurable experience--that sustain the LS and those in it.