Tried swinging and he loved it but I liked it less each time

[Jencherry 0]

My husband and I talked about swinging for years and he did bring it up for anyone who might ask. I felt intrigued but also weary but wanted to try. So eventually we met up with some friends and we played around and it was fun but it was just playing not actually sex happened that night.
 The next time we did a full swap and at first it was fun but then after a bit I started to no like him with her and just got out of the mood. I know… I’m a bummer. I was bummed with myself. I had the image of him bending her over and I just didn’t like it all and knew it was my own mindset and want mad at him. I trust him and love him and am not scared of him leaving me but it just didn’t settle well. Another couple approached us a few years later and I reluctantly voiced my feelings to him saying I don’t like how I feel with and other girls and I feel bad and want to change my mind set but that yes in total honesty it made me feel rotten after. He was pissed and said he felt like we had freed our minds and were at a different level in a relationship and that he doesn’t know if he loves me on that same level anymore because of it. Well we worked through it and I tried it again on my own free will with this couple and it left me feeling rotten still and I told him I didn’t like seeing him fuck her but I’m trying to free my mind and get to his level and he got frustrated. We got together with this couple again and the guy told my husband to fuck his wife and he hesitated and me just wanting to make him happy said go ahead and he got pissed. We talked about it as a group and they said they understood and that we can still have fun. Well we stopped seeing them due to multiple reasons. 
 

 NOW he told me he signed up for a swingers website because finding a trustworthy guy is difficult and asked how I felt about it. I was going to say I was nervous due to my feelings in the past but he saw my face and got angry. He said that we are just not on the same level and what he though was love might not be at all and that his feelings are like the feelings a person gets when cheated on. 

we have tried with a couple guys as a thresome and the first couple times were thrilling but then it just didn’t feel right after the first couple times. All I can think is sex for me can’t be so disconnected. I have to love the person or it’s just not enjoyable.
 

 Has anything like this happened with any of you? I feel like a failure and wish I could just change how I feel but I have tried many times and different people and I just am left not happy.

[enhancer 1,586]

Never happened to me no!  You are clearly not happy about the lifestyle so you should not keep trying to force yourself to be and neither should your husband.  It does not make you a failure in anyway.  It is just not for you and your husband needs to back off.  It sounds like you two should just be working on you two right now.

[NerdsAreFun 229]

Sounds like you've given it more than a fair shot and it's just not for you, at least not right now under the conditions you've been trying.  You may have more success with a FWB situation so there's some connection rather than random hookups. 

 

But this is a serious red flag that the relationship needs work and that your husband needs some maturity.

"He said that we are just not on the same level and what he though was love might not be at all and that his feelings are like the feelings a person gets when cheated on."

[lcmim 1,086]

Both nerds and enhancer  make good points. Not being wired that way or not being ready now are both perfectly fine places to be. It is a very good thing that you realize it and can put it into words.

 

Another thing to consider is that there are different approaches to swinging.

 

There are , of course the "sport sex" swingers. Generally I find them fun to be around. 

 

There are the "post notchers". Generally I think they are trying to fill some void in their lives , which in my experience they have not clearly defined. 

 

There are "relational swingers" . This is the approach that I personally follow. The better I know and the more I like a lady and her husband, the more I look forward to being with her.

 

There are other also I am sure, those are just the ones that come to mind at the moment

 

The point is what is it that appeals to you in the concept. It is there that I would you suggest you may find your joy.

You may also find that nothing is all that appealing. That also is a good thing to know.

There is truly no better or worse answer.

 

It sounds as though you may be feeling some pressure to perform or to conform you will to your husband. You get credit for thinking about that, but it can get you into a world or hurt.

I hope he has enough sense to allow you your decisions in the matter without placing any pressure.

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2021 by lcmim