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PlaytimeWifey

The thing is... he told her he loved her.

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Hi there,

 

I'll try to keep this brief. Hubby and I opened our 17 year marriage about 4 months ago. We had been swinging on and off for 5 years. We discussed that if either of us met someone and developed feelings that we would be ok with them pursuing that poly relationship. 

 

Well, I found him a lovely woman who is a great match for him right at the beginning of opening up. I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he was falling in love with her. He said...with conviction...no. OK then. One week later he totally blindsided me telling me that he told her he loves her. I was VERY unprepared for it. I became very emotional. He said that he was lying to himself and denying the feelings he was having and not trying to deceive me (I 100% believe him). 

 

I believe in polyamory and hope to find a poly relationship for myself in the future, but now I'm finding myself super jealous of this relationship and I didn't see it coming (the jealousy). I used to get so excited hearing about the time he spent with her but now it upsets me. When it was "just sex" I was fine. What's wrong with me? Has anyone else navigated this successfully? I'm really hoping this is just a bump in the road. 

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From my experience love is not a finite thing.

I love my wife. I fell into love with another lady.

They were friends.

My lover recently died. Both of us mourn her passing.

 

Our relationship enriched that between my wife and myself.

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I'm so sorry to hear that. My condolences. 

 

I completely agree which is why I don't understand this jealousy kicking in. ?

 

I am friends with her and I like her and enjoy her company. We have met without my hubby. She's great. 

 

I'm just wondering if it's 40 years of "monogamy training." This is all so new to us. 

 

16 minutes ago, lcmim said:

From my experience love is not a finite thing.

I love my wife. I fell into love with another lady.

They were friends.

My lover recently died. Both of us mourn her passing.

 

Our relationship enriched that between my wife and myself.

 

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On 8/1/2021 at 2:43 PM, PlaytimeWifey said:

What's wrong with me?

Absolutely nothing is wrong with you.  There are emotions in all of this, something that has to be dealt with, but it is part of the adventure.  My wife and I agree that it is worth it.

 

On 8/1/2021 at 2:43 PM, PlaytimeWifey said:

Has anyone else navigated this successfully?

I would say that my wife and I have.  Both of us have fallen in love with other people - my wife with a married couple, I with another wife, her husband knows.  I agree that

 

On 8/1/2021 at 6:05 PM, lcmim said:

love is not a finite thing.

Our other lovers and swinging sex partners have enhanced our love between us.  I prefer that my wife is involved with another man, another couple, who genuinely care for her.  It is the highest praise she can be given and an honor to me - someone who doesn't see her as only a sexual outlet.

 

My suggestion: spend time with her, spend time with them together.  Perhaps when and if it feels right, join them for sex, or have her join you and your husband when you have sex.  It doesn't need to be a threesome, or even same room, but a weekend away where he is shared.  Understanding what she sees in him and he in her will give you a tremendous understanding of them and yourself. 

 

Both Daniela and I having been through it both ways a couple of times, these things burn out or slow to a smolder eventually.  And that is actually the greater disappointment to the spouse who has been watching it all play out.

 

Good luck and keep us updated. 

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We've always defined our swinging play as simply being extra curricular sexual activities. And that's where the boundary has stayed. Sure, emotions are intractably connected to sex. But, those emotions are fleeting. Genuine love is not to be confused with short-term sexual gratification.

 

Opening up a relationship to a "poly" construct creates, by definition, an attachment with another person/other people that goes beyond the sex. It appears you were not only in favor of this, but you were an architect of it, going so far as to have "... found this lovely woman for him".

 

Now, it sounds as though you are having a crisis of confidence; feeling that perhaps you really are not ready to share your husband, on all levels, with another woman. A very understandable reaction.

 

Remember. You always have choices:

 

You can chalk this up to simple jealousy and continue on with your poly lifestyle. If you decide this course, I strongly suggest befriending other people involved in poly relationships so you can get some first-hand advice on how to manage these kinds of emotional issues. This is not going to be the last time these feelings crop up.

 

 Or, you may use this opportunity to re-think your poly ambitions. You wouldn't be the first couple to come to the realization that adding a third person into your relationship can create a very complex and difficult to navigate emotional landscape.

 

Best of luck,

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20 hours ago, PlaytimeWifey said:

now I'm finding myself super jealous of this relationship and I didn't see it coming (the jealousy).

When I started letting hubby play with other women after two years of me having a boyfriend, I was tremendously jealous.  But you know what?  I couldn't wait for him to do it again.  I still get jealous, but I am now addicted to the feeling and the process of resolving it, and can't wait for the cycle to start again.  If all goes well, you will as well.

 

The biggest question is how is your husband treating you?  If he is treating you as well, or even better for you having given him this gift, there is nothing to worry about.  Be flattered that she thinks so highly of your choice in a spouse.

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