Need some advice about my wife

[CuriousHus 1]

Hi all. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years but took a break during COVID and only recently started again. We enjoy parties and clubs together, but she also has a free pass to meet other men.

 

During COVID she also stopped using any birth control and we use condoms or pull out. Since returning to the scene she told me she'd use condoms with other men.

 

She's recently met several guys but she went bare with all of them as she prefers it. She let a few cum inside her too.

 

She's not planning on ever going back on the pill. Should I say something about the risk of her getting pregnant? Just leave her to it? Change the ground rules? I need some advice please.

 

Thanks.

[reveur 60]

In the lifestyle is the trust the most important, for a good relationship and a harmony in sexual life. To break the rules is very bad. 

No protection it means a big risk for the partner. 

Edited September 1, 2022 by reveur

[Davdia 119]

1 hour ago, CuriousHus said:

 

 

Since returning to the scene she told me she'd use condoms with other men.

 

She's recently met several guys but she went bare with all of them as she prefers it. She let a few cum inside her too.

 

 

Just curious if deception is part of your relationship or is it maybe the underlying problem?

[NWAtlSwing 522]

My advice would be to stop playing until you are on the same page. This is no OK.

 

Relationships are based on trust. She is violating that.

[CuriousHus 1]

2 hours ago, Davdia said:

Just curious if deception is part of your relationship or is it maybe the underlying problem?

It's never been an issue before as she was on the pill and I didn't mind her going bare with everyone. She's carrying on playing like she did, just completely unprotected now.

[lcmim 1,081]

Seems rather one sided.

 

She/you, clearly do not want more children together. That is why you have to use the condom. 

It seems she is not so inclined, about bringing a baby into your household. Even if she aborts the baby, it still has an effect on you.

 

I also would suggest pulling the plug on swinging until you get this sorted out.

If you want to take a break and she continues, then you have a very clear message and a cheat to deal with.

 

[CuriousHus 1]

16 minutes ago, lcmim said:

Seems rather one sided.

 

She/you, clearly do not want more children together. That is why you have to use the condom. 

It seems she is not so inclined, about bringing a baby into your household. Even if she aborts the baby, it still has an effect on you.

 

I also would suggest pulling the plug on swinging until you get this sorted out.

If you want to take a break and she continues, then you have a very clear message and a cheat to deal with.

 

I'm not keen on more kids which is why I use condoms. She's more open to having more. Which is possibly why she never uses a condom with other men. I'm unsure if she's risking it on purpose or just not considering the risk carefully.

[EastInWest 1,524]

1 hour ago, CuriousHus said:

I'm not keen on more kids which is why I use condoms. She's more open to having more. Which is possibly why she never uses a condom with other men. I'm unsure if she's risking it on purpose or just not considering the risk carefully.

I suspect this is a deeper issue than either of you have admitted to each other and that yes, she might be risking it on purpose.

 

This is something to untangle. Possibly in couple's counseling with a sex-positive therapist who understands the lifestyle.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

You two are obviously not on the same page right now. Until you are, you both need to stop. Swinging is a team sport and one of you isn't playing with the other. Either she is unhappy about you not wanting more children (and this is her way of achieving more children) or she isn't paying attention to the mutually agreed-upon rules. Either way, you both need to talk and find out what is going on here. It could be that since she is used to not playing with a condom, she isn't connecting that to her now not taking birth control...but I doubt that is the case (maybe for men, usually never for women). Good luck and let us know what happens.

[Swyngers 16]

Don’t know what state you live in but with the recent Supreme Court ruling you’ll end up having to raise another man’s child that you probably don’t want if your wife continues to be careless. You need to talk about the real life ramifications of her decisions

[CuriousHus 1]

Thanks for the replies so far. To be fair I never told her explicitly she needs to use protection. I just expected her to now she's off the pill and she also said she'd use condoms. I know she hates them and doesn't like me using them. But I was surprised when she came back full one night and admitted she always let meets go without. She met a lot last month too.

 

We've never put restrictions on each other and never had a problem until now. I suppose I either need to but my foot down as you've suggested or accept she'll get pregnant eventually. She's 28 so it's bound to happen if it hasn't already.

 

I'll think on what to do.

[MrMrsswinger 202]

I'm stunned you are accepting this. I'm stunned you are asking strangers on a forum whether you should "say something about the risk of her getting pregnant?"  Stunned.

 

Ignoring the obvious risk of getting an STD, which is a deal breaker for us, you are waiting for advice from a forum while she is risking getting pregnant. I don't know what state you live in but you could be on the hook paying to raise a child from some swinger fling!

 

As others have said, I'd pull the plug on swinging immediately. I'm willing to bet she won't agree. When she pushes back on you stopping swinging, I'd schedule some consultations with divorce attorneys and get your ducks in a row.

[lcmim 1,081]

In addition to perhaps paying to raise another's offspring, if he is identified he just might have rights to the child . This could even include you not being able to relocate out of the area without his permission.

[CuriousHus 1]

We've both only ever played bare up until last year when she came off birth control. We accept the std risk and get tested regularly. I know that's not for everyone...

 

We're in the UK btw, so state laws don't apply like in the US.

 

I'll speak to her tonight. I think you're correct in that she won't stop. She made it abundantly clear if we returned to the scene that it's a permanent decision. Since we have she's certainly been extremely active.

[EastInWest 1,524]

1 hour ago, CuriousHus said:

I'll think on what to do.

 

44 minutes ago, MrMrsswinger said:

As others have said, I'd pull the plug on swinging immediately. I'm willing to bet she won't agree. When she pushes back on you stopping swinging, I'd schedule some consultations with divorce attorneys and get your ducks in a row.

^^^ Your thinking has been helpfully outsourced at no cost to you.

 

Mrs. E isn't getting pregnant. Diseases or no diseases, I'm the only man on Earth who fills her with cum. It's not an argument.

 

IMO, if your concern is legitimate, there isn't a lot to think about, here. She's 28, not 18 and clueless. She knows why she's off birth control. Either she owns it and plays within the rules or you're withdrawing consent and she's just cheating.

 

The prospect of the marriage ending over this is obviously distasteful, and I understand why you're hesitant, but please fully absorb the reality that in the common law/English-speaking world, as the husband during the pregnancy, you are often presumed to be the legal father regardless of biological fact, and the right to challenge this in court may belong to the mother or the biological father, not you. You also will not likely be able to get an at-fault divorce for extramarital sex which you condoned, and I would not be surprised if this extends to contesting child support in some places, as most view support as the right of the child, not the mother.

 

What this means is that delaying may leave you with no way out if you wait until she is pregnant to make a decision (or she makes the decision for you), and that she will not only be entitled to a no-fault divorce with a generous division of assets, but full child support for a child she knows is not yours and who is raised by another man.

Some people fetishize taking cuckoldry to this level. Some people post stories like this here hoping for validation of this fetish. This is not a cuckold-specific forum and we can't fap to this. If your question is sincere, act swiftly. This could potentially become permanently life-altering with no further warning. Please at least seek professional legal advice in your jurisdiction.

Edited September 1, 2022 by EastInWest

[Davdia 119]

1 hour ago, MrMrsswinger said:

I'm stunned you are accepting this. I'm stunned you are asking strangers on a forum whether you should "say something about the risk of her getting pregnant?"  Stunned.

 

Ignoring the obvious risk of getting an STD, which is a deal breaker for us, you are waiting for advice from a forum while she is risking getting pregnant. I don't know what state you live in but you could be on the hook paying to raise a child from some swinger fling!

 

As others have said, I'd pull the plug on swinging immediately. I'm willing to bet she won't agree. When she pushes back on you stopping swinging, I'd schedule some consultations with divorce attorneys and get your ducks in a row.

Not only do I completely agree with this person, I have to ask the obvious question, are you now telling everyone that you are having sex that your partner goes completely bare with multiple people and could care less what she gets transmitted sexually.  
Personally I would pass on anyone who’s partner was that careless.

she’s making you a bad risk also

[CuriousHus 1]

Thanks again for the comments and advice.

 

I am going to speak with her tonight.

 

I did say she gets STD tested every 4 weeks so she does give it some consideration. But I've always known that she's never used condoms in her life. A few times when she was a girl and recently with me, but that's it. The risk came with our marriage. She did sit me down, tell, and warn me specifically that she was a slut before we got married. Swinging seems like a good outlet we could both agree on and be comfortable with. Before it was never a problem. But I'm obviously uncomfortable with her risking pregnancy this much!

 

I'm not looking forward to this discussion at all. She can be very stubborn. 

[lovefest04 698]

I think this situation should be used in the Urban dictionary to define a "SHIT STORM"

 

Good luck.

[njbm 2,868]

How about an IUD? Or you can get a vasectomy and if she gets pregnant, it’s very unlikely you are the father, might push her to birth control. Hope you live in a pro-choice state. 
 

As others said, you need a talk. 

Edited September 1, 2022 by njbm

[PeterJ 940]

10 hours ago, CuriousHus said:

Hi all. My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for a few years but took a break during COVID and only recently started again. We enjoy parties and clubs together, but she also has a free pass to meet other men.

 

During COVID she also stopped using any birth control and we use condoms or pull out. Since returning to the scene she told me she'd use condoms with other men.

 

She's recently met several guys but she went bare with all of them as she prefers it. She let a few cum inside her too.

 

She's not planning on ever going back on the pill. Should I say something about the risk of her getting pregnant? Just leave her to it? Change the ground rules? I need some advice please.

 

Thanks.

It’s my fervent hope that this is an expression of fantasy and not one of fact. If it is factual, it is appalling. In every way.

[discreetplay 235]

Yikes, this is a disaster. Such a disaster that I have a hard time believing is true. 

 

I agree, swinging should stop immediately. Why would you allow the risk of another man getting her pregnant? I wouldn't trust her is she said she was going back on birth control. She obviously doesn't care whether she gets pregnant. Her saying "I'm back on the pill" wouldn't give my any comfort.

 

Is she misleading these other men by saying she is on birth control? I don't know any guys willing to go bareback unless they've had a vasectomy because of the risk the woman is lying. If your wife doesn't care about getting pregnant she may be lying to these other guys.

 

Man, oh man, what a nightmare. I believe this is a completely fictional post. I'd be stunned that a husband would be so wishy washy on something like this.  

 

 

[EastInWest 1,524]

3 minutes ago, discreetplay said:

Man, oh man, what a nightmare. I believe this is a completely fictional post. I'd be stunned that a husband would be so wishy washy on something like this.  

You'd be absolutely stunned at how much of this goes on. "Stubborn" could easily mean straight-up abusive here, we don't know.

 

Still, we went through a wave of a particular genre of "oh no, my wife's bull locked me out of the motel and inseminated her against our will, what do we do next" mental (and likely physical) masturbation posts a few years ago. It's hard to say.

[CuriousHus 1]

Update.

 

I confronted her last night and the initial part of the conversation went better than I expected to be honest. She didn't think playing bare would be an issue as she's only ever played bare. I obviously pointed out the additional risks now she's off the pill. She said she had thought about that and was tracking her cycle. During her fertile times she was either avoid meeting, only doing anal, or made sure they pulled out. She also said that she would seriously consider going back on the pill or some other birth control, and if she does fall pregnant that she'll have an abortion if I ask her to. She also apologized that she hadn't spoken to me about this and reiterated that she didn't think I had any problem with her going bare with other men.

 

Unfortunately things then took a nose dive. I asked her to only have sex with a condom as we do now. She abruptly refused saying it my choice to use them myself, other men can too if they choose, but otherwise she's always playing bare as that's what she wants. When I pointed out the risks again she again said she'd be careful and get an abortion in the worst case if I insisted. The argument then went in circles.

 

Eventually I ran out of patience I told her we were done with swinging and I didn't want her seeing other men. She flipped out saying we'd decided on an open relationship, we took a break for COVID, but being non monogamous is a permanent arrangement and I can't change my mind now. To cut a long story short the argument finished with me saying I want our relationship exclusive and her saying I can do what I want but so can she, and she'll carry on having sex with other people without my permission if need be. We both stormed off separate ways and haven't spoken today.

 

Looks like some of you were right.

[EastInWest 1,524]

57 minutes ago, CuriousHus said:

Eventually I ran out of patience I told her we were done with swinging and I didn't want her seeing other men. She flipped out saying we'd decided on an open relationship, we took a break for COVID, but being non monogamous is a permanent arrangement and I can't change my mind now. To cut a long story short the argument finished with me saying I want our relationship exclusive and her saying I can do what I want but so can she, and she'll carry on having sex with other people without my permission if need be. We both stormed off separate ways and haven't spoken today.

 

Looks like some of you were right.

 

I'm sorry. Do give it some space to play out, but also evaluate your options with a clear mind. There's a one-sided sexual power dynamic here that has gone on for a long time, and these are hard to shift under even the best of circumstances, but sometimes it does happen.

 

It's very likely that becoming monogamous is too much to ask of her, given that it was spelled out from the beginning, but condom use is a matter of basic adult responsibility and a reasonable ask. It surprises me that you asked, as it sounds like maybe you're not open to this arrangement anymore after all. It's concerning that she doesn't want to use condoms generally, but is fine with you using them.

[CuriousHus 1]

She would honestly prefer that I didn't. But I don't want to risk another child at the moment, so I do. She's never liked or used them. Even when she was young. So I'm not shocked she plays bare and never had a problem with it until now.

 

She made it very clear she won't do monogamy. She doesn't really want me to either, she said she'd prefer we both stay on the scene. But if I don't want us to then she also made it clear she'll carry on and just cheat instead. 

 

If I can't talk her round on safe sex then I guess I have three options. I fucking hate them all, excuse my language.

[njbm 2,868]

Sounds like non-monogamy is more important to her than your relationship. I am sure that you figured this out. Your move. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Quote

She said she had thought about that and was tracking her cycle. During her fertile times she was either avoid meeting, only doing anal, or made sure they pulled out.

There's a word in the swinging lifestyle and/or are very sexually active using these methods of 'birth control'...

 

Mothers

 

Swinging is a team sport. If one member of the team says no, then the entire team says no. If that isn't the case (as it sounds) then swinging must stop. If she isn't willing to stop, then there isn't much you can do but this WILL start the steady spiral downward as trust is destroyed and communication breaks down. Unfortunately, all you can do is stand your ground and remind her that her continuing starts to become cheating instead of swinging and is damaging your relationship. Maybe finding you taking a firm stand will make her rethink her choices. Good luck and know we're here to support you.

[enhancer 1,584]

If any of this is true then it would be simple for me!  See you later you narcissist bitch.  No way I could live my life with a partner that had zero respect for me , but then again I could never fall in love with someone like this in the first place.  

[CuriousHus 1]

We spoke again today after both having a little time to cool down and think.

 

I made it clear that I expect her to use condoms from now on. She said I'm placing restrictions on her and that it isn't my choice to make. I pointed out this is a very responsible concession to make but she disagreed and still refused. The argument when on but eventually I said I'd had enough. No more swinging. Her response was that I can make my own choices but she has absolutely no intention of stopping and will continue to have sex with other men. She'd prefer I stay involved but is also happy playing without me completely.

 

She did make one counter argument which is a valid point. Before we married she was very honest, open, and clear that she loved sleeping around and going dogging, clubs, parties, etc. She also admitted she'd cheated on exes. Us swinging together was her agreed outlet which I never had an issue with until now. "I know who I married" was her point. While I'm furious with her I can't utterly dispute this.

 

We're now in another period of not talking. Ironically I think she gone to a meet today even during this.

 

I guess I have some soul searching to do. Either pack my bags, or ignore her extra activities and hope she doesn't get pregnant. I hate both options and that fact either way I'll resent her force this choice on me.

[lcmim 1,081]

To me the decision does not sound like a difficult one.

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

So your options are she can either continue to have unprotected sex with whoever she wants, damn the consequences and with no concern as to how you feel or you can leave. It sounds like she has made the decision for you...

[discreetplay 235]

On 9/1/2022 at 11:34 AM, MrMrsswinger said:

I'd pull the plug on swinging immediately. I'm willing to bet she won't agree. When she pushes back on you stopping swinging, I'd schedule some consultations with divorce attorneys and get your ducks in a row

Looks like MrMrsswinger nailed this one. 

 

I'd have a divorce attorney already retained.

Edited September 6, 2022 by discreetplay

[patsfan5864 43]

On 9/2/2022 at 5:45 AM, CuriousHus said:

Update.

 

I confronted her last night and the initial part of the conversation went better than I expected to be honest. She didn't think playing bare would be an issue as she's only ever played bare. I obviously pointed out the additional risks now she's off the pill. She said she had thought about that and was tracking her cycle. During her fertile times she was either avoid meeting, only doing anal, or made sure they pulled out. She also said that she would seriously consider going back on the pill or some other birth control, and if she does fall pregnant that she'll have an abortion if I ask her to. She also apologized that she hadn't spoken to me about this and reiterated that she didn't think I had any problem with her going bare with other men.

 

Unfortunately things then took a nose dive. I asked her to only have sex with a condom as we do now. She abruptly refused saying it my choice to use them myself, other men can too if they choose, but otherwise she's always playing bare as that's what she wants. When I pointed out the risks again she again said she'd be careful and get an abortion in the worst case if I insisted. The argument then went in circles.

 

Eventually I ran out of patience I told her we were done with swinging and I didn't want her seeing other men. She flipped out saying we'd decided on an open relationship, we took a break for COVID, but being non monogamous is a permanent arrangement and I can't change my mind now. To cut a long story short the argument finished with me saying I want our relationship exclusive and her saying I can do what I want but so can she, and she'll carry on having sex with other people without my permission if need be. We both stormed off separate ways and haven't spoken today.

 

Looks like some of you were right.

Call a divorce attorney, like today.

 

I would want nothing to do with someone who allegedly loved me, but was also so thoughtless, mean, and careless.

[EastInWest 1,524]

 

On 9/3/2022 at 8:13 AM, CuriousHus said:

We're now in another period of not talking. Ironically I think she gone to a meet today even during this.

 

I guess I have some soul searching to do. Either pack my bags, or ignore her extra activities and hope she doesn't get pregnant. I hate both options and that fact either way I'll resent her force this choice on me.

The bolded is saying a lot.

 

Whether it's true or not, the fact that you aren't sure and just assume seems like it says a lot about where you believe you stand here.

[CuriousHus 1]

Sorry for the slow reply. I've been doing some soul searching.

 

I'm staying with her for now. More for the kid's sake. But I haven't decided still if I'm really willing to accept this or not. She's being very selfish and unreasonable.

 

Thanks for the advice so far.

[lcmim 1,081]

How does your local law determine paternity?

If you stay with her that might very easily be of importance.

I understand trying to protect your children from this.

If you stay and all of this comes out you may have a more complicated situation than if you dealt with this proactively.

 I missed if you said the ages of your children.

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

Thanks for the update. In the end, it is you that must make your decision based on everything (including the things we will never know). Just know that we are here to help support you.

[CuriousHus 1]

Thank you again for the support and advice, I genuinely appreciate it.

 

I really don't know what the divorce and paternity laws are in detail. But I do know that I don't want to break up the family home. At least not while the kids still live here which the will for many more years to come.

 

She'll get away with what she wants I suppose. I'll have to turn a blind eye, but I'll never forgive her after this. She's done irreparable damage to our marriage!

[enhancer 1,584]

19 minutes ago, CuriousHus said:

Thank you again for the support and advice, I genuinely appreciate it.

 

I really don't know what the divorce and paternity laws are in detail. But I do know that I don't want to break up the family home. At least not while the kids still live here which the will for many more years to come.

 

She'll get away with what she wants I suppose. I'll have to turn a blind eye, but I'll never forgive her after this. She's done irreparable damage to our marriage!

Families and kids are not better off living in a dysfunctional household!  You are not doing anyone any favours including yourself.  Good luck on your future.  

[Davdia 119]

On 9/9/2022 at 1:09 PM, CuriousHus said:

Thank you again for the support and advice, I genuinely appreciate it.

 

I really don't know what the divorce and paternity laws are in detail. But I do know that I don't want to break up the family home. At least not while the kids still live here which the will for many more years to come.

 

She'll get away with what she wants I suppose. I'll have to turn a blind eye, but I'll never forgive her after this. She's done irreparable damage to our marriage!

I honestly don’t feel bad for you, at first I did, then after reading your post it’s clear. You either enjoy being pitiful or you enjoy the attention.

You literally have zero self respect and zero respect for your children. What do you think they think about mom going out all the the time without you? Children are not stupid, your putting them and yourself in a damaging situation. You are responsible!!!

Do the adult thing and remove yourself and more importantly the children from this ridiculous relationship.
By not stopping this or leaving, you simply encourage it.

Again this is all your fault for agreeing to this in the first place…..Seriously WTF!

[couplers 4,615]

On 9/1/2022 at 2:52 AM, CuriousHus said:

She's recently met several guys but she went bare with all of them as she prefers it. She let a few cum inside her too.

 

She's not planning on ever going back on the pill.

We women in our poly family (me especially) hate condoms and never use them.  It's not only the feel while screwing, but also missing the feel (for me especially) of a guy ejaculating - we are, however, on birth control.  There are alternatives to the pill such as a nonhormonal IUD, the diaphragm, sponge and film.  The IUD is better as an "install and forget" device, while the diaphragm, sponge, and film require messy insertion in the heat of the moment and follow-up a certain time after the sex is finished.

 

 

Edited November 5, 2022 by couplers

[hlgcpl4fun 79]

Not a good thing. I noticed not only did you say she was not on birth control, you never said anything about testing for STDs. Playing Russian Roulette with both of your lives. 

[HHgirl 22]

There is  the low dose birth control pill.  There is a birth control patch.  Some people get a birth control implant in their arm.  There is a birth control shot that works for 3 months.  There are IUD's, coil thingies.......or getting ones tubes tied with the ability to untie them later.  I don't understand the desire to potentially start a human life with a random stranger.  I live in Texas and it is really scary here.  You can go to jail if someone finds out that you are having an abortion.  Or had an abortion.

[AngelandTiger 364]

On 9/1/2022 at 4:23 PM, discreetplay said:

Is she misleading these other men by saying she is on birth control? I don't know any guys willing to go bareback unless they've had a vasectomy because of the risk the woman is lying. If your wife doesn't care about getting pregnant she may be lying to these other guys.

I was looking to find someone who would bring this up...otherwise I would have. Not only is everything people have said about STD and deceit true, but this is so incredibly unfair to the guys she's fucking.....

Just WOW.

[David Lovell 160]

My wife, Amy enjoys swinging with jiust one guy. She started with him about 8 years ago and set me up with his wife to be able to have him as her personal toyboy. 

On Saturday we have a 3 couple sswap planned. Amy says it's a Gangbang  and just wants to go off to a separate room and have sex with her favotire partner.  I expect the other girls are looking forward to  sex with all three guys.  I'm looking forward to having tbree adventures.

Advice please. How do I persuade Amy to play with all tbree men. 

What are the typical rules for a 3 couples swap?  

 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

You don't persuade in swinging. If that's what she wants to do, that's what she wants to do.

[couplers 4,615]

20 hours ago, David Lovell said:

we have a 3 couple sswap planned. Amy ... just wants to go off to a separate room and have sex with her favotire partner. .. How do I persuade Amy to play with all tbree men. 

May I ask why?  Do you think she is getting too close to toyboy, or the opposite, that her playing with only one guy is boring for you?

 

12 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

You don't persuade in swinging. If that's what she wants to do, that's what she wants to do.

About the most persuading that you can do is to tell your wife that you would enjoy her playing with other men who she finds attractive.

 

 

Edited February 28 by couplers