Full Swap Flop

[Deegee 0]

Hello,

We have been swinging with no full swap for 7-8 years now. Everything has been fine. Our marriage has endured some ups and downs. About 3 years ago we met a couple. Based on their profile we knew that they were—for lack of a better word hard core swingers. We met them a couple of times. 

Somewhere along the line we decided to full swap with them. But the caveat was that it would only be mfm (me my husband and the other guy) so we proposed it.  The man said his wife would come but she would just be a spectator. 

Needless to say it did not turn out that way. I guess maybe you could classify it as a divide and conquer and we’ve been in this situation before but it was always clear that we were not full swingers so despite attempts from the other couple  it was never  an issue for my husband and I. 

This was different. We knew that it was going to be a full swing. 

 

Immediately my clothes were off and he was having sex with me. My husband did not even have a chance to react. She grabbed him. He continued with me. It was lack luster at best but I kept going and going. About 90 mins passed. There were breaks etc… not once did I call for my husband. I faked a lot of it kind of just hoping it would end because it was really not that great at all (my husband is a fantastic lover….this guy despite being very experienced was not) 

My husband tried to have sex with his wife but he just wasn’t able to. 

I did not stop him. He has me in 4-5 different positions. My husband did not stop him. I did not call for my husband to join

Now 3 months later my husband can not get passed it. He feels betrayed because this was supposed to be mfm. I was supposed to be shared not just taken. 

I kissed this guy he kissed my neck. As i said I faked a lot of it but my husband doesn’t believe it because I sounded exactly like I do with him. 

 

My marriage is shattered. My husband is shattered. He’s heartbroken. I don’t know if this can be repaired. He’s not ready for therapy nor does he have any trust that it will work and he’s worried about relapsing into depression (for about 3 weeks after he could barely lift his head to get out of bed) 

 

Before this, I never wanted to full swap. For me that was a sacred bond between husband and wife. Somewhere along the line I decided it was ok. I don’t actually know when. I don’t understand why. 

 

I’m just looking for not necessarily advise but just maybe a different perspective that I can share with my husband. From someone who has been through this. 

[Billygoat 443]

Sorry to read of your less than pleasant encounter.

 

so many questions but I will share my thoughts based on what you have provided.

 

many times new couples and singles start off with a less then enjoyable experience.  This is based on many variables but can be boiled down to one over all concentration….expectations.   
 

the second thing that comes to mind is communication.  Largely between you and your husband but also who you choose to be with.  The parameters of what you want and are willing to experience.  Safe words.  Deal killer situations etc.

 

lastly there is the first time issue.  Men and women are very distinctly different in this area.  Generally the female gender is made to accept different and repeated couplings.  As human mammals over the maturing eons of time women have choice and societal norms that restrict the natural ability with acceptable behavior norms, guilt and conscience.  Males are essentially a one and done gender.  Males require a refractory period of time.   There is also a primitive drive to over achieve, out perform the other male.  We are also very visual.  We see so we get turned on.  So your husband experienced what many males experience the first time or for several times, sensory over load.  He saw too much, had too much happening around him, to him, while trying to keep and eye on you, protect you, make sure you were not being hurt or uncomfortable.  This is why the first few experiences the male partner doesn’t achieve orgasm let alone an erection.  
 

so my two cents is he is embarrassed and feeling left out and less than after the experience.  Because of his experience and lack of he watched you move on through your experience seemingly with out issue.  So he feels less than.  He probably thinks you feel and look upon him as less than.  Emasculated in your eyes.  Very bruised ego.

 

do not discuss or venture any more in the lifestyle until you both are settled and comfortable with each other.  If you do decide to move forward go with baby steps.  Be that couple that attends, talks, mingles meet and listen to other couples but only play as a couple between you two.  First in closed room.  Maybe later in open room.  If you want to try MFM again wait and find a single male or husband allowed to play alone that you are comfortable with and that has many years experience.

 

well that in general is my two cents based on what you wrote I hope it is helpful.  
 

[EastInWest 1,524]

7 hours ago, Deegee said:

My marriage is shattered. My husband is shattered. He’s heartbroken. I don’t know if this can be repaired. He’s not ready for therapy nor does he have any trust that it will work and he’s worried about relapsing into depression (for about 3 weeks after he could barely lift his head to get out of bed) 

There's a lot going on in this sentence, in particular. This is a sensitive situation and I think getting to the root of why is important.

 

Does your husband feel anger toward you for not stopping it? Anger toward himself for going along with it? Guilt for enjoying what happened? Shame that he tried it? The depth of the reaction here seems suggestive of something deeper than just a failed erection, and he may be having trouble talking to his wife - or to a woman, generally - about it.

[Eddiem 139]

On 1/3/2022 at 7:26 AM, Deegee said:

Hello,

We have been swinging with no full swap for 7-8 years now. Everything has been fine. Our marriage has endured some ups and downs. About 3 years ago we met a couple. Based on their profile we knew that they were—for lack of a better word hard core swingers. We met them a couple of times. 

Somewhere along the line we decided to full swap with them. But the caveat was that it would only be mfm (me my husband and the other guy) so we proposed it.  The man said his wife would come but she would just be a spectator. 

Needless to say it did not turn out that way. I guess maybe you could classify it as a divide and conquer and we’ve been in this situation before but it was always clear that we were not full swingers so despite attempts from the other couple  it was never  an issue for my husband and I. 

This was different. We knew that it was going to be a full swing. 

 

Immediately my clothes were off and he was having sex with me. My husband did not even have a chance to react. She grabbed him. He continued with me. It was lack luster at best but I kept going and going. About 90 mins passed. There were breaks etc… not once did I call for my husband. I faked a lot of it kind of just hoping it would end because it was really not that great at all (my husband is a fantastic lover….this guy despite being very experienced was not) 

My husband tried to have sex with his wife but he just wasn’t able to. 

I did not stop him. He has me in 4-5 different positions. My husband did not stop him. I did not call for my husband to join

Now 3 months later my husband can not get passed it. He feels betrayed because this was supposed to be mfm. I was supposed to be shared not just taken. 

I kissed this guy he kissed my neck. As i said I faked a lot of it but my husband doesn’t believe it because I sounded exactly like I do with him. 

 

My marriage is shattered. My husband is shattered. He’s heartbroken. I don’t know if this can be repaired. He’s not ready for therapy nor does he have any trust that it will work and he’s worried about relapsing into depression (for about 3 weeks after he could barely lift his head to get out of bed) 

 

Before this, I never wanted to full swap. For me that was a sacred bond between husband and wife. Somewhere along the line I decided it was ok. I don’t actually know when. I don’t understand why. 

 

I’m just looking for not necessarily advise but just maybe a different perspective that I can share with my husband. From someone who has been through this. 

So you were planning on being the F in a MFM. Your husband was one of the "M" and he was angry, distraught that you had sex with another guy? Am I missing something here? What did he expect in the MFM? Did you not want to have sex with the other guys? 

 

Look it sucks when some anger and jealousy come into play and it does happen. Talk, talk, talk. We had some experienced that were spontaneous and yes I was kind of erotically excited then jealous and happy at the same time. Seeijng my best buddy cum inside my wife bare was the most nerve racking seconds of my life but was hot and we talked through it. Was wonderful...

[AndrewandAnn 360]

On 1/3/2022 at 1:26 AM, Deegee said:

My marriage is shattered. My husband is shattered. He’s heartbroken. I don’t know if this can be repaired. He’s not ready for therapy nor does he have any trust that it will work and he’s worried about relapsing into depression (for about 3 weeks after he could barely lift his head to get out of bed) 

 

Before this, I never wanted to full swap. For me that was a sacred bond between husband and wife. Somewhere along the line I decided it was ok. I don’t actually know when. I don’t understand why. 

 

I’m just looking for not necessarily advise but just maybe a different perspective that I can share with my husband. From someone who has been through this. 

It's unfortunate this happened. It's obvious your relationship was not prepared. You two got in over your heads and now you two are paying a heavy price. As the song goes, "The water is warm 'til you discover how deep".

 

Some sober advice: Your husband needs professional help. You need  professional help. Your marriage needs professional help. The longer you wait to get it, the bigger the problems.

 

Clinical depression and a shattered relationship with zero communication are not things that can be fixed with some helpful words on an internet forum.

 

Pick up the phone, schedule an appointment with a mental health professional, and drag your husband there if you have to. But do it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Best of luck.