Is swinging really worth the stress that comes with it?

[Mich149 16]

Well mrs. midnite, my short answer is sometimes.

 

Yeah, we've had tons of the stereotypical bad experiences. And trust me, some have been really BAD.

 

It's just that sometimes all the anxiety, the worrying, the preparation and the flirting lead up to an incredible night with an incredible couple. Or not. While the build up isn't our favorite thing in the world, when you find a couple that just "works", it makes it all worth it. It's the same as vanilla dating as far as I can see.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Well - the question is, "is it really worth it?"

 

The answer is a hearty "YES!"

 

You are right on the money, midnite - I have never had sex with anyone that rocked my world the way Mrs Spoomonkey does... I don't think it is possible... But then again, the sex in swinging and the sex at home is as incomparable as apples and oranges... It just isn't the same thing.

 

The payoff - as I have said ad nauseum - is the fire that still burns when it is just the two of us. In fact, we have talked about the two times where we struggled with jealousy - her first time playing with another man and my first time playing with another woman. From a "debriefing" stand point, those experiences were tough. But - the week after my "issues" we were on each other like bunnies on viagra. As for her "issues", it is one of her hottest memories and she is working on writing a story about it for submission here...

 

Jealousy is a real issue. But, when properly and lovingly worked through, it can uncover some incredibly erotic thoughts and memories... My theory (and take it for what it is) is that jealousy is often just lust mixed with insecurity. When you deal with the insecurity, the lust is pretty damn hungry.

 

And - yeah...

 

I've set the bar pretty high, so not every experience is "mind blowing" But the ones that have been... WOOHOO! Let's just say the fuel of those memories burns slow and hot...

[Elusive BiFem 70]

I'm really glad you asked the question, Midnight Hour as it is one I have often wondered about. WR and I have had numerous discussions about some of the same exact things you brought up and I've made similar statements..."it just seems like so much work for some people." In fact, the other night in moderated chat, we touched on some of this in terms of rules and my stance that I didn't understand the need for all these stringent rules and boundaries wasn't well received by some since I am a single person. But really, what I think I was getting at was exactly what you are talking about. Vegas Lee kind of summed up some of my thoughts with these comments:

I will be the first to admit that I believe that most people in the lifestyle make it way to hard. They over think the whole thing. It is a "hobby" to most and not really a lifestyle.

 

Keep life and the lifestyle simple and it is a great way to live. Make more of it then it really is or make it hard as most people do then it turns into work and way to much trouble.

 

My swinging experiences are far different from his and certainly, I'm far less involved in the lifestyle than he and Laura, but I suppose that I've been quite fortunate since the experiences I have had have been nothing short of fantastic. I've been able to have close, happy, and essentially stress free relationships with the people. In all cases (limited as they are), there was never any discussion of specific rules or boundaries or stuff of that nature. Certainly, we discussed likes and dislikes just as you would with anyone, but I never felt that there was some sort of script any of us had to follow. While getting to know people, you learn through general conversation what they expect and want and they learn the same about you. At least that has been my experience. Somehow, someway...it just developed into a rather free and easy and flowing thing.

 

I can ditto many of your thoughts in terms of reading about so many unfortunate experiences others have had. And in real life for me, there have been occasions of crappy sex, too fast sex, non-performance sex...but I look on those occasions as being nothing more than real life and not anything to worry about. Those sorts of things happen to the best of us. However, I've also thought after reading some of the posts here - or wondered - if maybe people weren't putting too much pressure on themselves and/or their partners. Pressure to perform can be a real killer.

 

Anyway...thanks for asking the questions. And thanks to Vegas Lee for his responses. At least now I know I'm not alone with some of my thoughts.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This is a very valid and a great (not just good) question and I think that Lee really nailed it with his response. Too often people get so wrapped up in the ideas of swinging and the "what ifs" and so on that they forget this is supposed to be a fun hobby. Some are so worried about having a play date or meeting someone that they forget about the most important things (themselves and their relationship with their partner).

 

Is it worth the effort? Yes, but only if you remember that this is something that is supposed to be fun and don't allow it to overtake your entire life. As Lee pointed out this can and does happen with any hobby you might have/ do. It's easy to enjoy something and then get so wrapped up in that it becomes less of a hobby and more of a job. When you do that, it's not fun anymore and in my opinion it's not worth it.

[Guest Mr&Mrs-naughty]

We work off of the "KISS" theory.

 

"Keep It Simple Stupid"

 

To us it's just plain fun!!!

 

To me there is something just so damn erotic about watching mrs naughty get hers from a strange cock!!

 

We don't do it because I can't, we do it because it's fun.

 

Its just that simple.

[midnight hour 16]

Thanks guys for the honest answers.

 

I know that Mr. Midnite and me have sex most every day, and it is good and I sometimes wonder what we are thinking about, i.e don't try to fix something that is not broke yet the thoughts are tempting..

 

I guess another reason I asked was over the weeks on different boards/groups/forums I have seen the same people posting every weekend looking for *someone* to party with, meet, house party..anything...and it all just looked so desperate to me..and I want to post back..hey look at your partner for a change one weekend.. even though it is not my place...but I think most of you guys will know what I am talking about.

 

So anywho...off to another social this weekend...will we play? Not sure. ..only the shadow will know...and if we do you guys will be the only ones to know...

 

I have enjoyed your posts back to me. I am all for keeping it simple. I am not going to make it more then it might be worth...there is a lot at stake in my relationship with Mr. Midnite, 2 special needs high maintance kids etc...and I am watching for damage control because in the scheme of things, if there was damage done, it would be a tad harder to fix perhaps then a regular marriage since the stress level is already up to nuke...

 

Thanks again.

[Romily 15]

I know exactly what you mean and have thought about it myself (seems that i do a lof of thinking lately beein new to that lifestyle!)...

 

the way we see it is that swinging is supposed to ADD something to our relationship - not something that shall overtake our life. It's something that definitly spices up our sex life (not that it was bad to start with!!!) and brought us also closer as we talk a lot - which is fantastic. And if that's what we get out of it it can't be too bad...

 

We are not going to rush things and I couldn't imagine to play every weekend (hey, we have a lot of friends and things going on besides swinging) but I can imagine that it will be something we enjoy every now and then - like a bonus, some extra fun...

 

Reg the jelaousy issues I still have - I think working on that with my man is something I will immensly benefit from in the long run - it will make me stronger and more confident, and it will make our relationship even better - so yes, I guess at the end it is worth it - although I think it's normal to sometimes not see that, especially after a bda experience.

 

great question!

[BradAndJanet 70]

...the way we see it is that swinging is supposed to ADD something to our relationship - not something that shall overtake our life. ...

Exactly! Swinging should always be the icing and not the cake. If you're doing it to replace something in your relationship, things are more than likely going to go badly wrong. If we ever sense that a couple is doing that, we're going to back away quickly.

 

midnite hour, it is a great question to ask, and I think there have been some fine answers posted here. I can only add this: I think we may hear more about the not-so-good times because when something untoward happens, people come here seeking help and advice. That's not a bad thing; it speaks volumes about the kind of place this is.

[cpl42 17]

We think swinging is a very great thing. As with you we have not done it yet. After 26 years together, we studied this lifesteyl, since it hit the net. In your letter, you spoke of the "morning after". That should be the best part, in our opinion. The experince will get us off for a month. Point is...swinging is not about emotions....its just about sex. Its kinda like being faithfully, unfaithfull to each other. This site is not only the most secret site, it is the most honest people we have ever talked to.

[fun_pairTX 26]

We have had a wonderful time swinging over the past three years. We haven't had any "bad" experiences, although we have met some couples that we haven't clicked with sexually, we have made friends with them instead and they are good people to have as friends. Don't stress out and overcomplicate the situation. All stress is self imposed. Stress can only take you over if you allow it to do so. Relax and have a great time in a wonderful hobby.

Sex is more fun than bowling and you don't have to change your shoes.

[Numex 2,420]

... I have read post after post about dealing with the jealousy, about the dreams, the kissing, the emotional bond all around with swinging. I mean some of the posts have been pretty gut wrenching, and it appears that regardless of what or how long everyone has been playing, multiple problems arise so to speak. I have read posts about crappy sex, no performance sex, too fast sex, and yes, plenty of good sex too.

 

But all in all, is the agony really worth it all when it is said and done, *most of the time*? It appears sometimes to be more trouble then it is worth at the end of the night.

 

I am guessing that if you are with partners you have played with multiple times or a on premise club things might be different as you are around the same partners a lot of the time..

Long story short, we had some partners/experiences that have been less than stellar, but now that we have found our closed group, everything is pretty fantastic. The best thing is that every one feels safe on every level, which is important since, first we always go bareback and second we can play alone at whoever's home. And for both of us, jealousy is our friend. To see my wife enjoying him, to see him enjoying her, makes me want my wife all the more.

[seeknaustin 15]

I came onto this group to ask the same thing. My wife and I have been doing this randomly for a year now. We've had 4 full swaps and one soft swap and two or three threesomes. At first, I loved it and I still love the idea of it. Our first encounter was an MFM. I found it sexy to see my wife with another person. We worked our way up to another experience with a couple that was full swap. I am not a jealous person at ALL. At least I thought. My jealousy works in different ways. To give you an example - For the last couple of months my wife has hooked up with a friend of mine. Not full sex, but messing around. I'm there of course. We went to NYC and we had planned on being with a lesbian couple. Went out with them twice. We finally get to the hotel room and I started making out with one of them and she kinda wigged out. She has always been jealous. Well the next night in NYC, we are out with friends and she surprised me by telling me we're meeting another couple. That went well and we did a full swap again. This last weekend, we meet a couple and the female is very attractive. It was just a meeting but then she says she doesn't want to do anything with them. I think its because the female is attractive. That same night after our date with a couple we meet my friend out and she is ALL over him. To the point where its just awkward. Even he is trying to get her to stop so we can visit with each othere for a while. We go home later and we do the MFM for at least a couple of hours. My friend finally went all in. But if the situation was reversed, my wife would have FREAKED out. My jealousy is in the hypocrisy of what she is allowed to do vs what I am. I worry about matching with someone on the app (its on her phone). I worry about saying something that will make her jealous. I'm so conflicted because when we have a good experience with a couple, its sexy and hot and we end up fucking each other for days. And it's not just the sex part, we actually feel more connected. But I wonder...is it worth it. She loves being with another man. I've even agreed that we can do that 60% of the time. But she says she can't go through with a FFM. OK. But now I wonder if we meet a couple that if I let on that the female is very attractive, she'll bail. She's more than happy to be with my friend any and every time. She has a female friend that REALLY wants to have threesome but she can't handle that. I'm even OK with that. But I just feel resentment for what she is allowed to think, feel, and ultimately do when I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.

[Numex 2,420]

"Is swinging really worth the stress that comes with it?"

 

We have found that swinging greatly reduces the stress of life. But then, we are lucky to have found our perfect situation with a closed group of married couples, and between us have no rules, so none can be broken. It is just heaven for us to crawl into bed together at the end of the day knowing that one or both of us had some fun earlier with someone else.

[Guest]

We weren’t swinging in 2004 when this tread started, maybe things were different then, or maybe we have just been lucky but I wouldn’t say we have ever found it really stressful. We started with MFM and did a few, all went well. Then we went to a couples club and tried a swap. My husband had some small performance issues with the first one, probably stress, but after that, all has been fine.