Wife's new friendship

[Swing4fun7883 3]

My wife and I have been swinging for 5 years now. About 6 months ago we both started talking to a possible male for an MFM. He's married but plays alone. We ended up having 2 MFMs with him, and he's a great guy. Him and my wife chat via text everyday. She calls him her best LS friend. Well a couple weeks ago he told her he had developed "feelings" for her. She said she had for him too. Poly is something we always said we didn't want, and he says he has no interest moving further than our 3somes we currently have. The issue is, anytime I see him interact with her in a group post, or certain messages he sends her, all have more meaning to me now. I mentioned it to my wife, who originally felt horrible for making me feel horrible, but then she kinda got angry thinking I don't trust her. She assures me I'm her everything, and I have no reason to doubt that, but since this guy experessed his feelings, it just gets me on edge. He and his wife DO have a poly allowance in their marriage, so this isn't a big thing for him. 

 

Am I making too big of a deal of this? 

Am I not trusting my wife? 

 

Just need some insight from the swinging community

 

Thanks

[Hiimnew 10]

Are you poly?

[Swing4fun7883 3]

We are not

[discreetplay 235]

If you want to stay married, end all contact with him. 

 

2 hours ago, Swing4fun7883 said:

He's married but plays alone

After I read that sentence I didn't have to read the rest. That is a recipe for disaster if you want to remain a married couple. This guy is done with his wife and was looking for something else. He found it...your wife.

 

2 hours ago, Swing4fun7883 said:

I mentioned it to my wife, who originally felt horrible for making me feel horrible, but then she kinda got angry thinking I don't trust her.

The angry 'you don't trust me' response is the EXACT response of a wife who is cheating. I've seen it.

 

I'd step back from swinging and settle back into your marriage (if you want it to continue). If you want to be like this guy and his wife (i.e. have a poly relationship), continue doing what you're doing. 

[Hiimnew 10]

2 hours ago, Swing4fun7883 said:

We are not

Buddy that's a huge issue then. You need to be firm on boundaries. Ask her to take a break and work on the relationship home

[njbm 2,868]

We are not poly. Step 1: all texting from the other male goes to me, the husband. 

Step 2: if another male thinks my wife is his “girlfriend,” either my wife tells him she is uncomfortable with his romantic overtures or we shut the relationship down. 

 

We are in this for sexual spice and to meet open minded friends. If there is romantic interests on the part of other people, we are out of there. All respect to polyamorous people, but that is too complicated for us. 

[Swing4fun7883 3]

Thank you all for your insight. I appreciate it. We will have to have a good long talk about this and get it figured out. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We have only a few rules but some of them that pertain to this case are:

 

We play as a team. If one of us says no to anything, we both are saying no, no questions asked.

Women can talk/text women, men can talk/text men, all other contact is as a group where everyone is included.

Our partner (husband/wife) comes first in all cases (or in this case, you need to be put ahead of him).

 

Since she has also stated that she has feelings, you both need to cease all contact with him and she should be okay with you checking that this is happening. Trust but verify since any other way it will be too late when you find anything out. Also, we agree that you both should stop swinging while you work on getting this sorted out. It might just be NRE, but there's no reason to take a chance here. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

 

[MrMrsswinger 202]

8 hours ago, njbm said:

We are in this for sexual spice and to meet open minded friends.

Exactly. The whole reason we're in this is to expand the sexual pleasure. I'm incapable to sucking my husband while he is in me. So we need another cock. I'm incapable of sensually licking a woman while my husband enters me from behind when it is just the two of us. This whole adventure is to expand the pleasure in our sexual life. Together we're wonderful. Bringing in someone (people) is solely to do that. 

 

8 hours ago, njbm said:

If there is romantic interests on the part of other people, we are out of there

When anything other than straight sexual pleasure starts....we're done. We are extremely selective in terms of repeats, to avoid this. We've seen friends who have repetitive encounters with the same couples end up in situations where feelings start up. That is just a recipe for disaster. No different than someone having a "work husband/work wife". Just the start of decline in the marriage.

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

On rare occasion, I disagree with the mainstream thought on a thread. I'm partially doing so here, but still agreeing overall.

 

Some couples are ok with feelings developing. It's not an immediate death knell for the swinging relationship. Yes, there is a difference between swinging and being poly. That said, I've long said that once you've found a great partner, why not keep them around for a while? It can be hard to find great partners. However, the more times you have sex with someone the more likely it is that you are going to develop feelings for them. My wife had two long term boyfriends with whom we had many MFMs and she had many more solo dates. She developed feelings for both of them, and they for her. It did not negatively affect our marriage in any respect. Everyone's mileage varies.

 

To your particular situation; you've stated clearly that you are not poly. Yet, your wife is developing emotions for this guy and in essence saying you are the one who is having a problem with this, and things would be great if you just calmed down and trusted her. This isn't about trust. Your wife is going against your wishes. That should send up major, major red flags and everything with this other guy should stop....in the very least until the two of you get on the same page on this. Right now you're not, nor are you close. This is a serious issue, and can't be flippantly dismissed by either of you. Don't suck it up and take one for the home team. You don't have to accept this. There's trouble written ALLLLL over this. Also, he plays solo and says he and his wife are poly? Have you actually met his wife? Has she confirmed everything he has said? I wouldn't at all be surprised if this guy is cheating. Even if you were ok with your wife having feelings for this guy, and he for your wife, you should absolutely insist on meeting the wife and clearing everything with her.

[oldswinger64 111]

This is exactly what happened that led to my divorce.

[enhancer 1,584]

You may not be poly, but it sounds like your wife is!  She texts with him daily and they have feelings for each other.  Sounds like a little more then just a swinging buddy.  This would never get to the point it is for us and if it did it would end immediately.  Either you can be fine with your wife having a poly relationship or you can tell her it is done.  Don’t think there is any other solution with this one.  If you both don’t want it then it should not be happening.

[travelingprofessional 47]

Whoa, I agree with many of the above responses. You two are on a slippery slope that is getting steeper by the day.

[MS1999 38]

As others have indicated, this seems to have loads of red flags. 

 

Her getting angry and aggressive tone and suggesting you don't trust her. She sincerely feel that way - that you need to trust her that she can handle the feeling in that second relationship she has. But this is not about trust - she may not be able to control it. When she feels that new relationship energy with someone else, and when she is only with him, and chatting with him, about the good stuff as opposed to the day to day like you both have - it's hard not to develop inappropriate feeling for someone else.  

 

I think you are wise to discourage this.

[TnA83 306]

On 4/27/2022 at 6:27 AM, Swing4fun7883 said:

Thank you all for your insight. I appreciate it. We will have to have a good long talk about this and get it figured out. 

So this was six weeks ago.  How is it going now?