Just being friendly! Leading them on?

[Naberius 3]

I grew up chatting with people online, I have made many good friends online throughout the years, many that have lasted years, with people I have never even met. Some of them I don't even know what they look like. I am just very comfortable communicating via text, and I tend to be very cordial with pretty much anyone and everyone who is friendly as well. I hold chat conversations as fluidly as I do in-person conversations.

I also have a very outgoing and friendly personality and can spark up a conversation with anyone receptive enough to engage in conversation.

My wife grew up without computers and internet, and chat conversations feel completely disconnected and impersonal to her. Her personality is on par with mine in-person, but she feels likes online interactions seem weird.

As a result, I am generally the one initiating and carrying conversations online. She of course has access to all conversations and can and does interact with them from time to time.

However, with my friendly disposition, I don't tend to ignore people unless they are being super creepy. Even the ones we are not sexually interested in. As a result, there have been a few conversations, some flirty, others not, that have essentially lead to nothing more than the possibility of meeting for drinks or meeting at a party.

At parties, she mingles with everyone whether she is attracted to them or not. even dances with them. But when I do the same with people online, she feels like I am leading them on, even when no part of the conversation has become flirty. In my mind, I am just chatting with interesting people and being the friendly person that I am.

Our most recent disconnect has come from a conversation between a male who will be at an upcoming party and myself. He initiated the conversation. He is attracted to my wife, I am attracted to his, his wife has shown one line of text worth of interest in me. My wife is not sexually interested in him or her at all. We haven't spelled that out for him, and she hasn't even hinted that she's into him, but he and I have been gleefully carrying on a conversation about our experiences, how hot we think each other's wives are, the weather, meeting up at the party and just general friendly dude stuff. That is, until the moment he mentioned a specific sexual fantasy he would like to fulfill with my wife. That was the moment she began to feel like I was leading them on and is now worried that it will feel uncomfortable meeting them at the party, as she has no intentions of hooking up with this guy.

There is also another couple who has invited us out to drinks, which we accepted. Date is pending. Neither of us are sexually attracted to either of them, however we have carried on a very plutonic conversation with them in chat.

I'm not expecting to make BFFs with anyone, but I have no qualms over being friendly, chatting with and meeting friendly people with no expectations of hooking up. I am not naive however, I do understand they reached out with sexual interest, regardless of how plutonic the conversation remains. I am open to making new friends in the lifestyle, even without sexual intentions.

So... I suppose my question is, should I just completely ignore people online when we don't both have a sexual attraction to our counterparts? Many times we can't even see their faces until we are well into a good conversation and they share private photos. I don't like ignoring friendly people, especially when I know we will likely bump into them at an event.

When's a good time to announce that she's just not into him? The way I see it, it's the moment they actually invite us to play.

I suppose the disconnect is that she sees the sites such as SLS as dating sites, where as I see them more as a platform to meet like minded people who we may or may not end up sleeping with. What are your thoughts?

[TeamCalgary 168]

I understand your conundrum; the decency taken as something more dilemma.

 

It appears to us, the first person (That is, until the moment he mentioned a specific sexual fantasy he would like to fulfill with my wife.)

has made his intent, and potentially, expectation, clear. This requires from you an equally clear statement (that your wife has no interest in him). 

He has set the bar in terms of making his intentions/expectations clear to the two of you, and, in order to be fair, should attempt to meet that same standard set.

 

The second couple (There is also another couple who has invited us out to drinks, which we accepted. Date is pending. Neither of us are sexually attracted to either of them, however we have carried on a very plutonic conversation with them in chat) may be under the illusion that there exists something beyond your intent as you have indicated that neither of you are sexually attracted to them. Clarity in communication is crucial in the LS - ask them what their expectations are and get it out on the table. Question you can ask yourself is, would you rather have an uncomfortable conversation online, or would you rather be backed into a corner, in a face to face setting, having this same conversation but now in a much more uncomfortable setting?

 

A great deal of the behaviour that permeates the LS is predicated on the avoidance of rejection. You may scoff at this initially but watch how people behave and you will find this to be true. Couples who are tolerant of rejection, and expect to be rejected along the way, and take it in stride, tend to be more successful in the LS over time than couples who base their behaviour upon never facing this possibility (of rejection). We, as a couple, get rejected. Everyone gets rejected at some point; everyone. Don't fear it and let that courage guide your behaviour - if you do so, you will not be wary of having the sort of honest and very direct discussions that tend to make everyone's lives easier in the LS. 

[TwoFunTexans 103]

We've found that being friendly to all has lead to situations where people we have no interest in having sex with keep angling to convince us otherwise. We just continue to be friendly to all and non committal to avoid obvious hurt feelings, but every once in a while we have to be a little more firm. If you're not clued in enough to pick up on social cues we're really not interested.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We try to be friendly with everyone (some are easier to be friendly with than others). You never know when the couple you think you are not attracted to might be the perfect match. Pictures cannot and will not ever be able to capture a persons personality (which is why we recommend moving from talking and texting online to meeting IRL rather quickly since you will find out more about them in 5 minutes than you would ever find out online).

 

There was this one couple that didn't have the best pictures (they, like us, were just starting out and afraid that they might be recognized by friends/family/coworkers), but we still choose to have dinner and just see what they were like...it's been well over 10 years since then and we're still getting together on a regular basis. So, you never know which couple might be the match you are looking for...

[cplnluv1 872]

When we first started searching for a unicorn Alan joined some sexually oriented sites including one where potentials were looking for something in return. He was contacted by someone our age who sent a clothes picture, something we wanted, we never responded to anyone who starts with nude pictures. Our big problem, she lived far from us, too far. 
He suggested I correspond with her, women respond differently with other women. I found out she had plenty of baggage, trouble with family, trouble with boyfriends, abusive friends. I knew from a very early stage we were never going to meet her and I continued to message her. She sent me pictures that were different, 30 pounds different. She told me about men she was going to meet, men she met. Every meeting was the same, the men wanted one thing of course, and never contacted her again. 
I finally stopped writing when her messages became political. 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

To the OP, my interpretation is, fundamentally, you and your wife have different on-line agendas.

 

Your wife's on-line agenda is to find potential sex partners. Your agenda is to make on-line friends, with the possibility of finding sex partners. I think therein lies the rub.

 

Leading people on only happens when we send mixed or confusing signals; when we fail to communicate our feelings clearly and directly.

 

The way you avoid unintentionally leading people on is to be up-front and direct (in a nice way, of course) about your feelings. In our case, we try to cut to the chase as soon as we arrive at a firm decision. Typically, we say something along the lines of, "We're happy to have had the opportunity to get to know you both better. Sexual chemistry is a funny thing--it's either there or it isn't. In this case, we're just not feeling it. And we'd rather tell you that up-front rather than to keep you guessing. Good luck and happy hunting."

 

More food for thought:

 

I think some people avoid being direct because they want to be liked and they equate straightforward, unambiguous communication with confrontation and are afraid they will anger or upset the people they are rejecting. Unfortunately, you can only control your messaging--but not how it is going to be received. For most people, rejection is not pleasant, but it's not that big of a deal. However, some people will be genuinely upset by it. We don't dwell on that possibility because it isn't something we can control. That's on them, not us. And if they cannot handle rejection well, they probably aren't long for the lifestyle because rejection is an unavoidable part of it.

 

 

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

Managing expectations--yours and others'--is a social skill necessary in and out of the LS--but perhaps more especially in the LS. The nice thing about the LS is that candor is not only appreciated but also in fact expected. That does not negate the need for social graces--in fact that candor raises the bar. As AndrewandAnn--and others--have remarked, rejection is by far the most common response and if you are going to be in the LS, it's important both to accept rejection gracefully and give rejection gracefully.  

 

Learning to read "no thank you", learning to say "no thank you",  all the while ensuring that those expressions are unambiguous yet feel non-confrontational---all of that is hard. 

 

It is always appropriate to be respectful and courteous. It is always appropriate to be friendly provided that those signals are not misinterpreted. We learned a great deal about how to read people, listen to people, and gauge intentions when we attended our first clothing-optional resort. Some were there simply to enjoy social nudity, some were there because LS people were also welcomed. All were gregarious and all were enjoying their clothes-free status. We made friends with with groups, and at the same time needed to learn different sensitivities. 

[njbm 2,871]

There are some LS people only on the clock to score. Others enjoy meeting and talking even if it does not lead to sex.Or can meet socially without expecting it to go to sex everytime. It is a diplomatic effort. Honesty is the best policy. 

[enhancer 1,585]

We are with your wife on this one!  If we are not interested in someone online then we are not going to waste their time or our time with small talk on line or through texts.  A simple sorry we are not interested will do.  Anything more can to some people come across as us being interested in them.
 

We are not looking for new chat buddies when we are online!  We are looking for compatible play partners.  We have plenty of friends to chat with when we feel the want to. 

When we first started out with online searches we would spend more time chatting back and forth with people only to finally figure out nothing, but chatting is going to come out of it.  Most of the time it would just be the husband who would be interested and want to talk, with his wife either not aware or not interested. We have better things to do with our time then waste it like that.

 

All of our actual experiences from online meetings happened with people like ourselves who had good pictures of both them on their profile and well written clear descriptions of what they are looking for.   There was always quick face pic exchanges and plans for a no pressure meeting in person fairly quickly to see if we are all on the same page.  That is the only way we do it now and why to us a person’s profile and what they do and do not put in it is going to be the difference between us meeting or not meeting.  

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Added to what we said above: we are looking for people that we are compatible with and share common interests to become FWB. Towards this goal, we believe in a non-sexual meeting rather quickly (dinner or drinks) to see if 1: What they said in their profile is accurate 2: If there is any mutual attraction 3: If we have common interests 4: If they are both interested in this and not one of them just doing it for the other (taking one for the team). Once we meet IRL, we (as in both couples) can decide if we want to continue communicating. If either couple isn't interested then we (or they) say a polite thank you but we're not interested. We already have plenty of vanilla friends, what we are looking for is new friends that we can see naked and touch. If we wanted more online friends, we would be more active in Facebook.