need some advice here

[bigdaddysc81 0]

In a bit of a pickle and not sure how to feel.20 year married couple, 2 kids. About 6 years ago, wife said she was bored in bed. So we got toys and even tried a threesome. The threesome was great and we played with young man a few times more. I cut off the threesome when he started relying on my wife for more of an emotional relationship. I told her that I felt that was getting too close to someone that was there for us not just her. I saw the mmf threesome as relationship building for us a couple. We tried to find a female to try in a threesome but had no luck. I tried solo play with a female and I couldn't get over feelings guilty of cheating despite permission and urging.

Fast forward to two weeks ago.

Wife drops the bombshell that she wants me to consider poly and the guy from our threesome is whom she has developed feelings for him. They have maintained communications but all above board. He is having marriage problems and it is not looking good for them. He says he is poly but hos wife doesn't play that way.  He is very similar to me, even have the same birthday, nerd qualities, down to eye color but he is also 12 years younger than me. My wife says she wouldn't anything with him if I agreed to this until he was divorced. 

I have some health issues, none life threatening but simple stuff like removing a polynodal cyst and I suffer from low testosterone with a dash of ED. I do take meds that help with that and it is generally not an issue. I have no shame in admitting that. Anyways, I am REALLY struggling with the not only younger version of me but also hearing her say she has feelings for him hurts like soul deep. I don't want to deny her happiness and the chance to grow more from the broken bird from 20 years ago.

But I don't know how to not feel a little hurt, mad, replaced with a younger model, and deal with the jealousy issues. Or I wrong?

[adamgunn 1,460]

Are you wrong, you ask. I don't think there's any right or wrong here, just what works for the two (or three) of you.

 

I have to ask first, how committed to you is your wife? What would happen if you said no? If she would comply with you, you've got options. If she says she would leave you for him, the only choice you have is to either allow the polyamory or file for divorce. 

 

Here's some good news. If the guy is getting divorced, it's likely that your wife is the rebound woman. Those relationships tend to peter out after awhile (how long is very hard to say,) and he's likely to be in a bad spot. It's possible that your wife is going to get tired of him eventually. 

 

No matter what happens, it seems to me you're in for a bad time here . . .

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

I cut off the threesome when he started relying on my wife for more of an emotional relationship.

Sounds like you may have cut it off, but she didn't.

 

Lets get thru the big stuff first: He's still married. Nothing can happen until that is no longer the case, but he needs to do that on his own without ANY promises or guarantees from you or your wife. She needs to cut off communication with him until this is done (otherwise, if his wife finds out anything about your wife and him...it could get ugly fast, even if nothing has happened between them). He might just be seeing a greener pasture (with your wife) and not trying to work on his marriage. Also, that she was still communicating with him BEHIND YOUR BACK is a For her to still be talking with him enough for her to 'develop feelings' for him when you had cut things off is not good at all. Sounds like you have a communication problem here at the very least. For her to tell you that she wants a poly relationship sounds like things have gotten much further than you let on. I agree with Adam, you are in a bad spot here no matter what happens since it sounds like she might have already made up her mind. The two of you need to talk SOON. What if you say no to poly? Has she already chosen him over you (which it kind of sounds like for her to even suggest this)? We also agree that your wife will be the rebound woman, but nobody thinks that they are the rebound until it has played all the way out first. Man, we're sorry for you, but you two need to talk soon and bring back more info. We wish the best for you...but it sounds like you are going to be in for a bumpy ride.

[bigdaddysc81 0]

I went and talked to her on my lunch since I am still working from home and she is not working.  She would not leave me and what we have.  She says she would to find a way to cut that part of her out and box it away for me if I said no to the mono/poly.

[enhancer 1,585]

When you say you cut off the threesome’s with this other guy were you aware she had not cut off the communication with him?  Were you two aware he was married to someone who does not appreciate the lifestyle when you started playing with him?

[NWAtlSwing 522]

We think it is breaks time. IF this is really meant to be, everyone can wait. There is a fourth person at the table who does not even know what is going on.

 

Poly is about trust and honesty. I don't think that is where your marriage is.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

She says she would to find a way to cut that part of her out and box it away for me if I said no to the mono/poly.

But is she going to secretly hold this against you (kind of sounds like she already is thinking that since she 'would find a way to cut that out)? Trust is SO VERY IMPORTANT when it comes to swinging and it just sounds like she violated that trust by keeping in touch with him and letting it go to the point where she developed feelings for him. Even if she was to tell you that she is cutting off contact with him...can you REALLY trust her on this? After all, you have already cut him off once where she kept in touch and he's going to be needing so much more emotional support now that he (might) be getting a divorce. I think that she should let him do whatever he is going to do on his own and stop contacting him until it is over and THEN see if there is still a decision to be made. The problem with this is once the trust has been broken, it is very difficult to repair and requires time and her actions (or lack of) to fix. As NWAtlSwing said poly is about trust and honesty...swinging is also about trust and honesty. It sounds like you both have some work to do on the trust side.

 

Quote

They have maintained communications but all above board.

Looking back, this is confusing...I'm guessing that this just means that they didn't meet in private without you? They just talked in such a way as to develop serious feelings for each other (in other words: fell in love with each other). This is better than if they saw each other behind your back? That he (in your words) is just a younger (better) version of yourself sounds like you do (and probably should) have a problem with him. This still sounds like there are going to be some large bumps coming on the road ahead.

 

Short version: she needs to stop communicating with him until he decides what he wants to do and actually does it (but this has to be her decision so she cannot later blame you if she finds herself unhappy) and then you both need to work on repairing the trust between the two of you. Of course, this also means no more swinging for the time being. Let us know how things are going...we're here to try and help.

 

Edited June 16, 2021 by GoldCoCouple

[bigdaddysc81 0]

Wow...just wow. Thank yall for the amazing insight, hope, validation, and directions. She has Hebrew class and I work til eleven tonight so we might still talk tonight but otherwise it will be tomorrow night. Not looking forward to this condo but hopefully it will help my heart stop hurting and make the demons in my head go away.

Enhancer, no, I was not aware of communication between them and was not included in the group discussions prior to the threesome. When we had our threesome, he was divorced from the first wife and was not married to this wife. 

Gold, in re to the first part, she has said she would not engage or discuss anything until he was divorced and I agreed to this lifestyle. The trust...yeah...that is alot harder to forgive and forget. 20 years of a bumpy road. 2nd part, correct. They have im'd but no video calling or meeting up.....least that I'm aware of. I do worry about the resent part ALOT. the last 5 years has been all mono not swinging, threesome, etc just pillowtalk and even that has been stopped now.

[bigdaddysc81 0]

Sorry hit submit too soon.

NWA, I am asking for time already to decide on this so that is not a problem. She has 5 years to determine and is wanted a timeliness for me to make a decision so I told 6 months and she was huffy about that bc I am generally an old school man who sees things in black and white. The threesome was a gray area I agreed to for a few reasons (her happiness, my pleasure I'm Bic but have already said it would never go anywhere) , the naughtiness of it) but once it started to feel off, it was back to the b&w.

This is way more serious and I can't be wishy washy on it at all.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

The horse is already out of the barn here, but maybe something for the future: while we don't have many rules (now, we had a bunch when we started), one that we still have is that the men can talk to the men, the women can talk to the women, but there is NO cross man/woman talking unless all four of us are involved in the discussion (since you had a threesome, its slightly different, but the same thing still goes). This rule extends to meeting IRL as well. The women can do things together (shop, spa, etc), the men can do things together, but there is no cross man/woman 'alone' time where everyone isn't at least participating. We did this to keep any problems or misunderstandings from happening.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

...no, I was not aware of communication between them

IOHO, this crosses the line. Swinging is where everyone is involved with complete knowledge about what is going on...done out in the open with trust and love. When one or more are doing things that are kept secret, that is cheating. Cheating is done in the dark and behind your partners back, and is totally void of love and betrays trust. It is the exact opposite of swinging. She may not realize this, she may have just been trying to be a good friend, a kind voice and ear to listen, but she needs to be made aware of it.

 

Please let us know how your talk goes.

[Numex 2,416]

So what if your wife and the other guy have feelings for each other?  If it makes her happy, it's good.  She will appreciate your generosity. 

 

It amazes me how many guys are thrilled that their wife and other men are enjoying playing with every part of each others bodies, and the guys are pumping cum into every one of her orifices, but feelings?  No way.  My wife exchanges "I love you"s with one of the guys we play with.  I am flattered and prefer it over some guy treating her as just a cum dump.