Single female looking for swing partner (frustrated)

[Sexygirltina 15]

OK here goes. I've been in and out of the lifestyle for the last two years. I came in with a couple and spent a year with them before things went downhill quickly. I've had some time to sit back and reflect and do the single female thing and have decided that while I enjoy being a single female I would still like to attend swing events. I have found that it is a bit of a challenge to attend swing events as a single because a few individuals assume that because I am single I am a walking buffet.

 

To that end I have placed to personals looking for a swing partner or a swing couple to attend these events with and for fun before and after. After a month of doing the e-mail thing and a few meetings I seem to only meet or talk to people who are either afraid of the clubs or who say that they can't get babysitters long enough to go to the clubs.

 

Can someone please tell me what I am doing wrong here? I am at a loss. I always thought that a string free arrangement with a once or twice a month time commitment would be ideal and that going to the clubs knowing that you were going have your cake and eat it to would be ideal. But it has been like looking for a needle in a haystack.

[Dave_kat 227]

Not all couples are truly into the club scene. It takes a lot of nerve to go to one, not knowing people there and all. We know our first time was quite intimidating, and we're both a bit exhibitionistic.

 

Additionally, something we've noticed is that not all the couples online either are seriously interested in the lifestyle (for example, see how many post in here about the problems of meeting with people from online, we ourselves meet more at a gay nightclub than from online)

 

Perhaps your best bet is to perhaps go to a club and maybe find a couple you like and latch onto them? If things work out for you that way, then maybe suggesting the kind of relationship you desire and seeing where that goes?

 

In any event, if it still doesn't work, come down to Ga, we'll be more than happy to take you to a club in Atlanta or to one of the house parties around here

[jcbicouple 24]

Do you contact the couples or wait for them to contact you? The reason we ask is because we very, very, rarely contact single females on the internet. We figure they get bombarded enough by guys and other couples so we leave most of our female meetings to chance. Maybe if you are letting them contact you; You should consider making the first move on some profiles that sound promising.

[EternallySingle 32]

Well, I think your best bet is to make the six hour drive to meet me. We can share a cup of coffee... never mind

 

Really, I've read your profile and think you'd do better writing couples and a VERY FEW guys and try to get to know them. What you're looking for (like most single women in this lifestyle) is so specific most people are either going to pass you by or totally ignore what you've written and try to get you to see where you should meet them despite the fact they aren't what you want. I'm not saying to loosen up on your requirements, but you probably have to take a more proactive approach.

 

Either way, its only a six hour drive from Rochester to where I live. And I know where all the good stables are. LOL

[dancers 25]

mr. here

I must agree with EternallySingle. Consider this:

• he's very inteligent (read some of his posts)
  
• he has very positive attitude
  
• he seems to be english-style gentleman (with a "kink")
  
• he's smiling on his picture
  

...so if you want a a great swing partner - it's only 6 hours drive.

[CB_n_Red 16]

titude

[*]he seems to be english-style gentleman (with a "kink")

 

I think most of us English-style gentlemen have a kink... or three

 

CB

[SexhoundDog 18]

SexyGirlTina,

Although I can't qualify as a swinger, I'll offer my take on your profile anyway. First off, your picture is very nice and you appear to be quite a fox . . . so that ain't it. It certainly got Eternally Single's motor running, there's testosterone splattered all over his reply! And as a single female, you are no doubt the "holy grail" as some folks use that term.

 

As Eternally said, it appears your profile might be too specific, although to coin your phrase, you aren't interested in being a "walking buffet" which I totally understand. Your profile indicates you like petite blonde BBW's. (I thought BBW stood for Big Beautiful Women, am I wrong here??). I don't want to sound potentially racist, keep in mind I'm a white guy and I'd be seen with you anywhere, but your profile doesn't indicate if you're OK playing with non-black males or not. Since most marriages probably aren't interracial, in order to get to play with that petite blond, she'll have to be bi and hubby will probably want some play time with you both as well.

 

And it could just be that you've been out of the action for awhile and shortly you will be flooded with action. Judging from your picture, I'm betting on it! facelick And I'll also bet that the seasoned pros will soon be offering up their advice too.

[Michael 12 16]

and if you ever find yourself in Sacramento...

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Hi Tina, Welcome to the board. I feel for you. When I went from couple to single status I spent some time trying to figure out where I fit in and tried swinging as a single female and I found the same thing you did.... but not always.

 

I'm not sure how you are approaching these couples, but if it's just with "hey wanna let me tag along to the clubs with you" then that might be the problem. There are so many couples looking for single females that I would think you'd be able to find more than a few that would be interested in you. I don't know if it's that they aren't interested or if it's just that the ones you are finding really don't do clubs.

 

What I would suggest is to contact the clubs directly and ask them if they can put you in touch with a sponsor couple or two that wouldn't mind letting you attend the club with them or meeting them there. Someone that can kinda be your security blanket at least until you've been going enough to feel comfortable on your own.

 

I can say that the one event I attended as a single female and had a fabulous time at was largely due to a two couples from this board that played babysitter for me for the whole weekend and made sure that I was having a good time and not sitting around lonely or getting unwantenly molested.

 

So you may find that if you make yourself comfy around here you might just meet the couples you are looking for.

[jcbicouple 24]

Sexygirltina, Did you just update your profile? We hadn't looked at it before, but just did, and it appeared to be very well written. Not overly specific, but still let others know your interests.

Too bad you're so far away! You sound like someone we would enjoy having join us at the club (although not your prefered BBW; there are several at the clubs that we're sure would be happy to entertain as well.). Hang in there! You're bound to find people you will enjoy.

[EternallySingle 32]

Thanks for all the good words, but I'm not the guy she's looking for. I don't like clubs anymore and it would take a free admission and an unsolicited hand written invitation (which probably won't happen anytime too soon) to get me to go to any of the clubs in my area. Maybe when I can travel again I'll try some of the clubs in New York, Canada, and out west in Oregon and California, but I'd rather go to a road house and shoot pool than go to a swing club here in the midwest. The ones I've tried to attend were too standoffish towards single men for me to feel comfortable, and I wasn't going to spend the money and time going back until they weren't so wary of me.

 

But thats just me. I like to feel welcome, not impose myself on others.

 

Well, the boards are different.

[Sexygirltina 15]

I think that you are all on to something here. I've reworked my profile to be a little less demanding as the items on it were more like a wish list. There was so much e-mail coming in that I had a time to just managing what was in the inbox. But after getting through all of that e-mail I would find that I was right back at the same point of still not having anyone who actually wanted to attend the clubs.

So I've taken EternallySingles advice and sent a few e-mails out to a couple of couples and singles. I am going to try to be proactive here and see if maybe things will work out a bit different. I am hoping that if I actually select people whose profiles do match what I am looking for instead of just replying to people who send me e-mail but who haven't read my profile that things will work out better. I think that as an African-American female I was a little hesistant to send send e-mail to other members as I realize that not everyone is into the multi-cultural kind of thing. But nothing ventured- nothing gained.

 

Now as to Eternally singles offer: If you lived within NY or PA I would be there with bells on. However six hour drives leave me with a numb derrier. It really is too bad that you don't live in this region because single guys with good attitudes are welcomed wholeheartedly at a couple of the local clubs. One of the clubs actually has a single guys night but while a ton of single guys usually sign up only one or two show up. And those two will gravitate towads each other and not really interact with the rest of the group despite everyone's attempt to engage them in conversation.

Thanks for all of the great advice and I will keep you all posted on how things work out.

 

Tina

[EternallySingle 32]

It really is too bad that you dosingle guys night but while a ton of single guys usually sign up only one or two n't live in this region because single guys with good attitudes are welcomed wholeheartedly at a couple of the local clubs. One of the clubs actually has a show up. And those two will gravitate towads each other and not really interact with the rest of the group despite everyone's attempt to engage them in conversation.

 

Tina

 

There are clubs there that welcome single men and where the couples actually try to talk to the few single guys but the guys ignore them? hmm...makes me wonder if the guys are there to meet other guys and that the guys looking to meet women and couples don't show up because they think its a gay night. But thats another topic for another thread.

[Buck 17]

I agree with some of the others in that I've read Eternally Single's posts for a couple of years and I've found him to be sensitive, thoughtful and "brainy." At first glance Sexygirltina, I find you seem to have the same qualities. My idea is for each of you is to meet somewhere in the middle: a three hour drive for each of you and have dinner or something...no strings attached. If that's not possible, just hang in there Sexygirltina, you're a rare gem indeed and will be found!

[twohotblondes 15]

Sorry to hear..yes it is hard to find nice cpls or singles in your area all the time without doing a long road trip..we live in Toronto does that help?

 

facelick Surrender

[Sexygirltina 15]

It could help as my favorite club Close Encounters is in Toronto. I am attending a lifestyle convention there August 6th. And thanks to the Fast Ferry it is only 2 hours away.

 

Tina

[dcstf 15]

hey Tina, we are a couple that seriously want to get into the lifestyle--and believe that the clubs are the way to go -- and Syracuse is not that far from you -- let us know if you'd like to chat.....

[mrfreeway 15]

Sexygirltina, your not doing anything wrong. This is the way everyone starts out. We've been doing this for about a yr 1/2 now and still we can't find anyone to go out with. It's true about the sitte problem that you have ran into. Alot of people just want you to drop your thing and meet with them right away and when you have kids that's not the way it is. I can understand your walking buffet things also. We went to our first club last week and it was great. We didn't want to go by ourselves but after trying to find someone to go with us we just went anyhow. It was great. You don't have to participate in anything if you don't want too. Have you tried any meet and greets. We've never been to one yet but I've heard that they are a good way to meet up with people looking for the same thing you are. Take care and don't give up. You'll find what your looking for if you keep trying, take care. Jeff & Lisa

[happy_single_bi 15]

Hey... I am also a single female in the lifestyle and ...I hear you!

 

The mail issue ( even before I had pics up and when I have a ...taking time to sort mail note up) and the buffet comment hit home... as the does the difficulty in finding a couple that doesn't want to ...well...own me...

 

The whole point of this for me it to have no commitment... I am finding the couples that contact me are expecting me to be exclusive. Is that happening to you also?

 

I am a tad worried about going to a club alone only because of walking to the car when I leave... I wish they had escorts. Do they?

 

Always,

 

 

Happy

[Sexygirltina 15]

Happy,

 

Too be honest from what I have seen single females are exclusive to their couples. For me in the beginning just being with a couple was such a new experience that they knocked my socks off every time I was with them and I just wasn't curious about other couples.

 

But this is really something that needs to be discussed up front and honestly. If you all say that you have the freedom to play with others your had better do it in the beginning or you'll have hell to pay later on. It is really easy to work out the jealousy issues in the beginning but if you are exculsive for a long time like a year or more then when you do decide to play you might as well place your head on the chopping block. I've seen arrangements where the single female and the couple were free to play as they chose and arrangements where the single females were exclusive. Both types work it is just important to be truthful. I've also seen triads who have approved play lists which is something I have never been able to fathom but it worked for them so who am I to judge.

 

I personally prefer to be with a primary couple with the understanding that we are all free to play with whomever we wish. They may have a set of rules between the two of them that they follow but other than letting them know that you are going off to play so that they know you are safe you'll want to avoid establishing any play rules amongst the three of you if you are not interested in being exclusive.

 

As to the safety of the clubs. I can honestly tell you that you will not need someone to walk you to your car as in the lifestyle NO means NO. You will have to learn to say No and be clear about it. I still struggle with that aspect of the lifestyle as I prefer to try to wiggle my way out of uncomfortable situations. But when cornered I've been known to issue a not interested at this time because ____? When I first entered the lifestyle there was another single female and she had no problem saying no. To this day I envy her that skill. Although at the time I thought she was just being brutal I now know that she preferred to be thought of as being rude than having to peel off a pair of hands that were intent upon delving into her underwear without even asking if it was o.k.

 

The walking buffet thing is rather specific it is not like that at all clubs and most members are not like that. It is just that at a lot of the clubs there are one or two of them who will think that you are a free for all and take liberties that they would not take if you were married or with a couple. Your first trip to a club would should be with a couple, you can contact the club you are interested in and ask if a host couple can show you around. The first time around the host couple will make sure that you are safe. After that your fair game especially to the host couple.

 

Tina

[EternallySingle 32]

I know about couples feeling exclusive to the single women they swing with. I ran into that a lot with two single women I dated who were also active in swinging. One woman ten years ago stopped dating me because she didn't want to lose her lifelong friendship with a couple and some other women she went to high school with that also happened to be in the lifestyle. I guess swinging was more important to her than a relationship. A friend in Tacoma says she's still single, but with two kids by two different married men. I didn't tell him that she swings or that the fathers were married to friends of hers. The other woman from four years ago was a little less intense, but when she moved out west, the people we used to swing with made sure I knew they were her friends and they only let me "tag along" out of respect for her and the fact that she usually had good judgement in men.

 

You have to make it clear up front how far you want the emotional attachments to go, and stick to that. Of course there will be times when you click on more than a physical level with someone and things naturally go further, but if a couple starts getting clingy there is no reason you should treat them any differently than you would a single man who gets to clingly and possessive. Tell them you all are just friends and to give you your space. If that doesn't work, leave them. In my opinion, a couple is a single entity with two bodies. If you think of it that way, telling them to get lost when they step over the line is a lot easier than telling it to two people, especially when only one of them is making you uncomfortable.

[magnum 78]

OK here goes. I've been in and out of the lifestyle for the last two years. I came in with a couple and spent a year with them before things went downhill quickly. I've had some time to sit back and reflect and do the single female thing and have decided that while I enjoy being a single female I would still like to attend swing events. I have found that it is a bit of a challenge to attend swing events as a single because a few individuals assume that because I am single I am a walking buffet. To that end I have placed to personals looking for a swing partner or a swing couple to attend these events with and for fun before and after. After a month of doing the e-mail thing and a few meetings I seem to only meet or talk to people who are either afraid of the clubs or who say that they can't get babysitters long enough to go to the clubs. Can someone please tell me what I am doing wrong here? I am at a loss I always thought that a string free arrangement with a once or twice a month time committment would be ideal and that going to the clubs knowing that you were going have your cake and eat it to would be ideal. But it has been like looking for a needle in a haystack

 

I thought that single males had all the problems with meeting couples and or a single females to "hang with at clubs/parties etc".

 

I have been swinging with a couple for a few years now and having fun, I too would like to have my own "partner" to swing with etc.

 

Good luck to you, have fun, enjoy

 

Magnum

[Sexygirltina 15]

I just want to post an update. I've finally found my couple Just as I ready to pack away my profile for the winter and take a hiatus I received an e-mail message from a couple that seemed to great to be real. They are caring, sexy and intelligent.

Now looking back I can see some things that made it harder for me to finally find them. First of all I was looking for a couple that matched me 100%. Well they match my profile 60% but match my personality 100%. So I won't say that I was being too picky but I will say that I wasn't looking at the whole picture of what I wanted in a couple.

Now the the other major factor was that as a smoker I wanted a couple that smoked as well. Neither one of them smoke. I have such a great time when I am with them that I don't want to smoke. And coming from me that is the highest compliment I can issue.

Well off to more wickedness.

 

Tina

[EternallySingle 32]

Good for you, Tina. I think that a lot of people get hung up on what they want on the surface that they stop looking deeper. Its very easy to do online, because you don't have to look someone in the face and say "you just don't measure up."

 

Hope you have fun. Don't forget to be safe.

 

Aaron

[Walrus 15]

I joined in on this a little late but as a single guy I am having a tough time with the swinging couples. I just moved back to Jacksonville, FL and have been chatting with a couple from Gainesville. They have a swing club that is free but it is for couples only. I am fustrated and would love to team up with a single female so we both can support each other. This would certainly take the uncomfortable feeling of being alone in a strange group. Having someone to fall back on to help would be great for both singles in this type of setting. When I meet someone on line I get one view of their profile but quite another after meeting, if they ever show up. Been there a few times. I would like to know from a female's point of view, how does a single male present this type of arrangement to a single female without seeming to use her as a key to get into the swinging sceene with couples. Being honest about it just doesn't get it across.

[LaStrata 16]

I am new to this board - I have been a couple and a single - and it isn't easy for anyone. I am considered attractive and well built, so attracting potential partners hasn't been a problem but - I have found its hard for anybody male and female both. I have encountered the 'buffet feeling' . To clarify my position now I am single and not single - I am committed to a partner - but my partner is older, has some serious health issues and does not have a high sex drive - I am free to roll alone - but I have almost given up in finding the right partner - I was trying to look for a male partner for friendship, compatability but with no commitments since I am committed. I can't present myself as available cause I am not. I can't present myself as available for an affair cause thats not it either. I must be discreet becasue I live in a small minded small town. What I am trying to say is there is no easy way. I think you need to be willing to date alot and find the person you think you are really compatable with and go from there. I have found that laying it all out and up front at first doesn't work so well for me - cause the guys just see me as a ticket and don't want to bother with the friendship part - which is important to me if I am gonna swing with someone - even if it on a part time basis. I think I am gonna try some some onsite clubs - my partner will go with me now and again - but if the clubs turn out ok I will most likely go alone as well. There are two of them I am gonna check into that allow singles - and yes they are quite a drive away.

[Russ 15]

OK here goes. I've been in and out of the lifestyle for the last two years. I came in with a couple and spent a year with them before things went downhill quickly. I've had some time to sit back and reflect and do the single female thing and have decided that while I enjoy being a single female I would still like to attend swing events. I have found that it is a bit of a challenge to attend swing events as a single because a few individuals assume that because I am single I am a walking buffet. To that end I have placed to personals looking for a swing partner or a swing couple to attend these events with and for fun before and after. After a month of doing the e-mail thing and a few meetings I seem to only meet or talk to people who are either afraid of the clubs or who say that they can't get babysitters long enough to go to the clubs. Can someone please tell me what I am doing wrong here? I am at a loss I always thought that a string free arrangement with a once or twice a month time committment would be ideal and that going to the clubs knowing that you were going have your cake and eat it to would be ideal. But it has been like looking for a needle in a haystack

 

Sounds like the perfect 'ticket' for me facelick so where have you been all my life....then there's the issue of the 'ticket' part....let's see isn't a 'ticket' someone who helps a man get into the club but doesn't swing herself? well guess you don't apply / don't see why you'd have a problem finding a single male or just a couple of friends to go with. Most of the better clubs only allow couples and single females in..so yeah you just have to find a male (bodyguard).

[Sexygirltina 15]

I gave it a valiant try with single males. Being a single female and economically stable I felt that I understood your point of view better than anyone else. I will get basted for this but what I found was that 60% of single males weren't really single males they fit into one of two categories they were either (separated which is the same as being married or married and lying) or dating a woman whom they had not yet informed that they were in the lifestyle. Now while I certainly reserve and exercise the right to date outside of the lifestyle and that is something that I am upfront about with any male or couple that I meet and it is part of my base profile. I have personally through my own experiences found that is all too frequently the case with single males.

 

In the urge of full disclosure I will mention that I attended an event at a local club which as a single female I did not need a male to attend with but I chose to attend with a male that I met via SLS. I actually had to make the arrangements as the club refused to deal with a male without talking to the female first. In talking to the club owners I discovered that while I was welcome as single female if I attended with a male I would be unwelcome without that male for 6 months after we attended as a couple. I informed said single male that was the case and he informed me that was not an issue and he would be available every other weekend when he did not have his kids which did not coincide with the club event weekends. When the date came for the next event the aforementioned single male informed me that he had been dating another woman and that he was not sure how he would tell her that he was a swinger as he was sure that she would not be interested in the lifestyle. Needless to say I missed that event and while I could work around the fringes to gain re-admittance it did was a serious blow to my confidence in single males.

 

The second nightmare and the one that was really the cincher was I attended an event with another single male. We made plans to attend another event. The night of the event at 10pm long after the start of the event I received an e-mail from him informing me that something had happened in his personal life and that he was sorry. This single male had my cell phone number and could easily have phoned me to have informed me that he could not make it. And while not easily pardonable would have been forgivable.

 

What absolutely amazes me is that I still continue to receive messages from both of the aforementioned males that I choose not to respond to. Which make me wonder if they have done this to other women and the women still talk to them or whether they are either clueless (which is not the impression that I got from them) or the worst possible scenario I am horrible judge of character?

 

But in the end what it comes down to is that I have never had experiences like this with couples. With couples I see the good and the bad upfront and there aren't any games or deliberate misleading statements. Also I will confess with couples I have the cheat factor in that you can find out from the female what the male likes and from the female what the male likes and satisfy both while being satisfied at the same time.

I haven't totally written off single males but I certainly approach them with the concept that they may not be what they purport to be. This to my point of view is really unfortunate because the lifestyle is really about letting go of the hang ups and enjoying what life offers. But even in enjoying what is life offers I must if not out of a sense of a sense of human decency but of a sense of being a woman and understanding the intricacies of the emotions involved in entering the lifestyle respect the rules and boundaries of the lifestyle. But then again my sex drive is so high I can’t imagine a woman that my spouse (o.k. I don’t have one but potentially I could)) might be attracted to that I wouldn’t be attracted to as well. But then again I can get turned on by the check-out girl at the grocery store provided that she is over 21. O.K I need to go grocery shopping.

[Russ 15]

Wow! Smart Woman...I agree almost 100%...thanks for the info on that (how long you're be (locked out) if said single male went AWOL...that would really piss me off too. Sounds like you got it figured out and all your bases covered.

 

And I really love the fact you agree with the 'higher' principles of what the 'lifestyle' is all about. Play safe and play for Life.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

This thread gets right to the core of the frustration that many single women feel in this swing lifestyle so I am bumping it up to the top.