Third wheel

[Thirdwheeler 1]

So me and my wife have been going to a few swinger clubs around our town and we are on a few websites. Just a bit about us; she was in the life before and introduced it to me she and her ex husband had great fun, she is an extrovert, constantly talking to people, cracking jokes having fun and just living in the element of the club and the mess of people. I'm introverted. We are both overweight and that made me not really want to swing cause I was afraid women wouldn't be generally interested in me, I'm not a chick magnet for sure never was but we met some people and I saw some heavy guys getting to have some fun so I started feeling a bit better about it. 

 

Well my fears have kind of been confirmed at least for me. We have been going to clubs off and on for nearly 2 yrs. The samething happens everytime; a couple/couples will approach, he is interested in my wife and they begin talking, I try to chat up the lady and she will make small talk but I get the sense immediately she really isn't interested, her body language is very telling. They always smile and are pleasant but not beyond that. While my wife and their husband are laughing and having a good time. They will disappear usually saying "we like to make the rounds we will be back" and they usually don't come back, we will see them talking up another couple, the lady is smiles and laughing totally different body language and then they will disappear to a private room or they will keep looking but never come back to us. My wife isn't phased she will sit with me chatting away in her element and even ask me if I see any ladies I like I should go talk to them. I will go and try but again, I guess I'm just not good at talking to women, they don't seem to respond or be open to even talking to me I feel. I'm not sure what to do, I feel like a third wheel keeping my wife from having the fun we are there for. My wife, love her to death, always pep talks me tells me they don't know what they are missing. I'm at the point I'm ready to just let her go play alone. She says she has no interest in doing that, we talked about it but I just feel like I'm holding her back and I don't like it.

 

  I dress nice, clean shave, fresh hair cut, good hygiene is what I'm saying so I just don't know what to do, since we have started swinging We both have started working out and I've lost 30lbs she has lost 10 (put on 80 after I got Covid I got long haul syndrome) but doesn't seem to matter I'm still getting the same response or lack there of really, maybe I'm just not meant to swing 🤔. Maybe I just answered my own question. 

[njbm 2,868]

I have a better idea than a club. Sign up for an online swingers’ site. Look for couples your age and physique. Ask them to meet you for vanilla drinks, coffee or a fairly priced restaurant meal. See how it goes. If you both like them, give it a couple a days, then send them a message and ask if they want to meet to play. 
 

A big loud club is not my scene. Your subtle charms may be better recognized in a smaller setting. It’s true for me. 

[Thirdwheeler 1]

Been on a few sites already for 3yrs no luck either. Thanks for the suggestion. We talked it over and we will just have to find some paid adult services to use I'm just not cut out for the scene. 

[njbm 2,868]

4 hours ago, Thirdwheeler said:

Been on a few sites already for 3yrs no luck either. Thanks for the suggestion. We talked it over and we will just have to find some paid adult services to use I'm just not cut out for the scene. 

If you are talking prostitutes, be careful. Is it legal in your state? I would also not have sex with a prostitute for fear of STIs and STDs. But you do you. 
 

By the way, why do you think you have had a lack of success in the lifestyle? Personality? Appearance? Is it possible to step it up in these categories and try harder? I’ve lost (and gained) weight. I do better at a lower weight. 

[TeamCalgary 168]

Hello Thirdwheeler.

 

Take heart my friend, the "lifestyle" welcomes all. 

You just need to find where you fit, and, you will. 

 

I'm a short, bald man and that frequently puts me out of contention for many women;

so we focus on those couples who are amenable to short men. Don't fish where the fish aren't. 

If people can not see your worth, that's there problem, not yours my friend. 

Everyone has preferences; respect that.

 

Don't spend your time as a couple chasing a couple where the wife clearly is not interested, move on. 

 

NJBM hit the nail on the head; many of us (especially introverts) do not do well in a setting set up for extroverts, such as a club.

Create/find settings that are amenable to your strengths. 

 

Again take heart; there are lots of us out here in the LS that don't fit the stereotype my friend. 

[Thirdwheeler 1]

I appreciate it but we have tried several; clubs, parties, websites, meet ups and never seem to find any women interested in playing with me specifically, dudes are always after the wife she has giant tittes and a gorgeous face plus she is just a fun girl. I have no idea how I end up with her, she sort of fell into my lap honestly.

 

This is what I've tried; lost weight, grown a beard, shaved my beard, had a mustache, goatee, clean shaven. Several different hair styles, I recently got glasses had the young lady help me find a pair that fits me fits my look. I've bought clothes, shoes, I have tattoos and ear rings. I take care of myself, Im Just an odd duck and I've been told more than I'd like to remember growning up by girls and women I'm ugly 🤣 so maybe I'm just ugly and I'm ok with that.....Im just lost at what to do. Im asking mainly for my wife cause she won't play unless I get too so 🤣 I don't think she will ever get too again. 

 

Thanks again for the advice. I guess I just don't know what else I can do really 🤨 it's frustrating I'm a smart person but I can't figure this out. 

 

I do workout and lift heavy, I teach Judo and Jujutsu, I play guitar, I have a physical job, Im handy, I've been told I can sing well, I speak a bit of another language enough to get by, I'm college educated. I'm 5'10 250lbs brown hair, Brown eyes, Im not bald but I do have a belly and a double chin crocked nose from getting it broken couple times fighting. My teeth aren't all messed up 🤣 I just fuck man it's like what do I do 🤣🤣 what do these women want? I have no idea, but I know what they don't want 😂. Ugh just frustrated.

 

Maybe I'm really a jerk and no one has told me or maybe I come off as one or I give  creepy/nice guy vibes. Im giving off some kind of red flags and I have no fucking clue what they could be.🥴

Edited August 12, 2022 by Thirdwheeler

[TeamCalgary 168]

May I offer you one more thing please. 

 

Frequently, when we meet other couples, especially for the first time, my wife is always looking for a sign of interest 

from the other husband; does he make eye contact with her, does he show interest in her, do he attempt to engage her,

what does his body language reveal, is he confident (not cocky). I have really taken to heart what she is always stating;

it has certainly helped me.  

 

Everyone likes to be paid a compliment and the ultimate compliment that you can give anyone is to pay attention to them,

especially to what they are saying. Women (and men) will talk all day with someone who is interested in what they have to say. 

[Thirdwheeler 1]

Thanks I don't think it's that but I will pay more attention to that sort of thing. I appreciate it. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

4-way chemistry is hard for everyone. It doesn't matter that much if you're overweight. It's hard to make chemistry flow evenly in all 4 directions no matter who you are.

As for us, as we've matured we've come to appreciate good three-way chemistry. A nice single male who we like and get along with is all we need, and the chemistry is much simpler.

[Thirdwheeler 1]

She has no desire to just have a single male join us and neither do I honestly. Thanks though

[Thirdwheeler 1]

Just an update we actually tried FetLife and it's a night and day difference. We have several couples lined up for this weekend hoping at least one actually shows up. 

[NoAngels 333]

Yeah FetLife just could be the thing for you. It’s perfect for freaks who want a kinky scene, dominated, bondage or SM. 

[Thegreyarea 100]

No one has said it yet but confidence is key. If you don’t have confidence, learn to “fake it til you make it.” I know for me personally if a woman is physically attractive but lacks confidence I’m usually not attracted to them. Learn to put yourself out there

[Thirdwheeler 1]

No one showed up we had four couples lined up and two single ladies. 1 by 1 they all cancelled on us. Frustrating. Everyone says confidence, I have no idea what that means honestly. I use open body language, Im direct, I ask questions, I stand erect, I look them in the eye, smile....I just 🤣 I just keep coming back too, I don't think I'm cut out for this life style, Id like to be but I'm just not, never was great with people or making friends etc etc. I'm better with a book and a cup of coffee. Ugh thanks Peps