He didn't use a condom. What would you have done?

[catherine1962 16]

I'm angry with myself for what happened in my last swing. My husband and I were at another couples home for a night of sex. We have been with this couple about 4 other times so I thought I knew what to expect. We always use condoms even though I'm on the pill. Well during foreplay I was feeling very good and was loosing myself in it and my parnter was parting my legs to enter me after he did oral sex. I was completly relaxed and almost out of my head after the pleasure I just experienced so I didn't really notice that he wasn't wearing a condom. My husband didn't catch it either and he entered me and after a few thrusts I began to realize that he didn't have a condom on. I put my hand between my legs to verify this and I couldn't feel the rubber so I began to move my body so I could expell him out but to my regret I didn't tell him to verbally stop. I'm starting to sit up (we are in the missionary position) when he has his orgasm and releases sperm into me. I am horrified and immediately get up and start yelling at him and my husband stops what he is doing and is upset by what had happened. We haven't seen this couple again but I am angry with myself for not stopping him sooning or saying anything because I was caught up in my pleasure. A warning to everyone to be careful. Thankfully nothing bad happened as I was on the pill.......

What would other people do in this situation? I would like your comments.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

I'm angry with myself for what happened in my last swing. My husband and I were at another couples home for a night of sex. We have been with this couple about 4 other times so I thought I knew what to expect. We always use condoms even though I'm on the pill.

Based upon this information, catherine, the last person I would be angry with would be myself. It could be assumed you knew this man rather well and since you had always used condoms before, this was apparently discussed and respected in previous meetings. He knew your boundaries and deliberately went beyond. You say you were caught up in the pleasure - as you should be. If you aren't caught up in the pleasure, what's the point? And you said you didn't say anything verbally...well, I can understand that, too. I think I would have been about the same and especially if it was with someone that knew me and my boundaries....almost as if you don't know exactly what to say or do as it is happening. Now perhaps you could have handled it a bit more gracefully than "yelling" but who knows...that is understandable, too.

 

Bottom line...in my opinion, you need to direct your anger towards this man and not yourself. Some might say you have responsibility, and I suppose you do, but given the circumstances of 4 previous meetings, I think the burden rested with him. Just my thoughts....- EBF

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

The guy new your rule: Always use condoms.

 

He chose to break it. Your reaction was justified.

 

I'd have been PO'd too. I'd have given him a piece of my mind...and no piece of my ass no more.

[Alura 2,774]

I agree with EBF to a point, Catherine, but would point out that if you were "caught up in the pleasure of the moment" perhaps so was he. That's probably no excuse but, as your post suggests to me, it could be an explanation.

 

You say that nothing bad happened because you're on the pill, so I assume you have no STD fears with this man. Do you use condoms only because you want only your husband's semen inside you? That's a valid reason.

 

I'd say there is no reason to be angry with yourself or with him. Instead, I'd suggest taking advantage of the experience as a learning opportunity. First, talk to your husband and decide how important the issue is to the two of you. Next talk to the other couple and explain how important it is. Perhaps they'll embrace the incident as a learning experience and y'all can be even better friends.

[fredandwilma200 16]

catherine1962 said:

Thankfully nothing bad happened as I was on the pill........

 

Yes, I agree that pregnancy is something that you should in fact worry about however, I think that over pregnancy I would worry about my now HIV status! This guy crossed your boundaries that you had set up with this couple! If he lied about this what else has he lied about? I would NOT be happy if this was my body or my husband! What did they say or do? In my case, they would have been well aware that I was mad! Don't worry about the way you acted, I would have done a lot more then that. .I think I would have looked to see if there was a lamp close by..but Ill let you use your imagination on what I would have done with that!

 

[SexhoundDog 18]

Although I usually think EBF shows great wisdom, I can't agree with her at all on this one. I'll probably get flamed, and that's OK, but the blame rests equally with both of you. You both got caught up in the moment of pleasure, and while I'd certainly guess he knew he didn't have a condom on, you knew it too and didn't IMMEDIATELY do something to stop it.

 

I agree 110% with Mr. Alura on his answer. His last paragraph says it all. If for some reason they take exception to the condom rule after you've had a direct discussion about it, no more swingee with them, but I'd bet they'll respect it.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

SexhoundDog said:

Although I usually think EBF shows great wisdom, I can't agree with her at all on this one. I'll probably get flamed, and that's OK, but the blame rests equally with both of you.

 

Well, SexhoundDog, thank you for the compliment, but...you don't even know what flaming is until you've had the hot flashes I've started having!!!

 

Anyway...I just can't buy into what you and Mr. Alura are saying (and I usually agree with him - ). From her description, she did try to do something immediately.

 

Quote

so I began to move my body so I could expel him out

 

I don't know about men, but I think most women have been caught up in that situation of not immediately knowing what to say or do. It's almost as if there is a disconnect somewhere in the brain...as in...I'm seeing or hearing this, but am I computing it correctly?

 

I still contend he knew he didn't have a condom on when he entered her. Again, don't know about this from the male standpoint, but...it seems to me that the recipient of oral sex is far more likely to get caught up in the pleasure than the provider and for that reason, I would suspect that she was off in another world far more so than he. Whatever her reasons for wanting him to wear a condom - pregnancy, STD's, only her husband's ejaculate - doesn't matter. It should have been respected. And as for talking with them. Not me simply because I would never feel that I could "get lost in the pleasure" again. Trust. Trust is paramount.

 

OK...you want to talk about flaming. Let me tell you about it - from my perspective. You ain't never seen flaming like I can describe 'bout now!

[catherine1962 16]

Catherine here again.....The question has been asked of why we use condoms.....Simple....My husband is the only man I will allow to put semen inside me.....no one else. It was our argeement.....He uses condoms also for that reason. It allows us one bit of intimacy that no one else is allowed to partake......

And this guy knew he was not wearing a condom.....He started out with one but slid if off before entering me............I am very angry at some of the responses from males.........During sex I am opening myself up to another man and letting him go inside me......something I don't take lightly.....He knew the rules....CONDOMS ALWAYS.........I trusted him and he betrayed me.........

[SexhoundDog 18]

And this guy knew he was not wearing a condom.....He started out with one but slid if off before entering me............I am very angry at some of the responses from males..................I trusted him and he betrayed me.........

 

OK, as Paul Harvey says "now you know the rest of the story", and I stand corrected. If he slid it off knowingly, he definitely betrayed you, Catherine, and showed no respect. I'm curious though, I think Mr. Alura and I are the only males posting so far, and I didn't find either of our comments offensive.

 

And EBF, wouldn't it be nice if you could channel the heat from those flashes into something fun. I'll put my karma thoughts into it for you!

[Alura 2,774]

Catherine here again.....The question has been asked of why we use condoms.....Simple....My husband is the only man I will allow to put semen inside me.....no one else. It was our argeement.....He uses condoms also for that reason. It allows us one bit of intimacy that no one else is allowed to partake.

 

This is definitely a valid reason; I don't think anyone would suggest otherwise. Thanks for sharing that with us.

[Alura 2,774]

catherine1962 said:

And this guy knew he was not wearing a condom.....He started out with one but slid if off before entering me............I am very angry at some of the responses from males.........During sex I am opening myself up to another man and letting him go inside me......something I don't take lightly.....He knew the rules....CONDOMS ALWAYS.........I trusted him and he betrayed me.........

 

Okay. Since he started out with one on, that puts a different light on the situation. I've never experienced a condom "sliding off." In fact, I've always found it very difficult to get one off unless I've lost my erection. Unless he lost his erection while eating you, something equally surprising to me (but that's me), he must have taken it off intentionally which, again, puts a different light on the situation.

 

Have you asked him how it happened that he entered you without a condom? I'd be interested in his take on it. If he, like you, was "caught up in the moment," I find it unlikely that the condom "slid off" unintentionally.

 

If he took it off intentionally and then entered you, that is definitely a betrayal, not to be taken lightly and probably reason enough to end the friendship. Only you can decide that.

 

Sorry my response angered you. My intention was only to give you my take on the incident. It still is.

[Alura 2,774]

Elusive BiFem said:

...it seems to me that the recipient of oral sex is far more likely to get caught up in the pleasure than the provider and for that reason, I would suspect that she was off in another world far more so than he.

 

I wasn't there, of course, EBF, and I can see your reasoning. But I have to say that there is nothing that can put me "off in another world" more completely than performing oral sex on an appreciative (and tasty) lady, and Catherine seems to fulfill both those requirements.

 

That's why I find it difficult to believe that he lost his erection while eating her and, therefore, difficult to believe the condom "slid off" accidentally. I think he took it off intentionally which is a definite , giving Catherine every right to be upset about the incident.

 

If he had started out without one, which was my original perception, well, I can understand how his mind, like Catherine's may have gone into overload, and he made a mistake. But now, with Catherine's explanation, I don't think that's the case.

 

Again, whether or not to end the friendship because of this incident is up to Catherine and her husband. Personally, after having played with a couple four times and enjoyed them as much as Catherine seems to have, I believe Mrs. Alura and I would try to repair the friendship, provided of course, that we could feel secure in the future that our limits would be adhered to with no "accidents." Such friends are hard to come by so if we could fix it, we would. But that's us. We would in no way suggest that that might be the best action for Catherine.

[Alura 2,774]

Okay, now I'm confused. Today, at 4:10PM, the following was Catherine's reply in the "Where do you want it"? thread:

 

I love a man to release his sperm inside me. There is something about a man being inside you and then releasing his "seed". I love the feel and warmth especially if he stays inside me afterwards for awhile...

 

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

Maybe she was just referring to her husband? but was making a general statement?

[Alura 2,774]

HotCoupleGnS said:

Maybe she was just referring to her husband? but was making a general statement?

 

I'm think that's probably the case, Hot Couple.

[DuncanDoughnut 16]

Of course it does say A man not my man. hmmmmmmm

 

Anyway- the betrayal seems VERY serious exspecially if done deliberately. I would be seriously concerned about STD's. I would also be direct with him and ask why

[Elusive BiFem 70]

And EBF, wouldn't it be nice if you could channel the heat from those flashes into something fun. I'll put my karma thoughts into it for you!

 

I would appreciate it SexhoundDog...and while you're at it, how about throwing your karma into thoughts of me having these flashes in the winter months. As cold natured as I am, I think I would actually enjoy them November through March. Moving on...

 

Catherine has supplied some additional information, however, my opinion remains unchanged even based upon the initial post. Mr. Alura, I'll never know how "off in another world" a man might get from performing oral on a female, but from what I've heard and read, most men really don't enjoy wearing a condom. Therefore, if they don't enjoy it, it just seems to me a man would be acutely aware that he was NOT wearing one. I don't know...I see it almost as if saying, "Well, I turned blue because I forgot to breath." Another thing...aren't we supposed to "lose ourselves" during the act? If we have to bring ourselves back to reality to check that the man is wearing the condom, especially after the rules have been established and we're into our 4th or 5th encounter, then much of the purpose has been defeated. For me, at least.

 

Another thing...you say you would try to repair the friendship in spite of the condom issue. Let me ask you this. Ya'll don't smoke. How would you feel if I came to your home, knowing full well you don't allow smoking in your home or around your children and we had had that discussion. Yet, you found out that I had been sneaking off into one of the other rooms and smoking up a storm. Would you trust me after that? Really? Wouldn't you feel that I had shown total disregard for your personal values in your own home? And personally, I don't think smoking even compares to catherine's issue. For me, it is unlikely I would ever trust this person again. Now obviously, we are only hearing her side of the story. There might be other facts he could add that would change my opinion, but based on what has been written, I stand firm.

 

As for catherine's other post in the other forum...now that is interesting and I hope she returns to tell us what that is all about. - EBF

[catherine1962 16]

Catherine here.... I was making the statement about loving semen inside me in regards to my husband and before marriage previous boyfriends. In swinger circles I don't want anyone elses semen inside me. I have been married 3 years and before that I of course had other boyfriends.........

[catherine1962 16]

Catherine here again......Reading all these replies I guess I better make some clarifications and give more information since I truly want everyones opinion with all the facts. First we have swung with this couples in the past with no incident and very good sex. This time however he started with a condom on and the last time I saw it was when he was about to give me oral sex. AFterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry. At this point my husband had to quit what he was doing (and he was enjoying himself) to intervene. I do have a temper I admit and was perhaps a bit out of control but it was so frustrating to have such a good sexual experience spoiled by someone not obeying the rules.

In regards to loving semen inside me, yes I love it. But only with my husband or previous boyfriends. If I am having sex because I love you then we dont use a condom. If it is a swinging situation there is no way you are entering me without a condom. Ok...I admit that I have had 12 previous sexual experiences with men that at the time I thought I loved or trusted and they were not swing experiences. I didn't start swinging until after my marriage and part of my pact with my husband was that we both use condoms with swing partners.

I hope that clears things up a bit.....

[Spoomonkey 421]

Catherine

 

I would have handled this slightly different...

 

You said that you haven't seen them since...

 

If that had happened to Mrs Spoomonkey, we'd be saying NO ONE has seen them since. See the difference. Ever so slight, but a fine point, nonetheless...

 

I don't think you have anything to be angry at yourself for. He crossed a line that he knew was there... You have every right to be pissed.

[AustinandStacy 15]

If that had happened to Mrs Spoomonkey, we'd be saying NO ONE has seen them since. See the difference. Ever so slight, but a fine point, nonetheless...

That was my initial reaction, too, after reading her addendum that a) he knew, and b) he removed it in the middle. I played rugby in college, so I thought maybe I was being a little harsh, but I'm glad to see justice is handled similarly in the animal kingdom.

 

The missus hasn't read this yet, but I'm sure she would have severed all ties too. Condoms only is a big rule of hers, for both STD and personal reasons, and few things make her more livid than people who disrespect rules just because they feel like it. There are other people in the equation to consider. If you want to run the show, make your own rules, and issue the orders, then go buy a hooker.

[DuncanDoughnut 16]

No matter how many times you clarify the story, the advice doesn't change. He broke the rules. It's over. End of story.

[Alura 2,774]

Posted by ElusiveBiFem:

Another thing...you say you would try to repair the friendship in spite of the condom issue. Let me ask you this. Ya'll don't smoke. How would you feel if I came to your home, knowing full well you don't allow smoking in your home or around your children and we had had that discussion. Yet, you found out that I had been sneaking off into one of the other rooms and smoking up a storm. Would you trust me after that? Really? Wouldn't you feel that I had shown total disregard for your personal values in your own home?

 

Actually, dear EBF, we've never established a "No Smoking" rule in our home. We've never had to say, "If you want to smoke, please go outside." Smokers who visit our home have always chosen to go outside. Of course, the only ash tray in the house is located either on the table on the veranda or on one of the patio tables. Smokers move it around, but seldom empty it.

 

If you smoked inside our house, we might well ask you to go outside but we most certainly would not end our valued friendship with you because of it.

 

As I see it, this relates in no way to Catherine's experience. I don't know if a "Heart-to-Heart" talk with the offending male could reestablish trust or not. There is no way trust could be reestablished without such a talk. We'd have that talk. That does not mean Catherine should.

 

As I said, I doubt very much that the condom was lost accidentally, which means that the removal was, indeed, a betrayal. (I'd definitely want to know why he chose to do such a thing!) Does that mean an automatic termination of the friendship? To some, yes; to us, no. We don't even suggest our way is the best, only "our way."

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

AFterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry.

 

Thats the part that got me. He looked sheepish. Well that to me says that he must have done it on purpose. To me when someone looks sheepish, they have done something on purpose & thought/hoped they wouldn't get caught.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Alura said:

Actually, dear EBF, we've never established a "No Smoking" rule in our home. We've never had to say, "If you want to smoke, please go outside." Smokers who visit our home have always chosen to go outside. Of course, the only ash tray in the house is located either on the table on the veranda or on one of the patio tables. Smokers move it around, but seldom empty it.

 

If you smoked inside our house, we might well ask you to go outside but we most certainly would not end our valued friendship with you because of it.

 

As I see it, this relates in no way to Catherine's experience. I don't know if a "Heart-to-Heart" talk with the offending male could reestablish trust or not. There is no way trust could be reestablished without such a talk. We'd have that talk. That does not mean Catherine should.

 

Well, you know what I was trying to convey, I think. The trust thing...confidence in others to adhere to the guidelines agreed upon. No, smoking is quite different, and certainly, a person not wearing a condom after that has been agreed to is of far more significance, but trust and confidence in others to meet their part of the bargain is of utmost importance to me. And even worse now, catherine has informed us that he deliberately removed the condom...

 

 

Quote

This time however he started with a condom on and the last time I saw it was when he was about to give me oral sex. Afterwards I was feeling very good and he then entered me and I felt something was wrong. I assumed he slipped it off before entry. When I got him off me and was yelling at him he was looking very sheepish and did say he was sorry.

 

I would never feel confident with this particular person again. The other thing...if this was someone with whom I had a "caring" relationship, it might be a different story. We all tend to cut slack to those we truly care for. However, I am interpreting this as little more than a sexual/swinging relationship and for those reasons, the worry and concern just simply would not be worth the effort for a person who did not respect me and my boundaries any more than is evidenced in catherine's post.

[Alura 2,774]

Posted by ElusiveBiFem:

 

I am interpreting this as little more than a sexual/swinging relationship and for those reasons, the worry and concern just simply would not be worth the effort for a person who did not respect me and my boundaries any more than is evidenced in catherine's post.

 

And here, I think, is the difference. We interpreted the situation as a developing friendship with three successful play sessions behind them. If we had gotten that far in a playful relationship, the friendship would be important enough for us to try to save it, depending on how and why the condom went astray.

 

We're not polyamorists, but we don't fuck strangers either. If friendship is not a part of the equation, we wouldn't be playing in the first place. Maybe that's why we've had so few experiences over the past twenty-four years.

 

Mr. Alura (These posts have been read and approved by Mrs. Alura)

[wrnakedru 38]

SexhoundDog said:

And EBF, wouldn't it be nice if you could channel the heat from those flashes into something fun. I'll put my karma thoughts into it for you!

 

Oh no you don't, SexhoundDog!

 

The fact those hot flashes are bothering EBF is a result of my karma thoughts working on her. Last summer and fall, I'd go over to her place to help her in her work - and end up sitting on the floor because that was the coolest place there. [heat rises, you know] And she would complain about how cold natured she is - she carries a parka, gloves and socks with her to the movies since she thinks it is so cold in the theaters.

 

I would sit there working away - roll of paper towels close by to keep from dripping sweat on the reams of papers I was organizing for her - cursing her under my breath. I thought then, this just ain't natural! Even taking my full strength hormones didn't help - it was just too durned hot in there.

 

So yes, I am getting a HUGE laugh out of her misery this summer. I'd go over there and help her with her work, but I can't remember where I left my parka!

[wrnakedru 38]

And now to my two cents worth on the topic matter of this thread.

 

I would have been upset as well. I shouldn't have to keep my eyes open and do an inspection for appropriate gear with someone who knows our boundaries, agreed to them, and I've played with before. I should be able to trust his adherence to that set of rules.

 

Brings to mind the fella that stuck a vial of "Rush" under my nose while placing his hand over my mouth knowing I'd have no choice but take a deep breath in of the stuff. I was "at the moment of truth", head back, eyes closed and he timed it to be just that, thinking it would be some huge thrill for me.

 

He was WRONG! I not only wasn't thrilled, I was furious. [after I got past being fearful I might be dying!]

 

I think, though, that the violation of agreed SOP is the same in both instances. NO ONE should take it upon themselves to think they can change things without there having been agreement ahead of time. To do otherwise is not only presumptuous, it is downright disrespectful.

 

I don't know if it can be put behind you, and things return to former levels. I can only say that in the instance I told about, I couldn't and wouldn't play with him again. I didn't trust him anymore.

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

wrnakedru said:

Brings to mind the fella that stuck a vial of "Rush" under my nose while placing his hand over my mouth knowing I'd have no choice but take a deep breath in of the stuff. I was "at the moment of truth", head back, eyes closed and he timed it to be just that, thinking it would be some huge thrill for me.

 

 

That is a crappy thing to do to someone!

[Alura 2,774]

wrnakedru said:

Brings to mind the fella that stuck a vial of "Rush" under my nose while placing his hand over my mouth knowing I'd have no choice but take a deep breath in of the stuff. I was "at the moment of truth", head back, eyes closed and he timed it to be just that, thinking it would be some huge thrill for me.

 

That's not just wrong, WR, it's criminal! I don't even know what "Rush" is but it sounds like a drug of some sort. There is no way he could have done this accidentally, either. In this case, you're absolutely right to have shown him the door. If someone did that to Mrs. Alura, I really don't know what I'd do.

[wrnakedru 38]

Mr. Alura -

 

Yes it is a drug which, similarly to amyl nitrate, dilates the blood vessels. Using it in conjunction with orgasm is supposed to make the experience more intense.

 

Not only was the experience not one I had expressed any desire for, but the fellow had no idea what my "heart health" might be. From the reaction the large whiff of it caused to me, I can imagine that it could be an extremely risky venture for a person with any sort of heart condition.

 

Didn't John Derek die as a result of his heart condition and use of viagra?

 

While I recognize[d] the intent of the fellow was that of providing intense pleasure, I really don't think the intent makes a darned bit of difference. It is as wrong to have done what he did as it would have been to give me that "date rape" drug.

 

I think to go against the agreed upon "rules of play" without knowledge and consent is equally wrong.

[Brit_Pair 62]

By taking his condom off, this man chose to disrespect both you and your husband, in the selfish pursuit of his own pleasure. No wonder you felt aggrieved. I'm surprised he survived the experience with his manhood intact.

 

But even before you expanded on the events of that meeting, I still didn't accept the 'caught up in the heat of the moment' argument. All that would have meant was that at some point, prior to entering you, the man would have experienced a train of thought akin to:

 

I'm so horny.

She's hot.

I want her.

Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear a condom.

Hey, don't wear one. She probably won't notice.

How can she fail to notice?

Ok, she probably won't care, she'll probably even like it, I've gotten her so turned on.

She's always insisted on condoms before though.

I don't care, I want to feel what it's like to be inside her without one.

 

There would have been a conscious decision - no matter how fleeting - to enter you bareback when he knew that was explicitly against your wishes.

 

And now that it's done? Well, I wouldn't give him/them any second chances. This sort of offence is an instant third strike in my opinion. And were I your husband, there's no way I'd have anything to do with this couple again, even if you were willing to forgive.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Brit_Pair said:

But even before you expanded on the events of that meeting, I still didn't accept the 'caught up in the heat of the moment' argument. All that would have meant was that at some point, prior to entering you, the man would have experienced a train of thought akin to...

 

And now that it's done? Well, I wouldn't give him/them any second chances. This sort of offense is an instant third strike in my opinion. And were I your husband, there's no way I'd have anything to do with this couple again, even if you were willing to forgive.

 

Dito and BRILLIANT Brit Pair! This is a great perspective.

[jcbicouple 24]

Although I usually think EBF shows great wisdom, I can't agree with her at all on this one. I'll probably get flamed, and that's OK, but the blame rests equally with both of you. You both got caught up in the moment of pleasure, and while I'd certainly guess he knew he didn't have a condom on, you knew it too and didn't IMMEDIATELY do something to stop it.

 

I agree 110% with Mr. Alura on his answer. His last paragraph says it all. If for some reason they take exception to the condom rule after you've had a direct discussion about it, no more swingee with them, but I'd bet they'll respect it.

Dito

You knew and chose not to do anything about it immediatly for your own pleasure (your own words). You were wrong, and if I were your husband I'd be pissed. Getting caught up in the moment is NO excuse for not doing the things you and your SO argeed to. The guy was wrong, but you had time to realize it, reach down and confirm it, and frankly, in his defense, He may have thought it was ok to cum in you because you just confirmed he had no rubber on and didn't stop him. Who's to say that he and his wife weren't ok with him being bare?

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

jcbicouple said:

Dito

He may have thought it was ok to cum in you because you just confirmed he had no rubber on and didn't stop him. Who's to say that he and his wife weren't ok with him being bare?

 

Ok first, in this type of stuff you should never assume anything. They both did some wrong in this situation. He shouldn't have broke the boundaries that were set up & she should have stopped it as soon as she realized. But he never should have assumed that b/c she confirmed that he had no rubber on that it was ok to cum in her.

 

Second, his wife may or may not have been ok with him being bare. But if wasn't ok with it, then he should have never stuck it in with no condom on.

 

Like I said, they both did some wrong in this situation. He should have never stuck it in with no condom, based on the bounadries set up. She should have stopped it as soon as she realized it. He should not have cum inside her. She should now just move on & look at it is a learning experience. SHe can't do anything to change it now, she can only be sure that it won't happen again.

 

As for the friendship, that is for her & hubby to decide. If they feel that it can be saved then that is cool. If not then ok.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

jcbicouple said:

Dito

You knew and chose not to do anything about it immediately for your own pleasure (your own words). You were wrong, and if I were your husband I'd be pissed. Getting caught up in the moment is NO excuse for not doing the things you and your SO agreed to. The guy was wrong, but you had time to realize it, reach down and confirm it, and frankly, in his defense, He may have thought it was ok to cum in you because you just confirmed he had no rubber on and didn't stop him. Who's to say that he and his wife weren't ok with him being bare?

 

Catherine's first post...

Quote

and he entered me and after a few thrusts I began to realize that he didn't have a condom on. I put my hand between my legs to verify this and I couldn't feel the rubber so I began to move my body so I could expel him out but to my regret I didn't tell him to verbally stop. I'm starting to sit up (we are in the missionary position) when he has his orgasm and releases sperm into me. I am horrified and immediately get up and start yelling at him

 

Her only mistake was in not verbally saying something, but I've been in that position before where I was simply speechless and/or as said before, the facts that one part of my brain are seeing don't register in another part of my brain, leaving me unable to really comprehend what might be occurring. 1 + 1 is not coming out to be 2. She was trying to physically extricate herself. Doesn't that count for something? Shock and surprise can cause some of us not to be able to utter a single word. Even me.

 

And what difference does it make if he and his wife were OK with not using a condom? The apparent agreed upon rule was the use of condoms. He had one on prior to the oral sex, but removed it without her knowledge prior to penetration.

[GirlieZ 15]

wrnakedru said:

And now to my two cents worth on the topic matter of this thread.

 

Brings to mind the fella that stuck a vial of "Rush" under my nose while placing his hand over my mouth knowing I'd have no choice but take a deep breath in of the stuff. I was "at the moment of truth", head back, eyes closed and he timed it to be just that, thinking it would be some huge thrill for me.

 

 

I don't know if it can be put behind you, and things return to former levels. I can only say that in the instance I told about, I couldn't and wouldn't play with him again. I didn't trust him anymore.

 

OHMIGAWD! What kind of person does this? The hand over my mouth would have caused me to bring my knee into his groin.

 

That being said...

 

Catherine,

 

The man betrayed your trust and it is up to you whether you can play with him again. The most important thing to do right now is to communicate your feelings to your hubby and then you both sit down with the other guy ask him why he did what he did and explain to him how you felt and the reasoning behind your decisions. This should be in a non-threatening and calm manner. Temper, temper

 

I know that sometimes people forget what they are doing and they lose their heads in certain situations. We all make mistakes...and maybe if you can trust him again (which I'm not sure if I would totally be trusting of this fellow) you can all learn and grow from this experience.

[Alura 2,774]

Elusive BiFem said:

He had one on prior to the oral sex, but removed it without her knowledge prior to penetration.

 

I agree this has to be the case, EBF, but I've racked my brain on how it can be possible. Here's what I've decided:

 

1. He could have lost his erection, allowing the condom to be pulled off. This scenario gives him no excuse for having removed it since he obviously would not have been "overcome with lust."

 

2. He could have shaved genitals which would have allowed him to roll the condom off. When I've not been shaved, genital hair gets rolled up in the condom, making removal almost impossible.

 

3. He could have violently torn it off his erect penis. Now, I'm not a big guy, as you know, and am certainly not hung, as you don't know, but I find it impossible to grasp the tip of a condom and pull it off.

 

This part of the story has been a real mystery to me.

 

In the end, though, I would say Catherine is to be supported regardless of her decision on the outcome of this situation.

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

I think he took it off on purpose. Why eles would he have looked "sheepish?" Everytime my kids or hubby has a sheepish look, they did something wrong & knew it when they did it!

[Alura 2,774]

GirlieZ said:

Catherine,

...ask him why he did what he did...

 

Yeah! Ask him how he did it, too. "Inquiring minds," y'know!

[Alura 2,774]

HotCoupleGnS said:

I think he took it off on purpose. Why else would he have looked "sheepish?" Every time my kids or hubby has a sheepish look, they did something wrong & knew it when they did it!

 

I think he took it off on purpose, too, HotCouple. I just want to know how he took it off.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Alura said:

I agree this has to be the case, EBF, but I've racked my brain on how it can be possible. Here's what I've decided:

 

1. He could have lost his erection, allowing the condom to be pulled off. This scenario gives him no excuse for having removed it since he obviously would not have been "overcome with lust."

 

2. He could have shaved genitals which would have allowed him to roll the condom off. When I've not been shaved, genital hair gets rolled up in the condom, making removal almost impossible.

 

3. He could have violently torn it off his erect penis. Now, I'm not a big guy, as you know, and am certainly not hung, as you don't know, but I find it impossible to grasp the tip of a condom and pull it off.

 

This part of the story has been a real mystery to me.

 

In the end, though, I would say Catherine is to be supported regardless of her decision on the outcome of this situation.

 

OK, Mr. Alura!!! You finally got me!!!! Surrender I have no response on this one. I haven't the foggiest idea how a man takes off a condom. (But I don't think he would have violently torn it off his erect penis." )

[OhioCouple 40]

Mr. Alura does have a very good point. During my single years, I insisted all men that I slept with, wear condoms. No two penis' were exactly alike and I can tell you that getting those babies on and off were quite difficult for each of them. A correctly fitting condom is snug and is not going to easily come off of a fully erect penis. Perhaps there are some pretty adept one-handed guys out there, but my guys needed two hands to peel it off when even still semi-erect after ejaculation. And they seemed to be pretty cautious about doing so.

 

As for Catherine's situation. I found myself in a swing situation in which I did not verbally say no correctly. I don't know what happened to me as I could have made my point by a firm knee to the crotch, but I didn't. I did the pushing back and said things like 'don't', 'stop', however this was seen as a sign of encouragement to the male half. This was a couple that we knew well enough to have had multiple encounters with and everyone was aware of the boundries. The end result for me/us, was that I no longer felt that I could trust this person and that ended the relationship, then and there.

 

Perhaps some people can feel the need to talk about it and try to rectify the situation, in my case, this was akin to date rape...pure and simple. However, I fault myself for not taking the appropriate actions that I should have, therefore I had fault also. We stopped swinging altogether for nearly six months due to this one incident.

 

The boundries were clearly violated and it is up to Catherine and her husband as to what they are comfortable in doing regarding this situation. There is however fault on both ends, to a degree. IMO.

[jcbicouple 24]

Well, Maybe I'm just reading too much into it. I guess I'd be interested in knowing: Was the agreement to use rubbers between her and her husband (That's what I guessed, there was no mention that they and the other couple ever discussed it, just that she thought she knew what to expect.) and how long did the intercourse last since she said she knew within the first few strokes (Did the guy cum within another minute or was this a 10 - 15 - 30 minute session?) lastly she said " I am angry with myself for not stopping him sooner or saying anything because I was caught up in my pleasure."

Sincerly hope everything is ok for her and her hubby: We never wish ill upon anyone, but I also still believe she was wrong and it sounds like she's looking for someone to tell her it was ok. IMHO it wasn't.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I really don't think it matters if he took it off or if he just never had it on. Either way he knew her rules and he didn't honor them. And once you have made your rules clear to someone (especially if you have played with them with those rules intact before) you should not have to constantly confirm that they are adhering to those rules, it should be expected and presumed.

 

He broke their rules knowingly and for that alone I had to agree with Spoo he deserved much more than getting yelled at, he would have left my house with bruises.

 

As for her failure to respond verbally, without being there and knowing exactly how much time lapsed it's hard to say if this was even a failure on her part. As EBF, I have been in situations where I'm still trying to put the words together and make 1+1=2 and it can't always be done in a moment's notice. It's kinda like when you are awakened from a dead sleep and spend a minute just trying to remember where you are much less figure out what you are doing there.

[OhioCouple 40]

To consider another scenario. If the male had lost an erection and then regained one as the climax of Catherine heated up, is it not plausable to believe that the condom could have slid off before the heat of the moment sexual intercourse occured? It could have happened depending on how oral was being performed. The movement of the male body against whatever prop for the female? For myself, I immediately enjoy a hard cock, while still in orgasm from oral. I'm not about to do condom patrol...cause at that exact moment I desire to be penetrated. Is it so hard to think that even a guy cannot get caught up in the same moment? If the realization occurs between either/both parties, I'd expect them to look sheepish too.

 

I think that it might be wise to talk with this other couple about what happened and why it happened. It very well could be a snafu, and nothing more.

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Your points are well made, Mrs. O. I suppose, when one thinks about it, there are multiple scenarios; however, based upon what catherine initially said in her posts, I would not think the one you proposed was the case. If the condom had "slipped" off when the man lost his erection, why would he have not explained that at the time? Don't you think he might have exclaimed something along the lines of, "OMG, I didn't realize that had happened!" Based upon catherine's words, this or anything similar was not the case. He merely looked sheepish.

 

As for a man being caught up in the moment while giving oral sex...I don't know. I'm not a man. I suspect, tho', that with the focus and concentration necessary to satisfy a relatively new partner, that that might not be the case. Enjoyment? Yes? But being caught up to the point of not knowing he had lost his erection and the condom fell off? Hmmmm....well, maybe some men can answer that question. It doesn't seem plausible to me, but then again, I've never worn a condom.

[CB_n_Red 16]

Okay, I've kept out of this one so far, but it's time for my two penn'orth....

 

I can accept (being a bloke) that it's just as easy for a man as for a woman to get totally caught up in the moment, to the point of being oblivious to what else is going on elsewhere in the room. However, for me this is really only the case when I am lying back, thinking of England and being pleasured. When I am being active in pleasing my partner it is easy enough to get really turned on by it (no way would the stiffy droop in that situation) but I just can't see myself, or any other bloke for that matter, losing it to the extent of not knowing whether he was still wearing a condom or not.

 

Given the state of my back (still), lying back and thinking of England is about the only way anything is going to work this week.... ?

[WesternSwing 504]

CB_n_Red said:

but I just can't see myself, or any other bloke for that matter, losing it to the extent of not knowing whether he was still wearing a condom or not.

 

I agree. I feel this guy just felt overly comfortable since they have played before and thought he could get away with it. I would have been absolutely furious with him and he would have been escorted in no kind manner to the door with instructions to never, ever contact us again. My wife would probably pummel him. And I'd make it known to others we come in contact with that this person does not respect boundaries and to be careful should they decide to play with him and his wife.

[curcpl_2004 16]

Hubby says "That's what the chainsaw in the garage is for !"