A couple you’ve met in LS setting that you’re not interested in, courting you..

[Globug 0]

So, a month or two ago a couple reached out to us on SDC.

 

I ignored they’re introduction because nothing about their profile appealed to us.  

 

Then we ran into them by accident when we went to another LS couples house.

 

They are super nice and friendly, and lovely people, we’re just not interested in them sexually (either one of us, which is rare).

 

Then we ran into them again at another event and had great conversations with them and others.

 

 Again, a very nice couple that we’re just not attracted to.

 

Now, they are reaching out via SDC messenger, asking to have us over at their place.

 

I just don’t know how to say what I should say, is that “we’re just not interested in you sexually”..

 

How do you deal with this?

[2totryit 27]

Just tell them you want to keep it on a friendship level?  Shouldn't be too difficult.

[njbm 2,869]

Agree. Just say you really like them personally, you want to have a friendship, but at this point you don’t want to take it further. The funny thing is if you socialize with them and enjoy their company, you may find them attractive and appealing. We’ve met people who, if we only saw their pictures, we never would have done them. But they were charming. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

"Thanks for the gracious invitation. We respectfully decline. Good luck on your journey."

No explanation is needed or should be expected. 

 

[njbm 2,869]

40 minutes ago, Fundamental Law said:

"Thanks for the gracious invitation. We respectfully decline. Good luck on your journey."

No explanation is needed or should be expected. 

 

Do you think it is easier and more respectful to say no to this couples entreaties altogether and not offer them a chance at friendship without benefits?

[TeamCalgary 168]

njbm, you raise a fair point above. 

 

Here is our take on this and it is predicated on the response of our esteemed colleague, FL. 

We agree fully with their response given this; what the is context of the LS? 

What separates it from joining a book club, bowling league, etc. 

 

The answer of course if sex. 

Sex sets the context in the LS and everything is illuminated by it in this environment. 

 

 

[lcmim 1,082]

There is a couple.

We have played with them and shared vanilla adventures as well. Everyone appeared to enjoy both.

We still exchange birthday and holiday greetings and keep up on health and other things. We share books and discuss our very divergent political views in a mutually satisfying way. We have common religious beliefs, marital histories.

 

Play time has disappeared without comment. 

 

Why? We haven't a clue. 

 

The nature of our conversations and visits would make a "friends, but not like that" or a "we are stepping back" comment understandable and would cause no offense. They are still good company and having a history just makes it better.

 

Clarity, on this one thing though, is sadly lacking.

 

My vote goes towards anything which acknowledges the good parts and places a clear " no thanks in this one area"  on the table.

Explanations, if any, would depend on the mechanics of our relationship.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

 

32 minutes ago, TeamCalgary said:

njbm, you raise a fair point above. 

 

Here is our take on this and it is predicated on the response of our esteemed colleague, FL. 

We agree fully with their response given this; what the is context of the LS? 

What separates it from joining a book club, bowling league, etc. 

 

The answer of course if sex. 

Sex sets the context in the LS and everything is illuminated by it in this environment. 

 

 

The core issue might be "managing expectations". When the initial encounter is via LS site or at an LS gathering, the expectations are around sex--Team Calgary's eloquent post speaks to this point. On the other hand, we have LS friends where the ongoing basis of our durable relationship is distant from that physical contact. They remain friends because of shared attitudes and perspectives and values--in this sense the expectations did not need to be managed, the relationship simply evolved. In the LS, then, evolving to the "friend zone" is neither unusual nor is it a sign of failure. Starting and staying "in the friend zone" is quite separate from the expectation, and therein lies the concern. 

 

We'll end with an invitation to a fun 3-part thought-experiment...

 

1. Imagine those in this conversation (and others who are commonly in (y)our threads) are instantaneously transported to a very nice cocktail party or reception. We are all recognizable to each other (perhaps there are magic 'name bubbles' above our heads). Who are you eager to meet, what (topics of) conversation would you look forward to having, what other couples do you think would gravitate over and join in?

 

2. Imagine those in this conversation (and others who are commonly in (y)our threads) are instantaneously transported to a family oriented nude beach or resort. Purely G-rated, other than no camouflage by clothes. Yes, there is a pool or beach so that you can cool off. Once again, we are all recognizable to each other. Does the fact that we are nude change any of the "who do you want to meet, what do you want to chat about, who is likely to join in?"

 

3. Imagine those in this conversation (and others who are commonly in (y)our threads are instantaneously transported to a private house party at the home of one of those couples. The host and hostess greet you at the door, give you the quick tour of the house including the play areas, the hot tub, the basement with the sex swing and Sybian, and then bring you back to the living room/kitchen area where all the others are. Yes, those name bubbles are still there for instant non-awkward recognition. Who do you want to meet, what do you want to chat about, who is likely to join in? Here, we'll add one more question--is your focus on the organ behind the eyes or the ones between the thighs?

[Roliin75 53]

I think this scenario is not terribly uncommon to those in the lifestyle.  We have met many people in the lifestyle.  Some we play with, some we do not.  We are SO grateful when those we choose not to play with seem to simply either be on the same page, or understand.

 

We do find it difficult when a couple we have never played with invites us to their home for an afternoon or evening.  If we have interest, we would simply go and hope that's what they are looking for.   The problem is if we like them as friends but have no interest in anything more.  We are still never sure how to handle this without simply making excuses and not going.

[lcmim 1,082]

As my daughter frequently says to one of her young ones when they are having difficulty coping.

 

"Use your words!"

[enhancer 1,585]

We would just be honest and say sorry we are not interested!  That should be enough.  If we are not physically attracted to people that will not change regardless of how nice they are or how well we get along.  We have many friends who we get along with great that we have absolutely zero want to have sex with.  There is no point making them think there might be a chance for more down the line if there isn’t. 

[TeamCalgary 168]

What we want to know is when/where is thought experiment going to be held?

We discussed this and we would like to pick door #3 please, lol. 

 

As usual FL, you get us all thinking!

[TeamCalgary 168]

We would like to add one thing further. 

 

With regard to the three scenarios you present above FL, we may wish to consider this;

which one is the most "authentic"?

 

FL, the three scenarios you present, in our little minds at least, have been offered in ascending order of "honesty".

As we as creatures, remove our clothes, remove our status, occupation, monetary holdings, we become "stripped"

of societies labels, expectations, etc. We then are free to present ourselves to the world as who we truly are,

bereft of expectations, bias, class, etc. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

1 hour ago, TeamCalgary said:

We would like to add one thing further. 

 

With regard to the three scenarios you present above FL, we may wish to consider this;

which one is the most "authentic"?

 

 

We think all  three settings are authentic. Certainly we have attended all three types of gatherings. (What makes this a thought experiment is the idea that those who are reading and contributing are transported to each of these settings and we bypass the "oh that's what you look like in real life" adjustment.)

 

1. Let's  use the vanilla cocktail party/reception as a reference point. It clarifies that there is a distinction between our public faces and our private lives. The topics of conversation--how we interact with others--provide edited and curated glimpses (editing declines with alcohol levels) of those private lives. 

 

2. In "simple nudity" settings, the topics don't change; we do find that we look people in the eye when speaking and listening, and we are more attentive. If a sensitive topic (religion, politics, ...) surfaces, we find that our instinct to contrast 'their view' with 'our view' is replaced by genuine curiosity--why do they think what they think? We are all naked and thus physically (and maybe otherwise) vulnerable.  We'll add that smiles and humor are common, and as you point out the absence of clothing makes it crystal clear that "we are what we think and say and feel" as opposed to "how we dress, where we are in the workforce" etc.   We'll add that while people can manipulate their apparent age with makeup, surgery, and textile illusions, our skin envelopes, scars,  and posture speak volumes about the time we have spent on the planet.  Overall, there is a unique honesty that goes along with shedding clothes in a social setting. 

 

3. In the house party setting, it's mostly about play--blurring the distinction between "reality" and "fantasy". Our (collective) presence at the gathering acknowledges that those private lives exist and some of our fantasies are unabashedly erotic. It is an authentic and yet involves affirmations: the standard question ("what was your path into the lifestyle?" ) is more than mere curiosity, it signals that just about any path is valid, a sort of mutual reassurance you/we are among friends. (Social nudity settings might get to "so when did you first go skinny-dipping" but there's rarely a hint of "what led you to go naked?"--it's just taken as a given that naked is natural. Adult play, erotic play, fantasy and its fulfillment...not so much.)  Eventually, the conversation turns to exploring those fantasies, or more precisely with whom? 

 

Different from the vanilla gathering, where it's expected that people mingle, move on to the next couple, and different from the simple nude gathering, where spaces (the conversation pool, the volleyball court, the bar,...) signal that changing groups and activities is encouraged, house parties are ultimately about making a connection, or two, or three...thus moving on to a different conversation (read: a different couple) has a different and more negative connotation that is setting-specific--"thanks but no thanks".  The extent to which any of us alter our conversation in this third setting (versus the second) says something about our confidence and comfort with what we see as interesting and attractive about ourselves. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sunday 119]

We're not on any websites so admittedly, I've never had that experience.  But, we'll sometimes hook-up with a couple in the club and they'll ask if we'd like to hang-out in a vanilla setting - "go out to dinner" is the most common ask.  My wife immediately says "No way!"  or "why?" - if they've experienced her for 5 minutes, they already know of her sarcastic wit, so, the initial response is always laughter and we immediately move on to something else. 

 

But we never return to the subject so the message gets across.

Neither of us have any interest in new friendships with other couples - just sex.  If they're good/hot, we'll sometimes shoot them a text to say we'll be at a particular sex club this Sat if they wanna meet-up there - but that's it.

Friends and sexual exploration shall never meet in our world - the two always remain separate.

👍

Edited July 12, 2022 by Sunday

[samandtammi 99]

Sunday,

I love your honesty!!!!  Kudos to you!  

[samandtammi 99]

On 7/11/2022 at 12:42 PM, lcmim said:

As my daughter frequently says to one of her young ones when they are having difficulty coping.

 

"Use your words!"

I'm curious to know, if this was a response to Rollin75, what exactly you would say to couples that you like as friends but do not want to play with.

[lcmim 1,082]

"what exactly you would say to couples that you like as friends but do not want to play with."

 

We like as friends but do not want to play with you.