New, confused, and terrified....

[Pegasus78 7]

My husband wanted (and was granted) an open relationship.  This still makes me terribly jealous and afraid, but I understand that these are MY emotions, and I am trying to work through them.  He has slept with a close friend of mine twice, and I know that he is only in that for the sex, and is not at all in love with her.  She is also only in it for the sex, and is absolutely open about anything that I want to know.  I am still struggling mightly, but I know this about MY insecurities, not theirs.  I also firmly believe in my rational mind that monogamy is a social construct that isn't necessary....and would like to be as emotionally accepting as I am logically accepting.
He desperately wants a threesome with me and another woman, which he has had in a prior relationship, and apparently is his favorite thing.  He constantly reminds me that he is open to anything I want to try....but I don't know that I want anything yet.....or ever.  He is offering to swing....and take me to parties or a resort so I could even just look around and experience the atmosphere.  I honestly feel like he is pushing, but I also don't like being afraid of things, so I am tempted to go just to challenge my fears.
I am nervous about ANY additional sexual encounters.  I am not a sexually adventurous person, and many of my prior experiences with sex have been negative (aka. men trying to force me to do things I didn't want to, including an attempted rape when I was VERY young, which was foiled when I seriously injured the primary offender).  I don't have a significant desire to sleep with anyone else....I am vaguely curious, but terrified to even think about it.  I don't fantasize about sleeping with other people because I can't manage to trust anyone I don't know fairly well.  My friend also tells me I may be demi-sexual....which might explain why I am rarely physically attracted to another person until I get to know them.  I am always tense and nervous during my first sexual encounters....which makes orgasm unlikely, and sometimes even makes things painful.
It sounds amazing though...the idea that people can be so open and free, and the idea that it could just be "playtime".  But I dread the idea of the possible shame, pain, and other emotional stress I am not sure I can handle.  I would love to talk to a therapist about it....but they are terribly expensive, and I don't know that my insurance will cover the cost of finding one that won't be judgemental and has ANY clue of how to help someone through this situation.  I am in a very rural area and people here would DEFINITELY judge, so I'd have to do something online....which is available, but probably not covered.
I want my husband to be happy, and I don't particularly like being afraid, but I am already struggling with my emotions regarding the open relationship.  I am a fairly large adrenaline junkie in the remainder of my life, so this surprises everyone who finds out about it.
Can you go to a party or a resort and just bluntly tell people no if you only want to hang out?  Is there a place I could go and learn safely without being pressured to do anything?
Any words of wisdom?  Advice?
I want to be better than I am about this.

[NC_Seniors 519]

5 hours ago, Pegasus78 said:

Can you go to a party or a resort and just bluntly tell people no if you only want to hang out? 

In a word … yes!  Well, maybe not bluntly, but a simple, “No, thank you … I’m just here to see how I feel about the experience.” is all you owe anybody.  If someone pressures you after that, you should notify the party host or club/resort management and it’s *their* responsibility to deal with the offender.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

I am impressed with your ability to separate your emotional fears from the rationale/logical and speak to both very clearly. Bravo.

You can indeed attend a resort to just hang out. And, you won't be 'pressured'.  Check out Desire - couples only, clothing optional resorts in Cancun. There are two: Pearl and Riviera Maya. Of the couples who attend I would guess 1/3 are active swingers, 1/3 are nudists and 1/3 are folks who just like being around other openminded people in a sexy environment. They may be toe dippers and open to some light play or not. Biggest rule in this pastime is no means no. It is rarely violated and would be grounds for removal at Desire. You might be approached - no need to be blunt - just polite no thanks is all that is required. 

Great opportunity to observe but also talk with other couples who likely have struggled with some of your same emotions and made their way to the other side. 

 

Another thought is to check out some podcasts. Lot's of great advice on many of the things you might encounter in this hobby. There are many, but We've Gotta Thing is a good place to start. If you can track down Swinger Diaries that would be excellent as well. 

Edited January 17, 2022 by Fitlakecouple

[TeamCalgary 169]

Hello Pegasus78,

 

Welcome to the board; you are welcome here and there is nothing that can not be shared here.

 

It sounds like your husband has made his desires/wants very clear to you;

perhaps you need to be equally forthcoming to him, even if those desires reflect hesitancy and/or caution.

 

Don't second guess your feelings, accept them. They are a reflection of who you are a where you are 

and they are dynamic and can, and may potentially change over time. 

 

Enjoy the options that the lifestyle may present to you, and do this on your own terms, when and what

feels right for you. 

 

 

[lcmim 1,086]

I read your post more than once this morning and had my wife read it this afternoon. She had the same question I did.

Was this “open marriage” a fait accompli to which you acquiesced or was it a decision arrived at through discussion and mutual consent?

 

This is all new to you. New can be spooky. Being nervous is natural.

 

There are many, myself included, that have a hard time responding to others sexually unless I know them well enough. Sometimes that happens fast other times not at all. Relax this is normal.

 

You seem to have a handle on the logical theory of all this. That is only part of it. Your feelings and instincts are also valid portions of you. They have just if not more value than your logic and deserve consideration.

There is no “you should” or “you shouldn’t” feel a certain way. You are entitled to feel how you feel and most husbands or wives would work with that.

 

  In many marriages that enter the lifestyle, the agreement is that if one party wants out then both are gone. I would say that you have been very generous in the freedoms that you are allowing your husband.

So far it sounds like he is getting the Lions share of the deal.

 

There is an adage in the LS that the man may lead a couple into it, but it is the woman who keeps it there. There are many instances in which once she attains a taste for this, the wife runs circles around her husband sexually.

 

 You may never acquire the taste, not everyone does. I just mentioned this, because I hope your husband is aware of the possibility, and that it is part of his wish fulfillment list.

[Verypicky69 4]

I believe if your a adrenalin junkie. you will love it. your just afraid if losing control and being judge. reality is you will get more attention than your husband , so hope he likes watching you get pleasured 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

Pegasus, I'm seeing warning signs going up here, and I strongly echo much of that lcmim said above. We're only working off of what you have posted, but it appears to me that while your husband has been very forthcoming about his desires, it feels a bit like your acceptance of this is at least partially coerced. It shouldn't be like that, and if it is that is a recipe for disaster. Jealousy is a very, very negative emotion. I won't say that swinger couples don't experience jealousy. That can happen. Even though jealous is a very strong negative emotion and one to be avoided, there is some kernel of wisdom in it that is speaking to you. It is quite possible you are not ready for this, and need your husband to step back and wait for you to catch up (if you do at all, which is a perfectly acceptable outcome).

 

Wanting to conquer your fears is quite admirable. I would wish that for many people. So many people encounter fears and never overcome them. I think this is an active hindrance in many people's lives. Yet, sometimes those fears are telling you things you need to hear; step away from the cliff edge, don't jump out of that plane, etc. This could be one of those times. Only you can determine that. Fears are legitimate concerns that have to be addressed in overcoming them, as sometimes you DON'T want to overcome them.

 

Being a non-participant at a party or a resort is perfectly acceptable. As others have noted, people in the lifestyle are respectful of "no". If they weren't, there wouldn't be a lifestyle like this. If any individuals are not respectful of that, they will be leaving, whether willingly or not. Going to a party, club, or resort you will be safe from any unwanted advances past you saying "No, but thanks for asking!"

[Pegasus78 7]

7 hours ago, TeamCalgary said:

Hello Pegasus78,

 

Welcome to the board; you are welcome here and there is nothing that can not be shared here.

 

It sounds like your husband has made his desires/wants very clear to you;

perhaps you need to be equally forthcoming to him, even if those desires reflect hesitancy and/or caution.

 

 

Thank you for the welcome - I am elated to find so many nice people who are willing to try and explain and help me navigate this emotional morass!
I have been fairly open with him, and he has said flat out that anytime I choose I can stop everything.  I am a bit concerned that if I do this, he will resent me, but I also know that if that happens....there are far bigger problems.  I think he knows that too, but that's another thing we should probably discuss, hmm? 

He knows I am nervous about it, and I think he is trying not to pressure....possibly failing a bit because he is so excited about the idea, but he has backed off a lot lately after I asked him a bunch of scenario questions.  I think he realizes more and more that this is not something that always feels "safe" for women.  He has always known and respected the idea that woman makes the choice, but maybe for the first time he is confronted with the reality of why.

I struggle with the problem of "I don't know what I don't know", and therefore have NO idea how I will emotionally respond to some of this until it actually happens.  So I am trying to decide on the safest path to test this out, since with no experience, I don't want to rule it out altogether.   I'd like to give everything a chance, but I also don't want to get hurt/shamed/etc in the process.....so I am seeking information.  I greatly appreciate everyone who is willing to provide help with their knowledge!!

[Pegasus78 7]

6 hours ago, lcmim said:

I read your post more than once this morning and had my wife read it this afternoon. She had the same question I did.

Was this “open marriage” a fait accompli to which you acquiesced or was it a decision arrived at through discussion and mutual consent?

He kind of blindsided me with it.  I do feel a bit like he had ulterior motives that he never clarified prior to being married, and we have discussed that.  However, I don't believe that he is entirely wrong in his desires.
For a little background, I tend to "work hard, play hard" and it is not uncommon that some old injuries act up a couple times a year.  I am not always able/willing to have sex, and there may even be times when recovery is a month or more.  Nor do I want to be someone who withholds sex to use a weapon, but I also don't want to sleep with him when I'm annoyed!  There is a part of me that feels some level of relief that his desire is not all on me, and that he really can't complain that I don't put out, when he is welcome to seek pleasure elsewhere!

I also wouldn't say I have a lower sex drive, but I have much better control over it.  I was celibate by choice for 10 years (not religious, just figuring life out, and wanted no complications), and am very capable of going without.  It's not that I don't enjoy it, because I do, but it's a much lower priority for me than for him.  The open marriage idea made sense.  The uninvited emotions that show up with it?  Not so much.  lol

The swinging thing?  I don't know if I want to be involved in that close to home (again with complications), but I am also definitely wondering if I wouldn't enjoy getting out to a resort every once in a while and letting loose.  The idea that he could maybe have some fun, and even if I didn't want to partake there's always a beach and food I don't have to cook, is admittedly tantalizing.

I do feel like I need a better understanding of what the lines are, and the social norms....which this board has been very helpful with!  I am curious about the internal relation with the married couple and exactly what interactions are considered inappropriate.  Like where do you draw the line?  How uncomfortable is TOO uncomfortable?  I am aware that new things feel awkward and weird....so I am trying to figure out when I am being overly sensitive, or if there are times he is approaching things inappropriately and needs to be more understanding about it.

Lots to unpack here I think.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

On 1/17/2022 at 1:47 AM, Pegasus78 said:

My husband wanted (and was granted) an open relationship.

This forum is called the Swingers Board and members here have experience in that topic / dynamic. Any advice you receive will likely come from that perspective. What is normal or appropriate in the very broad world of swinging may not at all apply to the norms of an open marriage. Just be careful to not conflate the two topics. You may need to read up on both if nothing more than to understand what you have already agreed to...

 

7 hours ago, Pegasus78 said:

I struggle with the problem of "I don't know what I don't know", and therefore have NO idea how I will emotionally respond to some of this until it actually happens.

This is true for everyone, including your husband. Fantasy and pillow talk is one thing, but nobody knows how they will respond until they find themselves in the actual situation. An FFM threesome may be every man's fantasy - then, one day he is in bed with two gorgeous willing women and he can't maintain an erection. Or, he convinces his wife to try swinging, against her better judgement she agrees. Fast forward: she is getting fucked very well by a handsome man with skills who makes her orgasm over and over - now the hubby is jealous and resentful of his wife enjoying herself. Equally possible is: he is not only turned-on but truly happy for his wife and lover for having a wonderful time together. The point is - you cannot know until you try it. No one here can tell you how you will feel or respond.

[NoAngels 349]

Our open marriage was very one sided with me making the rule that I could play around without her knowledge. I know that what I did was not right, most women would have thrown me out to the street. I was not in love with anybody, I said I was in love with my wife. Our first attempt at counseling was eye opening if not exactly successful. The real success is my wife and I spoke more, primarily me trying to explain the unexplainable, me having sex with others. 
Similar to the OP I tried to convince my wife to have sex with someone else. I was suggesting a true open marriage. It wasn’t easy for her to find the nerve to meet just to have sex. She overcame her fear. 

[lcmim 1,086]

6 hours ago, Fitlakecouple said:

This forum is called the Swingers Board and members here have experience in that topic / dynamic. Any advice you receive will likely come from that perspective.

On another thread, it might be fun to look at how the different these and other terms overlap. We are primarily swingers of the "wife swapping" type, although my wife occasionally plays on her own, as could I if the mood struck. This may border on hotwife or open marriage.

 

You are correct though that most of the advice here will likely be from couple to couple swingers. It was a useful caveat to put out there.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

8 minutes ago, lcmim said:

On another thread, it might be fun to look at how the different these and other terms overlap.

Agree. Lot's of nuances to discuss and we will not all agree for sure. You could perhaps refer to the OP as a cuck quean (being a cuckold doesn't necessarily require humiliation). As she appears to have little say in her husbands activities and is not involved in selecting partners or participating. She has agreed - so according to her the nonmonogamy is consensual. And, for the record , I do not feel swinging must include both parties participating at the same time - such as a swap. But as you say  best to take that to a new thread. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Pegasus: One question...is this something that you want? Not that you want because he wants it and you want to make him happy. Is this something you want (and if it is, maybe why)?

[Pegasus78 7]

1 hour ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Pegasus: One question...is this something that you want? Not that you want because he wants it and you want to make him happy. Is this something you want (and if it is, maybe why)?

That's probably the best question of all.  The answer is, I don't know.  Which is probably why I am so confused at the moment.
It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, but it also sounds pretty scary and intimidating to me.  I am not sure what I want....obviously the correct answer is not to jump into anything right now, and that is where I am at.  The more answers (and questions) I read here, the more it clarifies to me that I am definitely not prepared for something like this.  Obviously I need to do a lot more research and soul searching.  This is not anything I ever considered as an option, and while I intellectually understand the possible benefits of the lifestyle, I don't emotionally know how to handle it.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

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I struggle with the problem of "I don't know what I don't know", and therefore have NO idea how I will emotionally respond to some of this until it actually happens.

For my wife and I, we talked extensively about all sorts of questions, thoughts and feelings. We frequently went back over things we'd previously discussed. This went on for months before we finally dipped our toes in the pool. We eventually got to a point where we felt we'd talked it all out, and nothing remained but to give it a go. Ask every question you can imagine, whether it be to us here or your husband. Talk it out, think it out, feel it out. This is new territory. In our society, we're not raised to understand non-monogamy as a successful relati1144444444444444444444444444444444444444444.....(that was my cat getting in the way!)...monogamy as a successful relationship model. It can take time to wrap your head around the emotions and thoughts.

 

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I am aware that new things feel awkward and weird....so I am trying to figure out when I am being overly sensitive, or if there are times he is approaching things inappropriately and needs to be more understanding about it.

It can take time to feel like this is all 'normal'. But, it can feel very much like that. I don't think there's a time when you can be oversensitive. Listen to yourself. You're speaking volumes in your internal voice. Trust yourself well enough to go that deep inside of you to find out these things about yourself. That journey alone is worth it. If you think your husband is doing something inappropriate, speak your mind.

 

 

[lcmim 1,086]

5 minutes ago, bbarnsworth said:

Trust yourself well enough to go that deep inside of you to find out these things about yourself. That journey alone is worth it. If you think your husband is doing something inappropriate, speak your mind.

 

 

Wise advice.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

That's what it sounded like. If you aren't SURE this is what you want to do, then you shouldn't be doing it, and he should be willing to stop and wait until you are sure it is (which might never happen). All the reasons for having an open marriage are HIS reasons, not yours, and he married you knowing what he was getting in advance. If Ms. Gold wasn't interested in swinging, we wouldn't have done it. If she asked that we stop, we would stop, no questions asked.

 

Some people just aren't 'wired' for non-monogamy and there's no way to change that. To be a successful swinger (this includes having an open marriage) your relationship must have an abundance of love, trust, and communication to have a chance. It doesn't sound like your relationship has that (yet) therefore you shouldn't be swinging. On top of that, we STRONGLY advise that you don't swing with vanilla friends since they are usually not ready for the emotions involved, and you are taking the chance that if things go bad, then EVERYONE knows what you are doing in your bedroom...friends, family, co-workers. Sleeping with a close friend of yours is really pushing anyone's limits (we personally think that he went WAY too far with this). You two need to have a serious talk where you ask him to STOP until you have time to figure what you want to do. If he isn't willing to stop, then you know you aren't that important to him. Even if he is, you both need to agree on rules and limits and NEVER violate them...close friends being off limits is one we think you should have. Other rules we have are:

 

No means NO!

Stop mean STOP (including stopping swinging if asked)

Never move faster than the slowest member is comfortable with

Never 'take one for the team'

 

We wish you the best, but are very concerned for you. Let us know how things go.

 

If he loves you, he'll be willing to wait while you decide...knowing that you may never decide to do this.