Am I Solo Play Jealous?

[GingerBuckeye 1]

So after almost 2 years of my wife being in the lifestyle we ran across some bad experiences and more common than not couples where we aren't fully compatible. So we brought up the idea of solo play one evening and how it would work and if there were any "rules" other than communicating before hand. you know, the usual stuff that all normal couples discuss in the lifestyle.

 

Well the next day my wife approaches me to tell me a few things. That she has a man that she is interested in playing with and that she has known him for over 10 years and before we met that they used to fuck regularly. She was single but he always had girlfriends that he could not stay faithful to.  She had stayed in contact with him through social media and runs into him from time to time in public where he always asks if they are ever going to fuck again. She has always turned him down. This I know. But now that we have opened the door to solo play she would like to play with him because of familiarity and she feels safe.

 

So after more discussion I agreed that it was okay. I would like to play solo as well but has not seemed to work out because the female either flakes out or doesn't believe that I have permission from the wife.

 

The following week while she had the week off she texts me to say "He called me to see if I could come over is that alright?". I could not really refuse since I already signed off on the idea but did not expect it to happen so quickly. I feel like I had agreed to a situation where she wanted to see this man for a long time and it was just a matter getting me onboard or okay with it.

 

They spent day together breakfast, then to his house until late in the afternoon.

 

The idea of her being with someone else does not bother me. We've played numerous times with many couples. I have a few things that make me uneasy about this arrangement. I was first upset that it happened so quickly. I stated to her that I felt like she should have called me or talked about it before I left for work. It felt too convenient that he contacted her 5 minutes after I got to the office and a text to me felt very impersonal especially for our first encounter that was solo play. Additionally, he is not in the lifestyle. He has a girlfriend that is unaware of the situation. So he is cheating. As I said before they have known each other for over a decade and have had a casual sexual relationship in the past. 

 

Am I just being jealous  that every time I am away from the house and they both have the same day off, which is every week, that they are spending the day together. We talked that solo play would only be a once a month thing and that we would sort of schedule it days ahead like a date. This felt like more of a booty call or that it was planned ahead of time without me knowing.

 

And am I jealous that with my schedule solo play is difficult for me and that when I am home she is home too. So I would have to leave her home while I go on a date versus playing with someone while my wife is at work.

[njbm 2,901]

Swingers have to play with swingers, not cheaters. The lifestyle has a code of ethics. Cheating is based on duplicity and lying. Swinging is based on truth and disclosure. 
 

Swinging separately requires a higher level of trust. It’s not going to work with cheaters. They are different approaches. That is why you feel uncomfortable. Your wife is involved in an extramarital affair, not a true swinging experience. That’s my take, others may disagree or find this arrangement a turn on. But only your feelings and those of your wife matter. 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

2 hours ago, njbm said:

But only your feelings and those of your wife matter. 

I was right there with you until the sentence above.

 

This is not true.

 

As I wrote in a different thread, cheating is not a victimless pursuit. That's why it is called cheating. There are other human being(s) harmed, knowingly or unknowingly, and his/her feelings matter, too.

 

The OP admits this behavior is not consistent with his moral compass. For this reason, he should discuss this immediately with his girlfriend and explain they need to tighten down the rules of the game. Playing solo does not equate to having illicit affairs with people in other relationships.

 

Lastly, it appears to me there is quite a bit more to the story. A romp in the sack here and there is one thing. But spending an entire day together once every week? That doesn't pass the sniff test. There's more happening between these two than simply sex.

 

[GingerBuckeye 1]

Kinda my thought on all the above. If this were a man from one of the couples we have swapped with or a guy that has been in the lifestyle I think I would feel differently. Thanks for the comments. Have to find the proper approach to address the situation.

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

From Katrina:  First, stick to the information you know, not suppositions that simply appear valid. In swinging, if one member of the couple becomes uncomfortable things stop and are reviewed until the marriage returns to being the primary focus. Lastly, sex is powerful, if you play on the edge of its your nose gets 'bloodied' once in a while. Lastly, you are never locked into agreeing to anything, ever.

 

From Driver X: How can any of this be a surprise to you."My wife is taking a day with a guy she used to fuck. They fucked a lot and mostly as he cheated on his girlfriends. My wife LOVED the sex. In fact their recent  new encounter was made to seem improvised yet may have been slightly planned or, at least came together far too easily, They're doing it once a week, now. What could go wrong ?"

 

She's making plans and they don't include you. He knows what he's doing; he's done it for a very long time. He knows exactly how to get his cock, into your wife.