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Skullsawange

Husband eager to make plans but gets VERY insecure.

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We've been 'in the lifestyle' for about 5 years and have had multiple experiences in groups/couples/singles.

 

My husband is the plan maker. 

 

When we talk to new people, he does the majority of the messaging and planning. When it comes to talking to the couple (or person) and actually making the plans, he gets very insecure. The few weeks leading up to making plans with someone, there has to be no snags in our day to day lives. If he sends me a message on snap or in text and I miss it, then he feels like it's more important to me to be talking to and making plans with other people. 

 

I've been trying very hard to empathize and go his pace, but even if we get a text from a couple we've been speaking to and I ask him what we should reply, sometimes he takes that as being too eager of me. Like I should let them hang before we reply to them.

 

Does that make sense? 

 

My husband is a very emotional person, me not so much. He needs constant consoling. We have a lot of fun but I'm really confused about him a lot of the time. As much as he seems to want to keep going in this direction, he also really digs his feet in and it's..exhausting trying to constantly gauge where he's at. Anytime we try and talk through this problem, it turns into an argument. 

 

I'm at a loss.

 

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Please consider this and accept it without judgement.

 

This pursuit; "swinging", "the lifestyle", etc, what ever you wish to call it is predicating on communication.

Communication within the couples involved and communication between the couples involved.

Open, honest, frequent communication creates trust which increases the chances of having a good experience.

 

You have stated that "anytime we try and talk through this problem, it turns into an argument". 

Getting past this will be key to moving forward for the two of you, clearly. 

 

If you can't communicate as a couple, your chances are poor of communicating effectively with another couple

as you will not be moving forward with one voice and aligned in all respects. 

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I cannot recommend highly enough that you get Polysecure by Jessica Fern(book or we like audible and got the book too for reference) 

 

The dynamics and behaviours you describe are EXACTLY those that my husband have been through. It is 100% down your to insecure attachment styles, both him being emotional and you not.
Anxiousness/avoidance/fear of abandonment all the deep stuff. The lifestyle you inherently insecure so it magnifies absolutely everything 10000x.
(including the good liberated sexy unconditionung freedom, it’s why it offers such healing)


There are needs not being met and you can heal them with your love and communication. The really thorny sensitive ones, the repeating patterns, they are ALL about needs not met in childhood, that is where your arguments come from. 

 

Hope you guys can get to the bottom of it, love is always the answer 🫶🏻💜

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If he is this insecure, then there is something else missing: love, trust, communication. Figure out which it is and work on that.

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Insecure and needing constant consoling do not translate well to swinging!  Don’t know what to tell you.  Good luck.

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On 6/1/2022 at 3:49 PM, Skullsawange said:

My husband is the plan maker. 

... When it comes to talking to the couple (or person) and actually making the plans, he gets very insecure.

 

On 6/1/2022 at 3:49 PM, Skullsawange said:

We've been 'in the lifestyle' for about 5 years and have had multiple experiences in groups/couples/singles.

That seems odd.  Does your husband enjoy the goings-on in the moment?  Is there anything in particular that bothers him sexually, some act you do like kissing, girl play, or letting another man in your bum?

 

My take is that it isn't insecurity, he's just a procrastinator who doesn't want to face the tasks at hand.  Is he like this with other thing?

 

My simple-minded answer would be to tell him nicely that you like swinging with him, but going forward he needs to set everything up and you'll go along.  Be happy to answer questions or give an opinion if asked, but otherwise he's in control. 

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