Incapacitated partner - swing solo?

[CanadianCouple 18]

Many couples within the swinging lifestyle are adamant about always swinging together, no exceptions. In fact, we're one of them.

 

However, if one partner were to become physically incapable of having sex, due to illness, paralysis, etc., would that partner give their spouse permission to seek physical gratification outside the marriage, provided it was done discreetly?

 

We've discussed it here, and the answer is yes. Just wondered how others who never separate felt about it.

[frisson 16]

Many couples within the swinging lifestyle are adamant about always swinging together, no exceptions. In fact, we're one of them.

 

However, if one partner were to become physically incapable of having sex, due to illness, paralysis, etc., would that partner give their spouse permission to seek physical gratification outside the marriage, provided it was done discreetly?

 

We've already said on another thread that we are both free to pursue outside contacts, so in our case the answer is yes.

 

It requires a great level of trust in the relationship, and a letting-go of control. That might be even more the case in the situation you describe. It would truly be a heroic act of love on the part of the incapacitated mate, whose only "perq" in the situation is knowing that his/her mate is still able to find sexual pleasure without guilt.

[NCcouple 15]

I guess to go along with that question I would have to ask this- how would your partner feel about having sex if you were unable? You always hear about someone dying and the other swears of love forever or something along those lines (everyone groan now). I'm sure the desire to have sex is still there just as strong, but unless you are truly in a situation like that I think it would be hard to answer. But I do agree that it would really take a special kind of relationship to pull it off. You would think that at some point the one going without would start to feel some sort of resentment. I guess this could be filed under "Things that make you go hmmm".

[Mmmm...inNC 15]

The movie Lady Chatterly's lover deals with the subject of a disabled spouse who is encourages the other to take on a lover, it is poignant and erotic story.

 

Mmmm...

[jowdal 15]

It is true that you would have to encounter the situation before you could truly know what your response would be.

 

My spouse had a heart attack at age 37, I was 27. His medication had a side effect, trouble getting and maintaining an erection. That was 14 years ago, he no longer takes the medication, but the damage was already done. (He can't take Viagra, it could kill him instantly.)

 

We have a really "good" friend in another state aware of our situation. My husband actually encouraged me to have sex with this other man. I eventually did, but not before a lot of conversations between my spouse and I. Sometimes hubby participates, other times he watches, and still other times he sends me on my merry way and tells me to enjoy.

 

This has worked for us for many years, but I don't know how well it would work for someone else. Most of all it takes a deep love, commitment and understanding from both partners.

 

My suggestion is to talk about the possibilities now. That "someday" just might be tomorrow.

[OhioCouple 40]

 

This has worked for us for many years, but I don't know how well it would work for someone else. Most of all it takes a deep love, commitment and understanding from both partners.

 

In 1972 my mother had a stroke at the age of 38 and was not expected to live. After 2 years of rehabilitation, she learned to walk with a cane and leg brace. Her mental capacity is pretty good although the process of the brain sending messages to the mouth and body are not. Needless to say she became sexually inactive at 38.

 

My dad at some point (don't really recall when we first found out) had taken on a "female friend". She drove some sort of car called a Rabbit...could have been a VW? Anyway, we dubbed her as "Bunny" which is how we would refer to her in a joking manner. We only learned her name about 10 years ago.

 

Anne has provided emotional support among other things I am sure for over 20 years. (She lost her husband due to a heart attack over 30 years ago.

 

We recently learned that our mother knows about Anne, and her words which I quote... "I am glad Dad has someone to talk to...but he always comes home to me".

 

Perhaps they have talked about it...not really a subject you bring up with your parents!, but it has worked for them for over 20 years and continues to work, and they are still totally committed to each other.

 

L The Female Half

[OhioCouple 40]

Sorry Dan,

 

Forgot to add that yes, we would certainly allow each other to seek outside gratification should one of us be incapacitated due to illness beyond our control.

 

L The Female Half

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Anyone want to add their thoughts here? How would you feel if you were incapacitated? Would you want your partner to continue swinging alone? Would you want to continue swinging if your partner could no longer join you?

[mokytag02 56]

We talked about it and we started this together and if we can't do it together then we don't do it period. That's just our 2 cents worth. Each couple would have to do what works for them but this is our take.

[yawanna 17]

No way. And I've known couples who have faced this. No way.

[wrnakedru 38]

No way, no how, nyuh-uh, absolutely, positively, without a doubt NOT.

 

This is only viable for us because of the US part. The US part is what stands.

 

Can recognize and allow that all have to come to their own decision.

 

This is ours.

[roggiesgirl 17]

Tough question! But I'd have to say no. Just like it was stated.. this whole situation is for US... if there isn't an "us", there isn't a lifestyle.

 

Good question.. really makes you think!

[Den2u 16]

I would have to say that if I were incapacitated, I would want my wife to feel free to seek sexual gratification from someone else! Her happiness is my main concern, and great sex is a part of that happiness.

[Roxysbayou 20]

I think that if he were to become disabled in some way, that I personally could not do it. I think that the guilt would be to much for me, and I have to much respect for him to do that. But if it were me who could not perform, I think that I would have to seriously consider allowing him to have some type of affair. I don't know, its a tough question. One I hope that we never have to face.

[Sparkysweet 15]

Well, this one's a bit close to home. Ms Sparky suffers from Multiple Sclerosis - and we have discussed in some detail.

 

We have both experienced guilt and remorse (before we started this direction) in the past. In fact for a period of time every time (we counted)...for about 20 times we had sex & she orgasmed (visualize mind blowing)...she also experienced some type of episode, or seizure that would just about freak out most people. Imagine my guilt of knowing what was coming in pursuit of my pleasure...and hers in worrying about staying sexually satisfying. Yet we persevered and finally said "screw it", we're going to live life to the fullest. Mostly she just gets to orgasm for 30 minutes instead or starts orgasming at the slightest hint of the erotic.

 

Overall, we're blessed as much as cursed...our life has changed for the better in many ways, and our relationship and honest communication is simply unbelievable. We each found new life friend with each other and our slow intro into the lifestyle has been unbelievable...better each step. As for sexual needs, when/if we're affected, we'll work through ensuring needs are met whatever happens.

 

Now as for swinging. First we're up front with others - no prob yet. We also have to work around symptoms...and finally if she becomes incapacitated and unable to adjust or enjoy, I'd simply lose interest in the lifestyle as all my pleasure and fantasies are derived from rocking her world. Sex with someone might be there and she'd want that, but it would pale in comparison to what we're getting out of each new experience to share with each other for now. If you really love your partner the way most profess, I'd think that the experience would lose a lot of its energy.

[CB_n_Red 16]

It's close to home here as well. I have psoriatic arthritis which will eventually put me in a wheelchair. Probably won't happen soon, so our discussions on what happens when have been pretty general and inconclusive. I wouldn't want Red to stop having her fun though!

 

CB

[mrs good times 73]

If I were incapacitated I would want Mr. to find someone to enjoy sex with. I think sex is an essential need for most and I would want him to be happy and satisfied. I can image the frustration of day to day living with someone with a disability and the care they require so why not allow my partner the pleasure of sex. I love him and trust him so I would want to give him as much happiness as I possibly could.

[MrsBliss 18]

I would give my husband the opportunity to have sex with someone else. I love him, trust him and I know I have to offer more to him than just sex.

 

I am not sure if I myself would find any need to have sex with someone else. I honestly don't think he would want me to have sex with someone else, but I am not sure.

[tazzie_n_truck 17]

If something were to happen to one of us where we were unable to have sex, we would want the other to be happy, and yes sex would be something that would be included in that happiness. Granted, yes, it is a very touchy subject. But this is something we have both talked about a lot, and we agreed we would want each other to be happy.

[willyoats 324]

Two anecdotes:

 

When my wife went through menopause, there was a while when she could not tolerate penetration. For a couple of years she was OK with my having intercourse with other women. Finally she got the hormones straightened out and we went back to our old happy lovemaking.

 

Once at a house party, I met a woman who didn't want to play with anybody because she was recovering from a recent mastectomy. With her permission, her husband was off with as many other women as would have him. I sat and chatted with her for a long time and discovered that she was a truly delightful creature who was (in my opinion) unnecessarily shy about what she thought was her "disfigurement." After a while, I convinced her that it wouldn't bother me a bit, and we got a room. She still didn't want intercourse, and the area where the breast had been removed was still very tender. Nevertheless, we had a really delightful time schmoozing and cuddling and playing with each other. She had given her husband permission to play alone because she thought she was incapacitated. She finally gave herself permission to play in spite of her perceived incapacity. I will be forever grateful that she did. She was so sweet.

[athenagirl 36]

Two anecdotes:

 

When my wife went through menopause, there was a while when she could not tolerate penetration. For a couple of years she was OK with my having intercourse with other women. Finally she got the hormones straightened out and we went back to our old happy lovemaking.

 

Once at a house party, I met a woman who didn't want to play with anybody because she was recovering from a recent mastectomy. With her permission, her husband was off with as many other women as would have him. I sat and chatted with her for a long time and discovered that she was a truly delightful creature who was (in my opinion) unnecessarily shy about what she thought was her "disfigurement." After a while, I convinced her that it wouldn't bother me a bit, and we got a room. She still didn't want intercourse, and the area where the breast had been removed was still very tender. Nevertheless, we had a really delightful time schmoozing and cuddling and playing with each other. She had given her husband permission to play alone because she thought she was incapacitated. She finally gave herself permission to play in spite of her perceived incapacity. I will be forever grateful that she did. She was so sweet.

Awww... you are so sweet. What a lucky woman who got to play with you.

 

Athenagirl

[IvoryTowers 380]

Two anecdotes:

 

When my wife went through menopause, there was a while when she could not tolerate penetration. For a couple of years she was OK with my having intercourse with other women. Finally she got the hormones straightened out and we went back to our old happy lovemaking.

 

Once at a house party, I met a woman who didn't want to play with anybody because she was recovering from a recent mastectomy. With her permission, her husband was off with as many other women as would have him. I sat and chatted with her for a long time and discovered that she was a truly delightful creature who was (in my opinion) unnecessarily shy about what she thought was her "disfigurement." After a while, I convinced her that it wouldn't bother me a bit, and we got a room. She still didn't want intercourse, and the area where the breast had been removed was still very tender. Nevertheless, we had a really delightful time schmoozing and cuddling and playing with each other. She had given her husband permission to play alone because she thought she was incapacitated. She finally gave herself permission to play in spite of her perceived incapacity. I will be forever grateful that she did. She was so sweet.

 

That second story is amazingly sweet! How kind and loving of you to take the time to make her feel sexy and wanted!

 

We haven't faced this issue, so this is theoretical, but we have talked about it and our answer is YES OF COURSE! Swinging is something we do together to enhance our lives and our relationship, true. But sex is a wonderful and important part of life and we wouldn't want to deny each other that if one of us was incapacitated.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Two anecdotes:

 

When my wife went through menopause, there was a while when she could not tolerate penetration. For a couple of years she was OK with my having intercourse with other women. Finally she got the hormones straightened out and we went back to our old happy lovemaking.

 

Once at a house party, I met a woman who didn't want to play with anybody because she was recovering from a recent mastectomy. With her permission, her husband was off with as many other women as would have him. I sat and chatted with her for a long time and discovered that she was a truly delightful creature who was (in my opinion) unnecessarily shy about what she thought was her "disfigurement." After a while, I convinced her that it wouldn't bother me a bit, and we got a room. She still didn't want intercourse, and the area where the breast had been removed was still very tender. Nevertheless, we had a really delightful time schmoozing and cuddling and playing with each other. She had given her husband permission to play alone because she thought she was incapacitated. She finally gave herself permission to play in spite of her perceived incapacity. I will be forever grateful that she did. She was so sweet.

 

Karma is a powerful thing, and you earned some major points with her. I am so glad that you enjoyed your time with her and helped her feel like a woman again, cared about, touched, cuddled. Good for you!!!!

 

S

[WeDive 57]

Many couples within the swinging lifestyle are adamant about always swinging together, no exceptions. In fact, we're one of them.

 

However, if one partner were to become physically incapable of having sex, due to illness, paralysis etc., would that partner give their spouse permission to seek physical gratification outside the marriage, provided it was done discreetly?

 

We've discussed it here, and the answer is yes. Just wondered how others who never separate felt about it.

 

Dan

 

This is an interesting hypothetical, but no possible way for us to answer it honestly.

 

Since today we'd be discussing it without the trauma and emotion that would go along with having one of us incapacitated, its not framed in the same decision making environment. Therefore it would be impossible to tell if what we discussed today would be the same when we really went through that scenario.

 

We know some men that swing without spousal/partner permission (cheat). At least a couple of them have indicated partner incapacitation (due to accident or illness) as the reason. They all have said they wouldn't/couldn't tell their partner because it would crush them emotionally. We know this is not the scenario you are asking about, but it might give a glimpse into the psyche of the incapacitated spouse, in some instances.

 

That being said, our involvement in the LS and the emphasis we've put on communication because of it could only help us as we navigated through a situation like partner incapacitation.

[LFM2 1,482]

Of course Dave and I both discussed this one. We believe we'd both say an emphatic YES to this question. We both got into swinging a few years ago to enhance our already wonderful life, and we both know it's a selfless gift that we gave each other. Why wouldn't we want to still see our partner happy? There would be no reason to take that gift away.

 

 

When I read this, I thought of Abraham Maslow, who many of you know. He's also my favorite psychologist who has a theory of a "Hierarchy of Needs" (picture is above) in his paper called, "Theory of Human Motivation". He includes sex as a physiological need in this hierarchy. I happen to agree. I think sex is just as important as air, food, sleep, as well as breathing. It's one of the most basic needs we have. It's true that most people can do without sex and they do fine, but who really wants to go without sex? I don't and I know Dave doesn't. It's still a gift that I would bestow upon him and him upon me.

[crazinred 36]

Well this hits close to home for us also. Male half here I already suffer from ED, Diabetes and Arthritis. So erections are few and far between so with Reds strong sexual desires, I can't come close to fulfilling them. This is how we where able to start this lifestyle. Even with my problems I still have a very strong sex drive. Now I get to enjoy sex with Red while she enjoys it with others. Currently we only play together and really enjoy it. I hope to never be to the point I can't in some way play if its nothing more then with my tongue. With my body slowly giving to the arthritis I keep learning new ways to play. We now are trying the trimix injection to enable myself to get an erection. It works but still not 100% results and sometimes not good effects on myself. As they say erection that last more then 4 hours are not good and they are correct at that.

 

I have just recently went through hip replacement surgery and after that we started the lifestyle. I am more active now that I am healed but still nowhere near being able to keep up with Red. I really do enjoy seeing her with others both male and female. I do participate as much as I can and hope to for along time yet. As far as her playing alone I am sure it will happen sometime sooner than later but right now we are doing great the way it is. But in the future I still hope to enjoy her even if its no more then hearing about whats she has been doing with others.

[SW_MS_CPL 15]

Interesting subject, and timely too. I recently was hospitalized for a few days with congestive heart failure. I'm doing much better now, taking my meds, and no, it hasn't affected our sex life yet. In the event that it does eventually, I would have no problem allowing my wife to have "discrete" relationships to fulfill her physical needs. If the situation were reversed, she would allow me to do the same.

 

Hopefully this is a problem we never have to deal with.

[Cpl2share 147]

Damned tough question. Kind of. On three occasions Mrs. Cpl has been incapacitated sexually for a period of time (about 9 months each time). The most recent time was after we "got into the LS". That time she did give me permission to go play. I did not play. I felt that it would not be right. On her end of things it was very admirable, but I do still have a hand. From my perspective: We both knew how long (within a couple of weeks) she would be out of commission, I do still have a hand. Would I make the same choice if I did not know how long she would be recovering? Can't say, haven't been there. But I do know this: If it was a permanent loss of one of our organs (vagina or penis) there are still ways to please your partner, and I would make every attempt to continue to please her whenever possible. Barring that, I would send her out to find satisfaction elsewhere. I already do that with other things, I don't get jealous if she want to eat at a restaurant instead of having a PBJ at home.

[Begood03 15]

I have already told my wife that if anything happened to me to cause me to be incapable of sex, she should find ways to get her needs taken care of. I think it would be selfish to react any other way.

[Zumbudy 16]

This is one that started a LONG conversation with the Mrs's, she has Ovarian cysts that will "disable" her for 2-3 months at a time sexually. It lead to us deciding that the swinger lifestyle might work for us. When she is able I want her to truly enjoy herself and explore all her fantasies, and when she is out of commission I have the option to satisfy my needs. So far we have had difficulty actually connecting with singles or couples, we live in a more rural area with less opportunities to pursue our pleasures, but just having everything open and having come to an understanding alone has made our relationship that much stronger.

[DigginIt 1,132]

If I became incapacitated and could no longer provide any type of intimacy with my wife...I would certainly not expect her to be a nun for the rest of her life. I believe that not having sexual activity is actually unhealthy. I don't know if there is any fact behind that but I believe it to be so.

 

Would I want her to do it without my knowledge, no, but I trust and love my wife. There is so much more we could do as a couple outside of the bedroom to continue to build our relationship. Sex is not the relationship but something in the relationship that we do.

 

Would it be uncomfortable for me knowing that I could no longer do something for her that I truly enjoy, absolutely, but what a selfish bastard I would be to condemn her to my fate because of jealously.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Alura 2,774]

I pretty much agree that an incapacitated partner should allow his/her partner freedom to find sex elsewhere.

 

In actual practice, though, it didn't work for us. During Laura's eight year fight with breast cancer there were times when she was just too sick for sex, which was the last thing on my mind at the time.

 

I would never have left her, even for an hour or so, to make it happen.

 

Alura

[ALilOEverything 901]

I would never have left her, even for an hour or so, to make it happen.

 

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

 

It's so easy to think of what we would do in theory but the reality of it is so much different.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

 

It's so easy to think of what we would do in theory but the reality of it is so much different.

 

I agree.

 

I think there's different realities here though.

 

If my wife had some bad illness that wasn't going to go away, and was slowly killing her, yes I'd have a hard time going off having sex with another woman rather than being at her side. I would want every minute I could have with her. That's one reality.

 

If it was something that wasn't terminal, but prevented her from having sex and didn't otherwise detract significantly from her life, then I could see it. Different reality.

 

More likely is that I'll pass on before my wife does. I hope she goes out and finds someone else if I do. If I should die soon, while our kids are still young, I think she should stay in swinging. I've said as much, and she's said she's not sure she would. But, she wouldn't want to start dating again until our kids are out. I've said it would be wrong to deny sexual self for years while waiting for that time. She's said she doesn't know how she could feel comfortable being a single female in the lifestyle. I've said, well, start out with some of the single men you've played with, and get them to help. It provides a door to the lifestyle, one that she can trust. She agrees that's a possibility.

 

I know I would NOT be happy, whether I'm alive or dead, if my wife denied her sexual essence for years because I'm incapacitated or dead. She loves sex too much, and it would be wrong to repress that. Ultimately, I think it would make her very sad to repress it, and I think it would make her less of a good mother (and were I alive) and less of a good wife. Repressing yourself for years is a recipe for depression.

[Guest softswingpei]

Interesting and thought provoking posts.

 

My wife and I talked it over and are in agreement with the concept of proxy sex. Our rules, if somebody has a permanent incapacity - ED, back problems, confined to a wheelchair but is not sick or dying, then the other spouse is free to find a partner for discreet physical only needs. The incapacitated spouse is informed and must approve first. Priority is given to somebody in a couple with a similar type situation.

 

But this does not apply if someone is recovering from an illness - heart attack, cancer etc.

[JB 140]

I think most of us here would tell our partners to go for it. Face it, at least half of us are voyeurs, and pretty much all of us enjoy living vicariously though others, why else hang out on a swingers forum?

[MN Tom 251]

Yeah, this depends greatly on the cause of the incapacitation.

 

If it's due to some long term debilitating illness, it's likely neither spouse would want sex anyway. If it's some minor illness that for some reason manifests in no desire or performance yet isn't being fixed, then it's a different matter.

[lotsoffun201 175]

We have discussed this very scenario from time to time. A few weeks ago we were at a club where they allowed single males. We met a nice looking couple from out of town and it appeared the husband went around the club finding single males for his wife. One after another, after another. In talking with them, it became apparent the husband was quite ill with cancer and I can assume didn't have much time left. We didn't discuss much with him but did notice no participation on his part at all. We could only assume he was unable to perform and wanted his wife happy.

 

Also, if you can recall a movie called Absolute Power with Clint Eastwood, the sub plot of the movie addressed this very situation of one partner being unable to perform sexually due to infirmity.

[exploringRM 305]

As long as everything is out in the open we have no problem with the idea of finding some fun with another. We are in that situation right now. I'm on chemotherapy and between potential immune deficiency and lack of interest/energy I have no problems with my wife playing. I do get out socially on non-treatment weeks. Wife went to a M&G this past Friday (I was a zombie due to treatment) and another couple (friends) drove her there and back. They pulled off into a parking lot on the way home and had some fun (pre-planned)! Hopefully by the end of the year, I'll be back into the fun!

[sweetandspicy 15]

I have lived this for nearly 15 years. We had just started to swing when my hubby got brain cancer. To make a long story short, after a very long and dreadful time he is much better now. But one of the side effects is his loss of sex drive. We are working on that and we have come pretty far, but there came a time recently, after being a virtuous wife, where I got totally turned on by a stranger to the point that my knees got weak. I spent many days talking with God and finally told my husband that I loved him but could not go the rest of my life without hot feverish sex. He was not happy.

 

He has been trying and I still love his body and what he can do with his amazing tongue, but, and I would love help with this, please, if anyone can, he has developed a very un-arousing habit of giggling uncontrollable when I approach him. Last night I went to unzip his pants so I could blow him. It got so bad we played scrabble instead.

 

Back to the topic: No, my husband would not want me to have sex without him. I, on the other hand have a different view. I would encourage him and, to be a part of it, I would like him to tell me all about it, after all, good sex starts in the mind. Pictures and videos would be a plus!

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

. . . Pictures and videos would be a plus!

As I read through your message, several thoughts run through my mind. But this last sentence seems to make no connection with the rest of your story. In what way, please tell me, would pictures of video help? And to what kind of pictures and video are you referring?

[Alura 2,774]

To have that kind of love for someone is such a beautiful thing. You are such a beautiful person.

 

What a wonderful compliment, LilO! Coming from you, it's even more special.

 

Thank you!

 

Alura

[sweetandspicy 15]

As I read through your message, several thoughts run through my mind. But this last sentence seems to make no connection with the rest of your story. In what way, please tell me, would pictures of video help? And to what kind of pictures and video are you referring?

Pictures and videos to go along with the stories my husband would tell me about his escapades. Sorry for the miscommunication.