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My husband and I had our first full swap...well, I ended up getting to and he didn’t. I made several mistakes that turned what could have been a really fun night into one we’re both having a hard time processing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

We were same room with a couple we both liked. I suggested trying full swap (first mistake-we had said that we wouldn’t change rules in middle of play). I had been very unsure about doing full swap in previous discussions, but my husband was open to it because he felt like vaginal sex was the same to him as oral in the situation. So I decided the only way I’d know how I felt is if I tried it. 


We did not stop and talk in detail about how we felt (second mistake), and moved forward with full swap. My husband was having some issues with getting hard, so I came over and helped a few times, and I thought he was ok. He wasn’t.(3rd mistake). The biggest mistake of all is that I finished my full swap when he didn’t get to have one. I got caught up in the moment, and I wasn’t there for him like I should have been. I know I was in the wrong and accept full responsibility for my actions. 
 

Both of us have been struggling with processing the events of what happened. We both want to work through it, but we have no clue how to. We’ve been together for almost 17 years, and we were in such a great place before this happened. Please help! 

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I think these things are all part of the bargain which is why open minds and accepting attitudes are so important.  Please don't beat yourself up over getting a little lost in the moment because that's part of the joy of swinging.  Assuming you both knew what you were getting into then it's unfair for one of you to hold anything against the other.

 

Having ED under pressure of his first FS is actually quite normal.  To quote George from Seinfeld, "sometimes a guy feels it would be easier to bend a spoon with his mind than get an erection".  Normal newbie jitters.  The mixed emotions part is also normal.

 

We have watched a few episodes of Playboy TV's "Swing" and on that show the 'new' couple has to sign a contract that basically says "All the normal rules of a normal monogamous relationship are temporarily set aside and we give each other permission to explore and engage is sexual relationships with other partners.... something about no judgement and no animosity etc.". 

 

From what you describe I don't think anybody did anything wrong.  Assure each other that no matter what happens in the Lifestyle you love each other and are there for each other.  Then take a short breather and try again.

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Agree with Hunterdon. A guy having erectile problems in a swap is commonplace. When it has happened to me, the women have been helpful and understanding. I am sure they see it all the time. 
 

Some things of help: ED medication, separate rooms from your spouse if you are super trusting and comfortable with the other couple, just receive oral and finish that way if possible. 
 

Sometimes, it just doesn’t work and the more you think about, the more it won’t work. 
 

I don’t see where anyone did anything wrong. These things happen. As one woman said to me, “We’re not porn stars.”

Edited by njbm
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Concur with above. Ok, some mistakes were made, but I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. Take a deep breath, love each other, cuddle, talk, and be together. You'll be ok.

 

Yes, it is very common for a guy to not get hard the first time playing. I'd never had problem one before our first play (a soft swap), but had problems anyway. It had nothing to do with the other couple. We got to play with them again some time later, and Mr. Happy was quite willing to cooperate. First time jitters, that's all. If it's the first time for your husband to have encountered this, it can be a bit unnerving., But, it's entirely normal, and nothing to worry or feel ashamed about.

 

When you're ready to play again, be clear about your expectations and rules going in next time, and be clear that you're not going to change them during play.

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Previous folks are correct about performance issues for men. It happens ALL the time. Really.

 

I remember how excited, nervous and giddy we were our first time. it was certainly an A ticket ride. So many taboo thoughts, sensory overload etc. We are bound to make mistakes in that situation. We sure did.

 

I think it helps a lot to remember that you two are a team. Your have a 17 year track record where you trusted each other enough to actually have sex with another couple.  No little party mistake should or could derail that. Really.

 

Discuss what didn't work. But do so from afar. Like put the bad shit in a box and pretend to look inside and see, oh that's the shit we didn't like. Oh well, never going there again. Then close the box and put it out with the trash. Learn fro the mistakes, but don't let them rule your life.

 

Then look each other straight in the eyes and talk about what worked, the excitement you shared, how you felt about each other, how you love each other. Hug, kiss have sex. Deepen your love and your commitment to EACH other.

 

Now the next time you venture out, you'll have more experience and you probably won't make the same mistake.

 

 

 

 

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Yup it sucks the mind is willing but the body.... I blame a lot on sensory overload. After all it really IS mind blowing.  I would be lost without daddy's little helper pills.  With a Rx they cost about $12 for generic Viagra. 

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On 5/5/2021 at 8:04 PM, Idahocouple6969 said:

Yup it sucks the mind is willing but the body.... I blame a lot on sensory overload. After all it really IS mind blowing.  I would be lost without daddy's little helper pills.  With a Rx they cost about $12 for generic Viagra. 

 

I call Viagra the insurance policy. On quite a few occasions, I rose to the event and the other husband did not. Viagra is the difference maker. It should only be taken if needed and medically prescribed, not recreationally. But I can go two rounds for the first time since I was young. 

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The first FS can have all sorts of emotional overlay, especially if monogamy has been especially symbolic of marriage. Jitters, angst, remorse, all of that can play into the moment.

 

Here's the thing: you are now past the first time. This is not so different than the first time you had sex with a partner. You probably wanted it to be "perfect". It probably wasn't. At this point you don't remember it all that clearly.

 

Here's the other thing. Sex with your spouse isn't always perfect either. But it's still fun and feels great, and you still connect. And for those times that it is truly great--both in the mood, hot, and taking each other to that next level before collapsing in a pool of sweat and fluids and tingling all over--all of the other "not quite perfect" times fade in memory. 

 

One last consideration. You know your spouse well enough to communicate to the other lady what especially turns him on and blows his mind. 

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It happens.  I've seen guys in their 20s lose their erections.  I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.  In my opinion the best way to come back from it is to try it all over again.

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We actually DON'T AGREE with some of the things said above. Sure, mistakes were made, but to just dismiss them as mistakes is another mistake. You have already pointed out what the mistakes were, but they need to be returned to. Let your partner know that you are sorry for breaking the rules and that you won't ever do it again (and stick to that). You should never change the rules when you are in a sexual situation. If you find that a rule no longer applies or that you are ready to set it aside, it should be done outside of a sexual situation and only if you both agree on the change. You should also make sure by checking in with him...and this can just be something as simple as a look and a nod, and make sure that he is okay with everything that is happening...even if you are veteran swingers and have been with 100s of couples. Always check in with your partner. If either of you are having a problem, be it emotional or physical, call a time out and take a break to find out what is happening. You are a team and should always play as a team.

 

As for the ED, and this has already been pointed out several times, this is entirely normal...but that isn't going to help him knowing that. All he knows is that he was having problems and he doesn't understand why. Dwelling on the problem is only going to make it worse for him. I'm SURE that he is embarrassed and confused about this happening, but sometimes...especially when you are just starting out, it will happen. Luckily there is a pill for this, but you need to work with him so he knows in the future if it happens again (and it may) that you are there to help and support him and if he can't perform, you need to take a break or maybe even postpone things until the next time. Most all couples will understand this. Really!

 

Biggest thing here is you need to reestablish the trust you two have and he needs to know that everything was okay and that you love him completely and won't ever break the rules again.

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On 5/5/2021 at 1:00 PM, Fit&FriskyCpl88 said:

Both of us have been struggling with processing the events of what happened. We both want to work through it, but we have no clue how to. We’ve been together for almost 17 years, and we were in such a great place before this happened. Please help! 

So, you say you're having a hard time processing what happened. What does that mean, to the two of you?

 

Clearly, this is a problem for you both and you need to work through it. You know that. You said it. You've been together 17 years, so you've been through some tough spots before and worked through those. This is just another tough spot. Difficult as it may sound, set the sex thing aside for a moment and thing about how you've worked through other difficult problems in your relationship in the past. I'm going to guess that trust, love and honest communication played a big part then, and they will again here.

 

You need to confront what is really bothering you (it sounds like you're carrying a lot of guilt for having a good time when he didn't) and talk about what is really bothering him (and only he knows that). I suggest you sit down and talk it through... it isn't about blame or anyone being wrong, it isn't about weakness or failure... it's about trust, honesty and communication. Those are the wounds I suggest you need to heal.

 

My $.02, take them for what they're worth.

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We have a rule as well that says: Once is a mistake, twice is an 'on purpose'...because you didn't learn anything from the first mistake and made no changes to prevent it from happening again. We will add your rule to ours (it was implied, but now will become part of the rule), but we still believe that when you make a mistake, you need to try and prevent the same thing from happening again.

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On 5/5/2021 at 1:00 PM, Fit&FriskyCpl88 said:

Both of us have been struggling with processing the events of what happened. We both want to work through it, but we have no clue how to. We’ve been together for almost 17 years, and we were in such a great place before this happened. Please help! 

 

Any news on how you two are doing?  Have you had your reconnection?  Tried again with the same couple or another?  Given up on the whole thing?

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As a guy who is old enough that a hard on is never a guarantee, this is for the OP's husband... 

 

I feel ya buddy. I really do. The first time I got stage fright I was still in my 20s, and it was absolutely crushing. But, that was a long time ago and I've both matured and had enough experience that I can now offer you what I needed to hear back then.  

 

Your cock is not your ally or teammate. He's an annoying neighbor, who just happens to throw the best parties. He will never cooperate or listen to reason. 

 

But, he's also an idiot and relatively easy to manipulate. All the usual stuff like good general health, plenty of water, and possibly medication are great prep ahead of time. But in the heat of the moment, what do you do? 


My answer is to simply quit trying. I don't mean to give up the mission, but to physically stop for a bit. Play with your partner, cuddle, kiss, watch your wife having fun. Just take the pressure off by intentionally doing something else. When the stress subsides, your cock will rise. I promise, it will. There have been nights that for no reason at all, I've had to take multiple breaks. No biggie. As long as you're a considerate lover, your partner will enjoy the extra attention and when you're hard again, she'll enjoy that too.  

 

I know it's hard to be ok with in the moment. But please, trust a guy who has learned the hard way (pun intended). The best sex is relaxed sex. Practice it, and you'll be ok. 

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From the beginning of my adventure into nonmonogamy, my husband was clear that he wasn't keeping score and that things didn't have to be even - he let me have a boyfriend for two years, my ex-fiancé, until I was comfortable with him being with other women.  He taught me generosity and unselfishness in sexual matters, something I have learned and paid him back, all the while taking satisfaction in his pleasure.  So don't worry about any single time being even, just give him as much opportunity as you can.

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On 5/5/2021 at 1:27 PM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

I think these things are all part of the bargain which is why open minds and accepting attitudes are so important.  Please don't beat yourself up over getting a little lost in the moment because that's part of the joy of swinging.  Assuming you both knew what you were getting into then it's unfair for one of you to hold anything against the other.

 

Having ED under pressure of his first FS is actually quite normal.  To quote George from Seinfeld, "sometimes a guy feels it would be easier to bend a spoon with his mind than get an erection".  Normal newbie jitters.  The mixed emotions part is also normal.

 

We have watched a few episodes of Playboy TV's "Swing" and on that show the 'new' couple has to sign a contract that basically says "All the normal rules of a normal monogamous relationship are temporarily set aside and we give each other permission to explore and engage is sexual relationships with other partners.... something about no judgement and no animosity etc.". 

 

From what you describe I don't think anybody did anything wrong.  Assure each other that no matter what happens in the Lifestyle you love each other and are there for each other.  Then take a short breather and try again.

Badgers wife,

 

But that’s not what she said, she said that she except the fact that I’m three separate occasions she made series mistakes that ended up hurting her husband. And you were saying that all three mistakes should be nothing to worry about. If I’m reading what you saying is correct.

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On 5/5/2021 at 1:00 PM, Fit&FriskyCpl88 said:

My husband and I had our first full swap...well, I ended up getting to and he didn’t. I made several mistakes that turned what could have been a really fun night into one we’re both having a hard time processing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

We were same room with a couple we both liked. I suggested trying full swap (first mistake-we had said that we wouldn’t change rules in middle of play). I had been very unsure about doing full swap in previous discussions, but my husband was open to it because he felt like vaginal sex was the same to him as oral in the situation. So I decided the only way I’d know how I felt is if I tried it. 


We did not stop and talk in detail about how we felt (second mistake), and moved forward with full swap. My husband was having some issues with getting hard, so I came over and helped a few times, and I thought he was ok. He wasn’t.(3rd mistake). The biggest mistake of all is that I finished my full swap when he didn’t get to have one. I got caught up in the moment, and I wasn’t there for him like I should have been. I know I was in the wrong and accept full responsibility for my actions. 
 

Both of us have been struggling with processing the events of what happened. We both want to work through it, but we have no clue how to. We’ve been together for almost 17 years, and we were in such a great place before this happened. Please help! 

Badgers wife,

 

Only question I have is why you did not stop when you saw your husband having problems? Why did you not say OK this is not going to happen for the both of us so let’s just stop and regroup and if he cannot recover then let’s put an end to this tonight. The fact that you continued even though you knew your husband was having problems, I don’t think the sexual pleasure would have overcome you so much that you forgot that your husband was in a bad place. I could be wrong in my thinking, but if I saw my husband in a bad place and not working out for him, I’m not sure I would be able to lose myself and enjoy myself and continue on and then worry about My husband later after I am done and pleased. Like so many on here have said, it is a team sport, and I don’t see this being much of a team if you continue to get your groove on and then worry about your husband later.

 

If anybody sees what I’m saying is wrong please respond because I’ll be more happy to hear what you have to say.

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Yes the OP made some mistakes. Serious ones? probably not, but just how serious is a function of their couples psychology.

 

 She realizes things could/should have been handled differently.

Everyone is entitled to a learning curve.

 

 In our case in the times that I have had some sort of situation, my wife sometimes asked "what's up?" other times she either missed it or knew what it was.

If I answer I am okay , she accepts that. If she sees anything she can do, when she does know ,she MIGHT do something then.

 

The MIGHT come in , in that she knows that stopping play would direct  everyone's attention and she knows that I would hate that. She may mix the play up a bit to distract me though.

 

What always happens , is that we end up in each others arms eventually and if there is any relief needed by either, or both, of us it is well taken care of by the time that we are through.

Edited by lcmim

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On 9/5/2021 at 10:22 AM, TnA83 said:

 

Any news on how you two are doing?  Have you had your reconnection?  Tried again with the same couple or another?  Given up on the whole thing?

 

Only one post.  They have left the building.

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On 5/5/2021 at 1:00 PM, Fit&FriskyCpl88 said:

My husband and I had our first full swap...well, I ended up getting to and he didn’t. I made several mistakes that turned what could have been a really fun night into one we’re both having a hard time processing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 

We were same room with a couple we both liked. I suggested trying full swap (first mistake-we had said that we wouldn’t change rules in middle of play). I had been very unsure about doing full swap in previous discussions, but my husband was open to it because he felt like vaginal sex was the same to him as oral in the situation. So I decided the only way I’d know how I felt is if I tried it. 


We did not stop and talk in detail about how we felt (second mistake), and moved forward with full swap. My husband was having some issues with getting hard, so I came over and helped a few times, and I thought he was ok. He wasn’t.(3rd mistake). The biggest mistake of all is that I finished my full swap when he didn’t get to have one. I got caught up in the moment, and I wasn’t there for him like I should have been. I know I was in the wrong and accept full responsibility for my actions. 
 

Both of us have been struggling with processing the events of what happened. We both want to work through it, but we have no clue how to. We’ve been together for almost 17 years, and we were in such a great place before this happened. Please help! 

Alright, since this is POST GAME here is where our suggestions are

 

We all come up with rules, that as you go further into the lifestyle get either broken or flat out taken off the table.. Soft swap, is fine if you arent ready to go all the way.. but the problem then becomes stopping everything to have a convo, when such a change should have been discussed as a possibility long before taking your shoes off

 

The other issue, just from reading your post is, if one or the other isnt into the other play partner, why are you doing it? Swinging, is a great activity but its also like dating, where 4 people have to have some attraction for the bio chemical reaction to happen down below.. If your husband was fine with everything up until fucking, the issue is what he wasnt into that caused him to lose wood.. If it was your choice to go full in the moment then he should have called a flag on the play and yes, stopped 

 

Since we are Post Game now, the other part of this is the convo you both should have had 20 minutes after you left the room that this happened in, what happened, why, and then talk some more.. Our first full swap happened over New Years eve, ages ago, where we all met at a hotel celebrated the new year, then started the new year with a bang so to speak.. in the morning when we left for the ride home, the moment we hit the car, we started talking.. She wasnt that into the other guy (way older), and He really wasnt that into the other woman (older and plus sized) but we had a good time ( it was sex, like pizza, even if its bad its still good )  it was a 45 minute ride home, and we talked the whole way, and after we sent the babysitter home for hours after..  We decided on new rules, and how we would do things, little signals for pre game and for during.

 

So as of this writing its months later, and feelings that were hurt may have healed a bit.. but the convo still has to happen.. if you are going to try again

 

To fuck or not to fuck that is the question

 

 

 

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On 2/23/2022 at 10:47 AM, realcplub2 said:

To fuck or not to fuck that is the question

 

How does that go in the original Klingon?

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