First time swinging was a six way - having trouble processing

[marem 8]

Just recently we began friendships with two other couples. We eventually discovered that one couple were veteran swingers of 4 years and the other couple recently had their first couple of experiences, which includedbeing with our mutual couple friends.

My wife and i have been talking about getting into the life style for about 2 years so this presented an opportunity. My wife has always been the driving force behind swinging, i was never against it, but also wasn't hunting for it. I just wanted my wife to have a good time and for us to share this experience together. 

We had a mild buildup with our friends, mostly flirting, but nothing of a soft swap nature, but we still managed to come to an arrangement to have a six way orgy as our first time swinging experience. In retrospect, probably not the best idea for a first time. 

We all got a hotel together, one big play room and individual rooms for couples to retire to at the end of the night (thank God we did that). 

My wife ended up having a great time, primarily with the male veteran of the group. I, in the other hand, was unable to RISE to the occasion. My wife is a very vocal, active lover, so i of course heard her audible enjoyment, but the other 2 females of the group are more quiet and passive in their participation, so i had a hard time knowing if they enjoyed the alternative sex acts i was performing throughout the night. This lack of positive reinforcement only added to my performance anxiety, leading to me eventually spending more time on the "bench" than participating. This was a big problem for me as a dominant alpha male (i know, get over myself). Unbeknownst to me at the time, all the guys had a hard time getting UP. The veteran even had difficult times - my wife was barely penatrated, but still had a great time. At the end of the night, my wife's experience was categorized by butterflies, excitement, and euphoria. Mine was categorized by embarrassment, shame, jealousy, and a complete drop in confidence. 

A few days After the experience, the group had a talk about what we thought went well and what we would like to improve moving forward. Wife and i discussed maybe next time just a good old fashioned 4 way would be better (no duh lol).  The veteran male was very kind sharing his own experiences with performance failures and the women didn't make our lack of erections a big deal, so it helped, but I'm still in a slump. 

I'm having trouble sorting and processing my feelings about the whole thing. My wife has been patient and reassuring, but is starting to get frustrated at my negatively and misplaced jealousy of the veteran. I'm creating a self fulfilling prophecy of future performance failure. So far the recommendations have been "don't think about it, mantra positive thoughts only". Easier said than done. In the future we'll try starting with our life partners to get us UP, then transition to playmates. 

THE BIGGEST ISSUE i think is that my wife and i are on very different wavelengths - she is excited and ready to go again, i am afraid and jealous that she is having such a positive and I'm not. Yes i know i should be happy that she's excited and having a good time, which i am, but it's not changing my resentment. It's been about 6 days since the experience and i feel like I'm pulling away from my wife, but i can't narrow down the root of my problem. I do want to try again bc i don't want to make permanent decisions on the lifestyle based on my first, negative experience, but I'm very nervous that next time will be a repeat and my wife will be highly pleased by the veteran male, and I'll be left in the dust again. 

Any similar experiences or advice would be appreciated. 

[lovefest04 699]

I would be willing to bet, a lot, that 75% or MORE of the men on this board have experienced an evening when the little soldier decided to stay home. REALLY!

 

I hope you and your wife have had crazy sex since that evening. Maybe brought some of these fantasies into your play. Joked about your performance issues and her loud behavior (in a very loving way) when the others were reserved. RECONNECT.

 

You said embarrassment, shame, jealousy and a drop in confidence.

#'s 1&2 are on you. Those emotions are brought on my the little voice in your head and you need to ignore it. There is no good that comes from beating yourself up. As i said your lack of penile performance is usual in fact probably expected. So give yourself a break. even the ladies have.

#4 Get the blue pill for your next evening. Take a low dose, like a quarter or 1/2 and enjoy the evening. Don't drink to much and don't smoke weed or take edibles. Just my 2 cents but I don't think starting with your own partners is the solution. I think that can be a future solution, but you need success. Rising to the occasion can be complicated by a lot of different mental stimuli. Much of it will still exist after you've started with your life partner and then the minute you move to your new friend. Then you lose it and add more baggage to your confidence. Work to guarantee a successful evening by using a little help because after that you'll have a lot of new information.

 

#3 is the one emotion that deserves a bit of reflection, communication and coming to terms with. Why do you feel jealous. Exactly. Is it that you didn't get it and your lovely wife did? Is it that you are upset that she made love to another man? Is it that you felt left out? etc. Try to get to the heart. Then communicate with your wife and devise a plan to alleviate future negative feelings.

 

S

 

By the way, I don't think 2 couples instead of 1 is a 'big mistake'. I don't think it's responsible for your performance issues.

[marem 8]

Thank you for the advice and input. My jealousy is stemmed from, as you said, my wife enjoying the experience and i didn't, and yes i felt left out, despite trying to jump in as a "supporting role". Yes, it was a shock to the system to see my wife with another man, but when i reflect on it, i really don't think that was the issue. 

 

And you're right i do need to make a mental shift, because since the experience, my wife and i have been pulling further apart rather than reconnecting, due mostly to my negative attitude. My wife is reassuring, but quick to get frustrated with me, which only spirals the situation.

 

I heard the pill was more for helping refractory periods and physical issues and not so much a help when it's a mental issue... but i could be ignorant bc i haven't fully researched it. Either way, i currently live in an environment where the helper pill isn't easily accessible. 

 

Thanks for the input! 

[Davdia 119]

I think what your really having a hard time processing is the fact that your wife was the driving force behind this and she didn’t even look back to see you struggling. Sounds incredibly selfish! I’m sure I’ll get slack again but I feel like if we’re her idea and your her wife, there is a lot of things she could have done, including getting you going before she jumped in and got hers! This was her idea and you were the one needing to perform. 

Whenever someone pushes to swing and then doesn’t make sure their spouse comes first this happens!

Your struggle might be that she was being very selfish and it stuck you wrong. Good luck and talk to each other.

swinging is a TEAM sport

[njbm 2,871]

My biggest suggestion is to use ED medication before a romp. Rest assured that 99% of men in swinging have had erection problems. 

[Davdia 119]

One follow up note, you called yourself an Alpha male, by definition Alpha males like being in complete control and are not usually good at sharing.

Alpha males tend to do better in threesomes that don’t include other males. If you believe that your a strong Alpha type then straight swapping might not be good for you.  In the Animal world nobody messes with the Alpha’s mate.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Davdia

[TnA83 309]

I use Tadalafil/Cialis even though I can still maintain good wood.  I call it an effortless boner.  You know, when you're pounding your girl hard, she's getting off so you can't stop but you're starting to sweat and your boner is flagging?  (I just turned 62)  Even a quarter of a tablet keeps the cock hard, the wind power has to come from staying in shape, but at least my cock stays hard.  I have never taken a whole 20 mg tab.

 

I think it would help you in a six way situation.  Just the thought makes me hard!

[lovefest04 699]

4 hours ago, Davdia said:

I think what your really having a hard time processing is the fact that your wife was the driving force behind this and she didn’t even look back to see you struggling. Sounds incredibly selfish!

I just don't see how introducing blame is helpful. Op is a grown man, able to say no, say yes. There is no reason to make either party wrong in order to work through this and to come out the other side stronger as a couple and with a better understanding of what each part expects.

[enhancer 1,585]

One of the biggest downfalls of being a Alpha male is the constant need for validation!  When they don’t have that they are not happy.  Could not be happier that is never an issue for me.  Probably one of the reasons Missus E prefers Sigma males.  
 

As for not being able to get it up that is probably more common then not in the lifestyle.  As long as it is in your head it will be a problem.  I personally would never take a pill to make it happen.  I would get things straightened out in my head myself, because unless there is a medical problem causing it that is where the problem is.  

[Davdia 119]

1 hour ago, lovefest04 said:

I just don't see how introducing blame is helpful. Op is a grown man, able to say no, say yes. There is no reason to make either party wrong in order to work through this and to come out the other side stronger as a couple and with a better understanding of what each part expects.

If this was a woman’s post everyone would say you should have gone at the slowest persons pace but as a man …….he’s a grown man able to say no?

bull shit!  He was clearly pressured into going way to fast.

[lovefest04 699]

Marem,

 

Do you feel like your wife didn't go at your pace. I don't see anything in your post to support Davidia's assessment.

 

Did you communicate your concerns at the time and were ignored by your wife?

 

Do you feel like you were 'pressured into going way to fast'?

 

In the end, I just hope you can get past this experience and maintain your loving relationship with your wife, whether you ever swing again.

 

S

[TeamCalgary 168]

Hello friend, my suggestion to you is to put yourself (you as a couple) in neutral territory. 

Your wife has a history with this group (a positive one) while you have a history also (a negative one). 

 

My suggestion would be for your next encounter to not involve anyone from this group;

seek out a new couple and meet just the four of you; that way there is no baggage 

(positive or negative) for you or your wife. 

 

Good luck to you, and as everyone has stated, this situation of yours is common, frequently expected, and accepted. Treat it as such. 

[marem 8]

3 hours ago, enhancer said:

One of the biggest downfalls of being a Alpha male is the constant need for validation!  When they don’t have that they are not happy.  Could not be happier that is never an issue for me.  Probably one of the reasons Missus E prefers Sigma males.  
 

As for not being able to get it up that is probably more common then not in the lifestyle.  As long as it is in your head it will be a problem.  I personally would never take a pill to make it happen.  I would get things straightened out in my head myself, because unless there is a medical problem causing it that is where the problem is.  

You're right, i do have a downfall need for validation. It's a confidence boost to know that your partner is enjoying what you're doing, I'm sure this is common throughout any swinging encounter where all playmates care about helping each other have a good time. 

As i stated in my initial post, the other women were quite reserved in comparison to my wife's reactions, so I'm not sure if they enjoyed my alternate activities. 

Even during initial flirting stages, i couldn't get a sense that they desired me, which might have contributed to my nerves and lack of confidence going in to the experience. 

Thanks for the input and good for thought! 

[marem 8]

2 hours ago, lovefest04 said:

Marem,

 

Do you feel like your wife didn't go at your pace. I don't see anything in your post to support Davidia's assessment.

 

Did you communicate your concerns at the time and were ignored by your wife?

 

Do you feel like you were 'pressured into going way to fast'?

 

In the end, I just hope you can get past this experience and maintain your loving relationship with your wife, whether you ever swing again.

 

S

I'll make it very clear, i do not blame my wife for anything, she did nothing wrong. I hold a bit of envy/ resentment towards her, but those are childish emotions for invalid reasons that I'm trying to work through - I'm still human. 

 

We both communicated concerns and nervousness in the beginning. She was definitely more in the side of nervous excitement, whereas i was nervous anxiety. I believe during the initial flirting phase i had my first mini panic attack one morning thinking about it. Of course i told my wife, she was quite concerned for me. I took some time to think it through and eventually regained my composure. 

 

My wife and i do communicate everything we feel during this venture, but i think we BOTH have to work on how we REACT to the bad and ugly feelings. Reactions have not been... constructive, but we're working on it. 

 

My logical brain knows and understands what everyone is saying, it's just the "doing it and accepting it" part that I'm working on. I'm generally very confident and level headed, so these new emotions that don't fall in line with what I'm used to is a challenge. 

"Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" - Mike Tyson lol

 

Thanks for the food for thought! Definitely something for me to consider. 

[marem 8]

42 minutes ago, TeamCalgary said:

Hello friend, my suggestion to you is to put yourself (you as a couple) in neutral territory. 

Your wife has a history with this group (a positive one) while you have a history also (a negative one). 

 

My suggestion would be for your next encounter to not involve anyone from this group;

seek out a new couple and meet just the four of you; that way there is no baggage 

(positive or negative) for you or your wife. 

 

Good luck to you, and as everyone has stated, this situation of yours is common, frequently expected, and accepted. Treat it as such. 

That is a very interesting suggestion. I'll have to talk to the wife about that one. Unfortunately we live in a PAINFULLY small community, so the pool of known swingers is low, not impossible, but low. 

 

That actually leads me to a follow up question. My wife and i naively did not consider the scenario where one of us would have a positive experience and the other wouldn't and how we would address it. 

 

What do you do when couples' experiences vary so drastically? 

[njbm 2,871]

We had many times where one of us had a great experience and the other one had a bad experience. It’s part of swinging. You have to chalk it up to experience. You’ll appreciate the good partners better. 

[EastInWest 1,524]

A couple of thoughts:

 

- Our first time out after we decided to try was a six-way. We limited it to soft swapping that night, so not quite the same situation, but I don't think it's that crazy of a start.

 

- As others have said, your situation is not uncommon.

 

- I see some issues in communication here, and also maybe some impatience from your wife. I can't tell if the issue is that you're genuinely being too hard on yourself and she's sick of hearing you beat yourself up, or if she's just not respecting that you are feeling a little bad, but this is something to untangle for yourself so you can engage more clearly.

[zonaboy801 38]

Yes, get the pill, it’s a great confidence booster. Approach each encounter with an open mind, a smile, and no expectation that anything specific will happen or not happen. As with most activities, the third time is usually the charm.

Edited August 20, 2022 by zonaboy801
Typo

[Davdia 119]

12 hours ago, lovefest04 said:

Marem,

 

Do you feel like your wife didn't go at your pace. I don't see anything in your post to support Davidia's assessment.

 

Did you communicate your concerns at the time and were ignored by your wife?

 

Do you feel like you were 'pressured into going way to fast'?

T

In the end, I just hope you can get past this experience and maintain your loving relationship with your wife, whether you ever swing again.

 

S

 

On 8/18/2022 at 5:46 PM, marem said:

My wife has always been the driving force behind swinging, i was never against it, but also wasn't hunting for it.

 

THE BIGGEST ISSUE i think is that my wife and i are on very different wavelengths - she is excited and ready to go again, i am afraid and jealous that she is having such a positive and I'm not. Yes i know i should be happy that she's excited and having a good time, which i am, but it's not changing my resentment. It's been about 6 days since the experience and i feel like I'm pulling away from my wife

This is pretty clear to me. 

[Davdia 119]

Imagine if this story was in reverse, a man takes his wife who is barely on board to a group of swingers then he pairs off with one of the girls and leaves his wife to fend for herself. He has a great time and she’s struggling with watching her husband have sex with another woman. Now he wants to quickly do it again and she’s  freaked out and not ready…………..would you all tell her to take a pill or get some lube?  Please people 

For swinging to work both people have to be looking out for the other….especially their first time.

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

5 hours ago, Davdia said:

Imagine if this story was in reverse, a man takes his wife who is barely on board to a group of swingers then he pairs off with one of the girls and leaves his wife to fend for herself. He has a great time and she’s struggling with watching her husband have sex with another woman. Now he wants to quickly do it again and she’s  freaked out and not ready…………..would you all tell her to take a pill or get some lube?  Please people 

For swinging to work both people have to be looking out for the other….especially their first time.

 

Sometimes I think your posts are a little harsh, but I do think you're correct on this one.

 

We can never really know what somebody's story is behind-the-scenes on an internet forum. Sometimes "what to do" posts - in all genres, not just swinging - are more like cries for help. Some other times, the person writing simply wants to tell a version of the story where they seem the most sympathetic, without their spouse around to tell a different version.

 

However, all of these elements are in the story. The communication difficulties between them seem real.

 

One of the little hurdles we had to negotiate the first time we started doing regular FMF was the reality of male physiology. Mrs. E. tends to have an orgasm whenever a man finishes inside her. It's the anticipation of the ejaculation that gets her excited and then she usually climaxes again when the male does. She also almost never orgasms from oral or fingering, and can turn into Veruca Salt if she gets penetrated but doesn't get off. Metaphorically stamping her feet, "don't care how, I want it now."

 

There were a couple of sessions where she got frustrated because she didn't get that release when I finished with the other woman. There was a little mental rewiring that went on to think of my hard-ons with an abundance mentality: wait a couple hours, we'll go again. It doesn't have to be "THE" one official session, right now.

 

It's the same with failing to achieve an erection. Relaxing, recognizing that there will be other sessions, etc., can take some of the performance anxiety off. So can 5mg of tadalafil, or if you're really worried, 5mg the night before and 5mg the morning of.

 

What I can't parse out is how much OP really wants to get over it, versus this being a coded way of saying he really doesn't think he likes this.

Unrelated, but I'm also just going to put it out there that in recent months, there seems to be a much higher volume of posts in which people describe a bad swinging experience with troubled dynamics underneath. I've posted here for a very long time and while people sometimes used to write about bad experiences, this particular fact pattern used to come up once a season, if that, and is now coming up like clockwork from new accounts. Maybe there's a new wave of people trying swinging post-pandemic, I'm not leveling an accusation here, it's just very odd.

Edited August 20, 2022 by EastInWest

[lcmim 1,082]

13 minutes ago, EastInWest said:

"Unrelated, but I'm also just going to put it out there that in recent months, there seems to be a much higher volume of posts in which people describe a bad swinging experience with troubled dynamics underneath. I've posted here for a very long time and while people sometimes used to write about bad experiences, this particular fact pattern used to come up once a season, if that, and is now coming up like clockwork from new accounts. Maybe there's a new wave of people trying swinging post-pandemic, I'm not leveling an accusation here, it's just very odd."

 

That has occurred to me also.

 

I see three possibilities:

The most unlikely is a troll. Most trolls are not original enough to post very different stories. There have been a few here who have been called out for repeating the same story over the course of time or plagiarizing a reddit post.

 

The second and more likely is that a type of post prompts someone else to post  a similar event from their own life.

 

The third , which feeds off the second is that there is a whole new group , as you posit. They are going through the newbie gauntlet as most of us have.

They post the same questions that we had. Then others post their questions.

 

Serving this third grouping is ,as I see it, one of the primary reasons for this list to exist.

[marem 8]

17 hours ago, zonaboy801 said:

Yes, get the pill, it’s a great confidence booster. Approach each encounter with an open mind, a smile, and no expectation that anything specific will happen or not happen. As with most activities, the third time is usually the charm.

I agree, I'm trying not to judge my possible future in the lifestyle based on a single bad experience that i think is more than easily fixed. 

 

Thanks for the input! 

[marem 8]

8 hours ago, EastInWest said:

Sometimes I think your posts are a little harsh, but I do think you're correct on this one.

 

We can never really know what somebody's story is behind-the-scenes on an internet forum. Sometimes "what to do" posts - in all genres, not just swinging - are more like cries for help. Some other times, the person writing simply wants to tell a version of the story where they seem the most sympathetic, without their spouse around to tell a different version.

 

However, all of these elements are in the story. The communication difficulties between them seem real.

 

One of the little hurdles we had to negotiate the first time we started doing regular FMF was the reality of male physiology. Mrs. E. tends to have an orgasm whenever a man finishes inside her. It's the anticipation of the ejaculation that gets her excited and then she usually climaxes again when the male does. She also almost never orgasms from oral or fingering, and can turn into Veruca Salt if she gets penetrated but doesn't get off. Metaphorically stamping her feet, "don't care how, I want it now."

 

There were a couple of sessions where she got frustrated because she didn't get that release when I finished with the other woman. There was a little mental rewiring that went on to think of my hard-ons with an abundance mentality: wait a couple hours, we'll go again. It doesn't have to be "THE" one official session, right now.

 

It's the same with failing to achieve an erection. Relaxing, recognizing that there will be other sessions, etc., can take some of the performance anxiety off. So can 5mg of tadalafil, or if you're really worried, 5mg the night before and 5mg the morning of.

 

What I can't parse out is how much OP really wants to get over it, versus this being a coded way of saying he really doesn't think he likes this.

Unrelated, but I'm also just going to put it out there that in recent months, there seems to be a much higher volume of posts in which people describe a bad swinging experience with troubled dynamics underneath. I've posted here for a very long time and while people sometimes used to write about bad experiences, this particular fact pattern used to come up once a season, if that, and is now coming up like clockwork from new accounts. Maybe there's a new wave of people trying swinging post-pandemic, I'm not leveling an accusation here, it's just very odd.

I am certainly not looking for sympathy, nor am i avoiding any role i have played in making this a difficult post-experience. I know my wife would argue that i am taking out my frustrations on her by lashing out at her and making underhanded comments that have no basis, the tone and words i use come off as a blaming attack (even though i really don't blame her about anything, it comes across as tho i do) - these are true statements and i have since cut that shit out. 

I would argue that my wife's reaction to my difficulties handling this has been less than what i would hope for - getting frustrated at my constant negativity (again, i have since turned that down) and her defensiveness rather than supportiveness.

 

We definitely DID NOT CHECK IN with each other nearly as much/at all during the experience - a newbie mistake that we knew we were supposed to do, just... didn't... i would regularly look over at her to see her having a good time - mostly because i wasn't "gainfully employed" during much of the session, but she was. She told me that at the very start of the session, when i was starting with another woman and she another man, she looked over at me and was a bit shell-shocked at the sight of me with another woman - not uncommon for a first time I'd assume. She had to re-focus her mind to continue, but i think in the end that translated to a combination of her not wanting to look over at me with another woman/ she was distracted by her own fun experience to see that i was struggling. At the end of the session when we all returned to our partners, she had no idea that i was struggling and didn't perform the entire night. She did feel incredibly bad about that and was very sympathetic- at the end we returned to our individual couples room where we had sex to reconnect and reach her to orgasm - a helpful experience. 

 

A question posed: HOW DO YOU GUYS DO YOUR CHECK INS WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING A SESSION? 

 

I am simply looking for constructive means for a way forward based on what has worked for other couples. 

 

I really want to see if this can be an enjoyable lifestyle with my wife. I do not want to rule something out just and think it's "not for me" after one instance. When i first went to college i was on the verge of quitting because i thought i couldn't "handle it". It was a new, overwhelming experience where i was completely responsible for my success or failure - the environment was new and the pressure of the classes was great. Had i not had encouragement and tips on how to successfully navigate it, i never would have gotten my degree, let alone any of my subsequent ones .

 

Yes this is a loose connection, but the bottom line is i haven't had nearly enough experience to determine if it's not for me, or if I'm simply out of my comfort zone and still navigating how to communicate with my wife about it. 

[Davdia 119]

On 8/18/2022 at 5:46 PM, marem said:

“My wife has always been the driving force behind swinging, i was never against it, but also wasn't hunting for it.”

 

individual rooms for couples to retire to at the end of the night (thank God we did that). 
 

 

At the end of the night, my wife's experience was categorized by butterflies, excitement, and euphoria. Mine was categorized by embarrassment, shame, jealousy, and a complete drop in confidence. 
 

 

I'm having trouble sorting and processing my feelings about the whole thing. My wife has been patient and reassuring, but is starting to get frustrated at my negatively and misplaced jealousy of the veteran. 

 

THE BIGGEST ISSUE i think is that my wife and i are on very different wavelengths - she is excited and ready to go again

You’re having this much difficulty and she’s getting impatient with you and wanting to do it again ????
You and your wife need to talk, she doesn’t have your best interest in mind here. Period!

I would even question how you all came across the two couples willing to have sex with you …..seems convenient.

I’ve never been a person to believe in coincidences.

One thing is for certain, you shouldn’t do this again until you have completely processed everything!

sorry if I come across harshly……I truly don’t mean to

 

On 8/18/2022 at 5:46 PM, marem said:

 

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

13 hours ago, marem said:

A question posed: HOW DO YOU GUYS DO YOUR CHECK INS WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING A SESSION? 

 

I really want to see if this can be an enjoyable lifestyle with my wife. I do not want to rule something out just and think it's "not for me" after one instance. When i first went to college i was on the verge of quitting because i thought i couldn't "handle it". It was a new, overwhelming experience where i was completely responsible for my success or failure - the environment was new and the pressure of the classes was great. Had i not had encouragement and tips on how to successfully navigate it, i never would have gotten my degree, let alone any of my subsequent ones .

 

Yes this is a loose connection, but the bottom line is i haven't had nearly enough experience to determine if it's not for me, or if I'm simply out of my comfort zone and still navigating how to communicate with my wife about it. 

I think that's a really interesting level of self-awareness about your commitment to new things. Just make sure you're looking out for your own needs and being honest with yourself.

 

On check-ins, other people may have better ideas, but it is both of our responsibilities to respect any boundaries we set verbally. It is also both of our responsibilities to speak up, and it's both of our responsibilities to make sure there's a way for the other person to be heard. We can both unilaterally veto anything at any time, and that means it ends with no recriminations - a rule I learned here and that I think a lot of people here work under.

 

Even when once in a while, we play separately, we both get text message notifications on our fitness trackers. (Not for this, just in general.) There is no "the phone was dead" or "I didn't see the message, I was too busy getting oral" excuse, etc. We turn on location tracking and know where each other are physically located on Earth if it rises to the level of needing to show up, and also for basic safety. This isn't a cuckold/cuckquean situation. There's no room for humiliation or closed doors or uncertainty. These are straightforward rules.

 

I will also note that the first time we played, we went to take a shower after the pool and connected verbally there. Were we both having a good time? Did we like what happened? Did we want to stay longer or was this played out? Getting a couple of minutes alone after a session is probably not a bad idea.

 

 

[AndrewandAnn 360]

Too much + too fast = bad experience

 

It's a simple formula.

 

Stop. Regroup. Discuss why you want to swing in the first place? Decide what you hope to accomplish? Proceed slowly with people willing to help you overcome the "newbie jitters" that everyone experiences.

 

Always remember: Sex is largely an intellectual experience played out in the physical realm. The largest sex organ is the brain. Male impotence (failure to get and maintain an erection), assuming there is no underlying medical condition, is the result of anxiety. It is a thinking problem, not a physical one. Get your head right groove and good sex will follow.

 

Consider that group sex may not be a good fit for you? Ann and I have been in the lifestyle quite a while. Group sex has never been our thing. We've found quiet evenings with a well paired couple offers everything we need to have an enjoyable, sensual experience. More is not always better. In our case, it seldom is.

 

Also, consider changing your expectations. We do not begin our lifestyle liaisons with visions of living out a porno flick.

 

Our liaisons emphasize sensuality, foreplay, and slowly building up sexual tension. Sexual intercourse, per se, is not The Goal. We focus on the sensual pursuit of the ladies and find the slow build up of sexual tension provides all the stimulation we need to perform.  Seldom do I, or the other male, have trouble getting and maintaining our erections (however, we are at an age where we lean on the assistance of sildenafil or other enhancers, but they are not foolproof.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Numex 2,416]

On 8/18/2022 at 3:46 PM, marem said:

My wife has always been the driving force behind swinging, i was never against it, but also wasn't hunting for it. I just wanted my wife to have a good time

That sort of the way it was for us.  Daniela hadn't been a swinger per se, but wasn't married before and had multiple, overlapping boyfriends and a few girlfriends.  No threesomes of any type, however.  I was previously monogamously married, but although my wife never said anything about swinging, I knew Daniela liked the variety.  So...

On 8/18/2022 at 3:46 PM, marem said:

Wife and i discussed maybe next time just a good old fashioned 4 way would be better

.... at my suggestion my wife started playing alone with two guys (separately) who she had fucked in the past.  It made it easy all around: for me because she had fucked them before anyway and they were exes for a reason, for her because she knew them well, had enjoyed fucking them before and knew I wasn't looking for other pussy, and for him because although Daniela was now married, we met for dinner beforehand and everyone knew what the situation was.  So my advice for what it is worth, start small and work your way up.  a Foursome or maybe even a threesome, FFM even if your wife is bi.  And Daniela started playing alone with him before we eventually moved to some MFMs; it just made it easier.  Some people think alone play is riskier, we think it is easier.  Maybe as an intermediate step you just join another couple, or even another woman alone, just to get on your feet.

 

On 8/18/2022 at 3:46 PM, marem said:

she is excited and ready to go again, i am afraid and jealous that she is having such a positive and I'm not. Yes i know i should be happy that she's excited and having a good time, which i am, but it's not changing my resentment. It's been about 6 days since the experience and i feel like I'm pulling away from my wife,

Man, whenever Daniela has had a good time, whether alone or if I'm am there, the first think we both want to do is have sex together.  It is some of the most intense ever.

Edited August 21, 2022 by Numex

[herpob 564]

What do you do when couples' experiences vary so drastically? 

As many other have stated in one form or another, change the plan.

 

A question posed: HOW DO YOU GUYS DO YOUR CHECK INS WITH YOUR PARTNER DURING A SESSION? 

 

We are right there together close. My husband and I are not across the room. We are either doing it together with the same person, we are side by side doing similar acts, one of us is helping another do us, or helping us do another (lending a helping hand).  Wow that is more difficult to type out then I thought. Hope it makes sense. We know how each other are doing because we are right there participating with or next to them. We can see, it, feel it, sense it.

 

Too much + too fast = bad experience

 

Amen!

 

It's a simple formula.

 

Yes it is.

 

 

Stop. Regroup.

 

Yes please do.

 

Ditto on all the comments below:

 

AndrewandAnn

Discuss why you want to swing in the first place? Decide what you hope to accomplish? 

 

Proceed slowly with people willing to help you overcome the "newbie jitters" that everyone experiences.

 

Always remember: The largest sex organ is the brain.

 

Consider that group sex may not be a good fit for you?

 

Everyone is of course different but add two people (a couple) and the variations of differences are multiplied tremendously. Slow your roll, sort out those answers you are seeking, process, and take your time. AndrewandAnn along with many others make good sense.

 

My husband and I are a couples couple. We have sex with couples, together not separately. Davidia would have a field day with me if I were posting what you posted. I LOVE YOU Davidia – seriously, you are blunt and you say what you say by laying it all out there. I love the honesty from your perspective. I think it takes all views/angles to help people out.  

 

My husband and I know our answer to these questions, “Why you want to swing in the first place? What you hope to accomplish?”  I repeat, my husband only has sex with others with me right there and vice versa. We want to share as completely as possible every experience together. We want everything we do to help us grow closer, or what’s the point? 40 minutes to hours of fun and then weeks of aloneness. Makes no sense to us.

 

I love a certain form of sex without a doubt the most, but to make it all happen I do many other things to share with my husband, to connect with him. I love being able to say, “Oh my goodness did that taste amazing or what? Or “Holy Cow, I thought I’d never get all of that in me what about you?” There are times we have as much fun talking about it as what we did and we know exactly what each other are talking about because we were right there, we already shared it one way.

 

So for my 2 cents, do it together, whatever it is. As a couple, find a way to do it together. Lend a hand. Help each other. Do it side by side. Arrange it so you are holding hands, connecting, looking into one another’s eyes, etc. You both will have to give a lot more to balance it all out and make it work this way but in the end it is worth it.  I can explain it differently if needed but hopefully you get the jest.

[TeamCalgary 168]

Another point was raised during this particular thread; that of the dreaded imbalance.

 

By an imbalance what my wife I refer is this:

 

In any time in the bedroom, with another couple, there will likely always be an imbalance;

one of us will likely have a more enjoyable time than the other. 

 

Now the issue arises when one of us have a great time and one of us has a poor experience.

 

We have found over time that these situations are becoming rarer and for a number of reasons.

 

1. expectations - don't make any other than to come home together

2. rules/boundaries - have as few as possible so there are fewer to break/bend

3. forgiveness - we have agreed that neither of us will intentionally do anything to hurt the other

 

When issues arise, my spouse is not the enemy, the issue is, and we will deal with it together, as a team.

 

We find this approach works well for us. 

[marem 8]

3 hours ago, TeamCalgary said:

Another point was raised during this particular thread; that of the dreaded imbalance.

 

By an imbalance what my wife I refer is this:

 

In any time in the bedroom, with another couple, there will likely always be an imbalance;

one of us will likely have a more enjoyable time than the other. 

 

Now the issue arises when one of us have a great time and one of us has a poor experience.

 

We have found over time that these situations are becoming rarer and for a number of reasons.

 

1. expectations - don't make any other than to come home together

2. rules/boundaries - have as few as possible so there are fewer to break/bend

3. forgiveness - we have agreed that neither of us will intentionally do anything to hurt the other

 

When issues arise, my spouse is not the enemy, the issue is, and we will deal with it together, as a team.

 

We find this approach works well for us. 

Thank you for your very insightful post! It's actually quite helpful. You hit the nail on the head - "imbalance". It was (and still is) a fear of being "sidelined" due to inability to RISE to the occasion. Becoming a spectator as opposed to an active participant while my wife receives pleasure and i disappoint my partner. Feelings of inadequacy... all of that is rolled into the issue. It's hard not to go into it without expectations. I honestly don't see how you can go into a session without an expectation of having a good time, and for me, i feel like i can't really have a good time without getting erect (and not popping off too fast). 

We haven't done it with another couple since our first time - we had to work thru some things to see if we really still want to. But we remain close friends with the couples we were involved with and continue to build comfortability and a sense of desire and intimacy - something that was lacking (at least for me) when we first started. 

I'm slowly getting to the point where i want to try again, but again, anxiety, fear of imbalance, being left out, and inadequacy keep creeping into my brain. But I'm working on adjusting my mindset, be positive, reduce expectations of myself,  etc. 

 

 

[TeamCalgary 168]

So you have a great opportunity with this couple by the sounds of things; 

 

 "But we remain close friends with the couples we were involved with and continue to build comfortability and a sense of desire and intimacy - something that was lacking (at least for me) when we first started."

 

You already have people on your side, people who are likely to help you work through this; take advantage of that. 

Discuss it with your spouse extensively and perhaps, discuss it with these folks. 

 

This issue is extremely common in the LS - extremely. 

Like most of us men, you have made this in to a bigger issue than it is, and I fully empathize with that. 

We see this all the time when we play with folks for the first time, especially if they have not used condoms in a while or on a regular basis. 

 

The second time with these same people is very frequently a very different story; the men are more relaxed and things go smoothly. 

 

Our advice to you is twofold:

1. if you are interacting with couples who require condoms, get used to using them. Use them at home with your wife 

and try out many different types to see what works best for you.

2. accept that this happened and accept that it may happen again. but also know that this is extremely common and happens to everyone at some point.

 

Do not let this rattle you. Move on.

[marem 8]

3 hours ago, TeamCalgary said:

So you have a great opportunity with this couple by the sounds of things; 

 

 "But we remain close friends with the couples we were involved with and continue to build comfortability and a sense of desire and intimacy - something that was lacking (at least for me) when we first started."

 

You already have people on your side, people who are likely to help you work through this; take advantage of that. 

Discuss it with your spouse extensively and perhaps, discuss it with these folks. 

 

This issue is extremely common in the LS - extremely. 

Like most of us men, you have made this in to a bigger issue than it is, and I fully empathize with that. 

We see this all the time when we play with folks for the first time, especially if they have not used condoms in a while or on a regular basis. 

 

The second time with these same people is very frequently a very different story; the men are more relaxed and things go smoothly. 

 

Our advice to you is twofold:

1. if you are interacting with couples who require condoms, get used to using them. Use them at home with your wife 

and try out many different types to see what works best for you.

2. accept that this happened and accept that it may happen again. but also know that this is extremely common and happens to everyone at some point.

 

Do not let this rattle you. Move on.

Thank you! Very insightful and helpful advice! 

[discreetplay 235]

On 8/18/2022 at 4:46 PM, marem said:

I just wanted my wife to have a good time and for us to share this experience together. 

You write this, she had a good time, you shared "the experience" but you are embarrassed, shamed, jealous...?  Sounds like you got what you wanted but are kind of selfish in your after reactions.

 

As others have said, the failure to rise is very common. Others have suggested grabbing some insurance if you choose to go again. I have no idea what you look like, what kind of shape you're in or your age but I echo the comments of others....avoid excessive alcohol, marijuana and start getting into shape. Working out will help in your confidence and your ability to perform...and the insurance will be even more effective.

 

I would highly recommend figuring out the jealousy before contemplating doing this again. It will compound if you go again and things turn out similar. That jealousy will turn into resentment...and you'll end up getting a consult with a family law attorney. The embarrassment is no big deal. Shame? Yeah, your manhood was hit in front of people you know. We've all been there (e.g. unable to get up, unable to stay up, lasting a minute...). Stuff happens. The equipment is like a Harbor Freight chainsaw...Works fine sometimes but getting it started is tough and keeping is running for a whole job is hit-or-miss. And when you invite your friend over to watch it rarely starts. You never know what kind of job you'll get when you take it out. Hit the gym, avoid the booze, maybe grab some insurance (a small dose) and you'll run like a Husqvarna. All your friends will be impressed.

 

 

[Numex 2,416]

On 10/3/2022 at 11:28 AM, TeamCalgary said:

Now the issue arises when one of us have a great time and one of us has a poor experience.

It rarely happens, but when it has the one having a not-so-great time says goodbye and goes home; may take the car, get a ride from someone, or call an uber.  It's usually not because of the sex - we all know our way around our group - but because of tiredness, not feeling well, or just had enough and is fucked out.  If Daniela or I wants to leave and the other stay that's what we do, what is best for each of us.  No different than with a vanilla activity