Wife has different kind of sex with stranger

[John Constantine 0]

After a 3 month discussion, my wife and I decided to try opening our relationship (only sex-wise). I enjoyed it, enjoyed watching her and in some ways it strengthened our bond. At the same time it also brought about a few changes, noticeably in my wife and a few things I did not pay attention to before. Before opening our marriage, when we had sex, it was normal and good. I like having hard pounding sex but my wife usually stopped me and asked me to slow down and on a few occasions she would even stop the sex.

 

During our swinging adventure, I noticed that she had no problem letting our male partner have his way with her. I mean, he was drilling into her and she loved it and this is not sitting well with me. She knows I love the same thing and clearly it's not hurting her. Another change in her that I noticed is the way she conducts herself in the house. She started taking household decisions without me. She would come home late (I mean really late) from work and not even give me a call. She would give me some excuse the next day as if that is normal.

 

So one day we had the conversation. I sat her down and asked her if she is seeing someone behind my back. She swore no and I have no reason to distrust her. Right now, I don't know what to do. I don't like the way things are going, sex-wise or in my family. Am I losing my family? Has anyone else seen patterns like this in their life?

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

When she is with you, I'm sure that sometimes she just wants you to 'make love' with her. Not just use her, but show that you love and care for her. When she is with someone else, without the love and emotions, it can be okay to just be used. You need to be willing to give her what she wants at times. But the second part of your post is what is more disturbing. It sounds like you have given her some power and she is abusing it, probably because she isn't used to having it. Time for another talk, but maybe with your heart in your hand. You need to be more sensitive to her wants and needs, and she needs to then return in kind. Let her know how you are feeling since great relationships are built on love, trust and communication. You need to show her more love and communication. As for swinging, you need to stop until you can reestablish the trust in your relationship. Good luck and let us know how things are progressing.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

As a man, I would be unhappy to see my wife seem to enjoy another man one on one. I want to be her favorite.

 

Echoing GoldCo on the rest. Stop swinging for now.

[Bostonguitarist 25]

She’s trying to top you from the bottom.

If you decide this lifestyle is for you, get your shit squared away.

 

Otherwise there’s going to be severe consequences.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

There are what seem to be reasons for concern here.  Without knowing the entire history and dynamic of the relationship though, it is hard to know if this some innocent and not uncommon "feeling her oats" that some women experience due to finally being able to step outside the wife/mom role that has consumed their every waking minute for years and decades, or whether there is something more to it.  The only way to find out is just keep communicating about it. Not in an accusatory way, but in an open and understanding way. It takes two to make a relationship, so in some ways she is a reflection of your actions/approach in the relationship, and you are reflection of hers.

[oldswinger64 111]

Changes occur in all relationships, for many different reasons.  Communication is the key.  regardless of how open and close a couple is in a relationship, both parties often hold a few things back from the other due to embarrassment, not wanting to hurt the other, worried the other will look at them differently, and not sure of their own feelings and why they are feeling the way they are.  All of those things need to be brought out into the open and discussed.  I do not believe any relationship can go through the opening of a marriage without a few bumps in the road.

[Anon321 522]

The sex my GF has with other guys is different than the sex we have also.  The sex we have is more love making and passionate and with them it's dirtier and rougher.  But I am perfectly happy with that arrangement.  If that doesn't work for you then you should talk to her about it.  And if she comes home late from work tell her to do you the courtesy of letting you at least know so that you know she's safe and you don't have to worry about her.  Just keep communicating about all of this.

[Numex 2,415]

On 6/25/2022 at 10:32 PM, John Constantine said:

I sat her down and asked her if she is seeing someone behind my back. She swore no and I have no reason to distrust her. Right now, I don't know what to do.

My approach would be not to be so confrontational.  Tell her that if she is seeing someone else that's ok, but you would like to know about it.  That's what I told my wife when we first got into the lifestyle with my urging with her playing alone.  Worked for us, we were both happier.  We moved on to playing within a closed group of couples, so I play now too; worked out great.  The only other rule we have is no married men unless the wife knows and approves.  We both play alone and don't necessarily talk about it in detail, but we know when one of us is connecting with someone else in our group.

Edited July 2, 2022 by Numex

[NC_Seniors 518]

1 hour ago, Numex2 said:

Tell her that if she is seeing someone else that's ok, but you would like to know about it.

Except that maybe he’s *not* OK with it? ‘cos it sure sounds that way to me from what he wrote.

[Numex 2,415]

4 hours ago, NC_Seniors said:

Except that maybe he’s *not* OK with it? ‘cos it sure sounds that way to me from what he wrote.

 

On 6/25/2022 at 10:32 PM, John Constantine said:

After a 3 month discussion, my wife and I decided to try opening our relationship

 

[NC_Seniors 518]

Numex — Yes, the OP *did* write, “After a 3 month discussion, my wife and I decided to try opening our relationship”, which I took to mean they were OK having sex with others, and in fact they’ve done so in each other’s presence. However, he didn’t say they’d decided to have an OPEN relationship … that’s a very different thing! Pretty much everything he wrote after his second sentence indicate that he’s definitely *not* OK with his wife having a relationship outside of their marriage. He wrote that he even “asked her if she is seeing someone behind my back”, so why would you counsel him to say if it’s fine with him when it sounds to me that it’s not? Am I missing something here?

[Numex 2,415]

12 hours ago, NC_Seniors said:

Pretty much everything he wrote after his second sentence indicate that he’s definitely *not* OK with his wife having a relationship outside of their marriage. He wrote that he even “asked her if she is seeing someone behind my back”, so why would you counsel him to say if it’s fine with him when it sounds to me that it’s not? Am I missing something here?

I agree with what you are saying and what the poster's current attitude is.  My suggestion is that he perhaps consider changing course and adjust his attitude.  Many people here are comfortable with their spouses playing alone or with another couple.  I do agree that she needs to be honest with him.

 

He should consider that if he is ok for his wife to have sex with someone else, why isn't ok for them to care about each other?  I much prefer that a guy that my wife is screwing cares about her and doesn't just treat her as a cum dump.  It's reassuring to me that should anything happen to me he and his wife both care about Daniela.

[John Constantine 0]

On 6/26/2022 at 10:02 AM, John Constantine said:

After a 3 month discussion, my wife and I decided to try opening our relationship (only sex-wise). I enjoyed it, enjoyed watching her and in some ways it strengthened our bond. At the same time it also brought about a few changes, noticeably in my wife and a few things I did not pay attention to before. Before opening our marriage, when we had sex, it was normal and good. I like having hard pounding sex but my wife usually stopped me and asked me to slow down and on a few occasions she would even stop the sex.

 

During our swinging adventure, I noticed that she had no problem letting our male partner have his way with her. I mean, he was drilling into her and she loved it and this is not sitting well with me. She knows I love the same thing and clearly it's not hurting her. Another change in her that I noticed is the way she conducts herself in the house. She started taking household decisions without me. She would come home late (I mean really late) from work and not even give me a call. She would give me some excuse the next day as if that is normal.

 

So one day we had the conversation. I sat her down and asked her if she is seeing someone behind my back. She swore no and I have no reason to distrust her. Right now, I don't know what to do. I don't like the way things are going, sex-wise or in my family. Am I losing my family? Has anyone else seen patterns like this in their life?

 

 

Sorry for the late response guys, I had to find some resolve to my situation. As it happens, she is seeing someone else and she owned up to it after a few confrontations. I felt really cheated and gave her a piece of my mind. I took some of the advice I got in the replies and took it in strides and patiently. The someone she is seeing is the same guy she had sex with during our open sessions. She told me that she did not feel comfortable doing it in front of me. I asked her why and she keeps saying I don't know or it feels weird. The whole point of opening our marriage was to be in this together and she feels weird about it but she does not want to stop it. I asked her if she is okay with me going out and sleeping with other women behind her back and she said she was okay with that. Although, I have to say her consent seemed unconvincing or reluctant at best. Now, I haven't slept around or anything and I'm not sure if that is the way to go. In the long run it may hurt our marriage. She is still seeing her man. I have a few prospects lined up for me. Am I doing this right? After re-reading my reply, it felt like I am losing my family to be honest.

[reveur 60]

May be the jalousie let you seen things that already exist and you have not before perceived and now you Sieht it with a new angel. 

Or you are not ready for lifestyle. 

[couplers 4,638]

7 hours ago, John Constantine said:

took it in strides and patiently.

I admire your tolerance, maturity and love.

7 hours ago, John Constantine said:

she is seeing someone else and she owned up to it ... I asked her why and she keeps saying I don't know or it feels weird. . . I asked her if she is okay with me going out and sleeping with other women behind her back and she said she was okay with that... I have a few prospects lined up for me. Am I doing this right?

Some people are like that, they want to play and have their spouse play, but don't want to do it together (alone play).  Some don't even want to talk about it.  I'm not going to say whether you two should stop, but if you continue, you should play and tell your wife about it, before and after.  Perhaps that will get her to talk about her play sessions and feel normal about it, then do it together. 

[Davdia 119]

9 hours ago, John Constantine said:

 

 

Sorry for the late response guys, I had to find some resolve to my situation. As it happens, she is seeing someone else and she owned up to it after a few confrontations. I felt really cheated and gave her a piece of my mind. I took some of the advice I got in the replies and took it in strides and patiently. The someone she is seeing is the same guy she had sex with during our open sessions. She told me that she did not feel comfortable doing it in front of me. I asked her why and she keeps saying I don't know or it feels weird. The whole point of opening our marriage was to be in this together and she feels weird about it but she does not want to stop it. I asked her if she is okay with me going out and sleeping with other women behind her back and she said she was okay with that. Although, I have to say her consent seemed unconvincing or reluctant at best. Now, I haven't slept around or anything and I'm not sure if that is the way to go. In the long run it may hurt our marriage. She is still seeing her man. I have a few prospects lined up for me. Am I doing this right? After re-reading my reply, it felt like I am losing my family to be honest.

First let me say how sorry I am for what’s happening with you. I’m sure once again I will not be the voice of the masses.

Simply speaking swinging is when everyone involved is completely transparent from the beginning.

add even one ounce of  deception and it becomes cheating.
SHE IS A CHEATER!!! 
She not only cheated, she lied about it on more than one occasion. She’s been carrying on behind your back even after you tried to swing to give her variety. Some people will tell to forgive and move on, personally I would shut the whole thing down and confront him, and have a chat with his spouse.
She said she did it behind your back because she felt weird, ask her how she thinks it would feel to find out you were fucking around behind her back?

Honest people make good swinging partners, cheaters always cause drama and kill marriages.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swinging is something you do WITH your partner, cheating is something you do without your partners knowledge and behind their back. She IS cheating on you and that is not swinging. That 'it feels weird' thinking about doing it with you is just further proof. She needs to stop seeing this guy immediately and you both need to stop swinging until your relationship can be strong enough and you have trust enough to know she isn't doing this without you again.

[enhancer 1,585]

It doesn’t matter if you are a swinger or in an open relationship cheating and lying are still just as bad as if you are in a monogamous relationship!  If it happened to me all other play would end immediately and it would take me a lot to ever trust that person again.  If they refused to stop what they are doing they would be doing it without me by their side.  I have way to much self esteem and self worth to allow that shit to happen to me and nobody is worth putting up with that kind of disrespect.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

This has danger written all over it. If I were you, I'd pull the plug on the open marriage until you get your relationship back in order. Swinging is NOT based on deception. Ever. If she refuses to give up her boyfriend, then you have all the information you need. She will be saying she values her boyfriend more than she values your relationship together. The sooner you pull the plug, the better, if there's to be any chance of saving this relationship.

[discreetplay 235]

 

On 9/8/2022 at 11:09 PM, John Constantine said:

The whole point of opening our marriage was to be in this together and she feels weird about it but she does not want to stop it.

She feels weird because she has feeling for this other guy. It isn't just sex. It is new, exciting...she feels young again, desired. This is a very steep and very slippery slope. My experience is that it is a one-way street...in the wrong direction.

 

(1) Stop the open marriage. (2) Marriage counseling. (3) While doing the counseling, consult an attorney.

[Numex 2,415]

On 10/6/2022 at 7:40 AM, discreetplay said:

She feels weird because she has feeling for this other guy. It isn't just sex. It is new, exciting...she feels young again, desired.

That's why we are all in this hobby, especially being excited, feeling young again and desired.  As for "feelings for this other guy", my wife and I see that as a normal part of having sex with regular partners, and a good thing.  If she still loves you, that's all that matters.  

 

On 10/6/2022 at 7:40 AM, discreetplay said:

My experience is that it is a one-way street...in the wrong direction.

Our experience has been the opposite.  We care for others we play with, even exchange "I love you"s with our special partners, but thus far it has only made our marriage stronger.

 

Before we met and married, Daniela had loving relationships mostly with married men.  She has told me that she didn't break up any marriages, but strengthened most of them - meeting the wife (a "chance" meeting at a coffee shop on a Saturday) and speaking well of her to the husband, telling the husband to take the gift he had bought Daniela and give it to his wife, even picking out and buying gifts for the wives on her birthday, their anniversary.  Even the wife that found out and "confronted" Daniela ended up going out with her to dinner and staying in contact afterwards.  Weird I know, but my wife is strange in that regard.

[herpob 563]

On 6/27/2022 at 11:10 AM, GoldCoCouple said:

When she is with you, I'm sure that sometimes she just wants you to 'make love' with her. Not just use her, but show that you love and care for her. When she is with someone else, without the love and emotions, it can be okay to just be used. 

I know the OP is long gone and hopefully has it all worked out. I am commenting for the sake of wanting to comment on this portion of this post for future readers. I totally get the above. Even given my very liberal sexual background and even when we met in at several sex parties, when my husband & I married mostly what I wanted from him was, "to be made love to." Sure we had those sex it up times but it was years before I craved them. I had been used and then some. Over time when we'd RP I would get into it so wild my husband said I was an entirely different person. The rest of the time it was sweet, kind, loving, so different. When the RP headed towards DP I learned it could be as intimate if not more. Over more time I discovered hard core sex for us on occasion became as intimate, well connected, bonded, and loving as the tender sweet moments. I still love sweet sex but we both connect in so many ways doing so many things these days, even with others involved. With all of that said, there is something totally different about when the ladies or the other husbands ravage me than when my husband does. It is way more raw with others.

[couplers 4,638]

9 hours ago, herpob said:

Over time when we'd RP I would get into it so wild my husband said I was an entirely different person. The rest of the time it was sweet, kind, loving, so different.

I've come to understand that when David or Red (or sometimes even both) comes to me just for a quick bang, it is actually sweet, kind love.  With two other women in the family, when it happens I'm actually flattered.  And they are considerate to make certain that I get off (not very difficult) as well.

 

Interestingly, the role playing stuff happens more between us women.  Especially Lora and me - we go through a ritual of insults, fighting, informal light s&m before making sweet, kind, gentle love.