Chatting one on one

[Pdxcpl1 21]

It's been awhile since my last post, but wanted to find some help here. We've been in the LS for almost three years and have definitely enjoyed our time in it. Lately, we've been hanging out with larger groups in the poly crowd which brings a whole new dynamic to relationships. We met a couple who've been in the LS for 15 years and my wife really found a lot of good chemistry with the guy. They have been chatting one on one for a couple of months now, almost on a daily basis. At first, I felt okay about it because she allowed me to read everything, but recently the chats have turned from flirtatious to something more, in my opinion. I want my wife to enjoy herself and find freedom in the LS, but this is bringing up feelings of fear for me. I'm now dreading each day, waiting to see what was said. My wife reassures me that she is 100% committed to me as a life partner and this guy won't change that, but her words aren't really helping much. We haven't played, more than kissing, with this couple but plan to have an actual play date this weekend. At this point, I'm not looking forward to the play date because of the budding relationship I'm witnessing. My question to the forum, do I need to just get over this and let her have her fun and look the other way? Or should I ask her to stop the communication and keep it in the group chat?

[Lionheart72 2,190]

Two of most important rules of swinging: 1) communicate, 2) move at the speed of the least comfortable person

 

So, first you should tell your wife how you feel. Don't accuse her, or this guy,  of anything. Just tell her how you feel. (In pop-psych speak they call it "I" statements.) It doesn't matter if she doesn't think there is anything more serious going on. It doesn't matter if he thinks nothing more serious is going on. It doesn't matter if nothing more serious IS going on. What matters is that you are not comfortable.

 

Which brings us to point two - you are not comfortable. Therefore, at the very least, you - as a couple - should not play with this other couple until you are comfortable (which might be never). You may ask ask your wife to either stop messaging him or change how and when she messages him. Again, don't accuse. Just be honest and say it is making you uncomfortable. Talk to her. Listen to her and, gently, ask her to listen to you.

 

Honesty, trust and communication.

[Pdxcpl1 21]

Thanks Lionheart72. This is really good advice and I have shared with her that I'm not comfortable and how it makes me feel. She's offered to stop all communication, but when she does she also says we can just get out of the LS altogether because she doesn't see the point if I won't let her really like someone. I told her not to stop because I don't want her to resent me over the fact that I'm fearful, but I've asked her to dial it back (which didn't happen). My wife asked me to start chatting with his wife, thinking it would help me with any insecurities...which maybe that will help, but in a lot of ways that feels like she's just trying to get me to look the other way. I know that I trust her, but definitely concerned where this is going.

I feel somewhat stuck on this one because I really don't want to be a weak partner keeping her from having fun in the LS...

[lcmim 1,082]

We had a similar situation. Only it was I and the lady who had the relationship. I can honestly say that we had a love relationship. That is in the past now, as she died because of an illness. 

 

What I learned from this are two things. One, I definitely married the right lady. She watched as things grew , trusted me enough to know that I still belonged to her, and supported my exploration.

Two, at least for us love is not a finite thing. I was perfectly capable of loving them both, not equally of course, my wife always came first.

 

The lady's husband also was on board. At times my wife and he found the two of us humorous. I think they found it a lot like watching a couple of teenagers.

 

[Pdxcpl1 21]

@Icmim I completely understand what you're saying. I want to let this grow organically and just trust that I'm her life partner. And yes, watching the two of them together has been like watching two teenagers together. I think the hard part is that is how my wife and I are together, super affectionate and touchy with one another. Usually, we are the ones making other people sick.

[lcmim 1,082]

All that being said. There were some hard and fast rules between myself and the lady.

It was understood that our spouses came first. There were no secrets between us four.

 

It was interesting that the four of us were fiercely protective of our respective marriages.

We are still close friends with her husband.

 

 

[Pdxcpl1 21]

@Icmim That sounds like a pretty amazing situation you were in and I'm sorry for your loss. I feel like we need to collectively decide whether this is the direction we want to go, or maybe that's not the right way to think about it. 

[enhancer 1,585]

We are not poly in anyway and make it a rule not to give our personal phone numbers to anyone in the lifestyle.  All chatting happens together and if someone doesn’t like that they can get bent.

 

If you are not comfortable with it then it should end!  Your wife should know that is how things work in the lifestyle.  If one person isn’t happy with something then it should stop.  It doesn’t make you the weak link at all in our opinion.  
 

Her saying fine I will stop, but then we should just stop the lifestyle all together sounds to me like she doesn’t want to stop and will throw that out there to get her way. I would totally call that bluff myself, but the lifestyle just isn’t even close  to how important my personal relationship with the missus is. 
 

If you don’t want to be poly you don’t have to be!  Lots of us live this lifestyle without having that kind of connection with other people and are doing just fine.

[Pdxcpl1 21]

@enhancer Thanks for sharing your perspective. We have definitely dipped our toes into the poly waters recently, but this one is stretching me for sure. I agree with you, we shouldn't go there if one of us isn't comfortable.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

1 hour ago, enhancer said:

Her saying fine I will stop, but then we should just stop the lifestyle all together sounds to me like she doesn’t want to stop and will throw that out there to get her way.

I agree. She basically saying "I get to do what I want, regardless of your feelings, or we stop entirely."

 

The correct answer to that, in my not-so-humble opinion, is to stop entirely

[enhancer 1,585]

58 minutes ago, Pdxcpl1 said:

@enhancer Thanks for sharing your perspective. We have definitely dipped our toes into the poly waters recently, but this one is stretching me for sure. I agree with you, we shouldn't go there if one of us isn't comfortable.

The definition of poly is someone who has multiple loving, intentional and intimate relationships at a time!  Sounds pretty much what your wife is doing.  Works for some people just fine.  For others not so much.  Maybe you need to revisit if poly is for you.

[Lionheart72 2,190]

7 minutes ago, enhancer said:

The definition of poly is someone who has multiple loving, intentional and intimate relationships at a time!  Sounds pretty much what your wife is doing.  Works for some people just fine.  For others not so much.  Maybe you need to revisit if poly is for you.

I would argue that the definition of poly also includes the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating...

[enhancer 1,585]

11 minutes ago, Lionheart72 said:

I would argue that the definition of poly also includes the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Otherwise, it's just cheating...

Agree with you completely.

[Pdxcpl1 21]

The premise of my wife saying she wouldn't want to remain in the LS was said in a loving manner and she ended up ultimately saying she was willing to just stop with this particular guy. We have very open and strong communication overall. I think @enhancer is right, we need to revisit whether poly is right for us. I would classify us as poly-lite at the moment, but we need to consider whether we are really ready to dive in head first.

[lcmim 1,082]

When I told our story I did not do it to tell you that was what to do but rather to just show you what was possible. If at any time my wife had told me that she was uncomfortable I would have shut it down. 

The advice that everyone needs to be comfortable with the situation is correct. We just got lucky. 

One other thought, Poly is not an either or situation. My wife and I continued playing with others just for fun. I don't even think I would consider us Poly because multiple loving partners is not the goal or even the norm for us. But if the magic happens I would be inclined to let it happen.

 

 

 

 

[couplers 4,638]

8 hours ago, Pdxcpl1 said:

My question to the forum, do I need to just get over this and let her have her fun and look the other way?

As one who has been through the same thing with my husband, I say let her have her fun.  But don't look the other way, confront it head on.  Don't try to get over it, you will never get over it, you will learn to love it.  I crave the jealous feeling that my husband loves another woman.  (My fear eventually became that they would flame out.)  But he loves me as much as he ever has, and the pleasure and satisfaction he gets from her is credited to me.  As a poly family, we not only share bodies, but also emotions.  Enjoy your adventures together.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

One of our lesser rules is to prevent this very thing. No cross sex communication. MM can text and talk, FF can text and talk, MFMF can text and talk, but cross couple MF communication is not allowed. This way there can be no misunderstandings and everything is out in the open. While I trust Ms Gold completely (and she trusts me the same), in her past relationship, her and her ex tried swinging to save their failing relationship (with vanilla friends, no less). He and the other husband would text back and forth (as would her husband and the other wife), and wouldn't you know it, the husband of the other couple 'fell in love' with Ms. Gold. He was ready and willing to leave his wife for her...etc. etc. She wasn't interested in that. So when we started, it was one of her requests that cross communication wasn't allowed and it worked out to be a great one. We also have the same rule about being together in person. MM = OK, FF = OK, MFMF = OK, cross couple MF or even MFF or MMF = not okay. While after all the time we have been 'dating' each other, this rule could probably be looked at again, but the women still like having it so it remains.

[Sophy 569]

The lifestyle is about honesty, it is ok to feel uncomfortable for whatever reason, but always, I repeat: always communicate with your partner.

[discreetplay 235]

On 9/29/2021 at 12:00 PM, Pdxcpl1 said:

She's offered to stop all communication, but when she does she also says we can just get out of the LS altogether because she doesn't see the point if I won't let her really like someone.

 

From my perspective, that's the answer. She doesn't want to stop, even though you asked so she's throwing that "all of nothing" demand. She doesn't care about your feelings and figures the 'all or nothing' will allow her to continue talking with this guy because she knows you won't do the 'nothing'. And she was correct, you backed off.

 

If you want to stay married, get out of the lifestyle. Your posts say you trust her but your writing implies you don't. From the little info I can garner from your posts is that this will turn out bad. I wouldn't play with them. I wouldn't play any longer. I'd suggest taking time away from the lifestyle if you want to keep your marriage.