Jealousy/insecurities used too much

[10thBadger 25]

10thBader&Badger’s Wife

 

We have been reading this site for the past couple of months. Now we are creating our first question because it always seems to come up and then someone gets flamed by some experience members. Mostly because they disagree with the newbie when they are asking a question. So please just take what I am writing as a inquisitive thought and not putting down the lifestyle that you live.

 

How can someone not be jealous. Yeah certain situations where jealousy is silly and I totally agree. But there are some times where people on the site have said it was jealous and my only thought was it wasn’t jealousy but it was just a person being hurt. I’m going to give you a example

 

one poster wrote: Him and his wife decided that they were going to go swinging and do a Threesome MMF. The husband and a man that was doing the wife was having a great time, the man coming out of his sexual zone had to back away for a moment and ponder. He started looking at the other man and his wife having sex and she was making noises and requesting things from this total stranger that confused her husband. This husband also noted that he was more than willing to do those things with his wife but she always said no. But with this total stranger she was absolutely willing to do all the things that she would not let her husband do and was enjoying it immensely. Her husband just sat there and watched in amazement while the wife was completely oblivious of him being in the room and hurting Mentally. Then the husband decided to leave the room because he was feeling really bad and the wife did not even noticed. The husband return to the room and saw his wife then requesting for the total stranger to do anal and it really hurt the husband because when he requested to do anal with her, she wanted no part of it.

 

know several people or shall I say members said that you have to be happy for your wife because she is freer with this man and you should enjoy the fact that she is willing to experiment and let herself go.

 

To my husband and I, we were just shaking our heads and saying how can anyone say that? How can this woman experiment with a total stranger but not willing to do the same thing or at a higher level with her husband and say that she loves him. It just doesn’t compute. I’m not sure how anyone could see that. If anything the wife should be more open with the husband that has requested everything that she did with this total stranger. How can this woman say that I love my husband 100% and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I’m more willing to experiment sexually with a total stranger than I am with my loving husband.

 

But many members said you were just jealous and husband and I said no he’s just hurt emotionally. I thoughts were he is not jealous because he’s actually allowing this to happen in a threesome but hurt by the fact that she is more open with the total stranger that she is with him even though he’s just as willing to do the same things that she is requesting from the total stranger.  I just can’t see that as jealousy as some members have said. 
 

Example number two

 

Insecurities: This Fictionally couple wants to have a full swap and is looking for another couple. So they start looking on the Internet together. Now, historically the wife has always told her husband that he was more than enough for her with his size of cock. That at times it has even been too much because she is a smaller woman. So all through the marriage they would have making live sessions, but when they were just be passionate fucking together, he always had to take it easy. Because he wanted her to enjoy it and not have pain. 
 

So he and his wife Are looking on the Internet for another couple but every couple that the wife stops at. The guy is much bigger or shall I say not much bigger but larger than husband. The husband this just thought through his head. As something that it may not be actually the size of his cock but the other features of his physical body. So he lets the thought go and doesn’t create any problems but while in bed he’s asking her why is that every guy that you stop at seems to be bigger than mine. You’ve always said that I was too big, the wife tells him that she really didn’t notice but it was the total package that she was looking at.

 

So that time comes where the couples meet, they go to wherever to have sex. The husband is enjoying himself with the other couples wife, just to see his wife while peeking over at her, she is enjoying the size of this of a man. The husband calls a timer and talks to the wife away from the other couple. And he says to his wife, are you OK. The wife says I am fine. So they go back to the other couple and continue. He looks over at his wife while he is playing with the other guy‘s wife and sees this guy putting on a condom and then starts fucking his wife wildly and she is enjoying every bit of it. The husband is thinking in his head what the fuck. How can this be happen. But everything continues as planned  everybody finishes up and a couple leaves and go to separate way. The husband is absolutely baffled.

 

He asked his wife how can you enjoy what he was doing to you when he was much larger than I but when I want to do that with you in our own home, you complain about it.  The woman cannot understand why her husband is asking her that because she just enjoyed herself. The man sitting here thinking has he been lied to the whole time.

 

Now some member will say that it was the newness. And it was explained this way by a member that  the man can be satisfying her completely. Her husband is probably do it everything that this man has done to his wife but the fact that the newness of a different person was bringing her to different heights. And different levels of ecstasy. Then some member will say you shouldn’t worry about anything because your wife had a good time. Stop being insecure and have insecurities about the enjoyment of sex that your wife just had with a total stranger.

 

To my husband and We are thinking wow, I know I would have been hurt emotionally because if I have been told something repeatedly throughout my marriage and to have my partner do something the total opposite with a total stranger and enjoy it immensely. How could I not be hurt or upset. Not angry unless I get some catchphrase or not a good explanation, that is when anger will come in. But the fact of being hurt is always considered insecurities/jealousy and we don’t take those two things fit those situations.

 

So can the board just explain to us how insecurities/jealousy always seems to be the catchphrase with someone is actually from our opinion just hurt or not understanding the situation. I hope that are examples even though they are somethings that we read on here from people asking questions, we’re good enough of an explanation and a situation that has brought on much discussion between my husband and I.

 

As I and my husband have explained on here several times. We only had one experience which did not go well. I guess that would be for another time but we appreciate all your input and we just want to say that there is one experience member that we really enjoy reading even though we disagree with him or her sometime but we really like this process input because after we agree with him or her a lot

 

My husband says Chicup Is a beast!!!!! That dude needs two tickets when he goes to the zoo. One to get in and One to get out!!!!!!

 

Julie, I always say that you are a breath of fresh air of reason and you should have your own book of one-liners that often put everybody in their seat to ponder. 

 

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

23 hours ago, 10thBadger said:

 

So can the board just explain to us how insecurities/jealousy always seems to be the catchphrase with someone is actually from our opinion just hurt or not understanding the situation. I hope that are examples even though they are somethings that we read on here from people asking questions, we’re good enough of an explanation and a situation that has brought on much discussion between my husband and I.

 

I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive. Being hurt or confused about a situation can often bring on jealousy or trigger insecurities.

 

Often, what people are suggesting is that addressing an underlying insecurity will help to smooth over whatever someone is confused about, if they didn't feel confident that they could trust their partner or felt that an event was a very big deal when in fact it was not even noticeable to others.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

IOHO, jealousy is a sign of a bigger problem and if you are feeling jealousy you need to figure out what that problem is. It's almost always a lack of trust, communication and/or love. I used to be a terribly jealous guy but that was because of my own insecurities and lack of faith in my partner. I never would have been able to get into this if it wasn't for my partner and I being able to talk very openly about...well, everything. Because of the communication, our trust in each other increased and that only made our love for each other grow as well. I KNOW that she is not interested in finding another guy, and it doesn't matter how well he looks or how great the orgasm may be. I consider myself the luckiest guy in the world to have found someone that I can talk about anything to and trust implicitly. I'm not going to do anything to mess that up. When we started this path, we took things slowly waiting for jealousy to rear its ugly head and found it never happened. Jealousy just has no room here. At the same time, if either of us were to ever want to stop, we would without a seconds hesitation. It's amazing that we are able to do this together but she is more important than anything to me. We could stop and other than some great memories, I would never look back.

 

Jealousy is just an indication that the relationship still needs to have some work done to improve it...nothing more. People just need to understand that is all jealousy is.

[lcmim 1,086]

Someone on this list once defined jealousy as fear of loss.

That made sense to me as I looked at my reactions.

 

Once I was a jealous type.

Then I married my wife.

I have never felt jealous with her.

Why?

I have never felt any danger that someone could get her to leave.

 

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

"How can someone not be jealous. Yeah certain situations where jealousy is silly and I totally agree. But there are some times where people on the site have said it was jealous and my only thought was it wasn’t jealousy but it was just a person being hurt. "

 

These are important...and even central questions that everyone deals with. 

 

For the sake of clarity, we are going to use a couple of simple words and offer two insights for each. 

 

Envy. This is the simpler concept. Most simply, "someone else has something I want". In ordinary life, it can be a bigger home, a fancier car, a corner office, a larger income, a smarter kid. In the lifestyle, it can be a bigger cock, perkier tits, a longer tongue, more stamina. Both lists go on and on.  The root of envy is a fear of inadequacy: of feeling that you/I/we lack something that would otherwise make us somehow "better". The antidotes to envy are contentment and gratitude. A moment's reflection suggests that no matter how modest your home, it represents a homeless person's unattainable dream. No matter whether breasts sag a bit, women who have had mastectomies only have their memories of two healthy breasts. And so on. In vanilla life and in the LS, pausing for a little while each day and reflecting on what you, we, each of us have/has is a fairly effective strategy for dealing with the perfectly normal and near-universal feeling of envy. 

 

Jealousy. This is the harder concept. Most simply, "I have something that someone else wants (and maybe is trying to take away from me)". It usually is a spouse or lover, and it doesn't matter whether it is in the vanilla world or the LS world. Your/my spouse is attractive to--and attracted by--someone else. The root of jealousy is a fear of abandonment--that you/me will be found to be insufficient to meet spouse/partner's needs or at least someone else represents a "trade-up" that you imagine your partner would be willing to make. The emotion is so powerful, the potential for pain so perceptibly real, that violence not infrequently creeps into the imagined resolution--doing whatever "in a fit of jealous rage". This is a reaction to the depth of fear/pain associated with abandonment. Whether the fear is reasonable or just silly is immaterial. How it is perceived is what matters. The antidote here is described the neologism, "compersion". At its core, compersion asks one to feel happiness at a loved one's joy at/with/because of someone else. In the LS, it's often framed as the experience of physical pleasure. But the concept comes up in vanilla life as well--for example your spouse is an accomplished dancer, s/he and her partner are regional tango champions--and you have two left feet. Or your spouse is elected president of the big professional society where people fall over them to tell them how wonderful and accomplished they are--and you didn't get a raise this year. The "I am not good enough for spouse" tape starts playing in your head and won't go away. It can be hard to celebrate and find joy in their whatever when framing their whatever in terms of what you are not able to bring to the relationship. Here's the point: the "hurt" is nearly always self-inflicted, the consequence of imagined potential loss/abandonment.