Choking and Spanking

[samandtammi 99]

I am not new to the lifestyle and have had many fabulous experiences with both men and women.  I have had several experiences lately and would love some feedback.  While playing with new male partners, one took me by surprise when he started spanking may ass while we were playing.  At first I thought ok, no harm in this, but then it got harder and harder.  I gently pushed his hand away several times but he kept on smacking.  I am really not into this so for me it was a turn off.  

 

Second guy is playing nicely but then gets on top and puts his hand around my throat.  I moved his hand off my throat but he kept going back to it.   Again, not my thing.

 

So...

1.  I am wondering how others would handle this

2.  Both men were young, 30s?  Is this something they learn watching porn or are women actually wanting this?

 

I'm just curious.  I tend to play with men who are 45+ so I wondered if this was an age thing.

Thanks!  

[christnthms 326]

This is a pretty common "like" by women, in my experience. I'm not a choker or hitter by natural inclination. But I've learned to play along when requested. I think it's the kind of thing that really requires a comfort level and boundaries, though.  

 

As a personal guideline, I never, ever, choke unless it is specifically requested. 

A light smack on the ass is sufficient to test those waters. If she likes it, you'll get pretty direct positive feedback. If she doesn't respond, then it's probably not helping.  

 

As a guy, I kind of work off the assumption that the better I make it for her, the better it will be for me. Even in a very casual situation, this has been true for me. 

[Lionheart72 2,191]

Given that they jut did, rather than asked, I'm inclined to say it's a porn thing, It's definitely a BDSM thing, but most serious BDSM folks I've known would ask before play starts.

 

My advice is don't be afraid to speak up. Gently moving a guys hand away is one thing but just flat out telling him, "hey, I'm not into that, please don't do it again" is probably more effective. There is nothing wrong with giving a guy a little direction or with telling him to stop if he crosses a line, any line, for you.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Mrs ID and I were into BDSM way before we started swinging. Under no circumstance would we EVER do that without permission. It's not acceptable-period. 

A love pat on the butt once or twice is on thing. And choking is something I don't like to do because of the risks involved. Anything with rough play requires a negotiated scene before hand. 

As @christnthms said if I make it better for her I have an even better time.

And as @Lionheart72 mentioned a little direction is a good thing. 

[njbm 2,903]

Choking seems dangerous. I couldn’t do it even if it was requested. 
Slapping an ass seems somewhat popular. Again, not my thing. 
We have seen some shockingly hard ass slapping at house parties. A little scary. 

[samandtammi 99]

Thanks for the responses.  I felt disrespected in both instances.  I'm not a prude (lol, not by a long shot), but

my husband would NEVER touch a woman in a way like that.  I thought guiding their hands away would give 

them the signal without having to alert others, but I guess not.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

4 hours ago, samandtammi said:

Thanks for the responses.  I felt disrespected in both instances.  I'm not a prude (lol, not by a long shot), but

my husband would NEVER touch a woman in a way like that.  I thought guiding their hands away would give 

them the signal without having to alert others, but I guess not.

 

The problem with signals is they can be missed, misunderstood or (unfortunately) deliberately ignored. A clear statement often works better and sometimes "alerting others" is exactly what is needed. 

 

At every swingers club I've ever attended, "No means no" is posted clearly and visibly on multiple signs in almost every room. Swingers, as a group, had a pretty good concept of "consent culture" long before it became mainstream. That's always made me a little proud to be part of this community of "sex perverts."

[J&Wu 411]

2 hours ago, Lionheart72 said:

 

The problem with signals is they can be missed, misunderstood or (unfortunately) deliberately ignored. A clear statement often works better and sometimes "alerting others" is exactly what is needed. 

 

At every swingers club I've ever attended, "No means no" is posted clearly and visibly on multiple signs in almost every room. Swingers, as a group, had a pretty good concept of "consent culture" long before it became mainstream. That's always made me a little proud to be part of this community of "sex perverts."

Verbal alerts everyone in hearing range. A couple years ago I heard, "you are hurting me," from an adjoining room. It got repeated in a tone that did not sound like play so I checked it out and offered her an alternative that changed the direction of what was going on. Win win for both of us and the other guys eased off on her.

Edited September 7, 2021 by J&Wu

[njbm 2,903]

Were they hurting your wife/partner, J & Wu? We try to stay in the same room for that reason, unless we are pretty familar with the other players. 

[discreetplay 235]

Yeah, that's just wrong. Sorry. 

 

I've never understood the spanking angle. I don't get it. Choking is well beyond my comprehension. I can't imagine how a man would treat another man's wife like that without detailed discussions over dinner/drinks prior to being in the bedroom. 

 

As a man, I've always viewed being with another man's wife as a honor the couple bestowed on me. It is something I don't take lightly. Yes, there are couples we've encountered who seem to be in it for themselves but the ones we match well with are the ones who want to see their wife get pleased. Watching them get smacked hard and/or choked isn't pleasurable for the couples we spend naked time with.

 

We haven't encountered it yet but I'll say this...if another man who was granted the pleasure of being with my wife spanked her without the prior discussion there would be an immediate end to the encounter. She'd stop whatever was happening. If things started up again and he spanked her again, she'd deck him.

 

As for choking, the second another man's hands went to her neck, he'd be choked out, and would wake up in naked in the hallway of the hotel.

 

Edited September 7, 2021 by discreetplay

[enhancer 1,586]

Smacking a woman’s ass or chocking them without them saying that is something they enjoy is not cool in anyway!  I have no clue on why any guy would think it is okay to treat women with such little respect.  I don’t think porn helps in this regard, because treating women like shit is the norm for that platform which is unfortunate. 
 

Any guy smacks Missus E anywhere and they are going to find that any fun they were thinking they were going to have with her is going to end immediately.  Any guy that tried to choke her would find themselves being physically thrown out the door by me.

 

This is one of the reasons we totally avoid any guy that mentions anything about being a Dom or liking it rough!  Women have all the control and say in this lifestyle.  Any guy that has a problem with that can fuck off.

[samandtammi 99]

The funny thing is that the spanker we spent a good deal of time with that night talking at the bar in a swing club.  He was actually very shy, his wife was the more outgoing. That was one of the reasons it took me totally by surprise.  I'm usually a good judge of character.  

 

The choker we met while in the playroom of same swing club, different night.  He was also a bit quiet, his wife was the one pursuing us.  My husband seemed to be completely unaware both times but I informed him that he needs to be more tuned in in the future.  Lucky for them both, I was not drunk because i"m not as easy going when I am.  

 

I appreciate the responses, I did feel very disrespected and wanted to hear how I should have handled it.  Next time I'll deck the guy! (Just kidding) 

[Lionheart72 2,191]

2 hours ago, discreetplay said:

I've never understood the spanking angle. I don't get it. Choking is well beyond my comprehension.

Topic drift...

 

My wife really enjoys spanking and light impact play generally. She describes it as "thuddy" and like a deep, intense massage.

 

One of my play partners enjoyed choking. She believed it was because when she was young and learning about sex, one of her partners inadvertently pinned cord around her neck shortly before orgasm, and she found the loss of air added to the intensity of experience.  Of course, she also enjoyed all manner of rough play, some of which I was ok with and some of which was beyond my comfort zone. We actually had a very long online chat discussion about likes, dislikes, and soft and hard limits... "So, when you say you like being slapped, what does that mean?" ... hell of a discussion but very, very valuable.

 

16 minutes ago, samandtammi said:

He was actually very shy

It's always the quiet ones.

 

Actually, speaking as a quiet guy with an outgoing wife and a kinky side, there is probably some truth behind that joke. We can hide a lot behind that quiet face and, more, when we let go and open up sometimes it's too far and too fast. Not excusing what he did by any means, just saying... us quiet guys are sometimes hiding things, sometimes even from ourselves.

[Anon321 524]

My GF loves both spanking and choking.  I am fine doing some spanking on her but choking is just not my thing.  If you don't lay down the rules beforehand then some guys will try to push things and that is usually ok (in my opinion) as they are trying to learn and figure out what you like.  What is not ok is when a guy tries to push the limits and the woman tells him no or signals no.  That is not ok and that is a person who you should stop and not engage with again.

 

And yes I think a lot of the younger guys see this in porn and that's where they learn it.  Porn is definitely more rough sex with humiliation and domination nowadays.  My friends are young and I see the kind of porn they watch and how they prefer to fuck and there is a correlation.  Fortunately my GF enjoys the rough stuff so it ends up working out for everyone but I was never into the rough porn and am not a rough lover.

[samandtammi 99]

Just as a side not, hair pulling is not ok either.  I have had some men grab me by the back of my hair and pull.  I for some reason had no trouble telling them to stop.  

I love all the caring responses from you guys, reminds me why I love the lifestyle!  

 

What's the verdict on hair pulling?  Again, seems like a porn thing...

[njbm 2,903]

On the site SDC, one of the self descriptions is “pull the reins and let’s go.” I see it posted alot. Again, never did it, never would. If done to my wife, I predict that she would ask them to stop and if happened again, she might pull something on them. 

Edited September 8, 2021 by njbm

[TricianMike 788]

Don’t ever choke me!  I see nothing pleasurable about almost dying. No hair pulling either. Spanking can be part of sex not an act in itself. I don’t think I ever told a partner to spank me during sex, it just happens and can heighten an orgasm. 

[Anon321 524]

2 hours ago, samandtammi said:

Just as a side not, hair pulling is not ok either.  I have had some men grab me by the back of my hair and pull.  I for some reason had no trouble telling them to stop.  

I love all the caring responses from you guys, reminds me why I love the lifestyle!  

 

What's the verdict on hair pulling?  Again, seems like a porn thing...

I think the hair pulling plays into that rough sex porno thing as well.  Rough sex has really gone mainstream in porn I think.  My opinion is to just lay down the rules.  If you don't lay down the rules beforehand then I think you have to be willing to give guys a little bit of wiggle room as they might try some different things to see what you like and don't like.  But once you tell them no or signal them to stop and they continue - that should be the end of it.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

2 hours ago, samandtammi said:

What's the verdict on hair pulling?  Again, seems like a porn thing...

I going to guess yes.

 

... trigger warning, my musings from here end up in dark place ...

 

I think porn has a lot to answer for. For example, I honestly don't think anal sex would be as popular among straight people if it wasn't for porn. It wasn't a regular thing, even in porn, when I was in my 20's. It seems like porn film makers feel the need to constantly escalate to shock and titillate an increasingly jaded public. Nudity isn't enough, go with explicate sex, Explicate sex isn't enough, introduce gymnastic positions, facial cum shots, group sex. Not enough, how about the largest gang bang in history! Interracial. Asian. Bukkake! Something you can do at home... anal sex! BDSM! Rough sex! Humiliation! "Consensual non-consent!"

 

With every escalation, some 20-something who ought to know better decides he wants to try That...

 

Unfortunately, at this point at lot of this stuff has reached a point where there is a right way and wrong way to do it and the wrong way risks increasingly serious harm. Bad vaginal sex can be pretty bad. Bad anal sex can be extremely painful and potentially damaging, Bad BDSM can actually do serious, potentially long term, injury and failing to communicate perfectly in a "consensual non-consent" scenario can be just plain rape.

 

In a society that is just beginning the grasp the concept of consent, porn has already pushed us in territory we should not be going without a lot more social growth. Unfortunately, for mainstream America anyway, sex remains something dark and shameful and we are all the worse for it.

 

My $.02, take it for what it's worth. I now return you to your regularly scheduled discussion.

[lovefest04 701]

At the core these issues are all about respect and communication.

 

No respectful person would borrow a neighbors Porsche for the afternoon and proceed to take it to the 1/4 mile track, then 4 wheeling in the dunes and finally pull a Duke's of Hazzard jump over a bridge before returning it.

 

We all understand that our wives and husbands are not property, but the same holds true. I agree with a previous post. When I share my wife and vis-a-versa, and when I'm provided the opportunity to play with another mans wife...it goes without saying that respect and gratitude are paramount. Yes, if a person asked to be spanked, that's okay, but only because their was communication.

 

The guys who perpetrated these aggressive and dis-respectful acts don't get it. They don't understand the lifestyle. They were there to get laid and acted just as they have at their college keggers. They probably couldn't believe their luck, that there are places that they can carry out their Rape fantasies without the possibility of a jail sentence.

 

 

[christnthms 326]

Consent and respect are a must... 

But there's a lot of judging here, that's surprising in this community. Lots of people enjoy very rough sex, and it has nothing to do with disrespect or violating trust. In fact, in many cases, it is an extreme expression of trust.  

 

I mean, the entire BDSM scene is an extreme expression of trust. You guys get that, right? I know it's not for everyone, and that communication and consent is key. But enjoying rough sex is NOT intrinsically disrespectful or dangerous.  

[NoAngels 350]

I could never choke anyone period. 
Have been with women that like hair pulling and can’t bring myself to pull hard. Spanking depends on the lady and her wishes as I never understood the pain and sex relation til a partner did something just as I was cumming. It was strange and a different feeling. 

[Lionheart72 2,191]

11 hours ago, christnthms said:

I mean, the entire BDSM scene is an extreme expression of trust. You guys get that, right? I know it's not for everyone, and that communication and consent is key. But enjoying rough sex is NOT intrinsically disrespectful or dangerous.  

Disrespectful, no quite the opposite. Dangerous, potentially but in the way any hard contact sport is potentially dangerous.

 

For people interested in learning more about BDSM, I would actually highly recommend Stjepan Sejic's graphic novel series Sunstone (great sex positive love story, great art and a lot of "this is what BDSM is really like"), but I'm a geek.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I think it's an "age thing" in the sense that more women are aware they like it because there's more mainstream exploration and discussion in recent years. Many women not only like it but expect it, and get bored without it - yet often won't ask for it directly. It is common enough - and the women who like it like it strongly enough - that some less experienced guys may not understand that not all women are wired the same and that many/most do not experience it as a good thing.

 

That, or they're just using dominance as a cover for being an asshole.

 

At least with the first guy, the confusion might be that many women enjoy in a form of BDSM that involves talking back and resisting for the purpose of encouraging a dom to subdue you. He started slow but easily may have misunderstood that you were signaling that you wanted him to stop, and instead thought you were being playful by pushing him away. It does smack of a lack of experience on his part, not knowing how to ask, how to read the situation, how to check in and see if you're getting what you want.

 

Communicate clearly that you don't like it and do not want to play like that. If he won't continue without it, you didn't want to play with him after all. It's OK to stop.

 

On choking, the second guy is just totally and unequivocally in the wrong. So-called "breath play" (it's choking, let's call it choking, I don't know why people need cutesy terms for it) is an advanced form of BDSM. There's no excuse for grabbing somebody in a way that could be misunderstood as strangulation before determining if they're into it and  have explicitly consented.

 

11 hours ago, NoAngels said:

I could never choke anyone period. 
Have been with women that like hair pulling and can’t bring myself to pull hard. Spanking depends on the lady and her wishes as I never understood the pain and sex relation til a partner did something just as I was cumming. It was strange and a different feeling. 

 

In my younger, single days, I was with a couple of women who enjoyed choking but stopped entirely because the last had no brakes. It can be (literally) addictive for the recipient and when I'd release pressure, she'd grab my hands and frantically try to make me squeeze again, and harder. There was never going to be a safe word, and she was never going to say "no" when I asked if she was OK.

 

I enjoyed it because the partners enjoyed it, but when I realized how deep this goes for people who want it, I concluded that helping women explore this was not something I wanted. Just because somebody's going to find a way to overdose doesn't mean I should sell the drugs to them.

 

Hair pulling, slapping, spanking, etc., all fine. There are also ways to hold someone near the neck which simulate the restraint and dominance of choking without the pressure and are just as exciting for those who are genuinely after submission, rather than the choking. It's not necessary to apply pressure to do that. Some women enjoy the feeling of a hand on their neck and find it calming, but even that should be gently verbalized before trying it.

 

Ironically, this thread caught my attention because I returned from a getaway with a sub yesterday, who is still learning what she likes. She did ask about choking, explicitly. I explained to her why I won't do it, and after reflecting on it, she thanked me. Dominance play is about being trusted to take responsibility for some of the most sensitive and embarrassing parts of a sub's needs. She could see herself in the story and was grateful to be told "no", which I think was a very positive sign that she's exploring in a mature way and understands the role of trust.

Edited September 9, 2021 by EastInWest

[samandtammi 99]

13 hours ago, christnthms said:

Consent and respect are a must... 

But there's a lot of judging here, that's surprising in this community. Lots of people enjoy very rough sex, and it has nothing to do with disrespect or violating trust. In fact, in many cases, it is an extreme expression of trust.  

 

I mean, the entire BDSM scene is an extreme expression of trust. You guys get that, right? I know it's not for everyone, and that communication and consent is key. But enjoying rough sex is NOT intrinsically disrespectful or dangerous.  

I understand what you are saying but my problem was that 2 different men, simply assumed that this was something I was into.  When I tried to show them that this was not ok by pushing their hand away, they continued as though I had no say.  That in my mind is disrespectful.  

[EastInWest 1,524]

9 minutes ago, samandtammi said:

I understand what you are saying but my problem was that 2 different men, simply assumed that this was something I was into.  When I tried to show them that this was not ok by pushing their hand away, they continued as though I had no say.  That in my mind is disrespectful.  

"I do not like rough sex. I am not here as a submissive. If I push your hand away, it's not brat play. it's because what you're doing feels unpleasant. If you need that, this session has to end immediately."

 

With a strange partner, it might not hurt to even say that in advance, if you have any doubts about their intentions.

 

I do agree with christnthms that there can be a surprising amount of judgment about this on this forum, but I think part of it is because of negative experiences with clumsy partners like this spoiling the fun for others. Maybe a good rule of thumb that young men who are trying to learn this should start with is that if the two of you haven't explicitly discussed a safe word, there's absolutely no excuse for failing to recognize that all forms of resistance are the safe word.

[Anon321 524]

4 hours ago, EastInWest said:

I think it's an "age thing" in the sense that more women are aware they like it because there's more mainstream exploration and discussion in recent years. Many women not only like it but expect it, and get bored without it - yet often won't ask for it directly. It is common enough - and the women who like it like it strongly enough - that some less experienced guys may not understand that not all women are wired the same and that many/most do not experience it as a good thing.

 

That, or they're just using dominance as a cover for being an asshole.

 

At least with the first guy, the confusion might be that many women enjoy in a form of BDSM that involves talking back and resisting for the purpose of encouraging a dom to subdue you. He started slow but easily may have misunderstood that you were signaling that you wanted him to stop, and instead thought you were being playful by pushing him away. It does smack of a lack of experience on his part, not knowing how to ask, how to read the situation, how to check in and see if you're getting what you want.

 

Communicate clearly that you don't like it and do not want to play like that. If he won't continue without it, you didn't want to play with him after all. It's OK to stop.

 

On choking, the second guy is just totally and unequivocally in the wrong. So-called "breath play" (it's choking, let's call it choking, I don't know why people need cutesy terms for it) is an advanced form of BDSM. There's no excuse for grabbing somebody in a way that could be misunderstood as strangulation before determining if they're into it and  have explicitly consented.

 

 

In my younger, single days, I was with a couple of women who enjoyed choking but stopped entirely because the last had no brakes. It can be (literally) addictive for the recipient and when I'd release pressure, she'd grab my hands and frantically try to make me squeeze again, and harder. There was never going to be a safe word, and she was never going to say "no" when I asked if she was OK.

 

I enjoyed it because the partners enjoyed it, but when I realized how deep this goes for people who want it, I concluded that helping women explore this was not something I wanted. Just because somebody's going to find a way to overdose doesn't mean I should sell the drugs to them.

 

Hair pulling, slapping, spanking, etc., all fine. There are also ways to hold someone near the neck which simulate the restraint and dominance of choking without the pressure and are just as exciting for those who are genuinely after submission, rather than the choking. It's not necessary to apply pressure to do that. Some women enjoy the feeling of a hand on their neck and find it calming, but even that should be gently verbalized before trying it.

 

Ironically, this thread caught my attention because I returned from a getaway with a sub yesterday, who is still learning what she likes. She did ask about choking, explicitly. I explained to her why I won't do it, and after reflecting on it, she thanked me. Dominance play is about being trusted to take responsibility for some of the most sensitive and embarrassing parts of a sub's needs. She could see herself in the story and was grateful to be told "no", which I think was a very positive sign that she's exploring in a mature way and understands the role of trust.

Based on personal experience I agree with all of this.

[Anon321 524]

3 hours ago, EastInWest said:

"I do not like rough sex. I am not here as a submissive. If I push your hand away, it's not brat play. it's because what you're doing feels unpleasant. If you need that, this session has to end immediately."

 

With a strange partner, it might not hurt to even say that in advance, if you have any doubts about their intentions.

 

I do agree with christnthms that there can be a surprising amount of judgment about this on this forum, but I think part of it is because of negative experiences with clumsy partners like this spoiling the fun for others. Maybe a good rule of thumb that young men who are trying to learn this should start with is that if the two of you haven't explicitly discussed a safe word, there's absolutely no excuse for failing to recognize that all forms of resistance are the safe word.

I agree with this.  The most effective form of communication in these scenarios is verbal communication.  Signaling that you don't like something should be good enough but saying that you don't like something is very cut and clear.  If you're not going to discuss it beforehand then a safe word is a must (even if you do discuss it I would have a safe word).  My GF is really into the rough sex and I always advise on having at least 2 safe words/actions.  Have one safe word and then one safe tap.  The safe word could be anything and the tap could be something like hitting their leg 3 times.  This is because sometimes you might be gagged and unable to talk or you might be tied up and unable to tap.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

If you don't plan or anticipate that sex play is going to go into rough space - you certainly aren't agreeing upon a safe word. Frankly, if someone said my safe word is: xyz without any other discussion you  might just want to stop and chat about expectations.

 

That aside, in the midst of play many people don't want to rock the boat or unnecessarily bring play to a halt. Hence, moving hands and other subtle cues - polite hints. If the partner is too fucking dim or headstrong to obey those cues you may need a loud/ strong verbal correction - but at that point, in my opinion many people will have mentally checked out of the session because they have become so annoyed/ frustrated. Might as well wrap it up because it's going nowhere fast. The most you can accomplish at that point is reclaiming your power and being happy that you stopped it rather than feeling shitty that you allowed it to occur.

 

None of the above has anything to do with agreed upon BDSM play.

[njbm 2,903]

One female partner told me I wasn’t rough enough. Fitlake’s post above reminded me of it, because the play fizzled out at that point. Interestingly, we ran into her at a house party down the road and she apologized profusely to me. We did try again and it went better. No rough stuff, it’s not how I roll. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

 

2 hours ago, Fitlakecouple said:

If you don't plan or anticipate that sex play is going to go into rough space - you certainly aren't agreeing upon a safe word. Frankly, if someone said my safe word is: xyz without any other discussion you  might just want to stop and chat about expectations.

Yes. I was directing that more at any newbie guys who might find this thread in the future and benefit from the reminder (since this is a recurring topic): if there isn't a safe word, it's because you haven't discussed one.

 

If it's not been discussed, all disapproval should be treated as a safe word. It takes two or three seconds to check in and confirm that someone isn't liking something, versus two or three hours, days, or more for everyone to stop feeling shitty about an unpleasant and potentially upsetting experience.

Edited September 10, 2021 by EastInWest

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,423]

I didn't even know my wife liked being spanked on her ass til I saw the way she reacted when some other guy did it

[EastInWest 1,524]

2 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

I didn't even know my wife liked being spanked on her ass til I saw the way she reacted when some other guy did it

Did she, or was she just too shy to bring it up?

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,423]

1 hour ago, EastInWest said:

Did she, or was she just too shy to bring it up?

I don't think even she knew she liked being spanked before that

[christnthms 326]

On 9/9/2021 at 10:46 AM, samandtammi said:

I understand what you are saying but my problem was that 2 different men, simply assumed that this was something I was into.  When I tried to show them that this was not ok by pushing their hand away, they continued as though I had no say.  That in my mind is disrespectful.  

I 100% agree, and said nothing to the contrary. Consent is key to everything here, not just the spanking and choking. 

My point is that there is a strong "all rough sex is shameful and bad" vibe developing here, and that's just plain untrue. It is judgmental in exactly the same way that people here wouldn't tolerate if it were aimed at them. 

[TnA83 314]

On 9/9/2021 at 7:33 AM, EastInWest said:

 

 

Communicate clearly that you don't like it and do not want to play like that. If he won't continue without it, you didn't want to play with him after all. It's OK to stop.

 

The first offense would go something like this:  "Is that supposed to be sexy?"  

The second offense would elicit the safe word, "I think we're done here."

Edited September 11, 2021 by TnA83

[EastInWest 1,524]

18 hours ago, christnthms said:

I 100% agree, and said nothing to the contrary. Consent is key to everything here, not just the spanking and choking. 

My point is that there is a strong "all rough sex is shameful and bad" vibe developing here, and that's just plain untrue. It is judgmental in exactly the same way that people here wouldn't tolerate if it were aimed at them. 

There have been a few threads where people have had strongly divided reactions on this, mostly from women who are not into it and seem to find it objectionable that others are. That's OK. It's not everyone's job to keep track of everyone else's kinks.

 

However, Table 2 from a survey of 1,500 people in Quebec conducted by people who did make it their job are enlightening. Submission,  bondage, spanking, and whipping are at least in the same ballpark as the prevalence of swinging fantasies among women:

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/What-exactly-is-an-unusual-sexual-fantasy-Joyal-Cossette/9e3de3d5e2bb45bb2e362878911b60b711168700

 

It's OK to feel that way. It's also OK not to. I didn't think OP was trying to shame anyone, but genuinely trying to understand where this was coming from and how to address it. The important thing, in this thread, is that it's definitely not OK to assume that others are into it, and nobody's doing anything wrong by bluntly telling someone to knock it off.

 

I don't consider myself "a dom", but I'm more than happy to help women who want that. I also have lots of fun with women who don't. Mrs. E gets a day-long headache if her hair is pulled at all. On the other hand, sometimes we've been known to set up the wrist cuffs.

Edited September 11, 2021 by EastInWest

[couplers 4,724]

A guy has never been rough with me, but one man who I started a sexual relationship with pissed me off by repeatedly insulting my husband and his manhood.  They had met, so he knew I was married, that my husband knew about us and was good with it because hubby is generous to me.  Still when we were fucking, he insisted on asking that what kind of guy lets someone else fuck his wife, that my husband mustn't be as good, couldn't keep it up as long, had a small dick, all of which was the opposite in reality.  (After the first few times he also showed himself to be an inconsiderate lover, wanting blowjobs to completion and anal, never licking me and generally not thinking about my Os.)  Unbeknownst to him, I arranged what was to be our last time fucking.  After some quick oral on him, I had him fuck me in my pussy and I worked to cum quick before he did then insisted that he eat me to another orgasm.  He expected he was working his way to a blowjob then sticking it in my bum, but I got up, dressed and left.

Edited September 13, 2021 by couplers

[Anon321 524]

44 minutes ago, couplers said:

A guy has never been rough with me, but one man who I started a sexual relationship with pissed me off by repeatedly insulting my husband and his manhood.  They had met, so he knew I was married, that my husband knew about us and was good with it because hubby is generous to me.  Still when we were fucking, he insisted on asking that what kind of guy lets someone else fuck his wife, that my husband mustn't be as good, couldn't keep it up as long, had a small dick, all of which was the opposite in reality.  (After the first few times he also showed himself to be an inconsiderate lover, wanting blowjobs to completion and anal, never licking me and generally not thinking about my Os.)  Unbeknownst to him, I arranged what was to be our last time fucking.  After some quick oral on him, I had him fuck me in my pussy and I worked to cum quick before he did then insisted that he eat me to another orgasm.  He expected he was working his way to a blowjob then sticking it in my bum, but I got up, dressed and left.

I know exactly the kind of guy you're talking about.  I was a little put off at first by that type of person but quickly realized that they do that because they have some self esteem issues and are trying to have their ego fed.  Afterwards they ask my GF "was I better than your BF?  Am I bigger than your BF?  Does your BF last as long as me?  Did you ever do those things with your BF before?"

 

People like that have issues with their own self image so they have to pump up their egos during it by finding a way to put someone else down.  Then they spend their time wondering afterwards if they really were really any good or not.

[Playman64 205]

I’ve never been into the choking, butt I have always enjoyed spanking a woman’s ass in prelude to some hot assed anal.  

[couplers 4,724]

On 9/15/2021 at 10:07 AM, Playman64 said:

I have always enjoyed spanking a woman’s ass in prelude to some hot assed anal.

I like it when a guy kisses my ass, before and after doggy to show his appreciation.

[Playman64 205]

Just now, couplers said:

I like it when a guy kisses my ass, before and after doggy to show his appreciation.

Just kisses, no rimming ?

[couplers 4,724]

Just now, Playman64 said:

no rimming ?

No, none of us either way.

[samandtammi 99]

On 9/8/2021 at 9:10 PM, christnthms said:

But enjoying rough sex is NOT intrinsically disrespectful or dangerous.  

I never said enjoying rough sex is wrong.  I think consenting adults should do whatever turns them on (as long as nobody is hurt or put in danger).  However, rough sex, in my opinion, is just plain wrong if it is forced upon me without my consent.  I was taken by surprise both times and didn't enjoy either encounter.  Both of the men happen to be nice guys (have seen them both since) but I would not be willing to play with either in the future.

[christnthms 326]

On 9/30/2021 at 5:42 PM, samandtammi said:

I never said enjoying rough sex is wrong.  I think consenting adults should do whatever turns them on (as long as nobody is hurt or put in danger).  However, rough sex, in my opinion, is just plain wrong if it is forced upon me without my consent.  I was taken by surprise both times and didn't enjoy either encounter.  Both of the men happen to be nice guys (have seen them both since) but I would not be willing to play with either in the future.

You're taking my post out of context, which is odd since I provided context IN the post. You just chose not to quote that part. 

 

If you quote an entire post, it looks less like cherry picking and is less likely to be misunderstood. 

[Sophy 571]

Not choking and no hard spanking for me, after 8 years in the lifestyle we are ok with mostly everything except pain and dirty or unhealthy stuff.

[shy_couple 460]

Read through the responses and must admit that I was surprised that these were both married men.

 

We rarely have brought in a straight single guy here and there as a playmate but as we look at profiles these days most are self described bulls or looking for cuckold situations. We are just looking for a playmate. 
 

is it too much porn? Is this something their wives weren’t into? Now they are exploring this with a new playmate?

 

I sometimes enjoy a single smack on the butt or gently hair tugging in the heat of the moment but not choking and certainly not real pain. 

Not cool to make that assumption and then not take the hint when it didn’t go over well. 

 

 

[Anon321 524]

On 9/6/2021 at 8:38 AM, samandtammi said:

Both men were young, 30s?  Is this something they learn watching porn or are women actually wanting this?

The short answer is yes to both.  Rough sex is a common theme in porn nowadays.  And if you ask my GF she'll tell you that most women secretly want to be dominated, slapped, facefucked, humiliated, etc., but they're too afraid to act upon it or shy to say it.  She's pretty outgoing and even she gets shy about it.  Is it true that most women secretly desire that?  I have no idea.  From my experience I would say no just because my GF is the only person I've seen that is as deep into this type of play as she is.  But that doesn't mean she's wrong.  I think she is actually on to something.  I don't believe most women want to take it as far as my GF does (although some do) but I think there probably is a lot of women out there who want to be spanked and maybe even choked but are nervous or scared to say it or act upon it for a variety of different reasons.

[samandtammi 99]

On 9/11/2021 at 11:54 AM, EastInWest said:

 

 

 

It's OK to feel that way. It's also OK not to. I didn't think OP was trying to shame anyone, but genuinely trying to understand where this was coming from and how to address it. 

It was absolutely not my intent to shame anyone.  I think it's fine for people to enjoy whatever turns them on. I was honestly trying to understand why these men thought it was ok to behave this way.  And, I was trying to get some guidance  for the future on how to handle these situations!