Unsure about what to expect from first experience

[swinghusb 1]

Hi,

 

Caveat: I have talked about all the issues below with my wife constructively but not conclusively. I have tried finding info online on boards/articles/... but most are written from the female perspective (yey male privilege) so it's hard for me to reflect on my feelings and how to handle them. I like to rely on other people's experiences in order to feel prepared (in any situation). It would be very helpful to me if anyone has gone through the same process with similar feelings.

 

My wife and I have been together for 14+ years since we were 18-19 years old, we are still eachothers first. We have always been curious about sex with other people and even relationships (what if?). We both regret not having more experience, but I guess swinging could solve this

 

 

Me and my wife are planning to go for our first swinging experience (in a club) a visit has been booked. My wife is the driving force behind this exploration. I find the idea/fantasy very exciting but I know, rationally, the actual act will be difficult for me. My question is two-part. One part is practical other part is more emotional, though both are somewhat interlinked. I know most of these issues are going to depend on what has been discussed with your partner beforehand. Nevertheless it can't hurt to know what is 'usual'.

 

Practical: What is considered the 'mainstream' way of handling your first attempt(s) at a swinger club. Fundamentally: Do couples usually seperate into another room with their chosen partner or does everyone stay together? What would you recommend? It would seem most couples stay together but my wife doesn't seem very open to that idea. I find it important to feel involved. Is partnerswap the usual way or do most people find someone random.

 

Emotional: I recognise some of my feelings in what I found online (female experiences). I'm very afraid of being left behind. My wife has stated that she is seeking admiration/feeling wanted by other men. To me this signals she will actively hunt for it when we're there. It would seem most men would be superhappy because of this. It seems the women are, according to the internet, generally less excited about the whole experience. So an enthousiastic partner should make the whole experience smoother. I'm afraid it will be harder for me (as a man) to find a partner. Whilst it will be very easy for her, as a woman, to find an nterested male. As such I'm afraid she will find an interesting partner fast and go seclude herself in a room, while i'm left behind having a drink, doing.. what? I realise this is also a self-confidence issue on my part. I know I'm not ugly and I generally get the idea women find me attractive or at least a lot of fun to be around but i'm not supersecure about it. My wife seems to think it's almost impossible that it could be the other way around (there will be men attracted to her but maybe she won't be attracted to them). She doesn't seem to think much of being 'left behind' anyway. I still want to go to enjoy the atmosphere, meet new people etc etc I just don't want to feel left behind.

 

Second emotional question: I feel my wife has a lot riding on this exploration. I'm afraid she will be disappointed for whatever reason. Either bad sex, or not finding a partner, or in the end not being able to coop seeing me with someone else (doesn't seem like it but who knows untill it happens?). Our relationship has been stable for a long time but my wife has been episodically emotionally troubled since we have had our children. She wants to feel attractive (she is) and seeks confirmation wherever she can find it. She has put having sex with someone else as an absolute goal that will make her feel wanted/ more than just a wife/mother/... . I know that, partly, swinging can be a big ego boost for all sorts of reasons. But if the experience isn't what she expected i'm afraid it might push her into a depression, and I don't know how to coop with that. She has made clear she needs to try this to feel truely happy/free/herself but I'm not sure she will find what she's looking for in swinging.

 

[njbm 2,871]

Here is something to think about. How about going to a club the first time just to observe and have sex with each other? While in the setting, one or both of you may feel very comfortable or uncomfortable. If you are both comfortable, you can try swapping or , if not, you can try another trip to the club. 
 

Some couples, I’d say the majority, play in close proximity to each other. I think that playing apart or in separate rooms is more for people with a little experience. If your wife seems open to sex and she is not close by you in a club, she could be a gang bang candidate if single guys are permitted. This could be a little overwhelming for a novice. 
 

Have some ground rules that you both agree to. Use condoms. If you are under 45, be vaccinated for HPV. It is a multi-shot series. 

[lcmim 1,082]

Observation is a good idea. If not ,then same room, whether or not each of you has a partner.

 One of our first experiences was an MFM. That worked out well.

We also limited ourselves to soft swap initially.

 

Slow and steady. is a good formula for us and , I think , most others.

[NC_Seniors 518]

One of the cardinal rules of swinging is to *never* go faster than the speed of the slower partner.  It’s clear that your wife is far more eager to swap than you are … she needs to dial it back until you’re both ready because if what you’re describing now actually happens, it’s gonna be a train wreck.  We agree with njbm … go to the club, soak in the atmosphere, meet a few people, have sex with only each other, and talk about the evening after you’re home and have had some time to process your thoughts. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

What NC Seniors said.

 

Never go faster than the speed of the slowest partner. Second, set your rules and limits before you get there and DO NOT CHANGE THEM until the two of you can talk about them outside of a sexual situation. In other words, the first visit is ONLY a visit to get the lay of the land. The two of you can have sex with each other, but nothing else the first visit. The next day you can discuss the experience and decide where (or even if) you want to go from there.

 

If you both agree to move forward, and you feel uncomfortable being separated, then that becomes the next rule you institute. Swinging together is more the norm than the exception and most couples will want to do the same. It's exciting watching your partner enjoying themself with someone else which is why most couples do this. Under the 'never go faster' rule, this now becomes your next step since you (and most other couples) prefer same room sex to separate room. Maybe, later on, you might become comfortable with the idea and you can then change that rule at that time.

 

As to why she wants separate rooms...this is only a guess, but it sounds like she wants to not worry about 'hurting' your feelings by letting herself go. This is something that you both need to talk about more. Would it hurt you if she lost control, acted like a slut, had mind blowing orgasms...or would you be happier knowing you were allowing her this experience?

 

Is it harder for the man to find a partner: yes. That's why most couples swing together. Swinging is a team sport...something that you do together (and neither of you should wander off just because they found someone interested in them). Adding another general rule here: NEVER take one for the team. If you both are not interested in another couple, then keep looking. Doesn't matter why one of you isn't interested. If one of you says 'pass', then you both are saying 'pass'. No explanation necessary, and while it can be hard to find the 'perfect' couple that you both like, there are still plenty of other couples out there, and when you do find that one couple...it's worth the wait.

 

As for your wife's feelings, this is rather common. For the last XX years, she has been a MOM. It can be hard for a woman to feel sexy, wanted, and desirable again (even if they are still sexy, wanted and desirable). And what you think doesn't count because your opinion is already suspect. You 'have to' say that she is desirable. Maybe start slow...post some photos of her in the photos section here, or at one of the many 'hot or not' photo sites and get outside opinions for her (they don't have to include her face for her privacy). It sounds like she is just trying to find that she is more than 'just a mom' as she gets closer to the kid(s) leaving. Once the kids go, what happens to the mom that is left behind? It sounds like she is just trying to find out what happens then. Why is it that women don't understand that being a MILF is super hot to most men? Anyways, more things for you to both talk about. Let us know how things are going and know that we are all here to help.

[lcmim 1,082]

One more thought, concerning her feeling desirable.

 

Many couples going through the parenting phase start to treat each other as furniture rather than lovers. Perhaps one assumes, and is consumed by, the breadwinner role  and the other the nurturer.

The dinners that are left on the stove while passion takes hold are replaced by needing to eat so that homework and bedtime are accomplished so that early rising and making it to school and work can be accomplished, day after day.

 

Date nights are often skipped over as a concept.

 

If the kids are old enough to be left to their own devices for a few hours, then one grabbing the other for an intensive romp in the hay on a frequent basis may relieve some of her self doubt. It is a good feeling to have your partner overcome with lust for you. Saying she is desirable and demonstrating it often are very different things.

 

One of the benefits of the LS, for us as a couple, is that I am reminded to keep upping my game with my wife even after 40 years.

 

This may not be where you as a couple are, but it is worth looking at.

 

Edited February 2, 2022 by lcmim

[NC_Seniors 518]

15 hours ago, swinghusb said:

She wants to feel attractive (she is) and seeks confirmation wherever she can find it. She has put having sex with someone else as an absolute goal that will make her feel wanted/ more than just a wife/mother/... . I know that, partly, swinging can be a big ego boost for all sorts of reasons. But if the experience isn't what she expected i'm afraid it might push her into a depression,

 

This is the male half writing, and I’ll admit here and now that mine might be the minority view … other more experienced members are free to shoot me down.  But I don’t think that the point of swinging is to make you feel more attractive and desirable, nor is it to improve your self-image or self-esteem.  I believe that in order to be successful at swinging to any degree whatsoever, you need to have a good self-image *going in*.  No, the point of swinging is purely to have fun and get physical pleasure in a naughty little pursuit that most of society is aghast at.  My fear for your wife is that she’s going to feel no better about herself no matter how many other men she’s with, and she might in fact feel even worse if she’s not “successful” (for some definition of the term).  I honestly think she needs to work on her own issues before you two start down this path.

[Idahocouple6969 294]

Just a bit of advice from a *ahem* senior: you must both proceed at the same pace. Swinging does one of two things to a relationship 1. It makes it stronger 2. It burns it to the ground.

 

I, too believe your wife is doing this for all the wrong reasons. Looking for love in all the wrong places.  Seeking approval via swinging is bound to crash and burn.

 

Work out some of these issues before and not after. You really do need to be on the same page for this to work.

 

Good luck.

[lovefest04 699]

My 2 cents

 

I think going to a club just to flirt, feel sexy and meet some people would be a great idea. No sex. You're not ready for that. If you wife needs to feel sexy, attractive and wanted she can do all of that without actually having sex. She can dress to impress, dance, etc.

 

I don't think this is much different from going to a bar, local or not, having a few drinks and flirting with whomever catches her eye.

 

At the end of the evening, the two of you should have sex in the car, on a park bench, anywhere. Do something different. Not the same old that couples can get trapped in.

 

As the weather improves, go to a beach. Have her wear a very small bikini etc. Be out, sexy and powerful.

 

I don't think having sex with another person will satisfy her needs to feel sexy. It will in the end, feel shallow and may lead to a lot of drama.

 

I am not against swinging for you as a couple, but it feels like you need to come to it more whole. In control. With power. Not begging for attention.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swinging is a relationship magnifying glass: it will make an already great relationship better but it will also enlarge any problems or fractures that, in the light of day (as Idahocouple put it), will burn it to the ground.

[enhancer 1,585]

I agree with everyone that is saying using sex with others as a means for your wife to feel better about herself is probably not the best way for this to happen.  Also how does her saying the only way she will feel better about herself is by having sex with other people make you feel?  I think I personally would not feel real great about that.  Why can’t things be done with your relationship together to make that spark reappear?
 

As others have said maybe start out posting pictures of her on sites where people will comment and tell her how sexy she is.  A face pic will not be necessary for this.  She will more then likely be overwhelmed by how many men think she is hot.  
 

As for her getting more attention and interest then you if you go to a club it will happen!  Women always get more attention in the lifestyle then men regardless of looks or personality.  It is just the nature of the game.  As a man you will either just have to realize it is what it is and have thick skin or you should reconsider if the lifestyle is something that you really want to enter. 
 

Regardless of what you two decide to do you will need to be on the same page as far as rules and restrictions go or you will crash and burn.  If you are only comfortable with play happening in the same room then you need to make that a hard rule until your feelings might change in the future.   Neither of you have ever had sex with anyone else, but each other.  To jump in no holds barred is asking for some serious emotional problems for both of you.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

A graphic being worth a thousand words...

 

 

I'm see a large number of problems with the approach you are going with here. I think you're swinging for the wrong reasons. I'm also concerned about the emotional impact this will have on both of you.

 

The most I would do, as others have said, is just go to a club to observe and have sex with each other. It may help to inform your discussions. I think the two of you need to have a lot of discussion about this, and I don't think you're there yet.

 

If you're very afraid of being left behind, then the proposed scenario of your wife going off by herself WILL result in you being upset. As others have mentioned, she WILL have people interested in her, and you will be left alone...possibly for hours...with nothing to do. What might even be more painful...your wife not talking about it once she does come back. Could that happen? What about rejection from her, once you want to have sex with her when she gets back and she says she's too worn out from the evening? How will you feel then? Swinging isn't exclusionary. Swinging is together. It doesn't mean you're always together, but it does mean that you're a complete team. I don't see that here.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I have often said this board is a fantastic resource for people, and we will tell it how it is. I'm telling you how it looks to me.

 

 

 

 

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

On 2/3/2022 at 10:44 AM, lovefest04 said:

My 2 cents

 

I think going to a club just to flirt, feel sexy and meet some people would be a great idea. No sex. You're not ready for that. If you wife needs to feel sexy, attractive and wanted she can do all of that without actually having sex. She can dress to impress, dance, etc.

I'm going to second this, very loudly.

 

There are a number of yellow flags here, basically that the two of you don't fully understand what you want out of this or why and are worried about emotional harm. You're both inexperienced with casual sex - and there's nothing wrong with that, but - you will have a lot of feelings that you have not processed.

 

Start slowly. You can *always* go back and try more if you have a good time.

 

Flirt aggressively. Dance. Get felt up. Show some skin. You'll both have a freer and wilder time than you've had in recent memory and you'll have it together. See where your rough edges are and talk things through before you go further.

Edited February 5, 2022 by EastInWest