Vanilla situation, what would you do?

[njbm 2,901]

We are in our early sixties. We went out to dinner with my sister and her new boyfriend, who we never met before. They do not know we are swingers. It was our first meeting of the boyfriend. 
 

The boyfriend was focused on my wife like a laser beam. He was making eye contact with her and only talked to her 75-90% of the time. When we got home, I asked my wife if she noticed this. She said definitely yes. She was trying to include my sister and me in the conversation. I noticed her effort to do this, but this guy was locked in on her. Ignored me and my sister and was leaning in on my wife. No one was drunk. I think this guy is a player! Very awkward. 
 

Do I tell my sister? I don’t want to cause a fight or a break up, but I am concerned that this guy is a player. She is ultra conservative and would not want a guy who is a player. As a guy who has watched my wife do all kinds of things, I’m not a jealous guy, but we were both uncomfortable. 
 

Thoughts?
 

 

[Lionheart72 2,191]

If it was that obvious to you and your wife, I'm going to guess his behavior was obvious to your sister as well. I think whether or not you say anything depends on your relationship with her. If you do feel the need to say anything, I would highly recommend finding a way to communicate openly, honestly and non-judgmentally. Don't accuse or draw conclusions. Just say you and your wife were uncomfortable with his behavior.

[njbm 2,901]

We are not mad or angry. We are concerned that my sister is dating what appears to us to be a carouser. We also don’t want to be in that position again or recurrently if they stay together. I think I am going to discuss it with my brother. He and his wife went out with them the week before. Wonder if they had the same experience. 

[njbm 2,901]

My brother and his wife did not have the same experience. 
As experienced swingers, we know when someone is “making a move.”

Edited October 10, 2021 by njbm

[Lionheart72 2,191]

1 hour ago, njbm said:

My brother and his wife did not have the same experience. 
As experienced swingers, we know when someone is “making a move.”

Not to doubt you, but just to suggest a different point of view... as swingers, you have a different set of preconceptions. Maybe he was making a move. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he really found your wife to be interesting and over-focused on her but it isn't necessarily his usual behavior. Unless you have psychic powers you aren't sharing with the forum, you don't actually know what was going on in his head. What you do know is that his behavior made you and your wife uncomfortable (which is important and I don't want to belittle that). I would heartily recommend you focus on that and how best to respond to that. Whether that's you or your wife talking to your sister and telling her his behavior made you uncomfortable or talking to him... I just really suggest that you be careful about drawing conclusions.

[njbm 2,901]

I will tell my sister we were uncomfortable. I just gave the swinging experience as an example. I don’t he was realistically trying to pick up my wife. But she could not direct him back to the conversation, I failed to engage him to draw him away. We know what it looks like to flirt with someone. He totally ignored me and my sister and exclusively talked to my wife in a manner that we associate with flirting. We know what that looks like from experience. 
 

Thank you for your advice and impartial observations.  

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I would say something like 'he sure seemed to like taking with my wife and kind of ignored the two of us' and just leave it at that. If you say something bad about him and they end up staying together for awhile it can be awkward but if you don't say anything, and it does turn out that he is a creep, she's going to wonder why you didn't warn her. Just stick to the facts and stay away from the emotional part and let it play out (unless she specifically asks for more details or a deeper opinion).

[lcmim 1,086]

GOLDCOCOUPLE< 

 

Yep.