Our son found out and he resents us.

[Hiimnew 10]

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/oxsfe7/me_25m_grew_up_with_parents_48f_and_52m_who_had/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ihp8sc/aita_for_yelling_at_my_parents_that_their/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/Swingers/comments/u62mb5/my_son_found_out_and_is_rejecting_us/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I've read all three stories, and what I see in all cases is parents that neglected their children. The swinging/open marriage is used as a focal point, but it's not the point. The point is these parents were being bad parents...in some cases just AWFUL parents. These stories could have just as easily been written without swinging/open marriage involved at all. You could just as easily replace the swinging aspect with drinking, going to bars/clubbing, having friends over for a drunken party night, etc. It would be the same difference. Swinging wasn't the cause of the neglect.

 

It does serve as a potent reminder to all of us to take time with our children seriously.

 

Recently, my wife and I have gotten involved with another couple. Things are going very nicely. It has also meant that we've been out from the house when in the last few years (in part, due to covid) we have not been. I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it healthy for kids to understand that parents need to spend time on themselves too. Parents that throw themselves 100000% into being a parent can in fact hurt their kids in doing so. I'd much rather show my kids that their parents have an interest in spending time together.

 

My wife and I spend a lot of time on our kids. We are always there for their events (unless work is in the way), and always provide support for them in the form of time. I wouldn't have it any other way. Their are times when they don't like us (one of them in particular tonight is in quite the mood..sigh), but I'm not here to be liked..I'm here to be a parent, and that I take quite seriously. If I thought for even a second that spending time with this other couple was hurting my children, I'd stop it instantly, and so would my wife.

 

My wife and I have been very intentional about keeping the open marriage aspect of our lives to ourselves. We don't feel it's any of the kids' business. It's our private lives, and ours alone. We don't pry into their dating lives and we're not going to disclose ours. We have discussed that if they should find out, we're not going to deny it.

[Hiimnew 10]

I absolutely agree with you. Parents need time alone. However a strong marriage is never enough. Parents need to make one-on-one time with their kids and have to active in nurturing that individual relationship. I have a 24 year old who call me frequently and visits every other week. I've met his girlfriend who I adore. Last year my husband and him did a father-son trip to Colorado. We've always made our relationship with me a priority even in his teens.

[distraughtparents 7]

Somebody on reddit recommended to come here.

Our son(23M) was returning one of our bags we left at his house a week ago. He decided to return it late at night last Saturday. Our "party" ended and we had people leaving. Apparently, when he reached out front door we had couples leaving and talking about the party. My wife opened the door in shock. He threw the bag on the floor "Here's your stuff, sorry if I interrupted your orgy." My wife, as usual started blowing up his phone. My wife had the phone on speaker. He picked up the fourth time and "Mom we can talk about this on Friday at my place but I want to be left alone for this week.

Friday came and we were sitting at his place. He let out a lot of his frustrations. He said "You guys were basically gone every other weekend when I was 16 years old. Was the only time you guys were at home was because you didn't have any fuck buddies to suck and fuck?" I told him to watch the way he spoke to us and that we did still spent time on the days we didn't go nor we gone for the whole weekend. He responds "Yeah name one time you guys did anything with me on an individual basis? You guys were attached to the hip basically. I was actually jealous of your relationship. How fucked up is that! I used to think it's nice and all how much you love each other but couldn't show me the same amount of love and attention. I used to get sick seeing you snuggle with each other like teenagers whenever we used to watch a movie together. You used to tease me about it but you had no idea how I felt inside." I responded with telling him that a romantic relationship and a parent child relationship are completely different. He gets pissed off and said" Don't insult my intelligence. I know that. It's still doesn't change you guys cared more about each other. I've seen how girlfriend's parents love on her. I used to get jealous. By the way, mom, yes my girlfriend isn't a big fan of yours. She doesn't respect you as my parents. The reason I didn't share how I felt when I was at home because it felt humiliating."

My wife starts bawling in tears and starts begging for forgiveness while reaching out for a hug. He rebukes and calls her a whore. I started seeing red and I was up in his face telling him to watch his mouth. He then responds with saying "What are you going to do man-whore. I shouldn't be calling you a man. Get the fuck out of my house before I lose control."

 

My wife has called out for going to work tomorrow and today. She hasn't left the bed and is crying. I've been crying all night. My son hates my guts and I don't know what to do.

*Note: there's alot more cursing, so paraphrased the stuff he said

[NWAtlSwing 522]

This really seems to be less about your swinging and more about his sense of how he was raised. He clearly feels he did not get the affection he wanted. As this comes as a complete surprise to y'all, it sounds like he did not talk about it. He also sounds like he is responding to the shock that his parents are not who he thought they were. He is hurt and this leads to anger. I am not sure that he hates either of you, but he is responding to strong emotions and they are coming out as anger.

 

This is a hard situation, and not how you would have liked him to find out. And, your marriage is your primary relationship. He is 23 and moved out and living his own life. We can hope that after he has some time, he can be more calm and address his feelings. I agree that calling his parents names is unacceptable.

 

You lived your lives, you raised a son who is successful. Like all parents, you did not give him everything he needs. None of us do. As painful as his rejection is, it is about him, not about you and your wife.

 

This is going to be difficult. As a therapist, I might suggest that you and your wife see someone to help with your side of emotions, Family therapy for all three of you would be ideal, but I doubt he would come.

 

PM me is you want to talk more.

 

Bryan

[distraughtparents 7]

He felt like we loved each other more than him and that he felt like an outsider at home. He did have friends and a social life, but we were always out and about just the two of us frequently.

 

He used to ask me to camping just me and him but I turned it down since we already made plans.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

As pointed out, this is less about swinging and more about him feeling left out. Of course, the swinging part just knocks everything up a notch, just because it is a shock to him finding out. As NTAtlSwing already suggested, you may want to get a counselor involved to help you dealing with these feelings and to see what you might be able to do to improve your relationship with him. Right now, however, he needs some time to digest what he has learned. Let him know that you still want to get together and talk again, but let him say when. We wish you the best and know that we are all here for you to talk with.

 

[Hiimnew 10]

  @NWAtlSwing     What kind of therapist are you?  The poor son feels like his parents preferred swinging and time with each other over time with him. You don't think that will have permanent effect on the parent-child relationship.

[lcmim 1,081]

There are two things in play perhaps.

 1. He felt that you were closer to each other than to him.

2. He is in shock and has transferred some of  number one to that.

 

As far as 1. goes our kids were never left in any doubt that each of us had our first loyalties to each other.  I remember, with one of the boys, explaining in no uncertain terms that , if he were smart, he would not try to test that bond.

Our children managed to interpret that state of affairs as stability in their lives.

None of them have ever hinted that they felt unloved or left out.

 

At 23 he is just entering one of the major learning curves. It will be interesting to see how he deals with it the first time there is a tension between his spouse and a child. He just might learn that in order for his child's life to be solidly grounded it is a good thing for his parents to have a sound, solid and affectionate marriage.

 

As for the shock. Time and experience will likely square that away.

[Hiimnew 10]

3 minutes ago, lcmim said:

There are two things in play perhaps.

 1. He felt that you were closer to each other than to him.

2. He is in shock and has transferred some of  number one to that.

 

As far as 1. goes our kids were never left in any doubt that each of us had our first loyalties to each other.  I remember, with one of the boys, explaining in no uncertain terms that , if he were smart, he would not try to test that bond.

Our children managed to interpret that state of affairs as stability in their lives.

None of them have ever hinted that they felt unloved or left out.

 

At 23 he is just entering one of the major learning curves. It will be interesting to see how he deals with it the first time there is a tension between his spouse and a child. He just might learn that in order for his child's life to be solidly grounded it is a good thing for his parents to have a sound, solid and affectionate marriage.

 

As for the shock. Time and experience will likely square that away.

Yeah I'm a parent myself. Like alot of parents BOTH relationship with the kids are of equal standing. 

A strong marriage isn't enough to raise emotionally healthy kids.

 

This isn't something a new. Take a look at this story.

 

[Hiimnew 10]

@Icmim what are your thoughts 

 

[lcmim 1,081]

There is far more there than the parents prioritizing their relationship as a basis for being parents.

[Hiimnew 10]

@Icmim sometime the kid have to feel like they come first.

 

I have a 24 year old who call every other day and visits every other week. He and his dad went on a father-son trip to Colorado last year. We did date nights. I fucking love his girlfriend.

 

Yes kids will eventually lead their own lives but we have to work on the relationship with them at home so we can have a relationship with them in the future.

[lcmim 1,081]

There were sufficient times when our children saw that they came before the rest of the world. That was never a question. It was also never a question that my wife and I came first for each other.

This is not an either or proposition.

We see it as more of a foundational issue. All of the rest of what our family is, is based upon the loyalty and the priority that we have for each other

 

[NWAtlSwing 522]

 

1 hour ago, Hiimnew said:

  @NWAtlSwing     What kind of therapist are you?  The poor son feels like his parents preferred swinging and time with each other over time with him. You don't think that will have permanent effect on the parent-child relationship.

Well, I am a mental health therapist. That is what type I am.

 

Nothing in this post says to me the parents did a poor job raising their son. It sounds like, based on the quotes, he has decided that he did not get enough attention. It sounds like you have decided he did not either. I do not have any access to any of the people, nor do I have the full facts. I certainly cannot sit in judgement of the situation.

 

What I can say about any marriage and family is that the marriage is the most important relationship the married people have. The children will grow up and leave and the marriage will remain. 30 years in the business has taught me that. What I can say about resentment is this: Resentment can only be addressed by the person with the resentment. There is no way for the parents to change the past.

 

Finally, as to address the permanent effect, the resentment was already there. Sort of baked into the cake. It seems now it has a name and an outlet. All sorts of things have permanent effects on relationships. Relationships are not static and are always changing.

 

I hope that this family can find some resolution.

 

[Hiimnew 10]

@Icemim So there were never ANY times your kids came  first to even before your wife?

 

My husband has a strained  relationship  with his parents cause his father always favored his mother.

[lcmim 1,081]

There were times when we strongly disagreed as to what was the best for an individual child. We believed it was necessary for us to sort it out between us before the child was even aware that we were disagreeing. I am lucky enough that I'm married to a woman who's opinion I honor as much as she honors mine. There was never any question of the child coming before one of the two of us. The one thing nobody has asked it's just exactly where we placed ourselves in this whole thing. That may be the point where the problems that have listed occur. I do not believe either of us placed ourselves individually before our children ever.

An examples given where people are going off and partying rather than staying home with their kids it is fairly clear, at least to me, that they were placing their individual desires ahead of their place as parents.

 

[Psychswinger 0]

Hey folks I'm a long time lurker. I never bothered to officially join until this specific topic triggered me.

 

@NWAtlSwing May I ask for your credentials. You're sounding like John Rosemond

 

I'm in clinical psychology. In no way shape or form does the data suggest that the martial relationship has to come before the parent-child relationship.

 

I'll admit that the data does suggest that a strong martial relationship does benefit children.

 

However, research suggests that's  it important for a parent to foster a strong,individual relationship independent of the co-parent. That is why one-on-one time is suggested

 

Op's son was shot down when he mentioned  about desiring one-on-one time. 

[NWAtlSwing 522]

29 minutes ago, Psychswinger said:

Hey folks I'm a long time lurker. I never bothered to officially join until this specific topic triggered me.

 

@NWAtlSwing May I ask for your credentials. You're sounding like John Rosemond

 

I'm in clinical psychology. In no way shape or form does the data suggest that the martial relationship has to come before the parent-child relationship.

 

I'll admit that the data does suggest that a strong martial relationship does benefit children.

 

However, research suggests that's  it important for a parent to foster a strong,individual relationship independent of the co-parent. That is why one-on-one time is suggested

 

Op's son was shot down when he mentioned  about desiring one-on-one time. 

 

As a therapist, I do not think analyzing family dynamics based on a single post to be ethical, so I will refrain from making any judgements. That seems the best bet. If you would like to engage in a discussion on good parenting practices, I am more than willing to do so, but I think that should be a thread in a different area. I have said my piece here on this topic and I will pray for the family to have a good resolution.

 

[Billygoat 443]

found this posted twice.  So I pasted my response….or lack of one again here.
 

Hhmmm.  Not sure what you are looking or asking for.

 

every parent and child is a bit unique.  Most children have a degree of earned respect when it comes to older as well as other adults.  
 

certainly not enough here to play family psychologist or counselor.  
 

I will say our experience with hundreds of couples a single parents with older teen and young adult children does not come remotely close to this scenario.   
 

But again each family relationship is different.
 

wish you all the best

 

 

Trying to analyze anything here, based on what has been shared would only cause more issues then uncover them.  
 

[lovefest04 698]

I hope that all three find a place to accept each other and love each other. It may take time.

 

I am not a therapist at ALL, but I am a father. So, take this with a grain of salt.

 

He's 23. he's spent the last two plus years in isolation of sorts. Connections are frazzled in a lot of relationships. The future seems uncertain. The economy is having difficulty. A 20 something is dealing with a lot of unknowns and a lot of dysfunction. I don't know about him, specifically, but I think he's scared.  He is acting out and maybe, just maybe, the parents swinging has given him the catalyst he needed to lash out. But, I'm guessing it isn't THE reason. I talk to a lot of other parents, our children are in the same age range, 20-28 or so and they are struggling and don't know where to place their anger, frustration and sadness.

 

Therapy might be really useful. Love will also help. If it was me, I'd have clear boundaries about how each person can express themselves, Mom, Dad and Son.

 

My heart goes out to you all.

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I'm not sure what you're getting at. My relationship with my wife is fantastic. My relationship with my kids is fantastic. I don't prioritize relationships with people outside our family (whether lovers or not) over my family, nor would I. I still don't see anything in those reddit posts that points to the underlying problem being swinging. Instead, I see neglect. If you're in this to condemn swinging, you're not making headway.

[Psychswinger 0]

I've seen this happening alot where I swing. I see the same exact parents swinging literally every weekend when they got kids at home. 

 

I'm also a second generation swinger as is my husband. However my Husband's parents took it too far.

[njbm 2,868]

We have heard stories of parents prioritizing swinging over their parental duties. But I agree, negligent parents work too much, drink too much, golf too much. Swinging is not the core of the problem.  

[distraughtparents 7]

we talked today

[distraughtparents 7]

I feel really numb right now. At this point I'm writing for cathartic reasons. It's been four hours ago my son invited us to talk to him. I asked him to give us a couple of few days but my wife was persistent to say the least. Before we got in the car, we both agreed to listen to him say his piece first.

When we entered, he still seamed energetic. He asked us for water or anything. We said no and we sat down in the living room.

He said a lot for me to quote. I'll just give a summary:

He first apologized for the name-calling. He said he deeply regrets calling us that and wishes he could take that back. He says he isn't inherently against us being swingers, even though that's something he personally doesn't have an interest in himself. He feels though it was that our swinging took precedence over spending time with him. He understood that we couldn't have our world revolve around him. He understood we needed time as a couple to keep our marriage strong. However, according to him we checked out of the relationship we had with him at around 15. In his we seemed much more happy coming back from our weekend getaways and our anniversary vacation than with the family trips. The fact that we did more couples trips than family trips didn't help at all. We were practically gone every other Saturday. To him it seemed we were so happy and wrapped around each other that he sort of felt like an intruder at home. Out of fear of intruding, he never confronted us on how he felt inside. He said he felt like an accessory to our marriage, rather than a person we wanted a strong individual relationship with. It seemed like parenting was a daily chore for us. In order to deal with this he asked us for one-on-one time with either of us so he could he feel like he could get our undivided attention for once. However, we rarely could have because of how many swinger activities we booked. We would tell him to do stuff with his friends instead. He figured out that we were swingers when he asked to borrow the laptop when he was 17 and we had one tab open. He sort of gave up on wanting a relationship with us at that point. He told me he primarily dormed not only for social life but he needed to get out of the house. He outright told us that we don't know him as an individual. To us, he's a quite introverted kid who doesn't say a lot around us. However, he much more talkative with everyone else around. The thing that shocked us was that he pretended to be happy when we call or came to visit so that he didn't hurt our feelings. He says his love for us comes out of gratitude, not because he likes being around us or because he feels close to us. He mentioned that he talks to his girlfriend's parents significantly more than us.

The main reason that he blew up at us, was that we came uninvited to his place. He hated the fact that he had to pretend to actually interact with us as if we had that kind of relationship. He initially wanted to make an excuse that he had to go somewhere but he's made that excuse multiple times whenever we invited him or asked if he could come over. So, he had to bite the bullet. After four hours, we finally left. He was angry and annoyed at the same time. He finally say we left the bag at his place. Not wanting an excuse to come to his place again, he dropped the bag at night. He sort of figured it out we had one of our parties ending and it triggered him.

He said what we wants from us now:

-Unless it's for certain occasion, don't ask him to call or visit anymore.

-He no longer will initiate anything from his side

-He wants us to call him if there's an emergency or if we need possible financial help because he feels he owes us at least that much.

-Respect the fact that his girlfriend's parents will take precedence over us from now on. Meaning if they ever have kids, they would be the primary grandparents. He will deal with taking care of them when they get old before he looks at us.

-Don't ask for more or expect more out of our relationship. He doesn't want a mother-son dance at his wedding. He doesn't want me giving a speech at his wedding.

My wife couldn't handled it and asked us to leave. She was silent the entire time we drove home.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

15 hours ago, NWAtlSwing said:

 

As a therapist, I do not think analyzing family dynamics based on a single post to be ethical, so I will refrain from making any judgements. That seems the best bet. If you would like to engage in a discussion on good parenting practices, I am more than willing to do so, but I think that should be a thread in a different area. I have said my piece here on this topic and I will pray for the family to have a good resolution.

 

Your credentials?

 

Like Psychswinger and Himnew, I find your comments to be questionable, if not dubious. 

 

And, you did make a judgement when you (incorrectly) stated "... it is about him, not about you and your wife." You couldn't be more off base. Children do not grow up in a vacuum. This has everything to do with them and the parental choices they made in the past, and what choices they make in the future.

 

You got one part half-right: It's not entirely about their swinging.

 

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

There's a lot going on here. I agree with people who are seeing that it isn't about the swinging, it's just the salt in the wound.

 

A lot of young people have difficult feelings about their teenage years with their parents. His seem justified. The bit about not being together much around the holidays really stung.

 

He seems to have figured this out, too. That it isn't really about the swinging. He's just coming to grips with *why* you weren't around and feels like he was even less important than he thought.

 

There is no easy fix for this, but he is going through stages of processing what he's learned and his feelings will likely change further. Keep loving him. Couples counseling for the two of you might not be the worst idea, either, just to help you both talk to each other about what you've learned here and make sure the two of *you* don't spend years with unspoken anger.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

I agree with much of what is written above. And, because we're a little farther down the family road than some of you, I'll add:

 

Our children never stop being our children, no matter their ages. And we never stop being their parents. Everything we do, or don't do, has an impact on our children. This continues until the day we die.

 

A strong marriage is a solid foundation for a family, but it is not a panacea. Children need time one-on-one with their individual parents just as much as they need together time with the family as a whole. And there are times when our needs as a couple take a backseat to the needs of our children, and vice versa. It's a balancing act, and it ebbs and flows with the needs of our children as they grow and mature, as well as our own changing needs.

 

Are we going to get the balance right all the time? No matter how hard we try, no. But, that's okay. Children do not expect perfection and are quite forgiving. However, they do expect real effort and know when we are just phoning it in. Our children, like our spouses, often know us better than we know ourselves.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

It's still too soon, give him more time.

[distraughtparents 7]

Anybody else estranged from their kids

[NWAtlSwing 522]

No, and our kids know at age 19 and 17

[SAMnTINA 362]

Our kids have know since they were in HS, they are now adults with kids of their own. Our rules were simple, lots of love and consistency, never told our teenagers not to have sex, what we did say is don't do anything you are not ready for and remember sex and love are not one and the same. We also told them they needed to remember order was important, graduate from HS, graduate from college, fall in love get married then have children. Our daughter was always interested in knowing more, our son's were more don't ask because they will tell and ick parents and sex.  We always know when they were serious about someone they were dating as that is when they told them about their crazy parents. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

Just going to put it out there that the original source thread on Reddit was deleted by moderators. Apparently this story has been posted several times over a long period and users were fed up.

 

Not saying this person is a troll, maybe they're genuinely seeking help in some way, but there's likely a bit more we aren't being told.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

I tend to agree with EastInWest. The timing of events...a brand new person to the forum says we need to talk about this, points to the reddit thread, and then it so happens one of the parents signs up here and wants to talk about it. I'm generally one to assume good faith, but this strikes me as pushing it a bit, with the central blame attempt being on swinging.

 

As we've noted in this thread and others, this stuff isn't about swinging. It's about parents neglecting their children. You could insert anything you want for swinging and get the same result; drinking, obsession with movies, over zealous dedication to religious activities, travel, whatever activity; the result is the same. Swinging isn't the problem. It's neglect that is the problem.

 

If the thread here that we are posting to isn't legit, then I think we'd all appreciate it if the poster would please just move along to something else. It's not needed, wanted, or useful here.

 

If the thread here that we are posting to is legit, then I feel for the parents. It's a bad situation. It's fixable, but not without a lot of time and love...something that hasn't been fully dedicated before. It might be too late, but I don't believe that.

[EastInWest 1,524]

14 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

I tend to agree with EastInWest. The timing of events...a brand new person to the forum says we need to talk about this, points to the reddit thread, and then it so happens one of the parents signs up here and wants to talk about it. I'm generally one to assume good faith, but this strikes me as pushing it a bit, with the central blame attempt being on swinging.

I was a little suspicious when both users accidentally double-posted, and then the mention of a Reddit referral that I couldn't find in the thread.

 

Sure, maybe it was a private message, but with the descriptive usernames, my overall impression was that they are the same person.

 

I could be way off, but I think this person has some real trauma that they're trying to reenact to get validation. Maybe they need affirmation that the parents are bad, or affirmation that the child is not bad, or who knows. If they've been at this for a long time, role-playing the situation with different people over and over hoping to get the answer they want to hear, I'm going to double-down on what I said before: it's very likely a good stopping place to talk to a professional about whatever they went through.

[justsomeguy 0]

I agree with all posters here however I do have a horror story to tell that involved a kink I was involved in many years ago.

I was the bull in a cuckolding relationship and one couple I was with had a 16 year old son that was supposed to be on a trip but came home unexpectantly.

And yeah he walked right into it and saw something he really should have not have seen, I cannot imagine what it must have been like from his perspective.

It became a mess CPS (child protection services) got involved and the kid ended up living with his grandparents until he turned 18 and then joined the army.

He barely speaks to his parents and as a father myself now that is the one thing I to this day regret most of all.

I never particepated in that particular kink again even though my wife and I are swingers, but we never had parties at home and kept that life seperate from our kids.

I still think about the kid from time to time he must be around 30 now since this was 15 years ago, I spoke to the husband a few times on the phone wondering if things had worked out but like I said he joined the army at 18 and cut them both off.


 

[oldswinger64 111]

Parenting is a complex endeavor that is impossible to do 100% correctly.  Parents are human, and we make mistakes.  There are also many variables that parents cannot control.  

 

Each child is different and has different needs.  Spending X hours of one on one time with child 1 is too much for them, and for child 2 is not enough.  

 

Do you buy them $200.00 Nikes so they fit into their peer group, or do you teach them responsible consumerism and buy their shoes on sale at Kohl's?

 

Do you give them an allowance to teach them good budgeting skills, or do you give them money when there is something they really want?

 

Is feeding and walking the dog to much responsibility for them, or not enough?

 

Do you force them to eat their vegetables, clean their room, and go to church every week, or do you allow them to express their independence by choosing for themselves?

 

We raised our children in a loving home, and they knew they were important to us.  They also knew we had other friends and interests.  And when they complained or felt we were unfair, they were told that we were doing our best, we loved them, but when they were delivered the owner's manual was lost.

 

Swinging has nothing to do with parenting, but it is outside of societies expectations.  And there are many life choices that are outside of those expectations.  I know of people who were raised with pot smoking parents, raised off the grid, homeschooled in a strict religious household and raised in a 3 generation household.  Some handled it just fine, and some didn't.

 

As I read the articles above (one of which is gone), I see those who did not handle it well.  I am sure you can find similar articles of kids who were messed up when they walked in on Mom giving dad a blow job, or Mom masturbating with a large dildo, or even discovering dad's private journal, which has nothing sexual, but has private thoughts that are outside of the norm.  In all cases, as parents, we must be loving, but also be open and loving.  And we just have to do our best.

[couplers 4,616]

On 4/22/2022 at 5:16 PM, NWAtlSwing said:

No, and our kids know at age 19 and 17

 

On 4/23/2022 at 2:57 PM, SAMnTINA said:

Our kids have know since they were in HS,..

Our children although much younger, live in our poly family and are aware of the situation.  We are extremely careful, more than vanilla parents, not to expose them to the sexual aspects of the adults' relationships, but they do know that they have more than two parents who care for them all.  I was concerned that eventually they would want to know who their biological parents are and the complications that could follow from that.  They guessed who their bio parents are, we confirmed it, and there were no complications around it.  The sibling rivalry is there, but nothing about bio parentage.  (Our oldest was amused when I told her you know who your father is, but not your mother.)

 

I expect that the teenage years will be hard to navigate, but up to this point we have not heard once, "You're not my daddy/mommy!"  We each strive to outdo the other in good parenting of all the children, and I hope that each child having the additional resources of a second father and two other mothers will be good for them as teenagers.  We adults are really quite different in talents and approaches to life, so our children feel that they can go to the parent they feel is most supportive of them when faced with a situation.

 

The big unknown is how their attitude toward sex will develop.  They will definitely figure out that except for the two men, we are all intimate.  Hopefully, like any other family, the kids will see that the totality of our relationships are respectful and loving.  We do not an will not do anything to reveal to the kids that we occasionally had/have other sex partners outside the family, although as another poster stated, it is good for young adults to learn that sex and love are not necessarily tied together, and that they need to be in control of that aspect of their lives.

Edited May 27, 2022 by couplers

[distraughtparents 7]

He made a facebook announcement of moving to the other side of the country. We just found out from our friend when asked  he do we feel about it (he assumed we already new)

[Swingermarriage 3]

On 4/19/2022 at 8:16 PM, Psychswinger said:

I've seen this happening alot where I swing. I see the same exact parents swinging literally every weekend when they got kids at home. 

 

I'm also a second generation swinger as is my husband. However my Husband's parents took it too far.

We are open swingers too..

[couplers 4,616]

1) Don't  neglect the children!  We are a poly family of three women and two men with multiple children, all our own.  We all are good parents individually, and together our parenting is better than most two parent families - Clair quit working to be a full-time, stay-at-home mother to our children.  None of us spend excessive time or money at hobbies unless it is with the kids biking, skiing, hiking.  And none of us goes to bars, clubs, etc. at all.

 

2)  Don't expose the children to sex, including your sex life.  This applies to all parents, even vanilla ones.  You can't do those fun things once you have children, like screwing on the living room floor, even if you think they're not around.  And when you do have sex in private make sure that the door is locked.  It's easier for us because if two or three of us want to get it on, there's another three or two of us to mind the kids.

 

 

Edited July 15, 2022 by couplers

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

3 hours ago, couplers said:

1) Don't  neglect the children!  

 

2)  Don't expose the children to sex, including your sex life.  

 

 

We'll agree with both of these statements, with a small asterisk. 

 

1. Parenting is the hardest and most important responsibility for which there is no consistent guidance.  Every parent should strive to do the best they can, and every parent wonders what could have been done better. The shape of a family (single parent, traditional nuclear, poly,...) will shape how great parenting is done; it must never alter the reality that great parenting is done, whether alone, with a partner, with other relatives, ... 

 

2. Parents' sex life should be private. Kids need to know and understand that parents need "private time", and that everyone's private time has to be respected. That said, kids will be exposed to sex information from non-parental sources--friends, the internet, whatever. We will fully agree that parents should not be exposing kids directly to sex, our asterisk being that part of parenting is managing kids' exposure to--and responses to--sex information. 

 

We'll close by remarking that we grew up when TV shows such as "Father Knows Best", the "Donna Reed Show", and "Leave it to Beaver" were in syndication if not first run. These "family" shows depicted imaginary (and aspirational) relationships. In these universes, "non-binary" was inconceivable, marriages were perfect, etc. The world is a more complex place, and contemporary kids know this from all sorts of messaging. None of that new messaging makes parenting easier. 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2022 by Fundamental Law
grammar and syntax

[couplers 4,616]

9 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

great parenting is done, whether alone, with a partner, with other relatives, ... 

There are many parents who are doing a great job of parenting under circumstances much, much more difficult than ours, single parents, parents without the luck and resources that we have, children with challenges of all types.  Sometimes I wonder if my perception of the advantages of parenting in a poly family are actually only our luck.

 

9 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

parents should not be exposing kids directly to sex, our asterisk being that part of parenting is managing kids' exposure to--and responses to--sex information. 

Agreed, and well said.