When it comes to exes….

[Lotusart 2]

I am new to the LS, and have tried to jump in with an open mind and a curious nature. I absolutely have the desire to push boundaries and explore new possibilities, but I admit that there are certain things that I have more trouble with than others. One in particular is causing problems in my relationship and that is not ok. I love my fiancé with all of my heart and would never do anything to purposely hurt him or our relationship. I understand that this is a world where there is no place for jealousy, but when it comes to someone that he was once in love with, that is a much bigger challenge. I have tried to explain to him how I feel, but it only turned into a huge argument and him misinterpreting everything that I said. I don’t know what i should do, does this mean that i am not cut out for this LS? 

[njbm 2,870]

I think it means that your fiance is not cut out for the lifestyle. It is an odd and quirky hobby. To get two people in a relationship to find this hobby of interest is unusual. It goes against a lot of deeply held beliefs in our society. 

[njbm 2,870]

Looking at your post again and the title about “exes,” are you saying that you want to have swinging experiences with your ex-boyfriend or his ex-girlfriend? That sounds like a colossally bad idea that would disturb many current partners. If that is your idea for swinging, I would shelve it and find a nice couple that neither of you knew before. 

Edited September 23, 2022 by njbm

[Lotusart 2]

The problem is my fiancé’s ex-girlfriend. They are still in communication and i have tried to be ok with that. I told him the other night that it bothers me that he still goes to her feet life page , and h blew up and started a huge fight. Am i wrong to have feelings of jealousy or anxiety around this woma?

[Gigasangel 58]

So I do understand how you feel but being sexually open or a swinger doesn’t make you devoid of emotion or open to disrespect. The purpose of the lifestyle is for yourself and your partner to explore sexually with a mutual bond of trust and respect. If you have found that his behavior or attraction to his ex has crossed the line then he should respect and distance himself from it but from your statement he instead fighting to keep her in his life and that is not okay. I would recommend taking a step back from the lifestyle till he can make meaningful change or move on. You shouldn’t be forced to feel like second place in your relationship, he should be fighting for you not against you. 

[Lotusart 2]

I appreciate your feedback, I am really struggling with where to go or what to do from here. We are engaged, i have moved my entire life to be with this man, and now i feel completed disrespected and that my feelings just dont matter. He absolutely will not concede that i have a reason and a right to feel the way i do. All i did was tell him that it made me uncomfortable. :(u

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

First, when it comes to successful swinging, a couple must have an abundance of love, trust, and communication. It is the combination of the three that helps minimize or even eliminate the jealousy that can arise. From the information posted, we can't tell whose idea it is for you to start swinging, but until you have an excess of all three, neither of you are ready.

 

 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

As for his ex-gf...sometimes two people realize that while they can be friends, they just don't work as a couple and can step back to being only friends. Sometimes there is something that requires them to try and remain friends after the breakup (like a child in common), and sometimes it can be that one of them is trying to hold on to the other. Unless there is something keeping them connected, that he becomes defensive when you mention his ex is a definite . You need to figure out what is going on with his reaction before you move forward with anything. Are you wrong to have feelings of jealousy or anxiety around this woman? It sounds like maybe you should be. You both need to have a sit down heart to heart talk about this. If he can't do that for you, then you have bigger problems on the horizon. Good luck and let us know how things are going.

[NWAtlSwing 522]

Maybe the two of you could do relationship counseling before you get married and work on some of this ahead of time. It feels like you are going into marriage unable to be vulnerable to each other.

[couplers 4,638]

20 hours ago, GoldCoCouple said:

Are you wrong to have feelings of jealousy or anxiety around this woman? It sounds like maybe you should be. You both need to have a sit down heart to heart talk about this. If he can't do that for you, then you have bigger problems on the horizon.

Great advice.

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Hooboy.

 

Ok Lotusart, allow me give you a similar situation but with a different outcome. Years before I met my wife, I dated and even got engaged with a woman (I'll call her "Cathy"). It didn't work out. But, we remained close. The breakup was amicable, we didn't tear each other down, and we stayed close. I moved away some months after we broke up (for unrelated reasons), but we stayed in touch. Years on, I met my wife. I told her right up front about Cathy, and that while there was nothing non-platonic between Cathy and I, and there hadn't been for years, Cathy and I remained very close.

 

My (not yet at that point..) wife took this in stride. She was ok with it. I think part of it was her general approach to such things, but a lot of it was that I was up front about it and never once gave her any reason to doubt my honesty about everything in our lives. My wife and I got married, and Cathy was at the wedding. Our kids refer to Cathy as Aunt Cathy. We're still exceptionally close. It's quite hard to describe really.

 

If my wife and ever been concerned about Cathy's presence in our lives, we would have talked it out. If it kept on being a problem, then Cathy would either be less of a factor in our lives or completely gone. I place my wife above all. I always have since we started dating, and always will. I would NOT be blowing up at my wife about this if it happened. She would have a right to feel as she did, and if I'm half the person I claim to be I would respect that. Yes, it would hurt to have to turn my back on Cathy, but I would do it.

 

To me, your fiance does not strike me as being up front and fully honest about this. If I were in your shoes, it would scare the heck out of me. Who, exactly, are you marrying? If he's not willing to calmly and rationally discuss this, I strongly agree with GoldCoCouple. This has alllll kinds of red flags popping up. It's less about this old girlfriend and more about his willingness to commit to you fully with absolute honesty. I don't see that right now.

[Numex 2,415]

On 9/24/2022 at 6:34 AM, NWAtlSwing said:

Maybe the two of you could do relationship counseling before you get married and work on some of this ahead of time.

Sounds like great advice to me.  Even if you don't go to a counselor, you need to do something to resolve both of your issues, especially his.

 

My experience, however, was totally different.  Daniela and I started down the road to nonmonogamy with us talking about our exes.  Me - an ex wife and several girlfriends before that; her - a multitude of ex boyfriends.  We both found this kind of talk (who did you have the most sex with? who was the best? what kinky things did you do? who was the last person you fucked besides me?) very much a turn-on.  It ended up with me suggesting to her that she look up and hook up with an ex.  For me it seemed a good choice, mostly because men they were exes for a reason, but also because I knew that she would be safe and would enjoy having sex with them.  We made sure told him that she was married, that everyone knew what was going on.  The first time was just dinner between them to see if the spark was still there, then the three of us got together to confirm agreement.  Daniela then started seeing one ex, then another.  Later we did MFM threesomes.  It was a good start to where we are now, playing within a closed group of married couples.  Remember, exes are exes for a reason and can serve as dependable sex partners.

 

Please let us know how it goes for you.