What is BDSM?

[Elusive BiFem 70]

The chat topic last night sort of disintegrated into the "Education of EBF." It's true...there are lot's of things I don't know about even at this late stage in life. Lack of worldly experience? I guess. Whatever. The fact remains, I don't know certain things although I've learned more in almost 2 years on this board then I have in all the preceding years of my life. or

 

So...my education last night consisted of learning what a lap dance is. And no, I've never seen one and had never heard the expression until reading about it here. And BDSM...I didn't really know what that is. Not really.

 

Are others naive about some things? If so, here is the place to ask your questions about things you see or hear. And no fair making fun of someone that is asking something. OK?

 

I came back to this comment. Part of the difficulty in asking something - at least for me - is that I feel sort of foolish. Not foolish because I don't know the answer, but most would assume that just simply being here for all this time, I would know. But sometimes I don't. Sorta like when I took my statistics course. Six weeks into it, I finally gave up, raised my hand, and with great humiliation, asked, "Exactly what does that little squiggly thing mean? Somebody explain that squiggly thing to me! I think I'd understand this better if I knew what that meant." The little squiggly thing was on page 1 of the book, so I was having to admit that I didn't understand anything from page 1 forward. But you know, after I understood that squiggly thing, statistics was far easier to comprehend.

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

OK, I don't understand the whole BDSM thing. What does that stand for? What is the point? Is it all about being mean & rough? That is about all I have seen on the movies & TV. Do you only do it during sex or is this something that goes on all the time?

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Thank you for asking, HotCouple. Confirms that I'm not the only one that doesn't know some of this stuff and makes me feel a whole lot better.

 

It was explained to me last night, but I'll wait for someone else to answer since I'm a "new learner."

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Actually it's BDSM which stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism and pretty much refers to the whole realm all of the above. Typically it is completely separate from sex, although sex can be incorporated into it. It's really about control of a person or allowing another person to control you. The sadism/ masochism side is where the pain comes in.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

It's funny. I didn't even know that I didn't know what BDSM stands for. I never actually questioned it.

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

Does anyone know of a good site that I can read about it?

[leftcoastcouple 32]

Thank you for asking, HotCouple. Confirms that I'm not the only one that doesn't know some of this stuff and makes me feel a whole lot better.

Hah! Far from it, EBF!

 

When I first wandered over here last summer, it was to seek refuge and attempt to educate myself (and my wife) after being overwhelmed, intimidated and confused by all the acronyms and slang on AFF and other such sites. Fortunately, I found a wealth of info here that was only a search away. And, of course, the dictionary Julie's put together.

 

I've expanded my vocabulary significantly in the past year, but I still stumble upon words and acronyms with which I'm not familiar. It's one more reason I'm thankful for this friendly and humble community where no one's going to rip you for asking a "stupid" question!

[TxCouple98 15]

We have some experience in BDSM, and it can be interesting. My sister and a few of my friends are into this more as a lifestyle. It does have the kinky sex part to it, but as it was said it is more about control. That is of giving up your control to another person. It can be in the bedroom, to every day life tasks. A good link to a lot of basic info is cuffs.com there are also a ton of books on the topic. A lot of larger cities have clubs and monthly meetings.

[Randalls_angel 16]

Does anyone know of a good site that I can read about it?

Howdy Folks,

Yes, there are tons of sites out there on BDSM. Cuffs.com was mentioned, you can also try CastleRealm.com, DifferentLoving.com, or just type BDSM into any search engine and your going to get over 1000 hits every time.

 

It's funny when our friends turned us onto this site they said, "There are some BDSM topics floating around you might want to get in on." They were certainly right about that!

BDSM does stand for Bondage Discipline Sadism (or submission or slavery) Masochism (or Master). But what does it truly mean? A whole lot of things to a whole lot of people. You'd be surprised what a sub-culture of BDSM practitioners you would find in every community if they all flew a black leather flag outside their door every morning. There are as many definitions of BDSM as there are definitions of swinging. Each individual or couple involved in the lifestyle must define it for themselves. But as an overview, BDSM is a power exchange. As someone else mentioned (sorry, I'm awful with names) in a previous post, it can run from bedroom, tie me up and spank me softly games, to full time, the Dominant is in control and the submissive gives up control in every day life stuff.

 

The key tenets of BDSM are often referred to as SSC, which stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. Much like swinging, BDSMers have a set of "rules" if you will, that they adhere to religiously. Safe-anything done in the context of BDSM must not permanently harm anyone physically or emotionally. Does that mean pain's not involved? Hell No! Pain is good!! (That being a submissive's viewpoint, mind you.) Sane-obviously sane for one might not be for another, but quite honestly, if you're into fire-play, catching your partner on fire is not too sane! Consensual-ah, here is the real key. It's important for anyone first looking at BDSM to distinguish it from abuse. They are far removed and consent is the reason. A submissive GIVES control to the Dominant. The Dominant accepts control...he/she does NOT take it! Communication is everything, as it is in swinging. There must be a constant flow of communication in both directions for a D/s (short for Domination and submission) relationship to work. There is much negotiation and experimentation in the beginning. "Let's try this." And when it's over, "What did you like?" "What did you hate?" "Can we do it differently, slower, faster, harder, softer...etc?"

 

I could write a book here and still only scratch the surface. Oh wait, maybe this is beginning to look like a book!

 

But, now living a basically 24/7 D/s life I think I have a few answers. Not all of them by any means because we are still relatively new to this lifestyle. I know people who have been into BDSM for 20 or 30 years. They would be much more qualified to answer some questions. But I can point you in the right direction, or help you find answers to questions you might have! I'm always willing to make new friends and what a better way to do it than being helpful! Must be the submissive in me, huh?

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Thanks, Angel, for taking the time to explain some of this. And in TxCouples thread, you said you would answer some questions... So here I go...

 

Can you explain to me why anyone would choose this lifestyle? What do you get out of it - especially being submissive? Obviously, I ask from the context of my own way of looking at things, or functioning - that sort of thing.

 

A submissive GIVES control to the Dominant.

 

What does a submissive get out of giving control to someone else? I can't imagine being submissive, but on the other hand, I have no desire to be dominant. I enjoy an equal relationship in all parameters, so to speak. When I think of giving up control, and especially on a 24/7 basis, that comes across to me as being almost a form of abuse although you were clear on the fact that a D/S relationship is not an abusive one with your emphasis on GIVING control. Maybe it has to do with certain personality types? And as for the dominant person, again, I have difficulty understanding and separating from a form of abuse anyone that might be into wanting and/or taking control of another.

 

I mentioned personality types, and perhaps I have the type of personality that will never allow me to understand this, but I do appreciate your previous post and any answers you can provide here.

 

Thanks!

[DandS 15]

Good Question EBF, I was wondering the same thing.

 

Oh and btw, I've never seen or had a lap dance either!

[Randalls_angel 16]

Thanks, Angel, for taking the time to explain some of this. And in TxCouples thread, you said you would answer some questions... So here I go...

 

No problem, EBF. BDSM is something near and dear to my heart, so I enjoy helping others learn more about it. The more we know about something the less likely we are to assume things about those who enjoy it.

 

 

Can you explain to me why anyone would choose this lifestyle? What do you get out of it - especially being submissive?

 

Wow, what an age old question, and one I've asked myself many times! It's not something that is easy to put into words, but I will try. There is a real sense of security in being submissive. I know my Dominant will take care of me. Make sure I'm safe and healthy both physically and emotionally. Sure, there are times I say to myself, "This is ridiculous...I don't want to do what he says today!" But in all honesty, I love his firm control. When I get home in the evening to find a list of things he wants done I don't have to think about how to prioritize my evening. He's already done that. I'm not trying to say being a submissive is always easy, cuz it's not, but there is a certain sense of satisfaction knowing that when he gets home late at night his life is going to be organized the way he wants it. There is a feeling of freedom in being submissive! An oxymoronic statement, to be sure, but the truth none the less. When I go to bed at night and buckle on my cuffs (yes, I sleep in hand cuffs most nights) I know I'm loved, secure, protected and controlled.

 

What does a submissive get out of giving control to someone else?

 

When I think of giving up control, and especially on a 24/7 basis, that comes across to me as being almost a form of abuse although you were clear on the fact that a D/S relationship is not an abusive one with your emphasis on GIVING control. Maybe it has to do with certain personality types? And as for the dominant person, again, I have difficulty understanding and separating from a form of abuse anyone that might be into wanting and/or taking control of another.

 

This lifestyle is not for everyone by any means. Having spoken to many submissives over the last few years I hear a recurring theme...this is something I NEED. I fantasized about being controlled way before I had any clue what BDSM was. I love being tied up and flogged or spanked. I love kneeling at his feet waiting to hear what it is he wants of me. I love waiting on him...getting him something to drink or eat, getting something he needs or wants, tending to his sexual desires. I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain it to someone who does not have the desire to submit...but it is something within myself that can't be denied. I think you're right in saying it is a personality type.

 

The same is true of many Dominants. You've met the type...they are the ones everyone looks towards for guidance in a group. The one who can make a quick decision that seems to make a whole lot of sense after they say it, but no one else thought about before. My Sir has always, in every job he's held since we met, moved quickly to some sort of management position. Why? Cuz he's good at controlling people. And he has a gift for doing it in a way that you don't feel he's imposing his will on you...he just makes sense and you want to do what he wants you to do cuz it makes you both happy!

 

I hope that helps a little. Speaking of control and BDSM I was just informed it's time to hit the road so I have to sign off now....but keep the questions coming. You're making me think of some things I haven't thought about in a while, and some introspection is good for the soul!!

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Again, thank you Angel, for your well thought out responses. This is so much better - having someone that actually lives the lifestyle - explain things rather than just reading about it on some web page.

 

I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain it to someone who does not have the desire to submit...

That is a true statement of so many things. Few (dare I say any) that don't live a particular lifestyle can truly understand that of others. What immediately came to mind when I read this was how it is impossible for one race to have a full understanding for how life is lived as another race, no matter how hard we may attempt that understanding.

 

I definitely think it is a personality type, but of course, that holds true with every aspect of our lives. Some like green and some like red. Some like vegetables while others thrive on meat. But it is easier to accept others choices when there is some level of understanding as to why they made those choices and what it is they derive from those choices.

 

And yes, I would say that I have, in my lifetime, probably met more Dominants than I have Submissives, but I wonder if that isn't because they are more easily recognized. Although, perhaps, it could also be that at times I have rather strong personality characteristics myself and I'm simply attracted to others that seem similar. I'm sitting here talking to WR on the phone as I respond to this. She constantly teases me about being a little "Rottweiler," but she just brought up a good point in terms of my choice of pets as we discussed this personality aspect. My dogs are the rough and tough and tumble types. I live in a neighborhood full of little white foo-foo dogs, but they hold no interest for me. They're cute, but they're cute for someone else. Not me.

 

Now, another question, if you will. You commented that you sleep in cuffs. Why? Are you talking about your hands cuffed to the bed or cuffed to each other? And as silly as it may seem, what happens if you have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You mentioned buckling the cuffs, but are they then locked with a key? If so, do you have access to the key? Part of the reason I ask is thinking in terms of safety. As in fire or something like that.

 

WR was wondering...does this relationship involve punishment to you if you have displeased your Dominant person? If so, in what form does the punishment occur? (I don't know why she is making me do the asking. )

 

My question...do you feel comfortable offering your opinions on different subjects or giving suggestions? That sort of thing? What I picture is a relationship in which the submissive person has no input. Again...just my uninformed perception although, from what you have written, I suppose that could be aspects of a D/S relationship for some but not all.

[Randalls_angel 16]

And yes, I would say that I have, in my lifetime, probably met more Dominants than I have Submissives, but I wonder if that isn't because they are more easily recognized.

 

hiya again EBF--First let me tell you how much I'm enjoying this thread. I guess we are with other D/s couples or totally vanilla couples now that I don't really think about these things as often as I did when we first started in this lifestyle.

 

I bet you'd be surprised how many submissives you meet in your every day life, too. They are the ones who let you go first in line at the grocery store because you only have 3 items and they have a whole dozen! They are the ones at work who will offer to help you meet a deadline even if it puts their own work a little behind. They are the ones that you see waiting on everyone at a party...whether it's their party or not!

 

Now, I don't want to give the impression that all submissives are doormats just standing around waiting for someone to tell them what to do because that is definitely not the case! Many, many submissives hold high pressure jobs where they make split second decisions constantly. They may be custodial parents who are constantly barraged by kids needing decisions NOW, and they can handle all that very well. But when it comes to their relationship with their Dominant, it's so nice to just let go and let them make the decisions.

 

Now, another question, if you will. You commented that you sleep in cuffs. Why? Are you talking about your hands cuffed to the bed or cuffed to each other? And as silly as it may seem, what happens if you have to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You mentioned buckling the cuffs, but are they then locked with a key? If so, do you have access to the key? Part of the reason I ask is thinking in terms of safety. As in fire or something like that.

 

WR was wondering...does this relationship involve punishment to you if you have displeased your Dominant person? If so, in what form does the punishment occur? (I don't know why she is making me do the asking. )

 

My question...do you feel comfortable offering your opinions on different subjects or giving suggestions? That sort of thing? What I picture is a relationship in which the submissive person has no input. Again...just my uninformed perception although, from what you have written, I suppose that could be aspects of a D/S relationship for some but not all.

 

 

Ok, all of this is rather interrelated, so let me see if I can hit it point by point. I do sleep in cuffs most nights. They buckle on and the ones I sleep in do not lock. We do own a couple of other pairs of cuffs that can be locked on, but those would never be put on if I was to be alone at all. The sleeping cuffs are hooked to each other, but I can get them off in about 20 seconds. Yep, this is a safety (and necessary) issue. I'm sure my Sir would not like being woke up at 3:30 am cuz I had to pee! The safety issue is an important one.

 

Everyone I've ever met in the BDSM lifestyle has what is commonly referred to as "safe words." It is a word, or some times more than one, which stops everything in its tracks. No matter what is going on it stops and the Dominant finds out what the problem is. For example, Sir and I use "yellow" and "red" as safe words. They are pretty universal safe words. Lots of people use the same ones but it really doesn't matter what the safe words are, as long as the submissive and Dominant both know and agree on them. In our case, yellow means something is wrong. If, during a play scene (i.e. bondage, flogging, what have you) I say yellow, he immediately stops and asks what the problem is. It could be as simple as a rope pinching me and cutting off circulation or I have a cramp in a muscle that is causing undue pain. In a case like this, he would rectify the situation, make sure I was physically safe, and continue where he left off. If I were to say "red" then the scene ends, I'm unbound, or whatever, and we discuss what was happening. As two people venture through the beginning stages I think safe words are used more often. As a Dominant begins to know their sub they can usually read the body language to know if they are doing ok or things need to change. Limits are learned, etc., so safe words are used less...but they are always in place.

 

Also, on safety issues, a person in bondage should never, EVER be left alone, not even for a couple of minutes. A person who is gagged should have an alternate method of stopping a scene in case of emergency. In our case I hold a small ball and if I need to stop I drop it. And a Dominant should never use any device on a submissive until they are damned good and sure they know what they are doing. Many implements common in D/s relationships could be damaging in uneducated hands.

 

*grins at MR's question and the fact that EBF asked it!* Sounds like MR might have some Dominant tendencies!

 

To answer the question...umm, yes. I do get punished. With us punishment is seldom physically painful. We both prefer me to be in pain for pleasure rather than punishment. But he has been known to spank me, not usually hard, but enough to humiliate slightly. It usually depends on the offense in question, but one of his favorites is orgasm denial. I love to masturbate before I go to sleep (he doesn't get home from work until I've been in bed for a couple of hours) so he will deny me that form of relaxation. And it's funny, but if it's not allowed, damn do I get horny! He tends towards more juvenile forms of punishment...probably because they work! I really don't like them much. Standing in a corner, writing sentences, withdrawal of privileges...those things all work with me. Also, he has had me write a short essay type letter explaining what I did, what my motivation was, and an apology for doing it! One note on punishment is that it is never meted out for doing something that displeases him if I did not know before hand that it would displease him. In other words, I only get punished for rules I'm aware of!

 

Last but maybe most important is whether I feel I can offer opinions, suggestions and have input in our relationship. Here is where D/s differs from abuse. Yes, I feel totally free to offer my input on any matter that effects us as a couple. I do it respectfully, but you're darned tootin' I do it. His may be the final say, but he always listens to me and takes into consideration what I have to say. That includes things such as finances, house matters, and personal matters. He respects me as much as I respect him. I am no less important in our relationship just because I'm submissive. This is one of those things you just "know" on a gut level and it's hard to put into words...but it's there. For example, he knows I hate eating at buffet restaurants, so when we go out to eat, he picks the restaurant, but he doesn't pick buffets! If he is considering a large purchase we discuss it thoroughly before (or if) it's made. This is true of most D/s couples I have met, too. They are still partners in life, just the make up of the partnership changes a bit. The communication in a D/s relationship, or any other alternative lifestyle, including swinging, is a must!

 

Keep the questions coming, this is fun!!

[TNT 1,155]

Again, thank you Angel, for your well thought out responses. This is so much better - having someone that actually lives the lifestyle - explain things rather than just reading about it on some web page.

 

Ditto

 

Your posts are extremely interesting and informative. Thank you so much. I have done some very minor research on this and find it fascinating. I have a friend that is into D/s and he has tried to explain it to me a time or two but with every question he answered it just made me think of a hundred more. Please keep trying to educate us on this and once I think of a specific question I will definitely ask.

[TxCouple98 15]

The type of BDSM that we have gotten into was been more just in the bed room. For us neither of us have done anything like this before, so we have been exploring it together and it has been great fun. I don't ever see us being a 24/7 couple, but we both enjoy what we do in the bed room. By the bed room I mean that we get into using various BDSM related toys more than anything else. I do know some who are like angel and her Master, but it is not something that would work for us. I think one of the best things about the people who are into BDSM seem to be most willing to let others be how they want to be. In other words us wanting it only in the bed room is not looked down on as anything less than those who are 24/7. It is not something that we do always in the bed room, but once in a while it is a whole lot of fun.

 

We do tend to get more a lil more into the pain side of things, such as floggers, riding crops, paddles, canes, etc. Nipple clamps, clit clamps etc. Would love to try some hot wax

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Have you ever been in that situation where you had a bunch of thoughts running through your mind, but you just could not find the appropriate words to put "voice" to those thoughts? That is about the way I feel now. It happens to me in my work, frequently, when things just aren't adding up. However, with my work, I've learned, over the years, that that "feeling" means I need to do further investigation - that I'm missing part of the puzzle. So, with that thought, here I go again, trying to put conflicting and confusing thoughts into words.

 

I've always been under the impression that BDSM was something akin to a "game" people played with each other, more along the lines of what TXcouple mentioned. I suppose that thought comes from often reading something like, "We dabble in BDSM." To me, dabble means that it is just an occasional passing fancy - might do it, might not do it...if the mood strikes me...that sort of thing. Now, Angel, here you are telling me that this is your actual lifestyle and I think that is the part that isn't adding up for me. Not your 24/7 lifestyle as much as the thing about others dabbling in BDSM on an occasional basis.

 

Although I don't necessarily understand why you might find pleasure, etc, in some of the activities described, I can more readily understand that than I can the motivations of the occasional participants. (OK...I can see right now this isn't making much sense. I probably shouldn't have started this, but I'm going to march onward with it! ) I'm pretty much a black and white type of person so that may account for some of my confusion. You know...for me, either it is or it isn't. Few grey areas for me.

 

The other thing that is confusing to me is that for you, it seems this lifestyle is more of a "concept" of living encompassing physical and emotional processes. Whereas, as TXcouple mentioned, it seems to be more of an "activity." Can you see where my confusion is coming from here? And certainly, Txcouple, I mean no offense towards you, either, with these questions and would like to hear your responses, too.

 

The other thing, Angel....early on in this thread you said:

 

...this is something I NEED. I fantasized about being controlled way before I had any clue what BDSM was. I love being tied up and flogged or spanked. I love kneeling at his feet waiting to hear what it is he wants of me. I love waiting on him...getting him something to drink or eat, getting something he needs or wants, tending to his sexual desires. I'm not sure I will ever be able to explain it to someone who does not have the desire to submit...but it is something within myself that can't be denied.

 

At what point in your life and relationship did you realize this as a need? Assuming you had prior relationships prior to the one with your Dominant, did you feel that something was missing and/or lacking in those relationships? I'm coming at this thought/question from the direction, I think, of having recently had a rather in-depth discussion with two lesbians. One, married for almost 10 years with 2 kids prior to "coming out" (and divorcing) told me that for all those years in her marriage, she didn't know what was wrong, but just knew something was. It was a very conflicting time of her life until she realized and accepted what she truly felt and needed. After that realization, she felt like she had not only "come out" but had "come home."

 

Also, as a child, teen, young adult...were you submissive to parents/teachers/friends? I'm now wondering if some of these "oh, she/he's such a good child" kids aren't really submissive by nature. The other thing I'm wondering is, in terms of spousal abuse, if there isn't a connection in which the two partners have not realized what is really going on. In other words, someone that is submissive by nature involves themself with a Dominant, but not understanding the dynamics of the relationship, ends up in an abusive relationship rather than one that might be physically and emotionally appealing to both - with safe words, etc. Or...the submissive person is merely responding in the only way they know how while the other person is nothing more than a mean SOB that takes advantage of that submissive and desire to please quality. Which leads me to wonder if, in all the studies on spousal abuse, if this lifestyle or approach to a relationship has been studied.

 

Man alive! So many thoughts that I've never thought before. That is the fun part of learning something new. I wish you were nearby. I'd invite you to meet me at Starbucks for a full day of discussion and lots of chocolate mochas! Warning: when I was in school, it took me forever to understand the physiology of diabetes, but once I got it, I got it! Just the way my brain works, I guess.

[Randalls_angel 16]

Ditto

 

Your posts are extremely interesting and informative. Thank you so much. I have done some very minor research on this and find it fascinating. I have a friend that is into D/s and he has tried to explain it to me a time or two but with every question he answered it just made me think of a hundred more. Please keep trying to educate us on this and once I think of a specific question I will definitely ask.

 

Thank you! I know exactly what you mean about an answer spawning a hundred more questions. I felt that way (and sometimes still do) about swinging when we first started to explore it. The couple that first introduced us to swinging were awesome about answering questions...and my mind was full of them. All of the, "What if....?" and, "What do you do when....?" and, "How do you deal with....?"

 

D/s has become such a part of our lives I just don't think about those questions anymore. But it's so much fun to share something I enjoy with others! So, when you think of that question, ask away!

[Randalls_angel 16]

I think one of the best things about the people who are into BDSM seem to be most willing to let others be how they want to be.

 

We do tend to get more a lil more into the pain side of things, such as floggers, riding crops, paddles, canes, etc. Nipple clamps, clit clamps etc. Would love to try some hot wax

 

Good point TxCouple! Your kink might not be my kink, but your kink is ok! We just had this conversation last weekend while attending a private party for a group we belong to. It's actually a bdsm swing group and the greatest part about it is that everyone comes there with a different degree of experience in both...as well as bringing in a few new kinks! We have some Fem Dommes, some male Doms, both male and fem subs, and a couple of switches (in BDSM terms that is someone who enjoys being both a Dominant or a submissive depending on their mood at the moment). In that same mix, we have guys who are into cross-dressing, nudists, bedroom BDSMers, 24/7...you name a kink, it's probably in this group somewhere. But we all get along, and it's so much fun finding out about other people's fantasies and desires. In fact, for one of the cross dressers I made this adorable French Maid's dress.

 

Now, all this talk of bdsm toys makes me wanna go wake Sir up and drag out his toy box!

 

A note on hot wax: Do not use scented candles! They have a higher melt point. Try to find wax with no colors or scents--like the tall religious candles you find in the grocery store, usually near the Mexican Food section. Or, if you have one of those wax melters that you put your hands or feet into...those are perfect because they have a low melt point. Also, the higher away you hold the candle from your target point, the more time the wax has to cool a bit on it's journey. Make sure you have a good drop cloth--i.e. a tarp or lots of painter's plastic under your subject, too. Wax is messy!!

[Randalls_angel 16]

Question for your Angel. Do you like being punished like that? Standing in a corner & writing sentences. I know you said you don't, but I couldn't stand someone telling me to do that. Do you ever feel that the stuff like that is stupid? Not trying to sound rude or anything. Like you have said, it is a personality thing. I don't think I have the personality for it. But I really do enjoy reading & learning about it.

 

What a loaded question...do I like being punished? Let me quote Sir Randall on this one, "It's a punishment, you're NOT supposed to like it!" But, yes I do like it in a way. Sometimes I feel absolutely that it's stupid and ridiculous, but there is this place deep inside of me that tells me this is exactly what I need. (And your question didn't sound rude at all, btw )

 

Try to think back to a time in your life (most likely childhood) where you knew exactly what was expected of you and exactly what would happen if you met, or failed to meet, those expectations. It's not that Sir treats me in a child-like manner (unless we happen to be in an age-play scene) but I get those feelings of safety and security from our relationship. So, no and yes I guess is the answer to your questions. No, I don't like being punished...first of all, I don't like having disappointed him to the point where he feels punishment is necessary...secondly, it just ain't fun standing in the freaking corner!....but yes, I do like being punished because I know my actions have consequences....that he's paying attention to me....that he loves me enough to do what I have asked of him.

 

In our situation, the D/s came into our lives at my request, not his. I asked for this! (And I shoulda listened to my mom when she said, "Be careful what you ask for cuz you just might get it!!" ) No, in all honesty, I'm a very lucky woman!

 

Hope that didn't just muddy the waters more!

[Elusive BiFem 70]

Good Question EBF, I was wondering the same thing.

 

Oh and btw, I've never seen or had a lap dance either!

 

This thread has taken off on the BDSM thanks to Angel's helpful and enlightening responses, but yeah...this is something else, too.

 

Again, the other night in chat, I was told what a lap dance is, but will someone come along and explain it and/or their experiences with the rest of us?

[Randalls_angel 16]

Have you ever been in that situation where you had a bunch of thoughts running through your mind, but you just could not find the appropriate words to put "voice" to those thoughts?

 

On a daily basis!!

 

The other thing that is confusing to me is that for you, it seems this lifestyle is more of a "concept" of living encompassing physical and emotional processes. Whereas, as TXcouple mentioned, it seems to be more of an "activity." Can you see where my confusion is coming from here? And certainly, Txcouple, I mean no offense towards you, either, with these questions and would like to hear your responses, too.

 

There are as many levels of BDSM as there are couples who are involved. Some people are only in the bedroom, and let's face it, that's where 90% of the fun is! I would say that Sir and I are more in the middle of the 24/7 spectrum, leaning towards the tame side! I know couples who are much deeper into this than we are. There are subs who have very little control over what they wear, where they sleep, what they eat, etc. From the outside this may look like abuse, but again, the key to this is communication. It's ongoing, always! Most subs keep a journal that is open to their Dom. In this journal they can be perfectly honest about their feelings, their likes and dislikes, their wishes, dreams and fantasies. Lots of Doms use this journal as a stepping stone to in depth communication processes to see what's working and what's not. It's important to remember that when a sub gives control to his/her Dominant, the Dominant is accepting that control along with the responsibility of the sub's physical and emotional well being. If they are not conscious of that responsibility you are walking the edge of abuse...which is a point in all your questions, so I'll save that discussion for a minute!

 

 

At what point in your life and relationship did you realize this as a need? Assuming you had prior relationships prior to the one with your Dominant, did you feel that something was missing and/or lacking in those relationships?

 

Also, as a child, teen, young adult...were you submissive to parents/teachers/friends? I'm now wondering if some of these "oh, she/he's such a good child" kids aren't really submissive by nature.

 

My mother still says I was her easiest child because I HATED being in trouble! I have always been eager to please everyone. My mom says my brother got a spanking every day from the time he was 2 til he was 7. She's exaggerating a little, but not much!! For my sister, when she was two or three, my mom had to keep a willow switch on top of the fridge. As long as it was there, my sister was good as gold, when it was gone, my sister was a monster! For me---I received 2 spankings in my whole life from my parents, got grounded twice, and that was about the extent of punishments for angel! My dad only had to give me "the look" and I was blubbering out apologies for stuff I hadn't even THOUGHT about doing, let alone actually did! And I'm still like that. I don't like people upset with me.

 

I'm not really sure when I realized my submission as a need. I did have a previous marriage which I'll get into a bit in the abuse answer because these two kind of go hand in hand. I've always been drawn to written erotica, even as a young teen. When I was about 12 my dad had his Play Boy magazine ineffectively hidden under a stack of towels in our bathroom. Naturally, all three of us kids knew it was there and used to sneak peaks. In this particular issue there was a whole pictorial on a movie. The theme of the movie was a female sex slave. I poured over that magazine. Reading and rereading every description of every picture. How the woman had her labia pierced and her Master led her around by a chain attached to her rings to how he whipped her when he wanted to watch her writhe. When I was a little older I stumbled across a Penthouse Forum magazine in which there was a story about a man and wife. Once a week he would tie her spread eagle on the bed and spank her for real or imagined transgressions then have mind shattering sex! I was drawn to these types of stories and fantasized that someday I would have a man in my life who would live them out with me.

 

A couple of years after Sir and I were married I discovered the internet. Naturally I went searching for things I was interested in, and lo and behold, I found a whole bunch o' stuff I was interested in! That was when I first heard the terms Dominant, submissive, BDSM, Master, slave, etc. And a little light bulb went on over my head and I said, "I'm not the only one! There are lots of people who feel this way and live the life I want!!" I finally realized I wasn't weird and there was nothing "wrong" with me. So Sir and I began to explore the whole realm of BDSM, feeling our way slowly and experimenting with different aspects of the power exchange.

 

My need to please and be controlled has always been there, I think. It just took the right terms and some education for me to give myself the title of "submissive."

 

The other thing I'm wondering is, in terms of spousal abuse, if there isn't a connection in which the two partners have not realized what is really going on. In other words, someone that is submissive by nature involves themself with a Dominant, but not understanding the dynamics of the relationship, ends up in an abusive relationship rather than one that might be physically and emotionally appealing to both - with safe words, etc. Or...the submissive person is merely responding in the only way they know how while the other person is nothing more than a mean SOB that takes advantage of that submissive and desire to please quality. Which leads me to wonder if, in all the studies on spousal abuse, if this lifestyle or approach to a relationship has been studied.

 

Ok, this is a can of worms! Many, many, many submissives I have talked to in the last few years, myself included, have been in abusive relationships. You feel this need to be controlled deep in your soul, you find a partner who is controlling, and you say to yourself, "Ah, a perfect match. He/She is just what I've been looking for. Someone in control who knows what they want and will insist they get it!" Then, a little further down the road, you realize they are ONLY interested in what they want and truly don't give a damn about what you want or need. This is the difference between D/s and abuse. In a D/s relationship both partners are aware of, concerned about, and constantly striving to meet the needs of their partner. Most abusers are not uneducated Doms...they are selfish prigs!

 

My ex was not physically abusive but he was extremely emotionally abusive. He probably would have been more physical but he knew that was one of the things that would end our relationship instantly. I will NEVER be hit in anger! This is another "rule" in bdsm. (Please read "rule" loosely as there are no real rules, just understood acceptable behavior." Dominants do NOT punish while angry! If I make my Sir angry, and trust me, as in any relationship it does happen, he will usually remove one of us from the situation (normally I'm sent somewhere away from him) and he cools down. When he's feeling rational and not so angry anymore, we discuss the situation or he metes out an appropriate punishment. He doesn't ever punish me while he's angry. One quote about Domination I love is, "You can't control someone else if you can't control yourself." Anger is one of those emotions that can make you lose control of yourself. So, yes, many people, especially submissives in my opinion, that are into D/s now, may have come to it through a history of one or more abusive relationships. But there is where the connection between abuse and D/s ends. Remember the SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual!). No one consents to being abused!

 

 

Man alive! So many thoughts that I've never thought before. That is the fun part of learning something new. I wish you were nearby. I'd invite you to meet me at Starbucks for a full day of discussion and lots of chocolate mochas! Warning: when I was in school, it took me forever to understand the physiology of diabetes, but once I got it, I got it! Just the way my brain works, I guess.

 

I agree, this is so much fun! I am a teacher by nature, too. I love to share the knowledge I have and learn new things all the time. In fact, I have a degree in Elementary Education and WAS a teacher for a while. The politics of public education got to me so I went back to school and got a degree in accounting! Go figure.

I have a feeling if we lived nearby we would become great friends! But, hey, who says we can't become great friends anyway??

 

Now, you understand the physiology of diabetes?? See, maybe you can teach me a thing or two, too. I'm diabetic!! So, just keep those questions coming until you got it!

[TNT 1,155]

Ok...question...I have often heard that people who are in high stress positions (very dominant in their normal life) enjoy being very submissive in their private life...have you found this to be true with the people in the D/s lifestyle?

 

Also...and this probably stems from my upbringing...I read in another thread that you had no children... if there were children involved and you lived a D/s lifestyle 24/7, how would you, or would you allow children to be witness to their mother/father being dominated ? That probably makes no sense at all, but my mother preached to my sister and myself that we should never allow a man to totally control us...as in being meek and mild and everything he said was law...this was probably more in terms of she never wanted us to end up in an abusive relationship and to be able to take care of ourselves and always be able to speak our minds but in a "Healthy D/s" lifestyle how would this be played out when children are involved? Now I have totally confused myself and the question I was trying to get out...Maybe what I'm asking is .... do you live this lifestyle in a way that others are not aware of what is really going on? ...Kind of like most swingers do.

 

You know...I really think that we need to go have that cup of coffee that EBF talked about...it is much easier to ask a question face to face than it is to compose a question here in type.

[ionsawmill 86]

I read all of this and I have to say the most interesting thing about all of this is that EBF has never had a lap dance!

 

I'm so sorry!

 

Of course, lap dances are, IMHO, best for men. That's why D.E. has never partaken of a lap dance before though she's been offered many times. She does, however, love to watch me get a lap dance.

 

There are drawbacks. Zipper burn will put the brakes on a night of fun quicker than you can say "OWEEEE!"

[Elusive BiFem 70]

I read all of this and I have to say the most interesting thing about all of this is that EBF has never had a lap dance!

 

 

And what will you say when I tell you that until last Thursday night's chat, I wasn't really even sure what one was? I thought I knew just from reading the board, but wasn't quite positive and had always been too embarrassed to ask. And I'll also add that prior to joining this board in December, 2002, I'd never even HEARD of a lap dance. Such a sheltered life.... - EBF

[TxCouple98 15]

For those who have kids, there are ways to have this lifestyle without it being right out there for everyone to see. For example, I have a friend who has two subbies and one of those subbies has a kid. All three of them live together. The kid in questions however, has some disorder, so i am not sure he would know for sure that there is anything wrong with the three of them living together. However, my point is that most couples i know make agreements on how to act in front of other people. For example, the sub might call her/his Dom/Domme by a more common pet name in public than calling them Master/Mistress. They may also pay extra attention to making sure they have a filled drink are comfortable, have what they need etc. No one would think anything of it, except that he/she is being extra sweet perhaps.

 

When it comes to playing most people i know will have their kids stay out of the house for an evening, etc. BDSM play can become very loud and would not be good to have your kids run into the room in the middle of it.

 

I don't have kids myself, but this is just what i've heard from people i know who are in this lifestyle and deal with kids.

[TxCouple98 15]

EBF--

 

Sorry, if you are getting confused Angel has a lot more experience than I do in this lifestyle, but from what I've seen and know there is a wide range of how into this people are. There are those who strive to be 24/7 and the Dom/Domme has as much control as they can in day to day life over their subbie. Then there are those like me, who enjoy the kinky of it and different parts about it, but is something we do once in a while. There is no rule that you have to be to this extreme or that into this. You can be as hardcore or not as you want to be. That is what i think is so great like angel said too.

[ionsawmill 86]

And what will you say when I tell you that until last Thursday night's chat, I wasn't really even sure what one was? I thought I knew just from reading the board, but wasn't quite positive and had always been too embarrassed to ask. And I'll also add that prior to joining this board in December, 2002, I'd never even HEARD of a lap dance. Such a sheltered life.... - EBF

 

Well. I for one am glad you've come out of your shell.

 

Now go get a lap dance!

 

 

Seriously, one of the things we enjoy most about a night at the club is picking which girl will be my lap dancer for the night. I only get one, so I have to be choosy.

 

The most interesting lap dance I ever received was at Club Risqué near Gainesville, FL. It's all very complicated, but it involves metal bars and a workout mat. The dancers recommend that you remove any keys or belt buckles that might injure you or the dancer. It's that intense!

[wrnakedru 38]

Ionsawmill -

 

What EBF didn't tell you is that she agreed to go with me and my hubby and get a lap dance for her birthday [which is September 25th]. This is one thing she is not going to be able to back out of without a serious loss of face since I have MANY witnesses to her agreeing to it - everyone who was present at live chat on Thursday evening. Many of them jumped on to say "I saw that" before I even requested their witness to her agreement. Kinda gives you the idea she chickens out on some things, huh?

 

She's already trying to plan what to wear for the occasion, so I guess maybe she'll go this time. However, during a recent discussion of this, she said "I don't know that I'll get one, but at least I'll see what one is." I said "Oh, you'll get one all right!" to which she replied "How do you know?" I said "Because I'm going to pay for it!" And, bless her heart, she asked [incredulously] "You mean you have to pay for those things?" I asked her how she thought those girls make their money and she said she thought they just got paid like everybody else. [??!!?? ]

 

I suppose I can't get away with taking a video cam in the place, but my oh my - we may have to gather a crowd for this celebration.

 

I feel a "Meet Up" in the works for September in Dallas! Anybody interested?

 

WR

[ionsawmill 86]

And let me tell you...

 

Those girls work for their money. With all the modesty I can conjure, I have to say I'm not bad looking. I'm not good looking, but not bad either. Not so for some of the regulars at the clubs. I've seen some really skanky guys with beautiful half-naked girls on their knees.

 

They earn every dollar and some of them should win Oscars.

 

Now, the lady who gives EBF a lap dance, she should have to pay for the honor.

[Randalls_angel 16]

Ok...question...I have often heard that people who are in high stress positions (very dominant in their normal life) enjoy being very submissive in their private life...have you found this to be true with the people in the D/s lifestyle?

 

This is very true. Many of the submissives I have met work in high pressure jobs where they are making decisions that effect a lot of people all day long. I think the draw to being submissive in this case is just to have a break from being in charge. I can't really add a lot to this line of thinking because my job isn't high stress, though I do have a lot of authority in my position at work.

 

 

Also...and this probably stems from my upbringing...I read in another thread that you had no children... if there were children involved and you lived a D/s lifestyle 24/7, how would you, or would you allow children to be witness to their mother/father being dominated ? ...Maybe what I'm asking is .... do you live this lifestyle in a way that others are not aware of what is really going on? ...Kind of like most swingers do.

 

This is a very valid question and one which many people in the D/s lifestyle who do have children struggle with. Had we been able to have children they would not have known about our lifestyle choices until they were at a maturity level to handle it---like around the time they turned 45! No, really I think it depends on the child. I do believe, however, that this lifestyle can be lived with children in the house...it's just a little trickier. We have discussed this, especially when we were actively trying to have children and our thoughts were that we would have raised our children to be independent thinkers, accepting of others differences, and would have tried to instill in them a sense of self that would have allowed them to explore their own desires without the guilt so many of us have had to face. So yes, eventually our children would have known of our lifestyle choices, but only after they had reached an age where our choices wouldn't have seemed like the "right" choice for everyone.

 

Now, the real question is how do you raise children that way and still maintain your own power exchange? From observation and conversations with people in this lifestyle who do have children I think it's safe to say it can be done. You don't want your children growing up thinking that men rule the house, or women if it is a Fem Dom couple. So I think the key is that, when it comes to parenting, you are on equal ground. Granted, mom may have to listen to dad and do what he says in other areas, and children may pick up on that, but you must be a united front on child rearing. Mom has just as much authority on discipline, decision making, etc. as dad does.

 

Now, let me pose a question: As a chid did you or did you not have a dominant parent? A parent that made most of the decisions concerning you and what you did or did not do?

Personally it was my mother. My dad worked odd shifts and wasn't always around to make decisions. We never felt like my dad couldn't...just that mom usually did. Example, my brother was maybe 16 or 17 and asked my mom if he could go to a concert the following weekend. My mom's answer was, "I'm not sure. Let me talk it over with your dad and I'll let you know tomorrow." My brother, smart-ass that he was, sat down at the kitchen table and said, "Mom, when ya gonna stop bull-shitting me. You know and I know that YOU are going to make this decision and dad will go along with it! So, can I or can I not go to the concert?" My mom started laughing and had the good graces to get a little red in the face before saying, "Ok, let me put this a little differently. I need to think about it so give me til tomorrow and I'll let you know!"

 

Did we think my dad had less authority? No. Did we think my dad was submissive to my mother? No. It's just what they worked out as parents and it worked for them.

 

As for the last part of your question...yes, for the most part our lifestyle choices are not widely publicized! We are "out" to many of our friends. But for the most part our family, casual friends, and neighbors are not aware of our choices. Sir has a "look" that he sometimes gives me in the vanilla world that lets me know we will be having a discussion when we are alone. We also have very subtle ways of enjoying our power exchange in mixed company. For example, I seldom sit down in a restaurant before he does. I fix his plate if we are at a potluck kind of thing before I fix my own. I get his drinks or whatever he needs when he asks. It doesn't look odd in mixed company...it just looks like he's a lucky man with an extremely attentive wife!!

[Randalls_angel 16]

She's already trying to plan what to wear for the occasion, so I guess maybe she'll go this time. However, during a recent discussion of this, she said "I don't know that I'll get one, but at least I'll see what one is." I said "Oh, you'll get one all right!" to which she replied "How do you know?" I said "Because I'm going to pay for it!" And, bless her heart, she asked [incredulously] "You mean you have to pay for those things?" I asked her how she thought those girls make their money and she said she thought they just got paid like everybody else. [??!!?? ]

 

 

WR--and you say you're not Dominant???? Man, if we were in Texas we'd be there!!

 

Have a great time!

~angel~

[Elusive BiFem 70]

You said earlier that ya'll were interested in swinging and I believe you mentioned that thus far, that had been soft swing only. Assuming that you move forward to swapping partners, how will that arrangement work out? Will your husband have the tendency to attempt to dominate the female partner? Or will you focus on finding people that are interested in both swinging and BDSM? I'm thinking it would be a mode that might be difficult to get out of, but I don't really know. And you, too? If you were to find partners in which the man was less than dominant, would you be happy with the sexual aspects of swinging? Are you or do you have any interest in bisexuality, and if so, would your female partner need to be more or less dominant? Assuming that ya'll are looking for swing partners, will you be allowed to give a thumbs up or thumbs down on potential partners? Or, as others have written about, would you be expected to "take one for the team" in that situation?

 

And...does your husband read the board or have any interests in doing so? Have you discussed all these questions with him? Does he think I'm a total dim-wit? Please say no....

[ALilOEverything 901]

I think my husband is probably thrilled about how enlightening this thread is about bdsm. My husband told me from the beginning he had a submissive side and wanted a dominating female. Several years ago he told me this was a part of him and something he felt he needed. Just him telling me it was a NEED was a complete turn-off for me and from then on I didn't want hear a thing about it. In nature I'm dominating in my relationships, I make the decisions of course with his input but I generally have the final say. He's always been very submissive by nature...I never realized until later this was something I actually looked for in men. He bought the book Different Loving and I was furious...mostly because I didn't understand. We had gone to counseling several years ago and this was something I brought up. It was understood that Dom/sub as a lifestyle was something I had no interest in...even though much of our relationship already had reflected some of it.

 

Well at present time I feel like I have fallen short as a wife because I haven't given his thoughts and desires on the subject much merit. We are finally in a point of our relationship where we can communicate on a level where we can keep an open mind and not let old views or issues compromise the conversation. I feel like since even after all these years (10 years) I want to understand more of what it is he feels/wants/desires. This thread is very timely because we have just been talking about this recently. I brought it up to him last night and he seemed to have let out this sigh of relief. For him I want to learn more about the subject...to understand it. I really want to do this for him...for us. I'm finally finding myself interested in the subject, maybe I can fulfill some of his fantasies in and out of the bedroom. I really appreciate your openness on the subject... I too would love to get together for coffee and pick your brain.

[Randalls_angel 16]

I really appreciate your openness on the subject... I too would love to get together for coffee and pick your brain.

 

Where in Michigan are you? We are in Lansing...not too far from anywhere South of Clare. Maybe getting together for coffee isn't out of the question for us!

 

As for your reluctance...I know just where you're coming from. It's funny how I hear so many couples who discover or experiment with BDSM AFTER they are married do so because of the submissive. That was also the case with us.

 

My husband grew up in a home where his father was abusive towards his mother. For him the idea of control or pain was scary. He honestly couldn't fathom hurting me on purpose or that I WANTED to feel pain from him. And, at that time neither of us had ever heard of BDSM so we started out with role-playing. The only relationship I had to equate my feelings with was that of the parent/child. So that is what we role played. It seemed easier for him to get in the mind set of controlling me or punishing me when he was playing "daddy." This is still something we enjoy doing from time to time.

 

Once we discovered BDSM it was a long time before he could start to enjoy it. He did it for me, because I needed it, but it wasn't something he would have initiated without my push.

 

It wasn't until we went to visit some lifestyle friends in New York and were able to go to a public club there that he began to become more enthusiastic about it. I think seeing other people...and how many there were...enjoying this helped him realize he did not marry a freak and it was ok to enjoy this. I was not asking him to be an abuser, only a Dominant.

 

After that we began to get more involved in our local BDSM scene. It's hard for us cuz many of the munches are held during the week and he works second shift...but we try when we can. We also belong to a Michigan bdsm swing group. (I'll send you the link to join if you're interested). This is the greatest group because it brings people of all interest levels and experience levels together. Fem Doms, Male Doms, fem subs, male subs, those coming from a more intense swinging background but interested in bdsm and those coming from a more intense bdsm background interested in swinging. We try to get together once a month--sometimes it's a purely vanilla setting for people to talk and get to know each other, sometimes it's totally a play party where whatever the host/hostess says goes, and sometimes it's a combo of the two. Totally no pressure and lots of fun!

 

So, my advice would be to explore this new realm together. Find others (myself included!) who can help answer questions or offer advice. Play! Play! Then play some more! Find one small thing you enjoy and do it. Set time limits--i.e. I'll be in total control for 3 hours. Then sit down and discuss what you liked, what he liked, what neither of you liked. Find some pervertables around your house you can play with before you invest money in expensive toys. My husband has a favorite long nylon frosting spreader he picked up at a dollar store. Ouch! That thing stings like the dickens...but it's fun! We have a bunch of stuff we've picked up at department stores, Home Dungeon, oops, I meant Home Depot, the dollar stores...you name it, we're always on the lookout for cheap stuff we can turn into something perverted!

[Randalls_angel 16]

But anyway...you said earlier that ya'll were interested in swinging and I believe you mentioned that thus far, that had been soft swing only. Assuming that you move forward to swapping partners, how will that arrangement work out? Will your husband have the tendency to attempt to dominate the female partner? Or will you focus on finding people that are interested in both swinging and BDSM? I'm thinking it would be a mode that might be difficult to get out of, but I don't really know. And you, too? If you were to find partners in which the man was less than dominant, would you be happy with the sexual aspects of swinging? Are you or do you have any interest in bisexuality, and if so, would your female partner need to be more or less dominant? Assuming that ya'll are looking for swing partners, will you be allowed to give a thumbs up or thumbs down on potential partners? Or, as others have written about, would you be expected to "take one for the team" in that situation?

 

And...does your husband read the board or have any interests in doing so? Have you discussed all these questions with him? Does he think I'm a total dim-wit? Please say no....

 

Oh, I do love your mind, EBF. So many questions!! Ok, so far we have only experimented with soft swing because of me! So yes, I do have a say in all of this! I'm not yet ready to try full swap, and when we first started to get into swinging we discussed it a lot. We both agreed that we would always have to agree 100% on any other couple we play with. As for me, I tend to be drawn towards more dominant people. And yes, Sir does tend to want to dominate, even though he doesn't notice it as much. We have had some limited playing with another D/s couple...FemDom male sub. It's been interesting because when we do pair off it's the two subs and the two Doms...but the Doms keep their hand in things. (pun intended) .

 

I am very bi curious with very, very little experience in that area. I do think I would be more attracted to a dominant person than I would another sub, unless the action was being orchestrated, so to speak, by Sir. We are taking our time exploring this together...as we have explored everything so far in our marriage! But I always have the option of saying no to anything connected to swinging.

 

Sir has not yet gotten on the board to read anything, but I share all this with him. And no, he does not think you're a dim-wit, silly!

[BD2 15]

Hi everyone! I can't tell you all how much I've enjoyed reading this thread! We've been away from the site for a little while due to traveling and some family stuff, but I've obviously missed some good talks!

 

My husband and I started our D/s relationship about five months ago and it's been a rewarding learning experience for both of us. We were new to the swingers world (only a couple of months) and had just recently had our second experience with a new couple which was fabulous! I had some time to myself for about a week and started to search on the net for a Dom and found myself telling my husband of my secret desires and of the Master I had met on line through Sir Kelley's site. All this was very much a surprise to him, but as it turned out he was very interested....so much so that he has now become my full time Master. We do try to keep a 24/7 lifestyle, but I tend to struggle with the switch at times around our employees, etc. I'm still learning and so is he. It has been rewarding, as I said for both of us.

 

Our vanilla friends are unaware of our lifestyle and our Master/slave roles, and only one of our lifestyle couples is aware of our D/s role. We have not ventured out into a clubs for D/s and perhaps this is why I enjoyed your thread so much...as angel said...it is great to talk about your feelings and thoughts about being a submissive with others and gives you reason to think more about why you are doing this. For me it's taking it to the edge...something that has been inside of me for a long time that I controlled (must be that midlife crisis thing that let it all come out...LOL!)

 

I'll be happy to answer any questions on the subject of our D/s relationship. If the world is of interest too anyone, it's worth exploring. Every relationship has it's safe limits, as our does. We've set up rules and signed contracts with each other to be sure we both are in agreement with everything. We talk about our relationship often and as angel stated, we use our safe words for protection and safety always. my need for him as my Husband and my Master has only intensified our relationship and brought it to a new level. Our kids will never be aware of any of this and as of August the last one leaves for college, which leaves us with a house to ourselves....yes I'm smiling :-) (but I will miss him!)

 

Enjoy your day everyone!

[Elusive BiFem 70]

I'm finally finding myself interested in the subject, maybe I can fulfill some of his fantasies in and out of the bedroom. I really appreciate your openness on the subject... I too would love to get together for coffee and pick your brain.

 

I know exactly how you feel, ALilO. I can't, and probably never will, be able to get past the pain/pleasure aspects; however, this has been most interesting to me. Previously, if anyone mentioned BDSM, I didn't want to see, hear, feel, touch, smell anything that had anything to do with it. The entire idea frightened me. I thought it was weird or something. Angel has done a fantastic job of educating me, and others, I imagine. I doubt that a D/s relationship is one I would enjoy, but at least I've learned a bunch about myself and no longer feel that it is weird or frightening.

 

But...I'm going to be really jealous if ya'll end up at Starbucks without me!

[ALilOEverything 901]

Where in Michigan are you? We are in Lansing...not too far from anywhere South of Clare. Maybe getting together for coffee isn't out of the question for us!

 

I'm closer to Clare than Lansing I'm about 2 hours from Lansing. I would love to get together and learn more.

 

We also belong to a Michigan bdsm swing group. (I'll send you the link to join if you're interested).

 

PM me with the details...My husband said he's very much interested in learning about the group. You definitely help me to be more interested. I've always thought of it as something only freaking people got into. I never really thought of it as something for average every day people. Kinda what many people think of swinging. I think knowing other people in the lifestyle will help me understand and overcome my misconceptions.

 

But...I'm going to be really jealous if ya'll end up at Starbucks without me!

 

Hey, the more the merrier! And I have to say after reading many of your posts I often wish I could pick your brain too

[Randalls_angel 16]

I'm closer to Clare than Lansing I'm about 2 hours from Lansing. I would love to get together and learn more.

 

PM me with the details...My husband said he's very much interested in learning about the group.

 

Good morning everyone!

 

I will send you the details of the group when I get home this evening. I want to take the time to tell you a bit more about it and some of the other people involved so the two of you can make an informed decision as to whether or not you want to join!

 

Only a couple of hours from Lansing means there must be somewhere an hour from both of us we could meet! Mt. Pleasant maybe?

 

Have a great day!

~angel~

[ALilOEverything 901]

I look forward to hearing what more you have to say on the subject. Mount Pleasant is perfect

[HotCoupleGnS 21]

I really enjoy reading & learning about this stuff. Although on aspect I am totally uncomfortable with is living this lifestyle will having kids. I want my kids to grow up with a respect for the other sex. I think relationships should be equal. I like doing things for hubby, fixing his dinner, doing his laundry & all that. The second that I thought I had to do that stuff I would quit.

 

My mom raised me as a strong female. Since I met hubby I have changed a little, I like us to be equal. I would never want my boys to grow up thinking that they could boss around females, or if I had a daughter, that she should let men boss her around. (or switched around, depending on who the D/s is.) Like I said I like reading & learning about it. I even like being controlled sometimes during sex. No pain really, but I like it when hubby acts controlling. But boy, if hubby tried that outside of the every now & then time we do it in the bedroom, he better have his dick covered!

 

Like it has been said, it must be a personality thing. I don't understand how someone would like to be controlled in that way. I am not saying anything bad against those of you that do it, I am just saying I don't understand it myself. Who knows though? I do like reading your guys posts!

[1curiouscouple 15]

My wife went to a party last weekend and they had a cross (X) in the weight room. Some of the girls got to playing around a little on this contraption and my wife started getting excited about the possibilities. She asked me if I could build one and I was kind of shocked. I never thought she was interested in this type of activity. After some conversation, I discovered that she was interested in mixing bondage, sex and light flogging. Can anyone tell me how to get started. I don't want my lack of experience to be her disappointment. How can I appear to know what I am doing? What are some things we should start with?

[Cpl2SwingNC 15]

BDSM does stand for Bondage Discipline Sadism (or submission or slavery) Masachism (or Master). But what does it truly mean?

 

I don't mean to sound snobby or like a know it all, and I've not yet read the entire forum, However you are mistaken in your definition of Sadism and Masochism.

 

 

Sadism and Sadistic, comes from the French Classics written by SadeComte, Donatien Alphonse François de. Also known as the Marquis de Sade. A Sadist enjoys giving or inflicting pain on another individual.

1. The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.

3. Extreme cruelty.

 

 

Masochism: The masochist derives his name from Leopold von SacherMasoch ( 1835-95), whose books picture this. A Masochist enjoys receiving pain.

1. The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused.

2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself.

3. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

 

Just finished reading the entire forum and thought that we would chime in with some personal experiences.

 

1. In most D/S relationships in truth the submissive is really the one in control. In the song from the Police, "Wrapped Around Your Finger," there is the line at the end of the song that truly sums it up, "and then one day you'll find your servant is your master." It is the submissive that controls exactly what does and doesn't happen through the use of "safe words." When being submissive I can stop all activity with just one word. In truth the Dominant is submitting to the will of the submissive. Any respective Dominant understand where the control really lays, and will not go past established boundaries.

 

As I explained in another thread, I have a top management position that is very public, and I make major decisions on a daily basis that effects others around me. I personally enjoy them times that it is my wife making the decisions, but it is by no means a full time position. There are times in which I like to be one who is in-charge, so to speak. But the times of submission are a great release from the pressures of life.

 

Being a submissive is not necessarily able to be seen in a public setting. Most Doms/Subs that I know are nothing like the role they play on occasion. To meet my wife in public one would never be able to tell that she has a controlling domineering manner at times in the bedroom. Nor would you be able to tell that I enjoy being a submissive. To us, that is the beauty of this type of behavior.

 

2. A certain degree of pain can equal pleasure. It's not in the physiology of the pain as much as in who is inflicting it, and to what degree. The firm, yet stinging of a riding crop doesn't excite because of the pain or the warmth of the crop, but because my partner is the one that is administering this sensation. I've personally noticed that the breathing and excitement of my wife is heightened as she begins this activity. That very fact excites me to the point where I desire harder swats, but only to a certain degree: neither she or I desire such pain that there are welts that remain after the night, nor do we wish to draw blood.

 

3. Light Bondage heightens the sensation of the body that one normally takes for granted. When on cannot reach, touch, or see what is going on the body takes over and other senses take over for the ones being deprived. Ever notice how deaf people can see well enough to read lips, have you ever tried it being a person who can hear? It's very difficult. Or how about the blind individual that can hear sounds that you and I would struggle to hear? being blind-folded increases the sense of touch on the human skin; it's almost as if the hairs on the body become better receptors that transfer feelings to the central nervous system. Being bound and touched almost sends an electrical shock through the body as well.

 

How many have ever tied a partner with a rope or used pantyhose, or even blind-folded a partner? It doesn't have to go the point where one is handing another from the ceiling to be considers bondage, and light bondage seems to be accepted by many.

 

4. What's known as "Forced Feminization" is also a form of the BDSM lifestyle and carries with it many of the same benefits. At my wifes request, not too long after we were married, she desired that I put on a pair of her panties and do a dance for her. She like it so much she asked if she could replace all my tighty whitey's with sexier panties. Being that the comfort level of the panties was better than that of my FoTL briefs, and even the Low Rise Bikini's that I'd worn I agreed and now own very few pairs of men's underwear and they would be more to the racier side. The silky, stretchy, lighter weight fabric of panties are more comfortable to me. However, to look at me one would never know of the choice of undergarments. I am a man's man on the exterior, very professional while at work, and very masculine when dressed otherwise.

 

There is, however, occasions when my wife, while in Dom mode, has "dressed me up in other lingerie and used it as a means of humiliation saying things such as, "Who's my bitch now," or "Aren't you a pretty little Sissy Boy?" Again, because of my job it is as much as a stress relief than anything. And while feminized she makes requests of me that one would normally associate with a male asking a female to complete. When the children have not been home she has dressed me as a French Maid and asked me to clean the house, all while she took pictures of me. But this is not something that happens all the time.

 

5. Ever had female partner use a strap-on on a male partner? This to is a form of BDSM. Not the toy, but the role reversal is a Dom/Sub activity. Role reversal is usually the point to the Master/Slave relationship.

 

6. BDSM, IMHO, enhances communication in the relationship. The necessity of talking, "What do you like, what do you not like?" and "what is too far, did I hurt you?" lend to greater communication which only strengthens the relationship.

 

This was a long thread, and I'm sure that I've left things out so feel free to ask questions.

[Randalls_angel 16]

I don't mean to sound snobby or like a know it all, and I've not yet read the entire forum, However you are mistaken in your definition of Sadism and Masochism.

 

I don't think you sounded like a snob at all. But the fact of the matter was, I was not attempting to define Sadism or Masochism, I was simply stating what most people define the letters in BDSM to stand for. B=Bondage, D=Domination or Discipline, S=Sadism or slavery, M=Masochism or Master or Mistress. I was not saying that all slaves or submissives are masochists, or that all Masters or Dominants are Sadists. Hell, I've even met some very sadistic subs!