Friend who can't keep his hands to himself

[samandtammi 99]

Every Saturday night we go to a swing club and hang with a couple who are good friends.  We know a lot of people there and have introduced this couple to everyone we know.  Here's the problem:  Every time a woman is friendly and kisses him hello or engages in conversation with him, he takes it as her having interest in playing with him.  This man will put his hand up a woman's skirt and try to finger her within moments after meeting her.  

 

My husband has tried to tell him that women do not appreciate it but he continues to think this is what they want.  So far nobody has slapped him (shocking) but they do not appreciate it and tell us so.  What ends up happening is the couples play with us in the playroom and avoid the other couple like the plague.  

 

I like them, but don't really like being associated with this type of behavior.  Any suggestions?

[PeterJ 948]

49 minutes ago, samandtammi said:

 This man will put his hand up a woman's skirt and try to finger her within moments after meeting her.  

 Any suggestions?

Wow! It doesn’t matter that the context is a swing club. Anytime a person without invitation puts their hand on a woman’s vulva, or finger in her vagina, in my opinion that is plain and simple criminal assault. 
 

As a practical matter a sexual assault that happens at a sex club is unlikely to be reported to law enforcement, but that doesn’t mean this reprehensible behavior isn’t criminal.
 

You have solicited suggestions. Mine is to spell out to this guy exactly what his unsolicited behavior constitutes. Alerting the club’s management would also be a good idea. If your "good friend" assaults the wrong woman, particularly one with an appropriately protective partner, things could get very ugly very quickly. And in the unlikely circumstance the woman did file a criminal complaint this could make problems for the club’s managers and/or owners.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Probably the best way to handle this is to have your husband talk to him explaining that your wife and other women have made comments about his roving hands and to remind him that one should ALWAYS ASK PERMISSION before doing anything. Just because he is a swinger, it isn't an excuse to excuse rude behavior. If this doesn't take care of the matter, then report him to the club owner and ask him to be removed.

[samandtammi 99]

My husband has spoken with him in the past but I think the best approach is to tell him what you guys have said.  That should shake him up and make him realize that it's not all fun and games, it's actually sexual assault!

[discreetplay 235]

I wouldn't hang out with them any longer. This guy's actions may get you and your husband branded by association, and repel good couples.

 

This guy should be reported to management at the clubs and he should get kicked out and banned.

[Aphroditee 323]

This is actually why I now avoid swing clubs.  I cannot stand being randomly grabbed and pawed at.  The last time I went to a swing club in the first 15 minutes I had probably 9 guys just grab me and yank me around so they could "inspect" me.  It made me feel gross so I left.  

[enhancer 1,585]

Three things would happen if some guy tried to shove his hand up my ladies dress and grab her pussy without her consent!  She would push him away, I would kick him in the face and he would hit the floor.  Sexual assault is never acceptable including in a swinging environment.

[Roliin75 53]

Is there any double standard for this?  I had an incident  where a woman, without asking, put her hand down my pants.  I stopped her midway but thought it was rather aggressive.  

[Aphroditee 323]

On 4/12/2022 at 1:31 PM, Roliin75 said:

Is there any double standard for this?  I had an incident  where a woman, without asking, put her hand down my pants.  I stopped her midway but thought it was rather aggressive.  

Nope, that is also completely unacceptable behavior.  A Woman need to respect a man's boundaries, just like a man needs to respect a woman's boundaries.  When i am flirting with a man I've never met before I might casually touch his hand or arm but any woman or man that thinks they can touch another person anyplace under clothing without permission is wrong.

[Billygoat 443]

All LS gatherings, parties, club events etc that we have hosted or participate in this is behavior that will get you removed and banned.

 

All these venues also will have the person/couple that invited/recommended the new person/couple leaving with them.  They are held responsible for their actions.

 

no matter the event, activity including open and private room participation is it acceptable to do any activity at all without consent from that person/couple.

 

It is not ever acceptable behavior.

 

There definitely a line….do not test it or cross it.

[njbm 2,870]

Your husband had a talk and it didn’t work. Report him to management. 

[TnA83 309]

2 hours ago, njbm said:

Your husband had a talk and it didn’t work. Report him to management. 

And don't invite him ever again.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

The difference between the vanilla world and the LS is that the vanilla world winks at this sort of intrusive behavior, tolerates liars, thinks cheating is okay until people get caught and so on. 

 

The LS world is founded on the principle of physical autonomy, meaning that asking permission is expected, consent is required, and only "yes means yes".  This is usually abbreviated as "no means no", but that's incomplete. The LS is also founded on the principle of candor, "if you don't have to lie about sex, you shouldn't have to lie about anything".  Saying "no thank you" expresses a preference and defines a personal boundary. It is a neutral statement. It is not a judgement. It is a rejection only insofar as the other person wanted to know where the boundary lies (see above: permission).  

 

Persons who cannot internalize and practice these principles--respect for autonomy and embrace of candor--have rejected the LS, are unwelcome in the LS, and should be ejected from the LS. 

 

As an aside, asking permission and obtaining consent is a skill. It has to be learned, practiced, honed. It can feel clumsy. It should not be awkward. "May I please?" is a start. 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

21 hours ago, Aphroditee said:

... but any woman or man that thinks they can touch another person anyplace under clothing without permission is wrong.

Like, and like, a thousand times like.

 

There are some in the lifestyle that don't understand the rules, and think that being in the lifestyle means everyone wants people to always be touching them. Those people won't be in the lifestyle very long, and they should be reported to the management of a swinger club.

[Rock n Tits 186]

13 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

Like, and like, a thousand times like.

 

There are some in the lifestyle that don't understand the rules, and think that being in the lifestyle means everyone wants people to always be touching them. Those people won't be in the lifestyle very long, and they should be reported to the management of a swinger club.

Yuppp with Ddd tits this happens at swing clubs a lot and you have to stop it right away or others will take it as a pass and the next thing you know you go to get a drink and they ascend and start grabbing wrong and rude

[cplnuswing 4,713]

Agree with everything above.  Like dealing with most problems, I think start small and then escalate until you get results is the way to go.  If it gets to the point of reporting to club management and they don't do anything about it, then time to find a different club.

 

In our lifestyle adventures, nearly everyone, of both sexes, has been respectful.  The worst has been something very similar.  One night at a swing club, mrs. cplnuswing spotted a single guy at the bar she thought was hot. At this club, single guys are restricted to just certain areas unless invited by a couple. So she goes up to him and asks him if he would like to dance, and within a minute he had his hand up her skirt trying to finger her.  She just shook her head no and kind of pulled back from him, and he got to finish his dance but at arm's length and then make retreat back to the bar to be by himself again.

 

I thought then, and still do, what a dumbass!  So a woman comes up and asks you to dance, in an on-premise swing club.  1) she has at least some level of interest in you, 2) she can put that interest into action any time she wants, playroom just steps away.  And you decide to totally fuck that up by trying to cop a cheap feel within 60 seconds of first meeting her?  Clueless!!