How to get the soft swing conversation started with my wife?

[SexhoundDog 18]

Can any of you out there let me in on how you got the guts to get this conversation going with your partner the first time? I'm a little nervous to bring this up with my wife. I'm thinking the first experience should involve another guy so she doesn't think I'm doing it to bed another woman. She's a touch sensitive about a few extra pounds and I'd think knowing she's still desirable to another guy would get her in the groove. All comments appreciated because I think an occasional softswing episode would enhance our sex lives tremendously and probably improve our communication. By the way, this is an awesome site, I'm glad I found it and hopefully will be contributing like an old pro at some future time!

[LIZA 20]

well a couple might be better if you are looking for soft-swinging. Just ask her if she is interested. It takes about 6 seconds to get the words out!!

 

If she says "NO WAY" then you need to drop it , nothing worse than pushing it!

[Alura 2,774]

Well, Liza, I don't know... If I were in Sexhound's boots, I wouldn't just spring it on her in a few seconds. I have the impression, because he's not at ease talking about any subject... I think he needs to work on his communication.

 

I'd open up the sex subject with her in bed, but I'd start by asking, "Do you like it when I wiggle my tongue like this? How about this? Which do you like better?"

 

First get her talking about what she likes in your own sex life and slowly venture out into more adventurous stuff.

 

I'm just a dumb ol' Okie, but I'd approach it really slow, and pay attention to every word she says...

 

Cheers,

Husband of Alura

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Originally posted by LIZA:

well a couple might be better if you are looking for soft-swinging. Just ask her if she is interested. It takes about 6 seconds to get the words out!!

 

If she says "NO WAY" then you need to drop it , nothing worse than pushing it!

 

I believe the gentleman is looking for a bit more of a creative approach. First of all just because someone says "no way" doesn't mean the door is closed. In fact the first response I got was "no way".

 

Of course the first time she asked me about getting a dog my response was "no way". We have a dog now though.

 

There is a big difference between being pushy and discussing the options of any particular subject.

 

Especially a subject that involves intimate relationships with other people. I think your answer was a bit hasty and narrow-minded Liza.

 

So many people think that a females main purpose in life is to be independent and never consider anything but what they want. Their hubby may have wants that involve sexual fantasy fulfillment also.

 

My suggestion would be to bring up the subject of the fact that you have been reading a message board that involves open couples that discuss various aspects of unusual sexual activity that involves couples. Explain that you found it interesting and ask her if she would like to explore it with you.

 

If you just come out in six seconds and say hey babe I wanna have sex with other people you may find yourself looking for a new mate.

 

Directness can be a very good thing but not always appropriate.

[walrus0115 15]

Compliments...Compliments....Compliments...

My wife has those few extra pounds and I know that she's the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. And nothing reassures her more of that than other men trying to bed her. Most of us are in this to see our loved one experience pleasure (bed notches just don't last in the long run.)

 

I remember broaching the subject a few years ago by asking her if she missed all those guys in college hitting on her. The answer was a resounding "YES"!

 

Yes you want to play with other women. And, yes she probably wants to play with other men. It was very easy for me to throw her on a little ego trip by asking about who was after her, when she felt sexiest, why she felt sexy, and who she thought was sexy. Next thing I knew the questions were coming back at me. Talking about past sexual experiences was our biggest hurdle and now it's sometimes our favorite pastime. It doesn't matter whether it was an innocent kiss or that college orgy I can barely remember through the drunken fog. All of those experiences shaped both of our sexual psyches. And reliving those with each other was a necessary and wonderful first step towards total sexual honesty.

 

I've heard other men and women say that they don't want to know what their mate did before. Well, if you can't honestly talk about and enjoy those experiences with each other, it's going to be a little difficult to share your intamacy with new friends.

 

Just my 839 cents worth.

[LIZA 20]

My answer is nt narrow minded it's just to the point.

 

So many men come here asking how to communicate with their own wife! WE aren't married to her......... If they can't just ask their wife "honey has the thought of swinging ever crossed your mind?" then they have a pretty poor marriage.

[danc694u 19]

I'm going to be the fly in the ointment here.

 

First of all, he ask a really valid question. It's just as difficult for a loving man/woman to bring up a subject as radical as swinging. As it would be to ask, if your spouse would mind holding the wrong end of a loaded shotgun, while you clean it.

 

Swinging IS radical, for about 85% of the world!! And, he has no real way of knowing what her reaction will be.

 

His problem is two-fold. #1 He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, by making her think he is looking for someone else. And, she may take it that way!

 

#2 He has to explain "soft" swing to her. So she can understand what he is asking. To a layman, there is no differance between softswing or full swap.

 

Personally, I wouldn't bring it up during sex. I would bring it up at some other time. The bottom line is, he will have to communicate his desire. And, possibly explain his intentions in depth. If he gets a NO with no chance to explain. Then he is pretty much done with it there.

 

If he gets a yes. Then he can explain further, thereby allowed her to make a more educated opinion/answer.

 

I say, ask her flat out THEN if you get a "Let me think about it" or "Maybe" Send her here to this site to dig around, and learn more. She can get a lot of questions answered on this one site.

 

Your largest battle will be with a maybe. Then her flat out refusal to acknowledge you ever brought the subject up. If this happens. You'll remain part of that 85% I spoke of earlier.

 

This isn't a lifestyle choice that comes easy, for any of us. And we're all very aware of the problems associated with this lifestyle. And don't come back with, "We don't have any problems!" unless your entire family and the people at work know all about it

[Flori_DAMAN 26]

Originally posted by LIZA:

My answer isn't narrow-minded, it's just to the point.

 

So many men come here asking how to communicate with their own wife! WE aren't married to her... If they can't just ask their wife "honey has the thought of swinging ever crossed your mind?" then they have a pretty poor marriage.

 

Ok, narrow minded was not the proper terminology. I apologize for saying that. A good marriage could be destroyed by bringing up a subject this intense without proper forethought though. This gentleman is probably concerned that his wife could take his intentions the wrong way.

 

Not everyone views sexual freedom the same way due to very strong beliefs they may have ingrained from there upbringing.

[LIZA 20]

I understand what you're saying. I just can't fathom how so MANY men are in marriages with women that they know so little about.

It seems to me if you live with someone every day of your life you would have a pretty good idea of their feelings and belief's on a number of subjects, including sex.

Yet many come here and ask complete strangers how to talk to their wife.......It as always seemed very odd to me

[youngswingers 15]

We're with Liza on this one. We all agree that, in this lifestyle, communication is the most important key to happiness (success). If swinging isn't an idea that grows from both of you (ie. one person fantasy vs. a fantasy developed by both people) one person will be insecure about the it. Imagine if you wife, out of the blue, brought up her fantasy to have sex with another man and then proceeds to arrange to fulfill that fantasy. Even if you were OK with it part of you would wonder why she had this desire and how it reflects upon your relationship. That point brings us back to Liza's orginal argument: If you are not at the point where you are developing this fantasy with your partner then you are not ready to get into swinging. The very fact that you are doing research about this demonstrates that you are a caring partner, so we are sure you are capable of getting there with your S.O.!

[danc694u 19]

Originally posted by LIZA:

It seems to me if you live with someone every day of your life you would have a pretty good idea of their feelings and belief's on a number of subjects, including sex.

 

Liza,

 

I take it you've never read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Or have forgotten some of the self inflicted issues that men deal with, if you have read it.

 

Men generally try to get an idea in their head. Before they throw it out to be discussed. All the while, wondering how their spouse will react. That wondering balloons way out of proportion, as the days pass.

 

Of course, after a week of trying to figure all this out. It comes out sounding like a foreign language. And, nothing like we thought.

 

They even named a TV series after a mans thinking process. It's called: Fear Factor LMAO

 

Communication is the key to this lifestyle. Just don't expect everyone to be able to communicate effectively. A lot of these men have valid concerns about their spouses reactions. I know I wish I had never brought the subject up with my ex. She made it her life mission to let everyone know what a sick pervert I was afterwards (her exact words).

[LIZA 20]

No I wouldn't read that book (or The Rules)

Anything that implies there is some enormous difference in men and womens minds goes totally against my way of thinking, so it doesn't appeal to me.

Far as I see it, I agree with Youngswingers........If you don't know your wife well enough to talk to her about ANYTHING, then your relationship isn't strong enough to think about swinging.

And I think that if a man is lurking around swingers sites gathering info secretly, he is just going to anger his wife that he did not find out her feelings on the subject first.....

[danc694u 19]

Originally posted by LIZA:

Anything that implies there is some enormous difference in men and women's minds goes totally against my way of thinking

 

Well you should!! Read it that is. It doesn't define differences in male/female minds. It defines thought process and it's involvement with relationship issues.

 

BTW, my ex bought it. Then refused to read it, after I did. Especially since I thought it was a very well written book. I can't speak for the "female" issues. But, the "male" issues were very valid IMO.

 

With all the above aside I do agree with the communication comments. Telling someone "how" to talk to their spouse, is difficult, if not impossible.

 

But, I do understand their concern. What happens if the spouse reacts as my ex did? If a person could get a simple YES or NO. It would be different. But, not everyone is going to respond that way. That's where the difficulty lies.

 

They're asking because they DO KNOW their spouse. And are wanting a way to ask, that won't result in a possible divorce. Just for asking.

 

We really can't help them at all with that problem. Passive/aggressive relationships rarely work out anyway. So swinging, even the mention of it, will result in destroying the relationship in the long run.

[Alura 2,774]

Originally posted by LIZA:

 

If you don't know your wife well enough to talk to her about ANYTHING, then your relationship isn't strong enough to think about swinging.

 

LIZA,I think you're exactly right about this, but that doesn't mean that a man should resign himself to never building their communication up to the point that he COULD talk to his wife about anything with no fear at all of her reaction.

 

Some of us who have made suggestions have done so with hopes that he and his wife can learn to improve the strength (communication is strength) of his marriage. That's what this thread is all about, in my opinion.

 

I'll second the motion on your reading, "Men are from Mars..." It's true we're equal, but we're also different. Besides, the book is fun!

 

Husband of Alura

[danc694u 19]

Originally posted by Alura:

I'll second the motion on your reading, "Men are from Mars..." It's true we're equal, but we're also different. Besides, the book is fun!

 

I have to admit. When I first saw it (the book) I was thinking; "Damn, not another mind game book!" My ex was notorious for finding books that PROVED I was nothing more than a pervert, for even considering this lifestyle.

 

But, the book is a good read. I think we'll use that (read the book) as an answer. The next time someone ask how to ask LOL.

[youngswingers 15]

With all due defference to danc694u and Alura (and her equally wise husband) Liza's tone has been mistaken for her argument. The message to Sexhounddog is simply this: If you are not at a place with your partner where bringing up fantasies with out the fear of being coldly rejected (or worse ala danc694u's story) then that is where you need to start. We are constantly astounded by how many people on this board (not just single males) think that swinging is the easiest thing in the world... just post an ad and your desires will be lived out! They don't understand towards that end you have to do a lot of work talking, listening, compromising, colaborating, and experimenting. Alura's orginal response was in that vein but a little granular to get the point across. Sexhounddog- If you want to really want to get into this lifestyle you and your partner have to do the leg work first.

[TNT 1,155]

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", cool book...definitely worth the read.

 

But to the original poster's question...

 

Communication is definitely the key to everything...my husband and I had always shared sexual fantasies with each other, but had never talked about actually fulfilling them...hell...we didn't even know there was such a thing as the lifestyle.

 

One day he brought home a web site that a friend at work had given him (no the friend was not a swinger, he gave it to hubby as a joke).We didn't know what the site was about before we looked it up. It was a site for one of the local socials. The site was full of information about the lifestyle and had links to other sites. We both started reading and discussing things as we went. The more we read, the more we talked, until finally WE decided to check it out. The rest, as they say, is history...lol.

 

Click around on the computer together one night...go to some swinger sites and read together. Just simply ask your wife what she thinks about it. Be prepared for it to go either way...

1. She might say its interesting , but not her cup of tea.

2. She might hit you over the head and say how dare you pull something so preverted up on the computer.

OR...

3. She might pick up the ball and start running.

 

But what does it hurt to go to a site and say " Hunny, come here and check this out".

 

This seems to me a good way to bring the subject of swinging up, whether you are a man or woman. If it's a good site, you have all the information you need right in front of you and you are able to gauge your partners reaction to it.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Teresa

 

P.S.

Danc, you are a pervert...lol...but, so are all the rest of us in here, and personally, I kinda like being one.

[Cal69Cpl 15]

While I agree with the comment that communication is the key, I think that it is too harsh to say that a hubby cannot come out here to ask other folk's opinion about how best to go about communicating with his wife in a given situation. Remember, the hubby is starting out in this... and most people here have already gone through, maybe similar situations. Is it really so wrong for the husband to ask your opinion? Sure it is hard for you to figure out what his wife thinks and how she might react, but maybe what the hubby wants to learn is your situation and how you dealt with it. Sure, that may or may not be helpful ultimately to him, but I think that is a far cry from judging him as not yet ready to get into swinging because he doesn't know his wife. I think no matter how close you are to a person, you still do not know her or him well enough to sometimes still wonder... especially for those of us who are "just starting out..."

 

Just my 2 cts worth...

 

Hubby of Cal69Cpl

[stucazzu 15]

Everyone seems to be missing the real point. Just because a man is hesitant bringing up a snesitive point does not mean that they do not have a good marriage or that he does not know his wife. The axiom here is actuallt quite simple. Most men are VERY different from women when it comes down to sex. That fact must always be taken into consideration when dealing with people on sex topics. It took me a long time in conversations (1,000's of them) to get my wife to agree to come to a swing club. Everyone moves at a different pace. And who wants to have a great idea shot down before you even get your "gun" out of the holster, so to speak. One of the things that really helped me when one time my wife and I were staying at a great Chicago downtown hotel and we noticed that there were windows close to our hotel where a person could she our bed. We went out for a great dinner and when we returned to our room, we started having sex on the king-sized bed and noticed that there were people watching us from the next hotel. The sex was really great! She was hotter than a mating rabbit in a Mexican jalapeno field. That lead us into the natural discussion of enjoyment of being watched and also watching.

[youngswingers 15]

Exactly stucazzu! You had many conversations and you guys had a discussion of your likes and dislikes which lead you both to look into the lifestyle. We're not attacking Sexhounddog. In fact, we think that the fact that he's doing this research is a great sign. But again, if you are just trying to figure out how to instigate this conversation, swinging isn't exactly around the corner.