Curious

[wolfpride 3]

My wife and I have been curious about the lifestyle for a while. We talk about it in bed and even act out being with other people. We have talked about a threesome and the talk has come up of who to join us. We don't want to start with perfect strangers so we talked about her ex husband joining.  Seems like a good idea because I'm doing this for her pleasure and they would still maybe know what each other likes. Good idea?

[SAMnTINA 362]

If your curious, then the next step is to give it a try. Just be sure to agree what you will and won't do and that if things don't click for either of you it's alwayus ok to make your excuses and go home. Some like us take to it like a duck to water and other don't.

 

Good luck.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Welcome wolfpride! You will find this forum a very welcoming place. We will answer any questions you might have, and help you along on your journey. That also includes telling you straight up if a mistake is being made, as best we can tell. We want you to do well.

 

With that said, we can't know your full situation. But, in the vast majority of cases involving a former boyfriend/husband is often a recipe for disaster. It's possible the ex-husband may think this is a way to get back with your wife. He also may not respect boundaries you establish. It's also possible that regardless of his assurances and his own good intentions, he might very well fall in love with her all over again and want very much to pull her back to him. There's also significant history between them obviously, and there's reasons they broke it off. Those reasons could rear their ugly heads again, and at the worst moment. There are many more potentially bad outcomes here. But, again, we can't know your situation anywhere near enough to fully understand. It's your judgment call. Just be aware this usually doesn't turn out well.

 

It is a common refrain that couples wanting to get into the lifestyle would rather dip their toes in the pool (or take their first plunge) with people they know. A common saying around here is "Make friends of swingers, not swingers of friends". So, if you choose not to go with the ex-husband, I'd recommend not going with a friend either.

 

Also consider; how do you break things off with the ex-husband if it's not working out? That stands the potential to get messy. Same goes for a friend.

 

Let me make a plug for single males in the lifestyle as an alternative...

 

One of the great pleasures of the lifestyle is getting to have sex with new people. Having sex with an ex-husband won't be anywhere near as erotic or, I think, fulfilling. Your wife will know what to expect, how he will be. A new guy brings with him the newness that can make it so exciting. Everything will be a first time with him.

 

Singles guys in the lifestyle on a swingers site know the deal. Non-swinging males don't. Swinger males know they are a temporary addition to the bedroom. They won't disrespect you, the husband, and think you're an idiot for letting your incredible wife have sex with other men. There are stories we hear occasionally of people trying to pick up vanilla guys and running into trouble. Don't get me wrong; that can work to be sure. But, single guys who self-select into the lifestyle know their place.

 

Single guys in the lifestyle, unlike friends or past boyfriends/husbands, don't risk your personal choices being known to the rest of your family/social circle.

 

Approaching an ex-husband or friend with this idea can turn whatever relationship you have with that person absolutely sour. Are you ready to risk that? A single guy in the lifestyle doesn't bring such potentially bad consequences.

 

Single guys in the lifestyle can bring new techniques and ways to please your wife that her ex-husband never did. There's nothing new the ex-husband can bring to the table. A new single guy could make your wife's toes curl...literally. I've seen his happen with my wife.

 

If things aren't good with a single guy in the lifestyle, you just move onto the next. You thank them for their time and evening, and you move on. No mess.

 

We often say here that the supply of single guys in the lifestyle far outstrips demand. This is true. But, some significant filtering is required. If you set up a profile on a swingers site (like, swinglifestyle.com for example) and indicate you are looking for single males, you will get a lot of contacts. There's a way to pre-filter them. Put something in your profile, fairly buried in it, that asks would-be contacts to let you know they read your profile fully. For example, "If you've read this far, tell us in your email to us if you like dogs or not". Something innocuous. If in their reply to you, they don't say anything about dogs, you know they didn't read your profile. Next. There's other ways too; if their profile pics are all dick pics, probably not the right guy. If their profile is two or three short sentences long, probably not the right guy. If their profile gives any indication they might be cheating (only available certain times, days, etc), probably not the right guy. Etc. Do that, and you stand a good chance of filtering out the bad ones, leaving a pretty good set of potentially great guys.

 

My wife and I have engaged in many MFMs in the 14 years (!) we've now been in the lifestyle. They are truly a pleasure and delight. We've run into some flakes and duds, but there was never really a bad experience, once we got to the bedroom. Some experiences were better than others (that's true in vanilla dating too), but nothing was ever really bad.

 

You can take the time to get to know a single guy. You don't have to go from "Let's meet" to "Let's screw" in 30 minutes. Go out for casual drinks or dinner. Let them know beforehand that you don't play on the first meet-and-greet. If the single male in question isn't comfortable with that, that's fine; they just saved you time by de-selecting themselves.

 

It might seem a bit frightening/daunting to go with a single guy that you don't know. But, I can assure you it is a great experience, if you take some/all of the advice above.

 

 

[njbm 2,870]

Play with people you meet at a swingers’ club or meet and greet. Don’t play with friends or  exes. Too much history, resentments, etc.  Part of the fun of swinging is having sex with a novel partner. 

[wolfpride 3]

We live in a very small town so we want to keep discreet around here. We are about 3-4 hrs from Dallas Ft Worth or any big cities for parties or meet/greets. The Ex lives 3 hrs away and we have stayed civil with him in the 10yrs of being divorced from my wife because of the kids. We just thought it would be an easy  ice breaker but reading the replies sound like we need to put more time and thought into it.

[NC_Seniors 518]

58 minutes ago, wolfpride said:

The Ex lives 3 hrs away and we have stayed civil with him in the 10yrs of being divorced from my wife because of the kids. We just thought it would be an easy  ice breaker but reading the replies sound like we need to put more time and thought into it.

You *definitely* need to put more time and thought into it. No matter how civil things have been for the past ten years, what if the whole situation goes “south” on you and he decides to out you to the kids? 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Hooboy. Ok, throwing kids into the mix...that complicates things.

 

Upfront disclosure; I have an ex with whom I had a daughter. I could write for hours and barely scratch the surface on how toxic the relationship was with my daughter's mother, and how it remained so for the entirety of my daughter's childhood. I won't bore you with the details. But, know that it biases me.

 

There is no way...NO WAY...that I would ever have sex with her again. Even if she was an absolute angel with a body to match, and I never had any reason to suspect the slightest problems would arise..Even if she herself said she was a swinger, and had been for many years...Even if she had qualified for a top secret security clearance with the military....there is absolutely NO way I would ever let her in on my secret. The main, over powering reason is; you could make your kids an unwitting victim in all of this. It's not fair to them in any respect.

 

That you (the two of you) have been able to maintain a cordial relationship with him for 10 years is an achievement in and of itself. There are many people who wish that would be the case with their exes. Why screw it up?

 

My wife and I did talk about your potential scenario (before we knew about the kids being involved). My wife had a more supportive attitude towards it, and said that it could work out well and didn't immediately see a problem. I'll talk with her again, noting the kids, and see what she says. I'll report back.

 

Meanwhile...ok you're in a small town and are worried about disclosure. I get that. Consider though; anyone on a swinger site who is from your general area is facing the same general need for discretion that you are facing. I mean, what can they do? Tell people around town "Hey, I'm signed up for this swinger site and guess who I found there? Bill and Jane! Can you believe it?" Nobody would do that. They'd be blowing themselves in. Nevertheless, I understand the need for discretion. 3-4 hours isn't THAT far to Dallas. Also consider that  single men in the lifestyle that might be play partners could be willing to travel 1.5-2 hours to meet you someplace in the middle.

[njbm 2,870]

We have friends in rural TX. They drive to events in Dallas and make a weekend out of it. We met them on a Bliss cruise. Many of the cruisers come from rural areas that do not have many swingers. 

[wolfpride 3]

I never thought about him getting sideways and maybe saying something to the kids. They are both grown and moved out but I would be devastated if they found out. This is seeming more and more like a ticking bomb the more we discuss. Thank you all for the information and upfront answers.

[TnA83 309]

14 hours ago, njbm said:

Play with people you meet at a swingers’ club or meet and greet. Don’t play with friends or  exes. Too much history, resentments, etc.  Part of the fun of swinging is having sex with a novel partner. 

Thanks for not saying, "stranger!"

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

20 hours ago, wolfpride said:

I never thought about him getting sideways and maybe saying something to the kids. They are both grown and moved out but I would be devastated if they found out. This is seeming more and more like a ticking bomb the more we discuss. Thank you all for the information and upfront answers.

It's interesting. I discussed this with my wife again, noting the existence of the kids in the mix. Her opinion hasn't changed. She doesn't think there's a particular problem in doing this. She and I disagree. One of the many reasons I love her She has her own mind. 

 

I'm glad we've all here given you something to think about. I love this forum in part because it is a very helpful bunch of people who will tell you what we think, even if it's not what you think you need/want to hear.

 

So I did a search using swinglifestyle.com. I've no idea any particulars of you and your wife, except that the kids are old enough to be on their own and your 3-4 hours away from Dallas. So, I did a search based on Rotan, TX (79546 zip code), within 100 miles, single men age 40-50 interested in full swap, and are full paid members. The search result returned 30 potential single men. I think out of such a set you should be able to find 4-5 men who are truly good, and good matches for your wife (and you).  Wherever you are, I think you can find single males who will fit the bill, and will be patient with your wife getting to know him before hopping in bed.

Edited May 11, 2022 by bbarnsworth

[wolfpride 3]

So after thinking about it and discussing with this group I think we are going to go for it! He is a good guy and she says it was always decent in bed. We always cut up with each other and being divorced for over 10 years. I think we could make an evening of drinks and small talk without bit being awkward. I've had a 3rd party before my wife so I'm trying to get her to experience it and see what fun we could have in the lifestyle. Wish us luck!

On 5/10/2022 at 7:32 PM, bbarnsworth said:

It's interesting. I discussed this with my wife again, noting the existence of the kids in the mix. Her opinion hasn't changed. She doesn't think there's a particular problem in doing this. She and I disagree. One of the many reasons I love her She has her own mind. 

 

I'm glad we've all here given you something to think about. I love this forum in part because it is a very helpful bunch of people who will tell you what we think, even if it's not what you think you need/want to hear.

 

So I did a search using swinglifestyle.com. I've no idea any particulars of you and your wife, except that the kids are old enough to be on their own and your 3-4 hours away from Dallas. So, I did a search based on Rotan, TX (79546 zip code), within 100 miles, single men age 40-50 interested in full swap, and are full paid members. The search result returned 30 potential single men. I think out of such a set you should be able to find 4-5 men who are truly good, and good matches for your wife (and you).  Wherever you are, I think you can find single males who will fit the bill, and will be patient with your wife getting to know him before hopping in bed.

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

56 minutes ago, wolfpride said:

So after thinking about it and discussing with this group I think we are going to go for it! He is a good guy and she says it was always decent in bed. We always cut up with each other and being divorced for over 10 years. I think we could make an evening of drinks and small talk without bit being awkward. I've had a 3rd party before my wife so I'm trying to get her to experience it and see what fun we could have in the lifestyle. Wish us luck!

 

Let us know how it goes I'm quite eager to hear! I'm sure we all are (not in a prurient sense)

Edited May 13, 2022 by bbarnsworth

[couplers 4,638]

Exes are exes for a reason, so I would think that the danger of complications would be low.