New here: Want to learn more about swinging

[welove2learn4play 2]

We are new to the boards. Married young 20 years ago. Great sex life. We dirty talk about our fantasies, some light BDSM and we roll play about swinging, but aren’t sure how to approach taking it beyond our marriage or how to explore if that’s what we really want. There are so many interesting and encouraging posts here. Not sure where to begin. 
 

Thanks for any advice. 
 

 

- 
 

[NC_Seniors 519]

A newbie couple contacted us on SLS about meeting to discuss the LifeStyle. We told them we aren’t meeting people right now due to Omicron, but we sent them the following. We actually got most of this from reading the Forums here, so don’t give us too much credit for coming up with it. We’d suggest the same for you … read everything you can in whatever you think are the relevant areas, e.g. “Curious About Swinging?” Hope this all proves useful!

      

Core principles you should consider … you’ll find swingers pretty universally live by these:

If one partner says “no”or “stop”, you both said “no” or “stop”.

Never “take one for the team”.

Don’t exceed agreed-upon boundaries in the heat of the moment.

Move no faster than the speed of the slower person.

Never meet someone else without your partner’s knowledge and permission.

      

“red flags” to look for when meeting another couple in person:

One partner talks down to the other.

One partner talks badly about the other to you.

They always seem to sit an armslength away, never touching each other.

One of them looks pissed off just to be there.

The other couple never looks at or touches one another.

One partner speaks for the other.

They bring up past stories of jealousy and say "but we're past that now".

They initiate new rules "on the spot".

One of them has to get drunk before the fun can begin.

He says my wife wants to do this, but you never hear from the wife.

They are married, but not to each other.

They can't take no for an answer.

They are not on the same page.

You catch them in a lot of lies.

Too many rules - especially rules intended to control their partner sexually.

They have stories of horric dramas that have happened to them in the past.

If he tells you that he's only doing this for her so she can be with other girls.

The wife has to get "approval" from her husband to do anything.

[couplers 4,718]

10 hours ago, welove2learn4play said:

We are new to the boards

Welcome.  I hope you find this site helpful.  (Great post by NC_Seniors above.)

10 hours ago, welove2learn4play said:

we roll play

Pun intended?  Or something I haven't heard about?  😉

[EastInWest 1,524]

8 hours ago, NC_Seniors said:

“red flags” to look for when meeting another couple in person:

One partner talks down to the other.

One partner talks badly about the other to you.

They always seem to sit an armslength away, never touching each other.

One of them looks pissed off just to be there.

The other couple never looks at or touches one another.

One partner speaks for the other.

They bring up past stories of jealousy and say "but we're past that now".

They initiate new rules "on the spot".

One of them has to get drunk before the fun can begin.

He says my wife wants to do this, but you never hear from the wife.

They are married, but not to each other.

They can't take no for an answer.

They are not on the same page.

You catch them in a lot of lies.

Too many rules - especially rules intended to control their partner sexually.

They have stories of horric dramas that have happened to them in the past.

If he tells you that he's only doing this for her so she can be with other girls.

The wife has to get "approval" from her husband to do anything.

 

Many of these are also good red flags when hiring a home improvement contractor. Ask my attorney how I know.

[ROCKlandCpl 452]

Remember there is only one first. Every woman I know remembers her first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual touch and then the most remembered first time. Too bad we didn’t have the knowledge then that we have now. Most of our firsts just happened without much planning. 
Now we are older and can plan what we want to do and we can think before jumping into things. Love, emotion or infatuation are not factors in swinging. The two of you should be in control of what you want to do and with who you want to do it with. Don’t rush into anything or with anyone. We had planned many scenarios of what we wanted to happen and then the what abouts. We agreed to what both wanted knowing not everything goes to plan. We knew we wanted to meet a bisexual woman which was my fantasy, it was our primary want. The hardest part was finding people who were experienced non-hardcore lifestylers, an oxymoron. 
We posted on a lifestyle site with our wants and were prepared for a deluge of guys hitting on us. We waited all these years without outside of marriage no reason to rush. We were tempted to rush in the excitement of our fantasy yet held back. Covid gave us an out with people, an easy excuse to delay without putting people off. Looks and physical appearance were criteria for our first. We had to agree that anyone we would answer met a list we made. Thinking back both of us were more concerned physically with the female and attitude with the males. 
We think we met the perfect couple who met our criteria and we still stand my our choice. What sold me was the connection and communication was set up by me and the wife. She told me her background and sold me on sincerity of not pushing. 
Nobody can predict an outcome or reaction for that first meeting, take your time, talk, then talk, then do more talking. Your spouse should be as willing as you to act out on the wants. Be careful of scammers, only your gut can tell you no, not a good match. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Make sure that your relationship is rock solid. 100% in regards to love, trust and communication. Then set your rules and limits...they can always be changed later as you find them unnecessary or in need of fine tuning. NEVER violate your rules and limits. If you are with another person/couple and one of you wants to change a rule, DON'T. Rules and limits should only be changed when it is just the two of you talking, outside of a sexual situation. Once you have the rules in place, then you can start to think about finding another person/couple.

 

There are two types of swingers: what we refer to as quality and quantity. You also need to decide what camp you are in. Quality (for lack of a better term) is more of a friends with benefits situation. Friends that you get together with and do things that may or may not involve sex and nudity. We call it 'couples dating' and it usually involves a 'connection' between all involved. Quantity (for lack of a better term) is usually one-and-done...you are not looking for more than playing once (or a few times) and then moving on to the next person/couple. There is nothing wrong with either camp, just something to be aware of and choosing a side when you start.

 

Then it's just the effort of finding a match. If you are looking for quantity, try a swingers club. Quantity is MUCH harder. Finding a three or four way match is HARD, but when it does happen, it can be great. Just realize that it is going to take some effort on your part and don't take it personally when you find the perfect person/couple but they don't feel the same way. They are doing you a favor by letting you know that you aren't the couple for them. Move on to the next prospect.

 

One other rule that we recommend: Both guys can talk/text/email, both girls can talk/text/email, but anything that includes cross guy/girl conversation should include everyone or no one. That way there can never be any misunderstandings as to what was said or intended.

 

One final note about finding quality people/couples (if that is what you choose to look for): when you do find a person/couple that everyone seems interested in, DON'T WASTE TIME with endless emails/texts/whatever. We like to get together for drinks or dinner with everyone knowing in advance that nothing else will be happening other than dinner or drinks. You will lean more in five minutes in person than you will ever learn via email/texts/phone calls/whatever. It will save a bunch of time and wasted effort. Sometimes the person/couple that looks perfect on paper or on line just isn't in person. It's nobodies 'fault', it just happens. Once again, it will save everyone time and effort.

 

Now get to talking and then get started!

[couplers 4,718]

5 hours ago, ROCKlandCpl said:

Remember there is only one first... Too bad we didn’t have the knowledge then that we have now. Most of our firsts just happened without much planning. 

Like just about everything else in life, one gets better at the different aspects of sex and enjoys it the more one does it.  There's a lot to miss in life if the first time you swing (at a softball, a golf ball) and you miss, or fall the first time skiing or riding a bike, you say "That's it, I'm just giving up."  Sometimes you just have to do it and make your first mistake. 

[welove2learn4play 2]

Thank you all for the advice. We appreciate your encouragement.
 

We’ve talked about purposely going out to club or bar to chat and flirt. Hubby says it’s always excited him if he catches me unconsciously flirting with guys, wink wink. 

It’s been a long time either of us have been out for that purpose. Lol. 
 
 

[TricianMike 788]

38 minutes ago, welove2learn4play said:

We’ve talked about purposely going out to club or bar to chat and flirt.

Where are you located?