Heat Of The Moment, Boundary Crossed.

[Skullsawange 8]

Setting: Husband and I are at a bathhouse with another couple and 2 other ladies. We all met at a fetish event and got a room at the bathhouse afterwards.

 

Situation: After the 6 of us had already all had sex in the room at the bathhouse, we decided to take a look around the dungeon. It's a dark basement with glory holes, a 'cake' to bang on, some swings and some other things. 

 

The 6 of us were congregated around the swing and this bench. The 3 other ladies were all fooling around on the swing, I was on my knees blowing my husband and the other guy was watching it all. My husband noticed he didn't have any condoms so he was going to run up and get some. I had said that I was going to go with, but he said 'its ok, I'll be right back.'. 

 

(That was our first mistake) 

 

He ran upstairs and I was left with the 4 other people. When husband left the room I had gotten up and was leaning against the bench watching the ladies play. Husband was gone for about a minute and a half, this all happened fast. I glanced over to the guy, he looked at me and it was an understanding what was about to happen. I did consent. I didn't say no. He put the condom on and started fucking me. Not even a minute later, my husband came back down, walked straight over to me I grabbed him and started kissing him. He whispered 'never again' in my ear and I understood what I did wrong. 

 

It happened SO fast. An honest heat of the moment slip up. This all happened after we had already fucked all of them, multiple times that night. 

 

Me and husband being in the same room was a boundary that we had set. I got way too comfortable and didn't say no. When I could and should have. 

 

It's been about 3 days and were working through it, we have a rock solid marriage and this is but a small bump to overcome. 

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do you do when you overstep a hard boundary that was set? The key to every problem is prevention. But what happens with an honest 'heat of the moment' slip up? 

 

 

 

 

[Aphroditee 323]

In the beginning we had a bunch of rules, but now we do not.  In the beginning I had a few minor slip ups, in the heat of the moment, and he had a major slip up.  In each case we talked about the transgression, apologies were made, and then I point blank asked him if he wanted to stop or continue.  Cause that is what it comes down to.  I can't go back in time and take it back, I can only apologize and promise not to break the rule again.  Reset the clear boundaries.  I am not a child and I will not be scolded nor will I scold because he is not a child.  In every instance he wanted to continue in the lifestyle so we recalibrate the rules and kept moving forward.  Hope that helps, I know it sounds a little harsh but it's the truth.  Good luck.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We also had a bunch of rules that eventually got paired down to only a few rules. One of those is still 'if one of us says no, then we both say no'. It sounds like he is now saying no so you both should be saying no...until he says otherwise (and that may never happen). It may have been (what you think was) a small mistake, but he isn't taking it as such. You have also violated his trust. Spend more time working on restoring that trust and enjoying your time together and put swinging on the back burner until he's ready.

[lovefest04 698]

Good advise above, glad you have a strong relationship.

 

Trust is something that is built over time yet quickly destroyed. Apologize and do everything you can to hear his concern. No excuses, just honest responsibility.

 

Frankly, in the big picture of a relationship, we less than perfect humans make mistakes. We do things that we wish we could take back, both in swinging and in our vanilla lives. The fact that naked sex is involved doesn't make it any worse.

 

So, love each other, respect each other, acknowledge ones transgressions and move forward together. He can help, by allowing you to apologize, accepting it in the spirit it is intended and not punishing you for it. it does take two and as you stated you have a strong relationship, don't let this become bigger or more important that it really is.

 

The evening did sounds super fun and sexy.

[PeterJ 940]

15 hours ago, Skullsawange said:

"It happened SO fast. An honest heat of the moment slip up. This all happened after we had already fucked all of them, multiple times that night."

 

For sure lifestyle couples should discuss in advance how they will comport themselves when they are in sexual situations with others. And it’s important to identify activities  that one or both are uncomfortable with and agree to avoid them. Essential to maintaining the level of trust that enables both to have a satisfying experience in the lifestyle.

 

That said, I also find myself thinking that if in the middle of a great sex session you aren’t on the ragged edge of rationality and control, you might not be doing sex correctly…😉😊 From my perspective, given the situation you describe, this doesn’t seem like such a huge slip. But you report your husband is extremely upset. It makes me wonder if there’s some larger issue here. Just a thought.

[Skullsawange 8]

2 hours ago, PeterJ said:

For sure lifestyle couples should discuss in advance how they will comport themselves when they are in sexual situations with others. And it’s important to identify activities  that one or both are uncomfortable with and agree to avoid them. Essential to maintaining the level of trust that enables both to have a satisfying experience in the lifestyle.

 

That said, I also find myself thinking that if in the middle of a great sex session you aren’t on the ragged edge of rationality and control, you might not be doing sex correctly…😉😊 From my perspective, given the situation you describe, this doesn’t seem like such a huge slip. But you report your husband is extremely upset. It makes me wonder if there’s some larger issue here. Just a thought.

He's not seriously upset. We've talked in depth about it and the underlying problem is that every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him. He said when he walked into the room and saw me, it was like reliving so many times he'd walked into rooms and seen his girlfriends cheating on him. Which I understand. 

 

I think I feel worse about hurting him than he does about seeing me there. I'm just sad that I crossed a boundary we had talked about. 

 

All that being said, he does still want to continue. It wasn't a major slip or anything. 

 

I have to remember to only go as fast as the slowest person. I don't think clearly in those situations and that's something I've got to get a handle on. Just wondering how others have handled this.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I think you've already handled it, and handled it well.

 

One thing you might consider; suggest to him, in a non-accusatory way, that you don't want to be alone without him in a swinging situation. Make it a pact between the two of you that if one of you needs to leave the room for a bit for whatever reason, that you both do.

 

Aphroditee is right; you can't change the past. All you can do is move forward from it taking the lessons from the past into the future.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

20 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

I think you've already handled it, and handled it well.

 

One thing you might consider; suggest to him, in a non-accusatory way, that you don't want to be alone without him in a swinging situation. Make it a pact between the two of you that if one of you needs to leave the room for a bit for whatever reason, that you both do.

 

Aphroditee is right; you can't change the past. All you can do is move forward from it taking the lessons from the past into the future.

Love love love this advice!

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

All of the above. 

A piece of advice when a boundary is transgressed, a feeling hurt, a trust violated: Forgive and Remember. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

On 4/18/2022 at 5:00 PM, Skullsawange said:

He's not seriously upset. We've talked in depth about it and the underlying problem is that every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him. He said when he walked into the room and saw me, it was like reliving so many times he'd walked into rooms and seen his girlfriends cheating on him. Which I understand. 

This must have been a jarring feeling, but it also sounds like he fully understands where it came from and approached it lovingly and with understanding.

 

I agree with bbarnsworth about setting a rule about leaving together. Also, when we first started to explore the idea of playing separately, one hard rule that we set was that we could indulge in oral as freely as we liked, but that intercourse was a hard stop until we'd talked about it. Lots of room to experiment but an absolute space where there would be no surprises. I don't know if something like that would help the two of you manage expectations if you intend to leave the room again.

[MS1999 38]

Our #1 rule in the lifestyle is 'any mistake that is innocently made is immediately forgiven'. We've both messed up on accident, in the heat of the moment going further than our rules really allow. We've never done anything that would put the other at risk (eg unprotected sex) and we've never done anything that was not, sincerely, a minor slip up. So, in your case it seems totally understandable how that mistake could happen and it doesn't seem like a big deal... I think he should be able to get past it

[TnA83 306]

On 4/17/2022 at 8:15 PM, Skullsawange said:

Setting: Husband and I are at a bathhouse with another couple and 2 other ladies. We all met at a fetish event and got a room at the bathhouse afterwards.

 

Situation: After the 6 of us had already all had sex in the room at the bathhouse, we decided to take a look around the dungeon. It's a dark basement with glory holes, a 'cake' to bang on, some swings and some other things. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since all six of you had already had sex with each other, it seems that the door had been opened.  The play had not stopped, just moved to another venue.   (With swings and everything!) No disrespect to your husband or anything, but it just seems like an overly rigid interpretation of the rules.

[lcmim 1,081]

Anyone can be blind sided, at any time, for any reason, logical or not , for causes that  maybe they do not fully comprehend at the time.

 

This sounds like one of those.

 

I am not even sure that corrective measures are much needed.

 

Being sure of each other , that neither will cause hurt intentionally and that there is care taken not to do so unintentionally, has always been enough to get us through any awkward "aw shit" occurrences.

 

I have learned a few things about myself at such times.

[Sunday 119]

On 4/17/2022 at 10:15 PM, Skullsawange said:

Setting: Husband and I are at a bathhouse with another couple and 2 other ladies. We all met at a fetish event and got a room at the bathhouse afterwards.

 

Situation: After the 6 of us had already all had sex in the room at the bathhouse, we decided to take a look around the dungeon. It's a dark basement with glory holes, a 'cake' to bang on, some swings and some other things. 

 

The 6 of us were congregated around the swing and this bench. The 3 other ladies were all fooling around on the swing, I was on my knees blowing my husband and the other guy was watching it all. My husband noticed he didn't have any condoms so he was going to run up and get some. I had said that I was going to go with, but he said 'its ok, I'll be right back.'. 

 

(That was our first mistake) 

 

He ran upstairs and I was left with the 4 other people. When husband left the room I had gotten up and was leaning against the bench watching the ladies play. Husband was gone for about a minute and a half, this all happened fast. I glanced over to the guy, he looked at me and it was an understanding what was about to happen. I did consent. I didn't say no. He put the condom on and started fucking me. Not even a minute later, my husband came back down, walked straight over to me I grabbed him and started kissing him. He whispered 'never again' in my ear and I understood what I did wrong. 

 

It happened SO fast. An honest heat of the moment slip up. This all happened after we had already fucked all of them, multiple times that night. 

 

Me and husband being in the same room was a boundary that we had set. I got way too comfortable and didn't say no. When I could and should have. 

 

It's been about 3 days and were working through it, we have a rock solid marriage and this is but a small bump to overcome. 

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do you do when you overstep a hard boundary that was set? The key to every problem is prevention. But what happens with an honest 'heat of the moment' slip up? 

 

 

 

 

What was thrill for you?  Doing something behind your husbands back or that you knew you were going to get caught? 

 

Or both?

 

😕

 

[TnA83 306]

On 4/18/2022 at 3:00 PM, Skullsawange said:

He's not seriously upset. We've talked in depth about it and the underlying problem is that every girlfriend he's ever had has cheated on him. He said when he walked into the room and saw me, it was like reliving so many times he'd walked into rooms and seen his girlfriends cheating on him. Which I understand. 

 

I think I feel worse about hurting him than he does about seeing me there. I'm just sad that I crossed a boundary we had talked about. 

 

All that being said, he does still want to continue. It wasn't a major slip or anything. 

 

I have to remember to only go as fast as the slowest person. I don't think clearly in those situations and that's something I've got to get a handle on. Just wondering how others have handled this.

Was this the same night from the other thread?  The one where things got weird?

[freakydikicouple 13]

On 4/18/2022 at 11:19 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

We also had a bunch of rules that eventually got paired down to only a few rules. One of those is still 'if one of us says no, then we both say no'. It sounds like he is now saying no so you both should be saying no...until he says otherwise (and that may never

Oh man, this is such a simple and effective rule. Jacking this

[Davdia 119]

On 6/14/2022 at 3:45 PM, Sunday said:

 But what happens with an honest 'heat of the moment' slip up? 

There is no such thing if you care about your spouse more than yourself. If I were unable to stay within my boundaries I simply wouldn’t swing.

My spouses feeling are way more important than a simple sex act. Cheating is probably also against your rules, how would you feel if he did that?

[Eddiem 139]

On 4/18/2022 at 4:37 AM, Aphroditee said:

In the beginning we had a bunch of rules, but now we do not.  In the beginning I had a few minor slip ups, in the heat of the moment, and he had a major slip up.  In each case we talked about the transgression, apologies were made, and then I point blank asked him if he wanted to stop or continue.  Cause that is what it comes down to.  I can't go back in time and take it back, I can only apologize and promise not to break the rule again.  Reset the clear boundaries.  I am not a child and I will not be scolded nor will I scold because he is not a child.  In every instance he wanted to continue in the lifestyle so we recalibrate the rules and kept moving forward.  Hope that helps, I know it sounds a little harsh but it's the truth.  Good luck.

same here.. the safe way to start is set rules... they often and quickly get broken. Look everyone is there for a good time. 1 + 1 is 2 not 11 so it is bound to happen. 

[Davdia 119]

I love how so many cheaters just say it happened “in the heat of the moment “.

i could also say I fucked your sister “ in the heat of the moment “

or I stole a car “ in the heat of the moment “……I wonder if the cops would just let it go…you know, “ in the heat of the moment”

all just shit excuses for not being responsible for your own actions!

[couplers 4,616]

1 Corinthians 13 1

Love is patient, love is kind... it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

[oldswinger64 111]

In a marriage, even non-swingers, we all make mistakes.  If you cannot forgive each other and move on from those mistakes, the marriage is in trouble.  We are not "cops" to our spouses. 

[Davdia 119]

2 hours ago, oldswinger64 said:

In a marriage, even non-swingers, we all make mistakes.  If you cannot forgive each other and move on from those mistakes, the marriage is in trouble.  We are not "cops" to our spouses. 

Although this is all very true I think most people don’t easily forgive infidelity, if you’re real swingers and not just okay with your spouse cheating then it means the same. Cheating is cheating……….you may be in the top 1% or in a poly relationship but the majority of couples have boundaries and they are as important as marital vows to them.  Remember a lot of new swingers do everything together and many have things like kissing and swallowing are off the table. If you screw up early on then this will not likely end well.

[TnA83 306]

But back to the OP's original transgression, they had been having sex as a couple within a group for what sounded like several hours.  When he left for condoms for a few minutes she didn't see that starting up with one of the guys she had been fucking on the same night was cheating.  For chrissake, she knew he would be back momentarily with condoms, presumably to fuck one of the other girls at the party!

[cplnluv1 871]

The OP title said it “in the heat of the moment”, things happen and at times the brain doesn’t function the way it was planned. 
Many set rules before then in the heat of the moment rules change or are forgotten. If you can’t get passed the boundary crossed it is time for the two of you to call a time out and reassess your goals and relationship. 

[Numex 2,409]

On 4/17/2022 at 8:15 PM, Skullsawange said:

An honest heat of the moment slip up. .

 

I guess what I'm asking is, what do you do when you overstep a hard boundary that was set? The key to every problem is prevention. But what happens with an honest 'heat of the moment' slip up? 

We prevent these slip-ups by... not having any rules.

 

What do we do when something surprising happens in the heat of the moment?  Celebrate afterwards.  The first time my wife said "I love you" to another husband in our group?  I said that I hope he feels the same, it's good to care.  When another wife in our group made an unplanned stop at our house on her way home, and Daniela wasn't there?  My wife later asked me if it was good and sucked my dick to confirm what happened.  Heat of the moment, it's rare and good.

Edited November 12, 2022 by Numex

[Davdia 119]

On 11/12/2022 at 1:18 PM, Numex said:

We prevent these slip-ups by... not having any rules.

 

What do we do when something surprising happens in the heat of the moment?  Celebrate afterwards.  The first time my wife said "I love you" to another husband in our group?  I said that I hope he feels the same, it's good to care.  When another wife in our group made an unplanned stop at our house on her way home, and Daniela wasn't there?  My wife later asked me if it was good and sucked my dick to confirm what happened.  Heat of the moment, it's rare and good.

Telling a swinger who has specific rules they are comfortable with to just forget their pre-set boundaries and throw out all of their rules might just be the single dumbest advise I’ve ever seen given on this site. People have rules because that their comfort level, your advice is the same as saying the best way to get over getting burned is to jump head first into a fire….dumbass!!

You realize people are here for advice? Right?

[lcmim 1,081]

Davidia,

 

On the other hand looking at rules to see if they are serving you well, or if each, individually, is even necessary, is probably a good practice on a regular basis.

[Davdia 119]

52 minutes ago, lcmim said:

Davidia,

 

On the other hand looking at rules to see if they are serving you well, or if each, individually, is even necessary, is probably a good practice on a regular basis.

Now this is sound advice.
People have limits for a reason but together they need to be discussed and adjusted as comfort levels change.

To suggest throwing out all your rules to avoid get caught breaking one like the last person suggested was just ridiculous and careless advice.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

You know what I think is an excellent boundary to not  cross? Not calling other people on this forum a dumbass. It's fine to disagree. It's not fine to start casting insults. Please stop.

[Numex 2,409]

On 11/14/2022 at 5:50 AM, Davdia said:

your advice is the same as saying the best way to get over getting burned is to jump head first into a fire

Your analogy is is not correct.  Jumping into a fire head first will harm anyone; doing something sexually which is consensual between the participants won't harm anyone, especially a third party.  If a spouse doesn't like something?  Make it known and decide how to go forward.  Do it again or maybe not.  There is no real harm done, unless someone is being over sensitive. 

[Numex 2,409]

On 11/19/2022 at 9:51 AM, bbarnsworth said:

You know what I think is an excellent boundary to not  cross? Not calling other people on this forum a dumbass. It's fine to disagree. It's not fine to start casting insults. Please stop.

Thank you.  But I have been called worse by better people.  🙂

[hlgcpl4fun 79]

Sabrina and I (Robert) have been in the lifestyle for a lobg time. When we first started we had lots of "rules?"  No M/F kissing, always in the same room, no one takes one for the team, condoms always for intercourse, etc. .  Over the years we have become more relaxed. We are good with 💋 kissing (that is something we usually still don't do except in rare occasions) we still are almost always in the same room, but are ok when we are not (I love walking in on Sabrina giving head or being fucked, the first time was at one of our house parties. I walked downstairs from the group room and she was giving a really hot BBC a blowjob. It was such a turn on ! Another time she was fucking a hot 22 year old in our bedroom, which was off limits for our party guests. That was really hot 🔥 so far no bareback although I would love to eat a creampie and suck their combined juices of of a cock