My body

[The other side of us 23]

I don't like my body. I love sex and how it makes me feel, but I don't like my body. Mr makes me feel incredible, he says he loves my body and to be fair there's nothing to suggest otherwise, he compliments me all the time, not just in bed. He touches me, always got a hand on my bum when we are out and about. But I don't always believe him. He buys me sexy underwear and has a hunger in his eyes is I'm wearing it or even naked. But I put it down to me being good in bed.
I've been bigger than I am now and I've also been smaller, Mrs opinion of how I look has never once changed, but to be fair neither has mine.
I'm hoping that over time my self confidence will grow, there's fantasies that I want to at least be confident enough about myself to at least consider doing (does that make any sense?)
In my mind I'm a sexual goddess and live to share fantasies, in my eyes I'm a woman no one would ever want, except Mr.

Does anyone else feel this way? How did/do you deal with it?

[cplnuswing 4,713]

I wish I knew the answer. Not being sarcastic there either, it is such a serious problem in our society that I think of the massive amounts of negativity that could be eliminated if only there was some magical way to get past it.  Sadly, females bear much of the burden of society's unrealistic expectations, and I'm male, so I recognize this is easy for me to say:

 

1) In my experience people who are hung up on their definition of the "ideal" appearance, weight, etc. are tend to be shallow people.  I don't like shallow people and don't want to be around them.  So, I figure they have done me a favor by having self-identified so I know to avoid them.

 

2) If someone thinks appearance counts for all and personality for nothing, then they are kidding themselves.  Those folks will never experience the kind of connection one can enjoy when you connect on all levels, and not just that someone hits a high enough score on their attractiveness scale. Their loss.

 

All of that was a roundabout way of saying how you deal with it is to try to find a positive in it. You can't change another person or their behavior, but when their actions help you make your decisions about whether or not you want to associate with them in some way, then at least you know from the start what you are dealing with, and that's a plus.

[discreetplay 235]

I know women who are 5'6 130 and have a half dozen negative things to say about their body. I know women who are shorter and heavier than that but have no complaints. Sadly, everything is based on the person and not the numbers. And I'm not sure how much a person can change their mindset give it is mainly based on their wiring.

 

I have no idea what you look like. I understand what your SO thinks. He doesn't see the extra weight, he sees his sexy lady. The extra pounds aren't an issue for him (unless you're unhealthy...that would be more of an issue that the appearance). Guys have these self conscious thoughts, though not as much as women do. I have a buddy who is easily 40 pounds overweightbut I've never heard him say anything about it. He works out, eats pretty well but his build matches his father. He knows he'll never be on a magazine cover. He is wired to be a happy-go-lucky, positive guy. I have another buddy who recently lost 35 pounds. He decided to start eating well and looks incredible (6'0 180). He still complains about not being ripped. I've known him for 35 years and he has never been ripped, even when he was super skinny in high school. He just doesn't get super ripped regardless of how much he works out or changes his diet. His wiring makes him quite negative.

 

I've written a few times that 'sexy' is more attitude than looks. The woman with the bad attitude can be the most stunning woman in the world and completely unattractive. You want to 'shoot a man's horse'...start babbling about the extra few pounds you have.  

 

I probably fall a little towards the negative side of the spectrum. I don't complain verbally but I think negative. I work hard to look good, to stay in shape...but believe I have an average build. I know many guys who never workout and look like those in the magazines. Genetics. You have to accept that (1) your body is your body - give it the best fuel, workout, etc but there is only so much you can go with the genetics you have, and (2) you only go around once - live life to the fullest with what you have.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

There are no easy answers. There are a few potentially useful perspectives. 

 

1. Bodies are issued one to a customer. They last a lifetime, no more and no less. 

2. Bodies change with time. In youth, we see growth and development. Soon thereafter begin unopposed degenerative changes owing to gravity and use and abuse. We can only control the last two. 

3. Use is important. There is a "use it or lose it" aspect to almost every aspect of physiology and anatomy. 

4. Abuse is also important. Sun, overwork, toxins distort balance. 

5. Humans have three ways of dealing with perceived imperfection: adornment (jewelry, fashion); concealment (makeup, some textiles); and surgery. Sometimes surgery is helpful to address some defect in development, trauma, cancer etc.  The use of surgery (here we include botox, fillers, cool sculpting in addition to operative procedures) solely for aesthetics reflects mostly the confidence of the client and not those seeing the client. 

 

How others see you sexually is based partly on appearance. But only partly and typically this is only a small part. What you do with your body, and more importantly what you do with your mind, tend to be far stronger drivers of sexuality and sexual appeal than a "perfect body", or face, or nose, or...whatever. 

[cplnuswing 4,713]

1 hour ago, discreetplay said:

I've written a few times that 'sexy' is more attitude than looks. The woman with the bad attitude can be the most stunning woman in the world and completely unattractive. You want to 'shoot a man's horse'...start babbling about the extra few pounds you have.

 

38 minutes ago, Fundamental Law said:

How others see you sexually is based partly on appearance. But only partly and typically this is only a small part. What you do with your body, and more importantly what you do with your mind, tend to be far stronger drivers of sexuality and sexual appeal than a "perfect body", or face, or nose, or...whatever. 

 

Both of these are absolutely true!

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

Haven’t met a woman yet without some form of body issues, unfortunately. Fodder for a whole different forum topic.

Your husband is attracted to you. I bet you catch other guys checking you out too. Don’t waste time waiting to attain some elusive form of perfection. You’re beautiful just the way you are! 

[findinganswers 369]

As we get older we find new things about our bodies, they age too. Some people look one way with clothes and another way without clothes. It is human nature to be attracted to a look, physical attractiveness, the first impression. Do you ever see a mismatched pair and go Huh? Yes Beauty is only skin deep. We met people who are friends of friends, people who I questioned why are they here. Then we got to know them and the more we saw them the more attractive they became. We got to know them as friends and now party people. Looking back I feel so shallow. 

[lovefest04 697]

I think women need to give 'good' men more credit.

 

Sure there are men "bad guys' that see women simply as objects. They hold those women to a very high, no actually an unattainable level of beauty. The magazines, social media, click bait is seen as real and as the goal for all women. It's totally unfair.

 

Then there are the 'good' guys. Those that see women in 3, 4 or 5 dimensions. All of those dimensions together make a women (or man for that matter) sexy, attractive, beautiful, interesting and exceptional.

 

I know my wife of 42 years doesn't look the way she did when we met in high school. So the fuck what. I still get a hard on just touching her ass, caressing her skin, listening to her voice in the dark early in the morning . She is my sexy and always will be. We've built a life together. Raised children. Had adventures. Kept secrets (like swinging). If I stop getting a hard on for her (figuratively speaking) I'd go see a shrink. It won't be on her, it would be on me.

 

She tells me she isn't sexy. Tries to hide her perceived flaws. Frankly, it pisses me off. That behavior can only close me off. I get it, she's got the messaging of the world to content with, as do you.

 

But...

 

If your guy is telling you "he loves your body" believe him. Sounds like you found a 'good' one.

 

S

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

There will always be women who you deem as 'more attractive' than you and women who are 'less attractive' than you. Understand that beauty is only skin deep, but sexy has nothing to do with your skin at all. It comes from way deeper than the skin and has everything to do with your confidence and how you feel inside. Let that out and you will be just fine. Just reading your post, I got the impression that you are much more attractive than you think (your husband is right) but that you are wanting to let the sexy out as well. Quit worrying about how others 'see' you, and show the world who you are inside.