New Couple Seeking MFM Advice

[Epiclouders 0]

Hello all,

 

I will do my best to keep this brief because I don't want to be too wordy. I have read many posts here to learn, but decided to finally post. We would appreciate your insight. 

 

My wife and I are both 50 and have no experience in the lifestyle. It started with us joking about upside-down pineapples and swingers. These jokes led to talking about our fantasies, which include MFM threesomes and led to incredible sex. We are now planning a visit to a club, and we’re even wanting to take a trip to Hedo for our anniversary this summer. 

 

While exploring our fantasies, our communication became wide-open. We learned that we both had fantasies about an MFM threesome. We had an FMF long ago, but it did not live up to the fantasy. Our fascination with MFM is that she would be the center of attention and I would really enjoy seeing another man and I overtake her. We joked about it, exchanged MFM pics via text, and even acted out the fantasy in the bedroom with toys and dirty talk.

 

Fast-forward a couple of months, we go out for dinner and drinks and both confessed that we really want to do this. She wants the first experience to be with a good friend of ours who lives out of state. He was my first choice too because I know he cares about both of us and would treat the matter with respect. This friend is adventurous and I think he would be up for it. We are rather nervous about it and wonder if we should arrange a one-night stand with a stranger first.

 

I’ve read about the pitfalls of playing with friends, but we both feel comfortable with him being our first. He is visiting in a few weeks and I’m going to take him out for drinks to feel him out with hints and jokes about sharing her. If he seems receptive, I’ll ask him outright. I’m confident if he says no, that it will not affect our friendship. If it does happen, I still don’t think it would affect anything because he is not part of our daily life and lives so far away. He would be an occasional playmate because we don’t see him that much. 

 

She is interested in eventually finding a “regular” male partner that we can spend weekends with. We don’t have an interest in playing with multiple strangers, nor do we want to go the poly route. 

 

As for us entering the lifestyle, she is not comfortable with me playing with another female for fear of being jealous. I realize that’s a normal emotion for beginners, and I will respect and honor her wishes. However, she has expressed interest in a female pleasing her if we played with a couple. Perhaps she will become more confident later, but me playing with other women is not the end goal.

 

We were drawn to the lifestyle because it seems that couples and the single men in it are respectful and understanding toward couples like us, at least from what I’ve read here. It seems we would have better luck finding a single-male playmate in the lifestyle rather than “in the wild”. 

 

So with all that said, here are my questions.

 

Are there other MFM-only couples in the lifestyle?

 

How receptive would other couples be to join us without me playing with the other wife? 

 

Are there couples whose wives would let their husband share an MFM, or is it best to stick with singles?

 

Would we be welcomed by those in the lifestyle and would we be part of the lifestyle being a MFM couple?

 

Should we arrange a one-night stand with a stranger to work out the nerves before playing with a friend or finding a "regular"?

 

Thank you for reading, and we look forward to hearing your opinions, stories, ideas, etc. Please be gentle...we're virgins. ?

 

[Fitlakecouple 451]

There are plenty of MFM only couples and yes you're welcome in the lifestyle if that is your play preference. I (we) personally suggest sticking with single guys just to keep things simple. The first time can be bumpy ( performance anxiety) so I'd begin with an experienced single guy. Get a few reps under your belt and figure out what works or does not work for you as a couple. Move on from there.

As far as playing with another couple - she can play with others and you can not? Seems a little one-sided, but that's your business. If you are content watching her in MF or FMF - cool. We have run across couples where the woman does not play with other men so you should be able to find them. Have fun.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

1 hour ago, Epiclouders said:

Are there other MFM-only couples in the lifestyle?

Short answer, yes. It has been my wife and I's preferred style of play at times. It's often easier to find a compatible match with one person than with two and single males are fairly easy to find (while single females are almost impossible to find).

 

1 hour ago, Epiclouders said:

How receptive would other couples be to join us without me playing with the other wife? 

That would depend entirely on the couple. Communication is key. You tell them that only your wife will be playing and they will tell you if they are OK with that. There will probably be some people who will turn you down at that point, but that's pretty much true of any hard limit. Be willing to accept rejection and understand that it isn't a reflection of your worth as a person or couple.

 

1 hour ago, Epiclouders said:

Are there couples whose wives would let their husband share an MFM, or is it best to stick with singles?

I'm sure there are. Like I said above, communication is key. Of course, as I also said above, single males are easy to find. Good single males maybe a little more difficult, but I'm sure there are lots of guys out there who would be happy to be with your wife. So, you might have an easier time looking for single guys. Depends on the dynamic in your area.

 

1 hour ago, Epiclouders said:

Would we be welcomed by those in the lifestyle and would we be part of the lifestyle being a MFM couple?

My experience is that lifestyle folks are pretty welcoming in general (though every subculture has it's snobs). You would certainly be welcomed in any club or community that includes single guys.

 

1 hour ago, Epiclouders said:

Should we arrange a one-night stand with a stranger to work out the nerves before playing with a friend or finding a "regular"?

Well, that is entirely up to you. I will confess, my wife and I always played with strangers and almost always one-night stands. Partly, there was a thrill in the novelty and partly was the simple fact that we were not looking for a regular... too much effort, We wanted one-night stands. Maintaining a relationship, even a purely sexual one, with someone is a lot of work, requiring a lot of time and energy. Maintaining a relationship with two people at once is exponentially more difficult. Not to say it can't be done... it can and it can be very rewarding when it goes well. It can also be very bad when it does wrong, just like any relationship.

 

Anyway, that's my $.02, Take it for what it's worth. Have fun!

[Epiclouders 0]

On 9/22/2021 at 6:08 PM, Fitlakecouple said:

There are plenty of MFM only couples and yes you're welcome in the lifestyle if that is your play preference. I (we) personally suggest sticking with single guys just to keep things simple. The first time can be bumpy ( performance anxiety) so I'd begin with an experienced single guy. Get a few reps under your belt and figure out what works or does not work for you as a couple. Move on from there.

As far as playing with another couple - she can play with others and you can not? Seems a little one-sided, but that's your business. If you are content watching her in MF or FMF - cool. We have run across couples where the woman does not play with other men so you should be able to find them. Have fun.

That's comforting to know that there are other MFM-only couples. I agree with finding an experienced single guy. I will have to check that section of the forums, but I assume clubs that allow single guys is the best place. 

 

I see your point about it being one-sided with me not being able to play with a woman. In has to do with the earlier FMF threesome because she had a rough time with the jealousy feeling. It was spontaneous and not planned out with rules like it should have been. One thing I've noticed about the lifestyle is that it is very female-driven and she sets the pace (or so it appears). It may come to a point where we work up to full swapping, but I don't want her to think that I'm agreeable to her playing with other men just so that I can play with other women. 

 

Thank you for sharing your insight!

 

[Epiclouders 0]

On 9/22/2021 at 7:21 PM, Lionheart72 said:

Anyway, that's my $.02, Take it for what it's worth. Have fun!

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It is very helpful receiving input from those experienced in the lifestyle.

 

When you say single males are easy to find, do you find yours at clubs? What has worked for you?

 

I agree, we would not want to waste a couple's time when we're not ready to play like that. We'll be upfront in case they're interested in playing that night. I hope we can befriend some couples who can guide us through this.

 

I never thought about maintaining a relationship with a regular. I can see how it's easier to play with strangers and then move on. We've talked about it, and we feel that playtime should be preceded by a date to see if there's chemistry. We would hate to play with someone and find out later they're actually a douchebag. 

 

Since my last post, I am realizing my wife is shy about opening up to me about her finding other men sexy. I asked her about a particular guy and asked if she would be interested in playing with him. She replied that the conversation was weird because she's not used to talking about how hot a guy is with her husband. I told her that it was okay and I needed to know what she likes so we can find the right person. That seemed to make her feel better because she admitted that she would play with him. I just wanted to get that out there in case someone else happens to find this in a search. I didn't consider her comfort level until we had that conversation, and now I feel like we just took another step forward now that we can talk about who she finds sexy. Maybe I should take her out to a bar and let her go flirt. lol..

 

Thank you for your guidance on this. It really does help.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

20 minutes ago, Epiclouders said:

When you say single males are easy to find, do you find yours at clubs? What has worked for you?

Back in the day (and this was long pre-pandemic), we would go to our local swingers club and usually had a pretty easy time finding single guys. They were allowed at the club and once they knew we were open to be approached by them, they approached... single guys at swingers clubs are basically there looking for free sex with easy women. Let them know the lady is available and that's usually all the invitation they need. Given that basically all we wanted was a reasonably attractive, polite guy with a hard dick, it was fairly simple to make a connection.

 

We would sometimes meet guys at the club pool table. Neither my wife nor I are good at pool, but we played anyway. It was a good place to chat with people, make an initial connection and see if they met the "polite" requirement. Then it was just a matter or asking if they were interested.

 

We have had no luck with finding people online, for some reason. Though we have been approached online in the past by a number of single guys. Again, let them know you are interested in them and post a sexy picture of your wife and you have to beat them off with a stick. Finding someone who is actually a good match (even when your criteria are as simple as "reasonably attractive and polite") has proven to more difficult, for us at least.

[couplers 4,640]

On 9/22/2021 at 3:35 PM, Epiclouders said:

As for us entering the lifestyle, she is not comfortable with me playing with another female for fear of being jealous.

That was me.  For two years hubby let me keep my ex-fiancé as boyfriend before I was comfortable and daring enough to let him have sex with other women (of my choice).  The jealousy never went away, it actually became stronger when I watch them, but I tamed the monster and now I crave the feeling and the reclaiming.  It also brought out my Lesbian side.  So let her have fun, enjoy the journey and see what happens.

 

 

On 9/22/2021 at 3:35 PM, Epiclouders said:

How receptive would other couples be to join us without me playing with the other wife? 

Your wife would be a highly sought-after unicorn, especially since...

 

On 9/22/2021 at 3:35 PM, Epiclouders said:

she has expressed interest in a female pleasing her

If it is one way your wife would be a "pillow queen," but there's no problem with that.  She may reciprocate with the right woman in the future.

 

 

 

[enhancer 1,585]

You will find that people’s wants out of the lifestyle are just as varied as the type of people in the lifestyle!   The phrase some people like to use in the lifestyle “ we are all in this for the same thing” is incorrect. Different strokes for different folks.  The key is finding the people that are looking for the same thing and they will be out there regardless of what your wants out of it are.  Don’t settle for anything, but what you two want.  It will come. 
 

Couples where only the woman plays with other are in high demand from both singles and couples so I don’t see you having any issues finding people that are interested at all.  I would advise though that you stick to you always being there and participating with your wife however you two choose to if that is what you want out of it.  There will be those who want to play with her without you there.  If that is not what you want then tell them no thanks.  Others that will do it on your terms will pop up.

 

Single guys are a dime a dozen, but that doesn’t mean it is easy to find the right one for her and you!  In fact for us it was harder to find then other females and couples.  Again don’t settle for just anyone.  She should be as picky as she wants.  Woman are and always will be in high demand.  They can have whatever they want.  They are the ones when it comes to power in the lifestyle and they should embrace it.

 

As for playing with a friend!  It is not something we do under any circumstance.  There is just to many things that can go south and if something does it is a lot easier to disconnect with a stranger then a friend. 

 

[Thorsome 15]

When I read your post I thought wow, it’s not just us! We’re in exactly the same boat. 
We’ve been searching for a while without finding someone. Good luck and let us know how it goes. 

Edited September 27, 2021 by Thorsome

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Epiclouders; a lot of what you ask and want to do sounds very much like my wife and I when we were first getting into the lifestyle. I haven't figured out how to separate out particular passages in quotes since the interface changed here, so bear with me...you said you didn't want to be too wordy. Well, sorry but I am  at times

 

You said; "(your) wife is shy about opening up to me about her finding other men sexy"

 

My wife was a bit like that at first as well. Our society raises us to have laser sharp focus on being monogamous. So, to share a thought she has about another man...to her husband...is societal blasphemy. She's internally fighting against a LOT of training. My wife and I now can openly share with each other when we find someone attractive. It took a bit, but we do. Sometimes one of us will point someone out and the other one will say "Oh definitely a yes!" or "Hmm, not quite".

 

You also noted about the lifestyle being  female drive; this is absolutely true. People who have no real knowledge of swinging think it's the opposite, that it's drive by a bunch of sex-crazed men who have absolute control over their wives. That's laughable. Women do drive this lifestyle, and men are somewhat just along for the ride

 

You suggested the possibility of taking your wife to a bar and let her flirt with some men. It's not a bad idea, especially if you've been married for a long time. Kind of dipping your toes back into the pool, so to speak. Of course, there's questions of how far she takes it, but if it's just flirting it might feel good for both of you, and for her to gain a emotional belief that you're really up for this. Emotionally, your wife might be a bit incredulous that you really want her to have sex with other men. There's a difference between logical belief and emotional belief. Also, seeing it in action might give her more confidence that you are excited for her and comfortable with it.

 

You mentioned about having better luck finding a single male in the lifestyle as opposed to "in the wild". You can find a single male in or out of the lifestyle. The question really is how ready the single male is for this. A single male in the lifestyle knows what the general expectations are; in some ways he's little more than a sex toy. A non-swinging single male might think you're nuts for allowing your wife to have sex with him, and possibly won't respect relationship boundaries. I've read nightmare stories here before where couples have tried non-lifestyle single males and had trouble with them. I'm not saying it can't work. It can, and it can work very well. I know of one couple here where the wife frequently plays with non-lifestyle single males. Just be educated about and the potential pitfalls.

 

You mentioned about the possibility of having a regular play partner, but not wanting to get into a poly relationship. That's fine, but understand you're dancing a bit of a fine line there. My wife and I have danced that very line (with great success). Our thoughts were that if she were to find a man whom she really enjoyed having sex with, why not have sex with him as much as possible? Some couples don't want to do that because of fear of emotions/attachments developing. We get that, and respect it, but we were not worried about it. We felt we would handle that as it went along, and it's worked well for us. My wife has had two long term play partners, both extending more than two years. It was never a "poly" relationship per se, but emotions definitely developed, especially with the 2nd gentleman. For us, we both felt that the sex would get better with emotions involved. There was the added benefit as well that once she'd been playing with them for a while and trust in them saying they weren't playing with anyone else (not commitment; just an agreement to let her know if they were playing with someone else) then the condoms could come off. My wife far, far prefers playing with men without condoms (far more so than any other woman I've known) and really enjoys men cumming inside of her, so not having the condom really makes the experience much more pleasurable for her. So, good sex...turned into great sex with a basis in emotion...turned into even better sex without condoms. It's been a win-win-win for us. As part of this, we recognized that she would be satisfying the sexual urges of two men; me and her play partner. It can get...busy Sometimes she would play solo as well, in part for this reason, and sometimes because it's just fun to play solo. For us, and it sounds like for you, it's not the number of men but the quality of them. Once you find a good one, keep him around

 

Related to this; you noted that your FMF happened without rules, and that generated problems. Rules can help with avoiding problems. But, you can also expect that over time the rules tend to melt away. We had a lot of rules at first. The only one that we still have is the "golden parachute" rule; either of us says it's time to leave, it's time to leave. We'll discuss it after we're on the road, not right then. We've never had to use it, but it's a comfort knowing it's there. My wife is now free to do whatever she feels like doing with another man and he's free to do whatever she consents to him doing. I think you'll find over time you will be in that place too. It's a very nice place to be!

 

Most people here recommend against playing with a friend. There are so many ways it can go wrong. I concur. Be careful. You feel confident that if he doesn't want to do this, things will still be ok as friends. Just be prepared it can sever the friendship. Also, since he's a friend, you have no anonymity. For some people, that can be a problem; would they tell someone else? An employer? Another friend? Your family? For some, that's not worth the risk. There are plenty of men available. The trick of course is finding a good one (and keeping them around ). You are not without options; your friend doesn't have to be involved for you to find satisfaction and happiness in the lifestyle. It can work. Don't think I'm saying it can't. Just know there is the potential for complications. 

 

Keep in mind that the lifestyle shares some familiarity with regular vanilla dating. Sometimes you gotta kiss a lot of frogs. My wife and I agreed we would stick with this for a while if we ran into duds. We did run into duds, but we stuck with it. The third guy absolutely made my wife's toes curl. She could not get enough sex with him, and wanted him inside of her as much as possible. On the way home after that she said with a big grin on her face, "Ok now I'm swinger!" Your wife may encounter similar; whether they be single males in the lifestyle, out of the lifestyle, or your friend. It just might not 'click'. Be prepared for that; it might take a few duds for her to find a guy that makes her t toes curl.

 

It's ok if your wife doesn't want you to play with other women. My wife was in a similar boat at first. That changed, but at first she was hesitant about the lifestyle in general, and it was easier for her to focus on MFMs at first. Some here might called that unbalanced; we don't view it that way. We're in this as a couple, and as a couple we have fun with it. I thoroughly, thoroughly enjoy watching (and participating with) my wife having sex with other men, so an MFM is a win for me too. I can play with other women now, but at first that was off limits while we were new. There are many pleasures for me in an MFM and I'm sure you will enjoy it very much as well. It's incredibly erotic for me when my wife is giving me head and she's having sex with another man at the same time. I also love having sex with her right after a play partner has cum inside of her. I also really enjoy sitting back and watching her with another man; it's like the best porn movie ever. You will have similar pleasures with it as well. At first, I tried very hard to understand why I so much enjoyed my wife having sex with other men. I've never been able to explain it. I gave up trying. I just know that I do, and I'm very glad we went down this road.

 

Obviously we can't know your relationship. But, everything you've written so far about how your wife and you are proceeding in this gives me a very strong impression that you are doing things the right way. It sounds very much like you are a loving couple with great communication and dedication to each other. These are critically important ingredients to any relationship, but all the more so with swingers. It's been said that swinging is a magnifying glass; it magnifies what it finds. If it finds problems in a relationship, it makes them worse. If it finds love, it magnifies that. You very much sound like a loving couple. I think this will go quite well for you. Enjoy!

 

If you have any questions, let us know or private message me. We'll be happy to answer!