Extreme shyness, please help. What to do?

[dosmasdos 3]

Do any of you have a pretty strong shyness, and have you done well in the lifestyle? Any shy couple has positive experiences to tell?
My wife and I are quite shy, but we love to fantasize about the lifestyle, and a few years ago, we had a wonderful experience with a couple we met online. Anyone who knows us would never believe the things we did with them. We love what we did back then, and it is something that we often remember with joy. The problem is all the effort it took for us to get to know them, mainly for my wife.
I think it's important that you know a little about us and how we entered this world. The short story is that my wife and I have been together since we were teenagers, we were friends for a few years until we started dating, and we practically only had sex with each other. We have always been very direct in talking, and when I found out about my wife's bi fantasies, we began to fantasize more and more until, years later, we discovered the concept of swinging. Our curiosity grew until we made a profile on a local webpage (locals or parties do not attract our attention), and that's how we met the couple we dated. They were also new to the lifestyle. We met them a few times, and in each encounter, we did more and more. Still, we were never 100% comfortable with them, and each time we played, despite having a very very good time, we did not dare to fully tell them some of the things that we wanted to do (nothing crazy, it's just that it was a bit awkward to communicate with them). After hanging out with them a few times and never feeling completely comfortable, we decided to stop our dates until we found a more compatible couple with whom we could be completely relaxed.
For me, meeting others is more of a personal challenge that I enjoy overcoming, but it is more difficult for my wife. Having to find topics of conversation out of thin air with strangers is something that requires a lot of effort for her, especially during the first meetings in restaurants, and not only in the swinger world but even in her work. It is difficult for her to talk with others, and for example, in her work, she often feels annoyed with herself for not daring to speak more (luckily, her work speaks for itself).
She is very interested in the swinger world, and in an ideal world, she would love for us to have a couple with whom we could comfortably reach those levels of intimacy, but having to go to a restaurant with practical strangers is something she does not dare to do again. She would love for us to do it with our best friends, and we are always fantasizing about them. Of course, we are not going to tell our friends to go out because we could lose their friendship (We know about the said: make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends). It is just so that you understand the level of trust that we would like to have with the people we go out with. Anyway, any advice you can give us to overcome this shyness would be appreciated. Thanks!

[lcmim 1,082]

Try a list of stock questions to start.

 

Make sure you have your own honest answers to the questions to reciprocate.

After the weather, did you have a good drive over nonsense.

 

What puts bread on your table?(Guys especially like talking about the type of work they do and can do it without getting too specific.)

 

How did you get into this, LS?

 

What do you do for fun other than this?

 

That sort of thing will get the ball rolling then just let the conversation flow wherever it will. DO NOT overthink it.

 

It is OK even good to hold hands for support. Most of us like couples that are affectionate with each other.

[dosmasdos 3]

2 hours ago, lcmim said:

Try a list of stock questions to start.

 

Make sure you have your own honest answers to the questions to reciprocate.

After the weather, did you have a good drive over nonsense.

 

What puts bread on your table?(Guys especially like talking about the type of work they do and can do it without getting too specific.)

 

How did you get into this, LS?

 

What do you do for fun other than this?

 

That sort of thing will get the ball rolling then just let the conversation flow wherever it will. DO NOT overthink it.

 

It is OK even good to hold hands for support. Most of us like couples that are affectionate with each other.

Thanks! Yes, something similar is what we did, and of course, we are super affectionate with each other. The question is also about how to pass from "people with some things in common but mainly seek each other for sex" to "friends who could visit each other almost without notice just because they wake up and wanted to watch a series, and sometimes do something else..."

[lcmim 1,082]

Do not let either be the goal.

Let each be a possibility.

 

With each couple it will sort itself out.

Trying to stage manage it  can be frustrating and possibly dramatic.

 

We prefer relational pairings.

 

Sometimes it is just sex , sometimes it ends vanilla. Often enough it is near what is, for us, a good balance.

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Extreme shyness would indicate to us that you two are probably not particularly well suited for the lifestyle.

 

It's probably best you keep it a fun fantasy.

[lcmim 1,082]

AndrewandAnn, If not totally refraining, (which may be right) . 

Certainly proceeding slowly. Probably slower than they think others have.  As long as it is THEIR slow, it could be the right pace for them.

 

Being curious how others have played it out is OK.

Letting that knowledge determine how you yourself should play it out is quite another.

[dosmasdos 3]

On 6/9/2022 at 2:25 PM, AndrewandAnn said:

Extreme shyness would indicate to us that you two are probably not particularly well suited for the lifestyle.

It's probably best you keep it a fun fantasy.

Well, maybe extreme is not the right word, as we can function with people in almost any situation (as I said, we even have some experience with swinging) but it is that going from being formal to being totally friends is something that for us needs a little more time than what swinger relationships seem to take.

[MS1999 38]

We have some friends in the lifestyle who are extremely shy until you get to know them. The two things they've found to help (1) have a few prepared questions that get the conversation going, as someone earlier mentioned and (2) go to clubs  with music and dancing; it can be easier to meet on the dance floor where talking is not as expected