Husband Swinger History, wife not

[Daisie1! 0]

Sooo I knew my husband had a swinger history when we married... but going  into the marriage he said he had done everything he had wanted to .. experienced everything he wanted to... now he is wanting to go back into swinging for entertainment. Wanting me with another woman... I just can’t wrap my head around this because of my upbringing ... how do women do this and it be justified in their minds that it is ok... help!

Edited May 25, 2021 by Daisie1!
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[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Daisie, 

 

Welcome to the board. You'll get a variety of perspectives and responses. What matters most, though, is how you and your husband navigate your relationship.

 

Your post acknowledges that you knew of his history of non-monogamy. It's worth revisiting--first in your own mind and later with him at the kitchen table--what your expectations were around monogamy after marriage. 

 

You also allude to a fantasy of his--seeing you with another woman. Just because it is a fantasy of his does not obligate you in any way to fulfill that fantasy. Swinging is about consensual non-monogamy. If it's not consensual, it doesn't belong. 

 

Your last point is far more complicated. Essentially every person who is a swinger was raised in cultural context that defined certain sexual behaviors as acceptable or unacceptable. Swinging--or more inclusively, the lifestyle--requires only that the parties are capable of consenting, and do consent--to whatever activities are mutually agreed upon. No means no, maybe means no, ask me later means no,..., only yes means yes. That puts you in a position of absolute authority to pick and choose what you choose to do. It can be a bit scary. However, it does not require (your words) justification in mind, to oneself, or to anyone else. All that is required is that you acknowledge and articulate your (singular and plural) fantasies, discussion your intentions (or not) on realizing those fantasies, and establish boundaries that you (plural) can and will respect. Once again, that's a fairly scary proposition because of all of the social norms that say this is acceptable behavior, that is not. 

 

To be clear, the lifestyle commands respect. However you choose to express yourself as an individual, as a spouse, as a swinger--that yours to own. No one with judge you. No one will have more or less respect for you. Whatever inner judge you have saying that this or that behavior is or is not acceptable--recognize that inner judge for who she is, and what control she can.. and cannot...exert over you. Your "upbringing" ...your word...defines how your parents did (or maybe did not) live. You have a frame of reference from them, and you are surely grateful for it. But realize that the world does not operate in that frame of reference. You and your spouse get to make affirmative decisions about how you choose to live, and what happens inside your marriage is yours (plural) to own and yours (plural) alone. 

 

Good luck!

[njbm 2,868]

If you are not interested and you don’t want to swing, don’t. If playing with women is of no interest to you, don’t. Your husband knew he was marrying a non-swinger. But your upbringing has little to do with it. It is your voluntary interest and choice now. 

[Pklon 62]

Both Fundamental Law  and njbm are right, it your decisions about how you choose to live.

 

If it ok to ask, how long you two been married ? and when he told you about his past and you choose to accepted, it has it ever cross your mind that this day may came and that he might ask you to take part in it. I know you said that he told you he had done everything he had wanted to .. experienced everything he wanted to. but still I would hope that your have though of a plan when that day comes, when he might ask you to try it

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

The first question you need to answer is are you interested and willing to consider swinging with your husband? Not "are you willing to do this for him because he wants to" (also known as 'taking one for the team'). Does it interest and excite you? Some (most) people just aren't wired for swinging and if that includes you then nothing either of you can do will change that.

 

If the answer is no, then you are done at this point and need to let him know. As Fundamental Law has already pointed out: in swinging, no means no. If you say no, is he going to drop this idea and not hold it against you? In swinging, if one of you say no, then you BOTH say no (if he can't accept that, then you have much larger problems that need addressing). Swinging is a team sport but every decision must also be unanimous.

 

If the answer is yes, then the next question is do you trust him totally and completely? Is your relationship as strong as it could possibly be? Can you talk with him about anything and everything? If the answer is no, then work towards making your relationship as strong as possible. Successful swingers usually have an abundance of love, trust and communication. Swinging is not something that will fix problems in a relationship, in fact, it will magnify them. However, if you have a great relationship to start with, it will also magnify that as well. Swinging is the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae...if the sprinkles were not there, the sundae would still be great, but with them it makes it just a bit better.

 

Lets start with that and see what your answers are before we continue...

[Lionheart72 2,190]

18 hours ago, Daisie1! said:

I just can’t wrap my head around this because of my upbringing ... how do women do this and it be justified in their minds that it is ok... help!

I can't improve upon the responses you've gotten so far for the core issue... if you aren't comfortable swinging, say so to your husband and don't do it.

 

To answer the question you asked, I can't speak for "women" but I can share what my wife has told me about her own thoughts on the matter. Firstly, she considers sex to be a physical activity... like hiking or swimming. It is not, in and of itself, a deeply romantic or spiritual act, though it can be in the right context and with the right person (so can hiking and swimming). Secondly, she and I are sexually non-monogamous and were, conceptually at least, even before we knew what swinging was. The idea of monogamy simply doesn't compute for us. Thirdly, and perhaps the largest contributor to our swinging experiences, my wife is something an exhibitionist and I am a voyeur. She knows that I enjoy watching her with others and she enjoys the fact that I enjoy it. For her it's a performance, and she's a performer at heart. She is literally putting on a show for me (and anyone else who is watching) and she gets off on it, and on knowing that I get off on it. 

 

Why? Because that's who she is and she's OK, enthusiastically so, with it.

 

However, back to the important point, if it isn't YOU, that is also OK... and that's the whole point. Embrace who you are and what is OK for you. Don't change yourself to be what someone else wants you to be.

[lcmim 1,081]

Everything said so far is spot on. I'd like to address this:

 

19 hours ago, Daisie1! said:

"how do women do this and it be justified in their minds that it is ok... help!"

 

First it is not just women who face this question. We men can have some pretty straight laced backgrounds and strong religious things to work out also.

 

Second, for us, we are still very much monogamous in the literal sense. ("married to one") with all the loyalty, trust and faithfulness that it implies. We have decided that all of those, especially faithfulness , have nothing to do with what out genitals are doing, as long as we are both truly on board.

 

Consider  the loaded terms. "Cleave" literally to stick to, that is be loyal to. It only pertains to sex if you agree it does. "Forsaking all others" ,putting your mate first. Not letting anyone or any thing else take precedence. This includes job, family, personal desires.

There is no question as to our marriage coming first. No doubt about everything being on the table. 

For us the answer was separating sex from the important issues.

Edited May 26, 2021 by lcmim

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

To expand on what Lion said: We have combined the concept that sex and love are the same thing, they are not. Love is emotional, sex is physical. You do not need to love someone to have sex with them and you do not have to have sex with someone in order to love them. The first step is to be able to separate the two.