Seasoned swingers insistent about speaking to each other spouse separately.

[invrpm 19]

Hello everyone. Been off and on looking into this lifestyle and had thought we found a pretty decent matching couple for our first experience. We started talking to a couple and explained that the wife was really interested in her first bi experience and that letting the ladies have fun while we men watched or at most had sex with our own wives if things were going good. Now the male half wanted to have separate conversations which I really wasn't comfortable with. So he let me talk to his wife on my kik account and my wife used my kik account to talk to him when time allowed for it because she don't have one and she's really not a big talker. Not too far into the conversation he asked her if she'd be interested in swapping (not what me and him discussed)  And she said probably. Which he already knew what we after which was to focus  on my wifes first bi experience. And I told him we wanted to take it slow and go one step at a time. And then he gets frustrated because we have rules in place. At first he was ok with it and then gets aggravated and tells me I just need to go with the flow and let go of the control. Then he kept harping about us sleeping with each other's wives separately. So I was talking to his wife who he said was shy so that's cool but they're seasoned swingers so idk what she's shy about and she almost seemed not interested in the way she would answer anything. We are a more attractive couple than them and he really liked my wife and the fact that she squirts and likes anal so he was like "jackpot" and he even so much as said the like in one of his messages. His wife didn't like to do much of anything including not even so much as going anywhere near her butthole. I get you may not like anal but she wanted nothing to do with any of it and ok thats her prerogative but it feels like I'm getting a dud and he's winning the lottery with my wife. So he ask me again about letting him talk alone with her and I tell him again to stay on my kik app. The next time I let him talk to her he immediately gives his phone number for her to text him and my wife calls me in the room and she replies back our agreed upon rule that we don't communicate outside that app whether social media or anything. He starts going on about oh that's a red flag. He's for some reason is hell bent on speaking alone with her. We respond back with he's sending red flags because he's not respecting our ways of communication with couples at this never played before stage. Now I talked to his wife alone on the app but only because he was so insistent upon it and it made for very frustrating conversation because I could feel the interest wasn't there from the door. We wanted to do a phone call with all 4 of us on the line and he kept putting it off then when he couldn't talk to my wife alone he got pissed and all the sudden the phone call they couldn't make that night they dam near demanded that we call. So we did and he's like ok so there's really 4 of us here but he's like I'm loosing interest and your wife is nothing more than a pretty picture to me right now and he said he let me talk to his wife and he was mad because he couldn't talk to my wife alone and he's not letting his wife play with someone if she doesn't get to to know them first and thats all well and good but I wanted to do that with everyone in the open not separate. Oh and one of his famous sayings was they're are very chill couple and not pushy. But that's exactly how I felt during this. My wife was like lets just do it all and see how it is but she doesn't read about swinging the way I do. I have to relay all the information I learned and explain to her about rules and being on the same page. She's like a free spirit but isn't taking into account that going too far to quick could be disastrous. I was in agreement with her at first about just going to go with the flow because we wanted an experience until he was insistent on talking to her by herself and on the phone call he didn't like that he couldn't have his way and we ended it there with them. So I need to know am I wrong for not letting him chat with my wife alone? Was I right to have our boundaries in place for that? Is that common practice in the swinger community when everything is supposed to be out in the open? I want to know did I dodge a bullet with this couple or did I mess up somewhere? Thank you all and look forward to hearing your input on this as we find our way in this.

[lcmim 1,082]

First I will admit that I usually find a way to talk alone with the lady. I do this to allow her to express how she feels about the whole situation. I think that often enough the ladies are going along with their husbands fantasy. I want no part of this.

If my wife wants to play with the husband, then so be it. I can not bring myself to have the lady think she needs to reciprocate. On occasion the freedom to not put out has put the lady in the mood. I do not complain .

I am just easy.

 

There are legitimate reasons for alone talk.

It does not sound like this was one of those situations. Bullet dodged.

 

Edited June 27, 2021 by lcmim

[invrpm 19]

Thank you. But if we say have a 4 way video chat that can be brought up and her demeanor can say alot about what's going on. If we gonna play and there isn't any secrets then there shouldn't be a reason to chat alone. Do you insist on chatting alone before you play at all? From my point of view all cards should be on the table and no secrets so everyone feels more comfortable.

[njbm 2,879]

All four have to discuss. All have to be on board for the activities to occur. One person should not be dictating to other people what those activities are.  

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Seems to me like there is a truckload of Red flags. It also appears that you are not both on the same page. 

[Sunday 119]

WTF is there to talk about?  This is sex for sport, show your skills - play ball!  And if you don't want to, don't.

 

What's all the drama?  FOH, I don't have time for all that.

 

???

 

 

[PeterJ 954]

There’s so much wrong here it makes my head spin.

Life’s too short.; this interaction is wasting your time and energy. Move on.

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

We would have kicked him to the curb after the third or forth sentence of your post. We don't have many rules, but one of them is no cross talk (man to man = okay, woman to woman = okay, man to woman = absolutely not). In order to find out that everyone is interested, we meet for drinks or dinner with no play scheduled. You will learn more in five minutes in person than an eternity of email, texting or calls. Bottom line is that this guy is a jerk and just bullying his way to get what he wants (and so far, it has worked). There's always another couple out there and they will be a much better match. Tell them thanks but no thanks and start looking for a better match.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Here's the thing... if you're ever in a swinging situation (or any situation really) and you find yourself thinking "I'm not OK with this"... stop. It doesn't matter if that's what other people would do. It doesn't even matter if it's what you, yourself, did on a previous occasion. What matters is, there, in that moment, something about the situation feels wrong to you and you should just politely but firmly and quickly remove yourself (and your loved one's) from that situation.

 

If you want an reason - You have an entirely lifetime's worth of experience, and a full array of human survival instincts, subconsciously observing and analyzing everything around you for signs of danger. Some part of your brain is always looking to the proverbial lion sneaking toward you through the high grass. So when you hear those mental alarm bells, even if you don't know why, listen to them. Better an awkward departure than meeting that lion.

[invrpm 19]

Thank You everyone for all the great feedback! Glad I listened to my instincts and told him that we were good. It makes feel better knowing I was in the right and you guys confirmed that for me. Thank you again. Makes the wife feel better too knowing I made the right call after she got y'all's feedback.

[cplnluv1 872]

If you can’t agree on what all wanted you just pass. Saying what the other husband wants, him telling you to go with the flow, should lead to just one thing, “Bye”. 
I always talk in person to the wife alone not on the phone or any other way to determine if she is doing this without pressure. Most husbands want to watch a wife have a first bi experience, mine did, and though that could be the reason to start swinging, I always make sure the wife wants it as well. 
I don’t understand where the conversation about anal and squirting originated, man talk I am guessing, women don’t normally start a swing relationship talking about those things. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,066]

Our hard rules include the no cross talk rule, never moving faster than the slowest member is comfortable with, and never changing rules an/or limits in a sexual situation. Probably three rules you should also incorporate.

[Baconheads 432]

As others said earlier, the conversation would have ended very early.  The dude seems very overbearing and cares not a whit about anyone but himself.

[Numex 2,420]

This fellow is a rude person, swing partner or vanilla acquaintance.  My rule is that swing partners (man or woman) need to keep my wife happy by accommodating her and not pushing her into anything she doesn't want.  It's worked because I haven't imposed any rules on her and she stands up for herself, so no one is going to demand that she engage in private conversations unless she wants to.  Find better people to share your time with. 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

If he's that domineering and rude before you've even met, imagine him once the clothing is off.