Daughter found out that we are swingers and now wishes to try it. What do we say and do?

[sweetcadcouple 40]

There was topic the other day about what to do with all there swinging photos/videos. Well this past Christmas holiday my husband got himself a new computer, he follow the basic installation. while installing he installed OneDrive. A few days later our daughter saw a new icon on her laptop with the OneDrive icon and saw us in one of are "parties" from 2016. Hubby didn't realize he put it in shared mode.  She kinda freak out and call us to her room and explain ourselves and what we are doing. At that point since the cat is out of the bag, we told her the truth and about us and our lifestyle and what we have done. She was asking us a whole lot of questions and we were honest to all her questions. During all this confession, our daughter told us that she is bi too, only since June 2021, and told us her first time happen in a foursome with her ex bf at the time and her bff and her bf in a after school prom party. During the Covid lock down she felt bored and wishes to try new stuff. So with her friends and all four agree to try something new and try the foursome. She told us that she like the experience and she and them continued to have experience with three and four some till my daughter broke up with her bf ( for other reason) and she continued to have threesome with her bff and bf ever once and a while.

 

Recently she ask us that she wanted to try it and become a swinger and see what it was like. She ask us if it ok with us to take her to 1 of our local clubs for her 19 birthday in March  (legal age where we are from) and (if there no other delay in opening thing open up).

It was something we did not expect to be ask from her. I was speechless for the first time in a long time. I did not know how to answer her. I know I need to give her answer soon. I know I can not keep dodging the question and I need to answer her soon. 

We haven't told any of our swingers friends about her and her request . She the oldest of all our swingers friends who have kids. We never really talk about it, our kids life, We do not know if any of our swingers friends haved shared their personal life to there own kids.

We know our daughter is adult, gonna be 19 in March, old enough to make her own choices in life. We trust her judgment.

If we do not give her our blessing we don't how she will react, she might go off and go own her own without any real knowledge of the people she hang out with. And if we do give our blessings we know that she will be safe with people and places that we know and we can give her the best advice we can.

We are aware that if we do give our blessings there a good chance that she might be "playing" with are swingers friends. And we are ok with that. It all part of the Swinger lifestyle. Different people, different ages, everyone there having a good time.

Our question to you all is, how do we proceed, do we give her our blessings or not. Any parents here that had similar situation happen to them. And any people here who has swingers parents ? what was it like knowing that your parents were swingers. What was it like knowing the  truth about them.

Thank you for your time in reading this long text. And thanks in advance for the replies.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

We think you answer questions and share the wisdom you have learned.

 

Taking her to a club would depend on your comfort levels. If it makes you feel weird. don't

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think of swingers as people who have significant relationship experience, and are involved in a very deep, meaningful, and close relationship when they get into swinging. That's not say your daughter can't, but the demographic for swinging isn't 18-20 year olds, to be sure.

 

You've already done a great service to her in being open and honest. Continue to be so, answer her questions as best you can. As with NWAtlSwing, taking her to a club is up to your comfort levels. Do you really want to see your daughter in such a situation? Up to you.

[njbm 2,870]

I would not want to see relatives in a nudist or swingers setting. Just too much info. Some things are best left private. 

If she wants to swing, she’s an adult, it’s her choice. 

 

Condoms and the HPV vaccine are good ideas for her. 
 

Maybe the hankering for this pursuit is genetic!

[EastInWest 1,524]

Really unusual - and yet obvious - situation.

 

I do tend to think it's pretty fraught for you to be even adjacent to her own exploration. I would also have concerns about someone at 19 being taken advantage of attempting this solo, although also, being slightly taken advantage of can - in some ways - just be part of learning and growing up even for vanilla people.

 

Arm's length advice on questions she wants answers to might be the best way to approach this, without demonstrating too much interest. I can certainly understand her curiosity about seeing the club, but maybe if you want to introduce her to what that side of your lives are like, setting a hard boundary that it's purely a social outing to learn and not to experiment or meet partners just yet?

 

I will say that we are both on Tinder and I am approximately 40, Mrs. E is approximately 50. We both get regular attempts from undergraduate students. We both agree that anyone we couldn't order drinks with in a cocktail lounge is just too young, even if it seems like we might have kinks or vanilla interests in common.

 

Perhaps she could explore Fetlife or similar to meet people who are close to her age group and have some experiences to talk about - without any expectations of them being potential partner, but just people who understand where she's coming from. You could be valuable mentors, including on the oh-so-important topic of opsec.

 

Edited January 24, 2022 by EastInWest

[lcmim 1,082]

I am guessing that most of us entered the LS from a position inside a long term relationship.

Our children  are all married or in significant long term relationships, . Only two of them would be led into this by us. 

 

 Those two are close to an empty nest themselves.

The others have young ones at home and are still in the midst of all the learning that goes with that.

Personally I believe that the LS could pose problematical to their current happy lives.

 

With these the talk would center on the fact that we would perceive them as not yet ready, and why.

The decision would, of course be theirs.

Just because they are legally old enough, does not mean we stop being their parents.

 

We have a few more laps around the block than they do. Thankfully they are old enough to realize the benefits that brings.

We, on the other hand, are old enough to realize that ours is nothing but advice, not a Fiat.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Welllllll... there are two sides to this. Most successful swingers are older (at least late 20's, IOHO) couples that have been in long term committed relationships. She is very young to be jumping into this pool, but the cat is out of the bag. First, time for a long talk about swinging in general as well as the emotional aspect involved with having multiple sexual partners. If she is still wanting to attend a swingers club after this, with her knowing that she will be, by far, the youngest person there and lots of people will be twice...thrice her age and naked, and as a young unicorn...she'll be fresh, young blood in the water full of hungry sharks. The question then becomes: do YOU want her to go to a club without you? At least you (one or both of you attending) will be able to provide some protection and supervision for her once the sharks begin circling. Just set the ground rules (like it is just a visit to see what it is like and that nobody is going to be playing that night) and let her see what does on behind the curtain instead of her imaging that a swingers club looks just like they do in porn (all young, perfect bodied people having fun). After that, if she is still interested...well, is it a surprise? The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. While it will probably very uncomfortable and awkward at first, that she has come to you requesting your help is a very good thing. Help her enter into this with her eyes wide open and knowing that you have her back, and then it is up to her.

[Fitlakecouple 451]

It's fine. What could possibly go wrong?

[sweetcadcouple 40]

Thanks everyone for the replies thus far, it a nice help. A lot of good points to take in.

 

Thank you GoldCoCouple, you have a lot of good points. To some your your points:

 

Well we (me and my husband) can not be with her 24/7. There will be a grace period for sure, maybe a month or so for her to get used to it. Mind you, we won't watch every aspect of her swinging, We WON'T watch her "play" with other people and be in the same room while we "play". Also, at our local club there is an under 35 night for young people where she will probably take part more often.

We (me and my husband)  are also very aware that she will probably be the youngest member there, which we did explain to her. And to our knowledge she never had relationships with older guy. Always been with boyfriend her own age.

 

During our first talk of us being honest, her father told her that he has played with girls in their early 20s from our swingers club and swingers resort that we go to. And our daughter asked me how I felt about that, and I was honest, told her "the joy of your father face always made me happy, and also when he with younger people he tend to try a lot more harder to please me after."

For us the most importan thing is her safety over there. We trust the club and it's people/members. If not we wouldn't be members for 12 yrs at the same place.  Well minus the 2 years of COVID.

There will probably be more talks with her from here till March 3 (her Birthday) about the topic.
 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Go for the first trip or two with the understanding that there will be no play of any of you. After that, she will have hopefully made a friend or two at the club that will keep an eye on her (especially since you have been members for so long) and make sure that she is okay when she it there. It sounds like you have all been having very honest, open, non-judgemental, productive talks (of course, keep that up). After that, all you can do is set her free...(hopefully she will just attend the under 35 nights so you don't accidentally run into her in the future). The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...

[sweetcadcouple 40]

On 1/27/2022 at 10:47 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

Go for the first trip or two with the understanding that there will be no play of any of you. After that, she will have hopefully made a friend or two at the club that will keep an eye on her (especially since you have been members for so long) and make sure that she is okay when she it there. It sounds like you have all been having very honest, open, non-judgemental, productive talks (of course, keep that up). After that, all you can do is set her free...(hopefully she will just attend the under 35 nights so you don't accidentally run into her in the future). The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...

We are trying to. Being honest from a parent POV of swingers is hard. We made it clear that the first trip is just is just to show her and that. After that it will be up to her. The club is big enough with different "play room" so we won't run with each other if we ever go on the same night. There are still thing that we worried about, about her as parents like she might go on full pornstar mode given her age. But as we are swingers we also want her to enjoyed it as much as we have over the years. Within our first years  of swinging (I was 34 and hubby was 36) we did a lot of first within that year including a DPs and Gangbang.

Like my previous post, me and my husband have done are fair share of the younger crowd (mostly the younger women ) and to be honest my husband feels like he is a pornstar when he is with the younger crowd. So we know how people in our age group think, when we see new faces and people in the younger 25 setting.

 

So far we haven't told are swingers friends about our daughter request. We don't know how to approach them in telling. We are aware  there a good chance that she might be "playing" with are swingers friends. And we are ok with that. It all part of the Swinger lifestyle. Should tell they ask our permission if they want " to play" with her or should we let thing go with the flow for our friends and our daughter.

[realcplub2 513]

Wow, a lot of food for thought with this one..

 

  Putting ourselves in your position isnt that hard, Our oldest found out about us, when he was in his 20s. And while it was an interesting few months of questions out of nowhere, it led to his own sexploration the break up of a short marriage and his current relationship (over 14 year) with the BiF that they invited into their bedroom.  But, thats our son, if it was our daughter.. again food for thought

 

Ok, here is where we came around to on this topic.. Think in terms of way back when she was learning to ride a bike.. you helped her after the training wheels came off, and after that she was on her own.. Same applies here.. Be supportive, explain anything and everything, Hell Point her HERE to ask.. but be clear on the points of not wanting to be in the moment with her in the same building, or vise versa.. 

 

Being she is the age she is, yes the Sharks or maybe more to the point the Leisure Suit Larrys will be circling.. Make sure she know the NO mean No rules in any club, or even private setting.. and the true meaning of the word DISCRETION.. i think back to the conversations with first our son, then the awkward questions from his wife,  again, awkward.. esp when we saw the end before they did. But more importantly the teenage conversations our daughter had on the phone with her girlfriends, when she didnt think we were listening.. She told you of her sexploration last summer, which probably outted her girlfriend to you.. Our chief concern would be your daughter sharing her new found knowledge with other girlfriends and the next thing you know ... You both are in the spotlight as the "tour guides"

 

Hence the reasoning of learning to ride a bike.. yes point her in the safe direction, but be clear on YOUR boundaries, and come up with a new set of rules, and a clear way of signaling to her, you are out to play, or she is 

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Update?

[sweetcadcouple 40]

On 2/23/2022 at 10:02 AM, realcplub2 said:

Wow, a lot of food for thought with this one..

 

  Putting ourselves in your position isnt that hard, Our oldest found out about us, when he was in his 20s. And while it was an interesting few months of questions out of nowhere, it led to his own sexploration the break up of a short marriage and his current relationship (over 14 year) with the BiF that they invited into their bedroom.  But, thats our son, if it was our daughter.. again food for thought

 

Ok, here is where we came around to on this topic.. Think in terms of way back when she was learning to ride a bike.. you helped her after the training wheels came off, and after that she was on her own.. Same applies here.. Be supportive, explain anything and everything, Hell Point her HERE to ask.. but be clear on the points of not wanting to be in the moment with her in the same building, or vise versa.. 

 

Being she is the age she is, yes the Sharks or maybe more to the point the Leisure Suit Larrys will be circling.. Make sure she know the NO mean No rules in any club, or even private setting.. and the true meaning of the word DISCRETION.. i think back to the conversations with first our son, then the awkward questions from his wife,  again, awkward.. esp when we saw the end before they did. But more importantly the teenage conversations our daughter had on the phone with her girlfriends, when she didnt think we were listening.. She told you of her sexploration last summer, which probably outted her girlfriend to you.. Our chief concern would be your daughter sharing her new found knowledge with other girlfriends and the next thing you know ... You both are in the spotlight as the "tour guides"

 

Hence the reasoning of learning to ride a bike.. yes point her in the safe direction, but be clear on YOUR boundaries, and come up with a new set of rules, and a clear way of signaling to her, you are out to play, or she is 

 

 

Thanks for your input, it help.

Since are last message here there has been more talk with her. We told 4 of are swingers friends (2couple) ( 1 couple whos both age 40 and the other is 42F and 49M) about our daughter. It went surprisingly well. They meet our daughter. Not all at the same time, different dates  and meets. We all sat down and talk and answer her questions and gave her more advice and more of the Do's and Don't . After the talk I was surprise that it was the older female that approach me and ask my permission if it was ok " to play". I told her if my daughter want to , then its ok with me. I thought for sure it would be the guys that would of ask first. Haven't told my daughter about the request yet. Should we??

 

This is her last weekend before she turn 19. Her place is reserved for her first visit. We are still afraid that we could of said the wrong thing to her. But all we can do is hope for the best and we said the right thing to her.

Again, thank you all for your time and help

[realcplub2 513]

8 hours ago, sweetcadcouple said:

 I told her if my daughter want to , then its ok with me. I thought for sure it would be the guys that would of ask first. Haven't told my daughter about the request yet. Should we ???

 

 

Ok, first to answer the above question Yes, and be honest with her, as you would anyone else within the lifestyle. The ages of your friends is the hurdle for her. You said originally you and your husband started 12 years ago, putting you at about 30? AT that time, would have considered someone 60+.. Thats the first concern. 

 

  Like i said, be honest with her, to some swinging can be like a candy store, esp given her age.. Stress that she has the right to say no over and over again.. Like I said before, a 19 yr old in a club is going to draw alot of male attention from guys that in some cases if not most cases are twice her age.. again.. No means No 

[NWAtlSwing 522]

I think that you can pass on the offer and then it is up to your daughter.

[sweetcadcouple 40]

14 hours ago, realcplub2 said:

Ok, first to answer the above question Yes, and be honest with her, as you would anyone else within the lifestyle. The ages of your friends is the hurdle for her. You said originally you and your husband started 12 years ago, putting you at about 30? AT that time, would have considered someone 60+.. Thats the first concern. 

 

  Like i said, be honest with her, to some swinging can be like a candy store, esp given her age.. Stress that she has the right to say no over and over again.. Like I said before, a 19 yr old in a club is going to draw alot of male attention from guys that in some cases if not most cases are twice her age.. again.. No means No 

Thanks for the reply .

In a previous post we mentioned that we started swinging ( i was 34 and hubby was 36) . at that time we were mostly "playing" with people our own age, Oldest that I could recalled in the early years of are swinging life was a few in there early to mid 50s. We didn't the age gap so much. Over the years we jump around to the younger crowd to older. Youngest girl/women that we played was a girl that was 21 ( I was 41 and hubby was 43) and the youngers guy I got to play was 24 ( I was 41 also at the time). It was a couple that we meet at the Hedo in 2019. And the oldest that we play was a female at age 55 ( I was 36 and hubby was 38) she was a member at our local club along with her husband . And the oldest guy that I got to play when I was 35, and the guy was 65. Another member at our club, who is single, who took part in my first gangbang .

 Also in  previous post we mentioned There are still thing that we worried about, about her as parents like she might go on full pornstar mode given her age. But as we are swingers we also want her to enjoyed it as much as we have over the years. Since are local government gave the green light for thing to re-open , our daughter look over the swinger club event calendar , and she click on a few events " might be interested".

We relayed the  request/message to our daughter from are friends. Our daughter ask us for our blessing to "play" with our friends", and we gave it to her. Now she will wait and see. She told us she want to see what the crowd of the club is like and that. She kinda like knowing that she has a plan B couple.

Almost every talk we had about her and swinging , we always told her the power of saying NO.

Again, thank you all for your time and help

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Kid in a candy store...quickly she will figure out that not all candy tastes how she likes it...and most of the candy is just old (lol). She'll probably start refining her taste once she sees what is available and what she likes (and once she finds out that she's the blood in the water surrounded by sharks). It sounds like you raised her will and have given her good advice as she heads in this direction...I think she'll be okay. Of course, having a couple or two that you know keeping an eye on her won't hurt either.

[couplers 4,638]

On 1/23/2022 at 7:30 PM, njbm said:

I would not want to see relatives in a nudist or swingers setting. Just too much info. Some things are best left private. 

Not addressing the swingers setting, but as to nudist - it's all your upbringing and perspective.  I spend a considerable amount of time in Europe and like to go to the spas and thermals where nudity is the norm.  It is totally nonsexual and there are families there from toddlers to grandparents, all enjoying the sunshine, water, and saunas.  I'm not so naïve to think that no one ever looks at me in a sexual way, but that happens when I am fully clothed.   

[twohots4u2 188]

I ran into this sort of thing 10 years ago when a girlfriend and I were into swinging and one of my daughters ran into us at a BDSM dinner meeting.   Afterwards we agreed to not go to meetings or swing on her side of the river and she would not go to meetings or swing on our side of the river.  That has worked well.

Edited March 3, 2022 by twohots4u2

[njbm 2,870]

On 3/2/2022 at 7:40 PM, couplers said:

Not addressing the swingers setting, but as to nudist - it's all your upbringing and perspective.  I spend a considerable amount of time in Europe and like to go to the spas and thermals where nudity is the norm.  It is totally nonsexual and there are families there from toddlers to grandparents, all enjoying the sunshine, water, and saunas.  I'm not so naïve to think that no one ever looks at me in a sexual way, but that happens when I am fully clothed.   

We had a twenty something guide from what was formerly East Germany. She told our group that her grandparents were avid nudists, but we got the feeling she wasn’t into it. On the same trip, we went to Finland. Everyone has a home sauna and while we did not get invited to one, we suppose a towel may be the most clothes worn. The US is different on this topic. 

Edited March 4, 2022 by njbm

[couplers 4,638]

On 3/3/2022 at 8:37 PM, njbm said:

we suppose a towel may be the most clothes worn. The US is different on this topic. 

Even in non-nudist settings, I have had European acquaintances and even co-workers (male and female) change clothes or go from one room to another nude in a mixed setting.  It is different in the US, but we are sort of in the middle - in Europe nudity is no big deal while in some countries a woman showing her legs, arms, hair or face to someone who is not a close relative is taboo.  And some places are a bit schizophrenic; I've been to a hammam in a Muslim country where Red and I were both naked and being bathed by women, and it was considered totally acceptable. 

[sweetcadcouple 40]

Hiya all, sorry for the long delay for a update,

For people that are curious about what happen.  We took our daughter to her first swinger club party last week. It went very well. she seems to enjoyed herself,. We made sure that her first time going, she just goes there and talk and get used of her surroundings. It was also our first time going back to the club since COVID started, Feb 2020. It was nice to see the old gang. Many new faces as well. Many were quite surprised to see that we brought are daughter to the club. Many ask our permission " to play" with her and to see if were ok with it. We told them, if she wanted to, she old enough to make her choice.
We went again the following day. This time we left her to her own accord. Again she seem to enjoyed herself. The following few day we left her to her own accord and left her to enjoy herself. She went to some of special events of the club, that she was interested in.

That all for now. If people what more information about it, just ask. Just we wont share intimate details about it. Talk to you all soon. bye-bye

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Sounds like you did the right thing(s) and she enjoyed herself. You have some 'protection' for her (other friends to keep an eye on her) so she should be alright as she moves forward. Sounds like you did everything as good as possible. Thanks for the update, but other than the info you have share here, the intimate details are unnecessary (and probably awkward on your part). You done good!

[Swingermarriage 3]

We have a 20 yo dau that has join swinger life..we are longtime swingers and we decided to open up to her since she was a teen to avoid lies and dramas ...after few years she decided to join swinger life and has worked out well ..this situations happens more than what people think