Interested in the lifestyle

[Rednurse 4]

I'm a straight female. My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs. He recently cheated on me with a coworker as we were missing the emotional and intellectual side of our married. He found those in his coworker. He did confess to me about the affair as the guilt and shame were killing him. We have talked about the possibility of swinging or throuple. We are working on rebuilding trust, as I have hurt him in the past. I was willing to chose my job over family and I was dealing with my own mental health issues and faked hanging myself to get attention from him. I know all of that sounds horrible and I should have never done that. I deeply regret doing it. I was in a dark place at the time. We are in counseling and we are communicating better. My fear is that I will not like the lifestyle and he will leave or I will not be willing to try the lifestyle and he will leave. Part of me is curious about the lifestyle but I don't know how to get comfortable with him having sex with another woman and I don't know how to get comfortable having sex with another woman if we were to do the throuple thing. I do find other women physically attractive but not sexually attractive. I have so many questions, concerns, and fears. I'm looking for insight. Sorry for the scatter brained post. Any and all information would be greatly appreciated. 

[NC_Seniors 518]

I’ll keep this short and sweet … you’re nowhere NEAR ready to try swinging! The LifeStyle is for couples whose relationship is rock solid … yours isn’t even close. Keep working on you as a couple before you even consider adding other people to the mix. To do otherwise will be the end of your marriage.

[reveur 60]

Lifestyle only works in solid marriages that are based on trust and honesty.
I wish you success.

[couplers 4,638]

You two are talking and in counseling, so that's a start.  Would some form of the lifestyle be good for you?  No one knows at this point, including you folks.

 

My suggestion would be just to talk about it.  Each of you saying not what you want, but how you could be happy for the other to enjoy some sexual freedoms.  If each of you can't easily say that you would like to see the other with some else, having a wonderful time screwing, then forget it for now.  If on the other hand, you guys end up turned on, in bed talking more about it.... continue to talk.  Talk about what you both would like to do, MFM, FFM, full swap.  Then continue to let it sink in for at least a couple of months. 

 

Good luck and keep us updated. 

Edited July 19, 2022 by couplers

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Swingers MUST have an abundance of love, trust, and honesty to be successful. You are currently lacking seemingly all three.

 

Cheating is NEVER swinging. Swinging is something that a couple does together (no matter if it is swinging as a couple, hot wife, cuck, open marriage, etc), in the open, with love and full knowledge of what is going on. Cheating is done alone, in the dark, and filled with lies and deceit. Cheating is the exact opposite of swinging.

 

Swinging will make a rock solid, great relationship even better, but it does it by working as a magnifying glass. If there are ANY cracks or flaws it will magnify them, making them bigger and much easier to see. It WILL destroy a relationship that is already having problems.

 

You are nowhere near ready to even be thinking about swinging. It will not solve your problems, just accelerate them. You need to be working on saving your relationship, if that is what you want to do. You may think that swinging will help 'save' your relationship, but it is just giving him a license to keep cheating on you. We wish you the best, and please know that we are here to listen and try and help as you go through this, but we cannot suggest you get into swinging at this time, or any time soon.

[Bostonguitarist 25]

You lack not only trust, but the mindset 

This isn’t a cure all 

This is a lifestyle 

[couplers 4,638]

The issue isn't really one of swinging, it could be any undertaking that requires commitment and sacrifice from both of you.  You could be posting on sailorsboard.com asking if buying a sailboat would be good for your relationship; it may or it may not.  But both of you need to know what the other is thinking: how much to spend, how big a boat, a day-sailer or something to spend overnights?  Maybe you should rent first.

 

Same with opening up your sex lives.  And if there are too many rules (more than one each) you're not ready.  Neither of you can get upset or mad because your husband kissed her or you let some guy go into your bum.

 

Finally, not all marriages are worth continuing.  I don't understand all the couples who are proud that they put up with decades of misery in a loveless, sexless marriage, like their running a marathon.  Think it all through.

Edited July 19, 2022 by couplers

[lovefest04 699]

We would run far away from a couple with this kind of baggage.

 

The last thing you two should be doing is swinging. Work on you first, a lot, then maybe at some point reconsider swinging.

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm not going to say "this isn't for you", but "this isn't for you right now".

 

There's so much hurt in this post, and so many unanswered questions - like why your husband is asking for this and what you think it will solve. If you were swinging happily and any of these things happened, the advice from the responsible people here would be "it's time to take a break and focus on yourselves as a couple".

 

Focus on yourselves as a couple. Build on that. This is 100% not a curative for mistrust, anxiety, or depression.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

You have received lots of good feedback so far.  A couple of observations.

 

1. You identified a serious issue in your relationship--emotional distance--that led to a serious threat to your marriage. You understand that his affair was a symptom of a deeper problem. That takes insight. 

 

2. You care enough about your marriage to have chosen counseling together. That takes a great deal of maturity and even more courage. 

 

3. You have come here asking about non-monogamy, presumably as a way to "balance" his infidelity.  That approach to the lifestyle and swinging is doomed to failure and will almost certainly doom your marriage, 

 

Your 'faked hanging' is a common expression of emotional pain so severe that death seems like a reasonable alternative. This is why a "jealous rage" culminates in suicide as often as it does homicide. You were terrified of abandonment, and even more terrified that you were being abandoned precisely because you had starved him of affection and (intellectual) stimulation, and even more terrified that you had permanently harmed him by your emotional distance.  

 

There is hope, 

 

We know a couple--we met them on an LS cruise--that was in a similar situation. She was starved of affection and emotional connection, he carried enormous guilt, their marriage was literally dissolving before their eyes. 

 

He got it. He changed his life to focus on her and on them. They are now among the happiest people we are proud to call friends. They ended up truly happy--and found their way to the LS. But that was a by-product of re-imagining their relationship. 

[Rednurse 4]

@Fundamental Law are you saying that I need to change my life and focus on my husband? Cause that is what I think I'm trying to do by learning about swinging or throuples. I'm focused on him and trying to understand and see from his point of view. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

4 hours ago, Rednurse said:

@Fundamental Law are you saying that I need to change my life and focus on my husband? Cause that is what I think I'm trying to do by learning about swinging or throuples. I'm focused on him and trying to understand and see from his point of view. 

Rednurse...sent you a PM a couple of days ago as well. Not sure you have seen it. 

 

Short answer, no. You mentioned you had already embarked on counseling together. As you are likely learning, you (plural) came to the crisis together, and you must emerge from it together.  It's more than your actions and his actions, it's about how you see your (plural, shared) future. It's more than "seeing things from his point of view"; it's wanting to share a shared vision. 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Yes, at this point, giving into what he wants is a sure recipe for disaster. Is he actually asking you to consider playing with the person he was/is cheating with? Even with us being swingers, we have to say that's just crazy. CHEATING IS NOT SWINGING, it is the opposite of swinging. Unfortunately, the choices are on his side right now. He needs to decide if he wants to try and repair your relationship or leave you (since it sounds like your only choice: staying or leaving, has already been made). If he decides to stay, then the two of you need to try and work together to repair the damage HE caused. This will take time and a great deal of effort. If you try to pursue swinging at this time, your relationship is doomed. You will be sending the message that he can do whatever he wants, without repercussions, until he finds something he considers 'better' than you. YOU deserve better than that. Swinging will not fix your relationship, it will just help end it. Don't do this.

[Rednurse 4]

My husband wants to repair our relationship. That's why we're still in counseling, why he comes home everyday and why we are still communicating. He is not asking that we bring the person he cheated on me with into the picture, he is wanting me to grow as a person and explore my sexuality. We have started talking about what turns us on and our kinks. I know there's a lot we need to work on before we start down this path. I greatly appreciate all of you insight. One of my worries is that his patience will run out and he'll slip up again. I have a lot of insecurities about myself. Like why am I not good enough, what could I have done better, why didn't I see this before and change something. I have really bad social anxiety and it's extremely hard for me to just go up and talk to people. He wants me to be more confident in myself. I know what I just said doesn't relate to this topic but I feel that it's not helping us to become stronger.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Rednurse, these are real issues that you can work with your therapist upon.

 

It's important to understand that swinging never solves anything. If there's going to be problems because you don't swing, there's going to be problems if you do swing. If he's going to slip up again because his patience runs out, there's no strong basis on which the two of you should be swinging.

 

There's an oft quoted piece of advice here which rings absolutely true here; a couple needs to move into swinging at the speed of the slower of the two. It should never be pressured, it should never feel pushed. Couples usually do it by opening doors for each other, communicating at a very deep level, never engaging in any judgment of one another - most especially when these deepest thoughts and emotions are being brought out to the other partner.

 

Right now, I would venture to guess that there are serious trust issues. The trust has to be built up again to the point where it's a given, and you can't imagine either of you ever doing something to damage it again.

 

There should never be a question of why you're supposedly not good enough. It's perfectly well and good to analyze how you can be a better partner to your husband. That's a positive thing. Dwelling in self doubt about how good you are is counterproductive to yourself. If you truly believe you're not good enough, it's going to be a very, very bitter pill to see your husband having sex with another woman and enjoying it.

 

Please do keep posting; we're happy to listen and offer what insight we can.

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

Alright, you faked a suicide attempt . You shouldn't even be thinking about Swinging for a very, very long time. It should't even be on the table until you both have seriously healed. I'm not asking you to feel badly about a faked suicide attempt, I'm saying that you're so far away from your marriage being a priority, much less THE priority, that you should not be seeking additional partners.

[couplers 4,638]

On 7/23/2022 at 8:27 AM, Rednurse said:

he is wanting me to grow as a person and explore my sexuality.

If your husband is genuine about this (a big "if") it's a good thing.

 

On 7/23/2022 at 8:27 AM, Rednurse said:

I have a lot of insecurities about myself. Like why am I not good enough, what could I have done better, why didn't I see this before and change something.

That is BS. You are good enough, your husband is not necessarily appreciative enough.  Or you two are not (or no longer) are a match and you should think about your life post-marriage.  We can all improve ourselves, that's a worthy goal, but don't change anything that isn't fundamentally wrong.

 

May I ask, what, if anything, turns you on about swinging?  Having a boyfriend?  Girlfriend?  Group sex? Watching your husband?  Joining him?  The reason I ask is to see if this is for you, with your husband or someone else. 

 

Take care,

Petra

[couplers 4,638]

OK, I'm going on about this too much, but another thought.

 

Plan in the alternative, either you're going to stay with your husband or not.  So what do you need to do?  In either case, it's the same: think about yourself and what self-improvement you want to undertake.  Start working out, or work out harder.  Explore online (as you are doing here) what interests you.  Read up.

 

Plan a trip, even if it's five years out.  All those things in your life that are untapped potential, unfulfilled joys.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Until you have COMPLETE trust in your partner, and you certainly shouldn't have that right now, swinging will not work for you. Every time you are with another person or couple, you will be thinking if he is planning on replacing you with that person. I glad to see that he wants to try and repair the relationship and that you are both getting counseling. I'm also glad to see that you have come back here and continue to follow up with what is happening...we appreciate that since so many times someone posts and ghosts.

 

You ARE good enough...more than good enough. The problem is we become complacent with just about anything. If you drink only the finest, most expensive wine and nothing else, a glass of water (being that is something different) is going to taste wonderful...for awhile. The fault is not yours, it's just something that can happen unless you (and in this case, he) realize the rare gift that has been given and remembered, on a daily basis. Rarely a lesson that is easily learned.

 

Just keep talking, as long as you are both talking, things should keep getting better. Good luck and we remain here for you.

[Bostonguitarist 25]

26 minutes ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Until you have COMPLETE trust in your partner, and you certainly shouldn't have that right now, swinging will not work for you. Every time you are with another person or couple, you will be thinking if he is planning on replacing you with that person. I glad to see that he wants to try and repair the relationship and that you are both getting counseling. I'm also glad to see that you have come back here and continue to follow up with what is happening...we appreciate that since so many times someone posts and ghosts.

 

You ARE good enough...more than good enough. The problem is we become complacent with just about anything. If you drink only the finest, most expensive wine and nothing else, a glass of water (being that is something different) is going to taste wonderful...for awhile. The fault is not yours, it's just something that can happen unless you (and in this case, he) realize the rare gift that has been given and remembered, on a daily basis. Rarely a lesson that is easily learned.

 

Just keep talking, as long as you are both talking, things should keep getting better. Good luck and we remain here for you.

Well stated

[AndrewandAnn 360]

On 7/18/2022 at 11:42 PM, Rednurse said:

I'm a straight female. My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs. He recently cheated on me with a coworker as we were missing the emotional and intellectual side of our married. He found those in his coworker. He did confess to me about the affair as the guilt and shame were killing him. We have talked about the possibility of swinging or throuple. We are working on rebuilding trust, as I have hurt him in the past. I was willing to chose my job over family and I was dealing with my own mental health issues and faked hanging myself to get attention from him. I know all of that sounds horrible and I should have never done that. I deeply regret doing it. I was in a dark place at the time. We are in counseling and we are communicating better. My fear is that I will not like the lifestyle and he will leave or I will not be willing to try the lifestyle and he will leave. Part of me is curious about the lifestyle but I don't know how to get comfortable with him having sex with another woman and I don't know how to get comfortable having sex with another woman if we were to do the throuple thing. I do find other women physically attractive but not sexually attractive. I have so many questions, concerns, and fears. I'm looking for insight. Sorry for the scatter brained post. Any and all information would be greatly appreciated. 

You asked, so here goes:

 

After reading your post, I can say that you have done one thing that is genuinely a step in the right directions: Engaging in counseling. That's where the good news ends.

 

Faking your own suicide to get attention? This is an outward sign that you are in the midst of a serious mental health crisis, one that will take a great deal of time, effort, and intensive professional intervention to help you resolve. Your husband having an affair and he feels so terribly guilty he's suggesting you become a "throuple" with another woman?  And, this seems like this may be a good idea to you? Yikes.

 

The idea that you would want to introduce outside sexual partners at this time in your lives is... beyond anything that resembles sensibility or good judgement. Being blunt, you two are exhibiting some very unhealthy thoughts and actions in the extreme.

 

Put swinging *completely* out of your minds, ditch this forum, and turn back to your counselor with your thoughts and questions. You need the concentrated, singular, graduated, timely messaging of a licensed professional to get you through this. What you do not need is to add more clouds and haze from nameless, faceless Internet folks playing arm chair therapists, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

 

Good luck.