Older swingers and effects of swinging on their marriage

[Juliet 2]

Hello, long time lurker here, married many decades, long interest in lifestyle. Wife has posed many questions to me about lifestyle that I have not been able to answer. Once you have begun to swing how has it affected your marriage? Do you find that over time that you lose intimacy? I have noticed people seem to start swinging and then they seem to disappear. I realize that this is something to be carefully navigated as a couple but is this a recipe for a divorce? There is so much misinformation on the net as many of the sources have agendas. I truly love my wife and am very sexually attracted to her and do not want to destroy something precious.  I would love to hear about successful long married long swinging couples who remain highly in love and continue to enjoy sex with each other and carefully selected friends.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Sounds like a simple question but it really encompasses a great number of things here. (side note: whenever I think about simple questions I remember my HS philosophy class where we had a test that was one question...describe the universe and give two examples - that test was also graded on a curve ).

 

First: we are here to answer questions so feel free to keep asking them as you decide what to do. Most swingers, at least the successful ones, have an 'above average' relationship with their partner. This means an abundance of love, trust and communication (you can never have too much of any of these). Couples that think swinging will save a failing relationship are usually disappointed. Swinging is like a magnifying glass: if the relationship is really good and strong, it will make it better and stronger. If it has flaws, it will make those flaws more apparent and larger. We refer to it as the sprinkles on the ice cream sundae. Not something that would be missed if they weren't there, but that little bit more when they are. It's always important to start with a great relationship. Remember you two are a team and that swinging is a team sport. If you don't trust your partner with your life, then maybe you should try to figure out why instead of trying to swing.

 

As for swingers, there are two types (IOHO). What we call quality (as in FWB) and quantity (as in one and done). Personally we are the first meaning we are looking for other couples that we can be friends with, do things with (concerts, trips, dinners, etc) that sometimes are vanilla and sometimes involve playing together. There are just as many swingers that are looking for playing with another couple only once (give or take) either at a club, house party, event, etc. There is no right or wrong here, just whatever you two decide to do.

 

As for intimacy, it usually increases it since this is something that you are doing together. It just seems like we value each other more knowing that we can do and say anything to each other and we don't have to fear their response. We are literally living out our fantasies together, I mean, how hot is that?!! Usually after playing with another couple, there's something called 're-connection sex' where you re-connect with your partner that is usually as good, if not better, than what happened with the other couple. So I would say it increases intimacy (see our tag line: when you don't have to lie about sex...).

 

As for disappearing, there's a bunch of things that can cause that. Either a couple finds what they are looking for (as in another couple that they connect with) and don't need to stay connected with the community or they get older and start slowing down or they find that they have fulfilled these fantasies and move on to other fantasies. We have been doing this for almost ten years, but only with a few different couples (the last eight with one couple in particular). We have had a fantastic time...being able to go to concerts, vacations, dinners, even just visiting. It's one thing to have friends, but when is the last time you saw your friends naked? When is the last time you talked with your friends about sex? When was the last time you watched your friend kissing your partner while you are kissing theirs and thought how hot that was and how lucky you are? I'm getting long winded so I'll end this (for now) here. Next question...

[PeterJ 948]

Over the past couple of decades there have been numerous lengthy threads on probably every question you’ve had regarding swinging. Time spent browsing will be well rewarded, though you’ll find that often there are divergent opinions on almost every subject. You’ll need to be able to discern what’s (from your perspective) wheat and what’s chaff.

 

Your concern as someone seriously contemplating becoming involved in the lifestyle for the potential negative impact of swinging on the durability of your marriage is understandable and not uncommon. (When my first wife and I investigated becoming swingers in the 1970s, the way too common "wisdom" was that swinging was the relationship equivalent of driving drunk at 120 mph on bad tires. That, plus being consumed with post-grad professional education and the logistical challenges in the pre-internet age, dissuaded us from taking the plunge. To my lasting sadness; I’m confident we’d have done just fine.)

 

If you follow the advice you’ll find in historic threads and from current active members, to constantly communicate with one another and move no faster than either of you is comfortable, you will maximize the likelihood of having positive swinging experiences that enhance rather than harm your relationship with one another.